You can have all the knowledge in the world, but it means nothing without building up the confidence to do something with it.
Two decades ago, when the bullies at our high school called her a nerd for being a virgin and a straight-A student, my best friend Sara smiled and confidently said, “Thank you. I’m really proud of it.” She honestly was. What those bullies said never bothered her one bit. And this is just one tiny example of Sara’s incredible self-confidence.
I was reminded of Sara this morning when I received an email from a long-time blog subscriber (subscribe here) named Lane who is struggling with a similar bullying issue at a small community college where he’s taking classes. After describing his predicament in detail, he ended his email with this:
“I love your books and blog. Both have helped me get through a very low point in my life. But even though I’ve made progress, I often struggle with my self-confidence. These bullies really get the best of me. And I know my shattered confidence is really taking a toll on me. Therefore, what I need now more than ever is to learn how to walk in a more confident person’s footsteps, by changing the behaviors that kill my confidence.”
So, pulling from over a decade of experience as a life coach, in an effort to help Lane walk more closely Sara’s footsteps, here are some insanely popular confidence-killing behaviors to avoid:
- Getting caught up in lots of needless drama. – Some people love to stir up controversy and drama for no apparent reason. Don’t buy in to their propaganda. Stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create your own. Instead, imagine what would happen if you spent this entire day, and every day hereafter, with all your energy directed toward your most positive possibilities. Rather than being annoyed, be amused. Instead of getting angry, become curious. In place of envy, feel admiration. Life is too short to argue, fight, or be overly negative. Count your blessings, value the people who matter, and move on from the drama with your head held high.
- Seeking approval from everyone around you. – Confident people have no interest in pleasing everyone they meet. They are aware that not all people agree on things, and that’s just how life works. They focus on the quality of their relationships, instead of the quantity of them. So never let the opinions of the masses define who you are or what you can or can’t do. When you let go of the need to impress everyone, that’s when you begin to be truly impressive to the few people who actually matter. And when you earn the trust and respect of these select few people, no matter where you go or what you try, you will do it with confidence—because you know the people who matter are behind you.
- Making excuse after excuse after excuse. – Have a plan that’s bigger than your excuses. There is so very much to touch, to do, to create, and to experience. Confident people take ownership of their thoughts and actions. They don’t blame the traffic for being tardy at work—they know THEY were late. They don’t excuse their shortcomings with excuses like “I don’t have time” or “I’m just not good enough”—they make the time and they keep on improving until they see results. Even a tiny effort is infinitely more productive than a big, impressive excuse. So stop seeing every obstacle as an excuse and start seeing those obstacles as forming a pathway to your goals. (Read The Last Lecture.)
- Ignoring or second-guessing your intuition. – Intuition is very real and something that is never wise to ignore, because it comes from deep within your subconscious and is derived from your previous life experiences. If everyone else is telling you “yes” but your gut is telling you otherwise, it’s usually for a good reason. When faced with difficult decisions, seek out all the information you can find, become as knowledgeable as you possibly can, and then listen to your God-given instincts. Believe in yourself. Know that trusting your intuition is equivalent to trusting your true self; and the more you trust your true self, the more control you have of making your goals and dreams come true.
- Disempowering yourself with weak language. – Confident people use words with intention. Consider the difference between these two aspiring bloggers: One says, “Yes, I am a blogger. You like meditation and yoga too? Excellent! We need to connect—check out my new mindfulness guide I just posted at…” vs. “Well, I am trying to blog but am not sure I am doing it right (nervous giggle). I wish I had started sooner… blah, blah.” Who do you think gets the most views, comments and social shares? Bottom line: If you’re trying to build something or become something, own it and speak like you mean it. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Passion and Growth” chapter of the NEW edition of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Thinking, “Why me? Why me?” – On the contrary, confident people think, “Why not me?” Sadly though, many people feel they have to wait: to be hired, to be good enough, to be chosen – like the old Hollywood cliché, to somehow be “discovered.” But confident people know that access is basically universal these days (especially if you’re online reading this article). They can connect with almost anyone through social media. (Everyone you know knows someone you should know.) They know they can attract their own funding, create their own products and services, build their own networks of clients and partners, choose their own path – they can choose to follow their dreams. And very quietly, without calling too much attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
- Needing to always be right. – Confident people take a stand not because they think they’re always right, but because they’re not scared to be wrong. Cocky, conceited people tend to take a position and then preach, argue, and totally disregard differing opinions or points of view. They “know” they’re right (even when they’re wrong) and they want (actually, they need) you to know it too. Their behavior isn’t a sign of confidence, though; it’s the trademark of a bully. Truly confident people don’t mind being proven wrong. They know that finding out what is right is a lot more important than being right. And when they’re wrong, they’re secure enough to back down graciously and appreciate the lesson learned.
- Talking just to hear yourself talk. – Begging for attention by talking constantly is just another mask for insecurity. Thus, confident people are often quiet and unassuming, and they listen as much if not more than they speak. They already know what they think, so they want to know what you think. Follow in their footsteps by asking open-ended questions on the topic of discussion, and give others the freedom to be thoughtful, introspective and resourceful. Ask questions like: What do you do? How do you do it? What have you learned from it? What would you do differently if you were starting over? And so forth. Ask these questions to learn, because you know a lot, but not everything, and the only way to learn more is to listen more.
- Letting success get to your head or failure get to your heart. – If success makes you arrogant, you haven’t really succeeded. If failure makes you determined, you haven’t really failed. Period. Think about success and failure differently. Don’t take everything that goes wrong personally, and don’t get a big head when everything goes right either. Be a humble, life-long learner. Create, enjoy, learn, love, experience, succeed, fail, persevere, make mistakes, make progress, take risks, and find the treasure in each day.
- Hiding from new life experiences. – Get out there. Let life touch you. Yes, it will hurt sometimes. But the pain will be much deeper if you build an impenetrable wall around yourself—your own 100-foot tall wall of comfort—your own self-inflicted prison sentence. Life is too short for that. Don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all. You have too many beautiful places to go. Today is full of possibility. Now, do something about it!
It’s your turn…
If you only remember two words from this whole article, let them be: Learn and Believe.
Learn: As in… learn through experience. Learn from others. Remain humble, open-minded and teachable. Put yourself out there and let it all sink it. Push yourself to the edge of your comfort zone, so you can expand it and grow a little more confident every day.
Believe: As in… believe in yourself and your ability to succeed. Believe in your intuition, especially when you have to choose between two good paths. Believe that the answers are out there waiting. Believe that life will surprise you again and again. Believe that the journey is the destination. Believe that it’s all worth your while. Believe that you are confident enough to see it through.
And, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)
Leandra says
At 52 I am learning how to run a new online business that many people my age may hesitate to attempt. I feel energized and more confident than ever before. Each success feels so much bigger because I stepped past my doubts and fears. Even if it takes me longer than others I am moving in a positive direction. I don’t concern myself with doubters.
As you pointed out in your most recent edition of 1000 Little Things, Thomas Edison never thought of his experiments as failures. He thought of them as discoveries that got him that much closer to success. Knowing this changed my perspective. Finding the lessons and humor in my failures and frustrations definitely helps!
I love this post, just as I love all your work. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us.
Heidi says
Like Leandra, (I’m 51), I am starting all over again and creating an on-line business to help other women going through painful life events. Your articles, books, etc. are all so inspiring. But most of all, they help me to keep going, reminders of the choices we make each day and how we can keep moving in the direction of our path. This article really resonated with me today. Every week, I pick a mantra/affirmation/statement. Throughout that week, I read my statement several times a day. For this week,. I wrote down–Create, Enjoy, Learn, Love, Experience, Succeed, Fail,Persevere, Make Mistakes, Make Progress, Take Risks and…Find the Treasure in Each Day!
Thank you!
Sebastian Daniels says
Marc, your emails always arrive on time in my inbox. In this post I especially loved your point on not ignoring our intuition.
I learned this one the hard way…
In my early twenties, I was in a relationship where my gut was screaming at me that something was wrong. But instead of acknowledging it, I stiffled and suppressed it, because I wanted things to work out. I kept telling myself there’s no evidence, so my mind’s probably just playing tricks on me.
However, since my gut refused to shut-up for several months, I finally listened to it, and ended the relationship. Later, I discovered my gut-feelings or suspicions were, in fact, dead-on.
After that experience, I’ve always listened to my gut, regardless of whether there’s concrete evidence or I’m being directly told something to the contrary.
I hope this point really sets in for some of your younger reader’s, preventing them from learning this lesson the hard, painful way, like I did. It’s an invaluable lesson!
ALSO, thank you for the recording of your Think Better conference. I’ve watched it twice already while on the gym stationary bike, and I’m really getting a lot out of it. 🙂
David says
Lane!! We did not forget you.
Bullies are usually cowards in disguise. I am dealing with one at work. He loves to belittle vendors, let loose with little jabs, blindside you with insults or accusations and make everything your fault.
Funny thing is that when I told him NO and called him out on some things, he backed off. Especially when it happened in a large setting with lots of spectators.
Another tactic is to box them in. Works like this, they hit you with some derragatory commentary, and you point them out and ask “What the hell do you know? If you are so smart why are you here with us?
Just some thoughts. I think there are some great confidence builders here, but until you confront or overcome these bullies they are not going anywhere. It sounds to me like you are still scared, and that is A-OK. Do not let the fear decide for you.
Kathy says
Fantastic advice. I did the same to a co-worker & it worked like a charm. The problem with the bullies is people are afraid to stand up to them.
Lane i said a prayer for you & i hope you know your worth. You are so much better then this insecure bully whom has his own issues to deal with.
Your amazing. Don’t let him steal your spirit.
Georgia says
Marc, I love that I am always learning from you and Angel! How long has it been? Allowing yourself to be inspired by others raises your confidence quotient!
I was a facilitator for a Wonder Woman Empowering Chamber of Commerce event. My topic was Power Up Confidence and I was compelled to share some ideas:
1. BE Yourself (created by someone else)
2. Know your truth, speak your truth, live your truth and help others do the same
3. Create confidence from the inside out and the outside in..be awestruck by your own beauty and reflection in others
4. Be your best friend..you would never say half the things to your best friend that you say to yourself
5. I am..be your I am..find your passion..be compassionate..shine your light on all of those you touch..know your life’s work is being done through you, by you and for you..when you give, grace multiplies..celebrate your achievements..take a moment of stillness daily..be selfless, not selfish, let go of expectations of others but have high expectations for yourself..be contagious!..plug into the socket of life!!
Thank you for shining your light and paving the way!!
GPK
Paras says
Thanks for sharing these valuable tips with the readers. I would like to follow your tips in my daily lifestyle and also would like to share this post with my friends. Keep posting!
Jane Ward says
Bravo, Leandra who posted a reply yesterday. She’s 52 and starting a new on line business. I am 74, starting a new on line business and very excited about it. It never occurred to me I’m too old to do anything, since I have no plans to retire. I love all the “Marc and Angel” reminders of how to live our life realistically and joyfully. My new journey will be much more meaningful, thanks to you.
Anne says
I’m so pleased and excited for you, Jane, and wish you well. ? I will be 62 next week and work 3 days a week with teenagers – I support them in and out of the classroom setting. It’s exhausting, rewarding and can often be hilarious! I cannot imagine not learning new things along with these youngsters- as well as imparting my ‘ancient wisdom’ their way! I suspect you, like me, feel that this lifelong learning keeps our outlook on the younger side too. ??
Nancy Haboush says
Great reminder for today! I just separated from my husband – a decision that’s been in the making for the past 10 years. Going through the grieving stages now – and truly know that I need to spend some time in this space to heal, but not wanting to live in the anger – sadness… moving to acceptance and love. This article was a great reminder on the ‘why me’ and victim language I’ve adopted over the years. Moving forward – focused on what I can control. Trusting my intuition. Thank you!
Anne says
I love your emails, they always come when I need them. My husband and I became franchisees for a burger quick service restaurant concept. We’ve been open for 8 months and while the concept and product are well received we have to build sales especially for catering to survive. We’ve been able to overcome all obstacles so far, but this one seems like the huge mountain. Yesterday, I felt defeated, deflated, and depressed and started doubting all the reasons we decided to become small business owners. My husband came home and shared a text he had with the landlord keeping them updated on our situation, their reply, “We are here for you.” Words we both desparately needed to hear, which made us cry. Something about knowing someone is in your corner when you fee like you’re against all odds. Humbling, and appreciative. Reading this article this morning helped me feel confident again that we can make this happen. Thank you!
Carol D says
I’m new to your site and it’s messages but the introduction couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time in my life. I have no doubt that I would have benefited at any point in my adult life but I don’t believe I would have been as ready to listen with my head and heart.
Fortunately, I am ready now. Admittedly, my confidence could use a boost in all 10 tips. The messages did’t teach me anything new but they did offer support and encouragement to go out and express the confidence I know is in me not with arrogance but with purpose. The purpose being to grow and learn.
Reading this article felt familiar and then I realized it’s because these are some of the things I would say to a friend. So if the advice (knowledge) is good enough for a friend, why not me, too?
Angela Smith says
Excellent article on how to learn to have a more positive life experience.
Rachel says
Yesterday I spoke with the mother of a classmate of mine who was always a high achiever and has a great job and family. Me, on the other hand, have been unemployed for the last year, having decided to relocate near my partner where my target industry (and focus of a recent grad degree) is basically non-existent. It really threw me off, I know where I am is because of my decisions but still it hurts. Even though I had some great jobs, I don’t have anything to show in my late 40s, not even children. I have had some interviews and none have produced a job. I could go back to my previous industry which would be easy, but I know I don’t find it fulfilling anymore. I may end up in a low-level job starting over again. At the same time, I feel pressure to find ‘something’. In the past, I have been able to work through these insecurities but every-once-in-awhile something comes out of left field and keeps me up at night worrying about the future. I’ll be fine but moments like this do happen no matter how we try to protect ourselves and sometimes we need to take a few days for the burn to subside.
Sorry for the downer message, I just needed to vent this morning…
Gái Nguy?n says
I never dread the bullies. I hit first, then i run away. Before my fight, i declare: Of course I can’t beat you all at the same time, but get out of the class, and queue up to fight with me, OK? Just think, who dare be the first beaten up by me?
Jen says
Marc,
Thanks for another uplifting post! Your writing always elevates me, and I feel more positive and confident as I go through the day. Thanks for your consistent efforts to help others live their best life. You have made a huge difference in my life.
Ingrid says
I always learn from you guys! Yours is the only e-newsletter I actually read! Just ordered your new book – was planning to order anyway but your mention of the chapter discussing how to speak more confidently prompted me to order now.
I won’t be home to get it for 2 weeks, but wanted the hardcover instead of audible so I can go back and re-read that chapter a few times!
Maria says
I cannot tell you just how much your articles INSPIRE! Thank you so very much for them!
MDS
Dea says
Hi! I’m an appreciator of your thoughtful insights. I really pondered #1 today and had a question about “In place of envy, feel admiration.” Do you mean that we should find qualities in the person that we are envying? Can you give a bit more guidance on how to do that and why? It might seem a bit obvious, but I’d be grateful for a bit more on this aspect. Thank you!
Tktk says
You guys are doing something good here and I enjoy reading your messages. I thank you for lighting up the darkness and I appreciate the helpful kind words you share.
Well wishes light bearers
Bartholomew says
Wow, Mr. Marc l really want to appreciate you for your insights. Your insight on different matters has really been helpful and life changing and also, it has affected me positively on every side. I appreciate you for your High Impact Leadership. And thank you for impacting your world with the investment of your personality. I love you Sir, Bartholomew Akhigbe. From Nigeria.
Jen Goulding says
There are many forms of bullying i believe & as a child growing up the eldest of 6 children I experienced bullying & negativity. I always seem to be in a constant battle with changing my negative thinking and building up my self esteem/confidence and difficulty in maintaining it.. A reminder about dramas hit home and pleasing everyone. Putting it all into perspective, life us definitely too short. I am still finding out who I am & I know this is ok. Thank you for the uplifting newsletters, positive perspectives & the encouragement to keep going Marc & Angel.
Joanna says
Pretty Awsome article! Thank you!!!
teacher P says
Struggling with confidence at age 56. I never thought i was too old to do anything, and now I’m suddenly finding myself surrounded by colleagues 25-35, who do things quicker than me. I’ve never been speedy, but always thorough and efficient. Connecting with students has always been my primary goal, then lessons, then paperwork.These are not the same values in my workplace. Trying to be open minded and respectful of differences, but clearly being passed over and left out. Need some reassurances of how to hold on to self confidence, instead of pitfalls to avoid.
Susan Liehe says
I probably heard Marc & Angel say this, but even if I can’t recall it’s origin, I love it: BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND. Thank you — always — for your amazing content!
Vimy says
Hey! I’m 23 and working in a moderately stressful environment doing the job i love. I was disturbed very much by the needless drama revolving around me. AFTER READING YOUR BLOG, I can now clearly see what I already know.
Just because they create issues for me, doesn’t mean that I should get involved in it. I can ignore or solve the root of the issue. Or maybe it won’t get solved. But i shouldn’t let that worry me. Cause there’s much more to life than the one institution I work in one corner of the world.
SO I DECIDED TO LIVE – LET MYSELF LIVE. THANKYOU for sending this post at THE RIGHT TIME!!
Nitya Rambhadran says
I had been suffering from self- confidence and self criticism issues since childhood (thanks to my abusive childhood).
But recently, I have been working on myself and 2019 has been a pretty good year for me till now. My website is growing and so is my confidence level. I have got a great job as well.
So, I would say- ‘Never give up and keep working on yourself’
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Great article. Loved it!