Your needs matter. Don’t ignore them. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you and your life, not what’s best for everyone else.
A life spent ceaselessly trying to please people who are perhaps incapable of ever being pleased, or trying too hard to always be seen as doing “what’s expected of you,” is a sure road to a regretful existence. Marc and I were on this road once, but I’m happy to say we’re paving our own path now based on our own needs, morals and values. And today I hope to inspire you to do the same…
Do more than just exist. We all exist. The question is: Do you live?
Marc and I eventually realized existing without ever truly living was not what we wanted for ourselves. So we made changes – we gradually embraced the points discussed in this article and never looked back. If you are in the same place we once were – seeking approval from everyone for every little thing you do – please take this post to heart and start making changes today. Life is too short not to.
- First and foremost, you are not obligated to live up to everyone’s expectations. – Life is under no obligation to give us what we expect. And you are under no obligation to give others what they expect. Period. Do things because you care. Do things because you know it’s right. Don’t just do things because everyone else expects you to.
- Expectations just get in the way of great life experiences. – Don’t let expectations (especially other people’s expectations) get in your way. Truth be told, the unexpected is often better than the expected. Our entire lives can be described in one sentence: It didn’t go as planned, and that’s OK.
- You don’t need others to hold your hand every step of the way. – Be willing to go alone sometimes. You don’t need permission to grow. Not everyone who started with you will finish with you. And that’s OK. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
- You get to learn from your mistakes without unnecessary third-party pressure. – You’re going to mess up sometimes. But the good news is, as long as you’re listening to your intuition, you get to decide how you’re going to mess up. Which means you get to decide how you’re going to live and what you’re going to learn along the way.
- No one knows you better than you know yourself. – How you seem to others and how you actually are, rarely match. Even if they get the basic gist of who you are, they’re still missing a big piece of the puzzle. What other people think of you will rarely contain the whole truth, which is fine. So if someone forms an opinion of you based on superficialities, then it’s up to them, not you, to reform those opinions. Leave it to them to worry about. You know who you are and what’s best for you.
- Only YOU can define what’s possible for you and your life. – Some people will kill you over time if you let them; and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like, “Be realistic.” When this happens, close your ears and listen to your inner voice instead. Remember that real success in life isn’t what others see, but how you feel. It’s living your truth and doing what makes you feel alive.
- In the end, happiness is simply living your life your own way. – There comes a time when your back is up against the wall and you realize all you can do is say, “Screw it, I’m doing things my way!” That’s the earth-shattering moment you stop planning for someone else’s expectations, and start making progress on what’s truly important to YOU. That’s when you begin to live life according to your own morals and values. That’s when you can finally be at your happiest.
- You can best serve yourself and others by giving yourself what YOU need. – Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive, and pursue it at all costs. That’s what this world needs – people like YOU who come alive. Which means your needs matter; so don’t ignore them. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you and your life, not just what seems best on the surface for everyone else.
- Rather than being confined by opinions, you need to create your own reality. – If J.K. Rowling stopped after being rejected by multiple publishers for years, there would be no Harry Potter. If Howard Schultz gave up after being turned down by banks 200+ times, there would be no Starbucks. If Walt Disney quit too soon after his theme park concept was trashed by 300+ investors, there would be no Disney World. One thing is for sure: If you give too much power to the opinions of others, you will become their prisoner. So never let someone’s opinion define your reality. (Read Daring Greatly.)
- You need to allow yourself the freedom to speak your truth. – Yes, speak your truth even if your voice shakes. Be cordial and reasonable, of course, but don’t tread carefully on every word you say. Push your concerns of what others might think aside. Let the consequences of doing so unravel naturally. What you’ll find is that most of the time no one will be offended or irritated at all. And if they do get upset, it’s likely only because you’ve started behaving in a way that makes them feel they have less power over you. Think about it. Why lie?
- The wrong people should not be able to tamper with your standards. – Remember, failed relationships aren’t designed to encourage you to lower your standards, but to raise them and keep them up. So while you’re out there making decisions instead of excuses, learning new things, and getting closer and closer to your goals, know that there are others out there, like me, who admire your efforts and are striving for greatness too. Bottom line: Don’t let the wrong people bring you down.
- The haters can have less of an effect on you. – Don’t worry about the haters, ever. Don’t let them get to you. They’re just upset because the truth you know contradicts the lies they live. Period.
- Your individuality can be openly celebrated and enjoyed. – Constantly seeking approval means you’re perpetually worried that others are forming negative judgments of you. This steals the fun, ingenuity, and spontaneity from your life. Flip the switch on this habit. If you’re lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everybody else, don’t be ashamed and don’t change. Uniqueness is priceless. In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your remarkable self. It takes a lot of courage to stand alone, but it’s worth it. Being unapologetically YOU is worth it!
- There can very easily be less drama to deal with on a daily basis. – Forgo the drama. Ignore the negativity around you. Just be sincere and kind, and promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.
- You can create more time to socialize with the right people. – When you’re feeling insecure, you typically don’t notice the hundreds of people around you who accept you just the way you are. All you notice are the few who don’t. Don’t ever forget your worth. Spend time with those who value you. No matter how good you are to people, there will always be negative minds out there who criticize you. Smile, ignore them, and carry on. You might feel unwanted and unworthy to one person, but you are priceless to another.
- Great relationships are not governed by one-sided expectations. – When it comes to your relationships, don’t keep everything you need to say to yourself. Let it out. Express your point of view. Communication is not just an important part of a relationship, communication is the relationship. Communicate even when it’s uncomfortable and uneasy. One of the best ways to heal and grow a relationship is simply getting everything on the inside out in the open. Compromise. That’s how good people make great things happen together.
- You can be YOUR best, without competing with everyone else. – When you are happy to simply do your best and not compare or compete, everyone worth your while will respect you. Here’s some healthy food for thought: Always… Be strong, but not rude. Be kind, but not weak. Be humble, but not timid. Be proud, but not arrogant. Be bold, but not a bully. (Marc and I discuss these concepts in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of the brand NEW edition of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- You are not obligated to anyone more so than you are to yourself. – Your relationship with yourself is the closest and most important relationship you will ever have. So don’t forget about YOU out there, and don’t be too hard on yourself either. There are plenty of others willing to do both for you. And remember, if you don’t take good care of yourself, then you can’t take good care of others either; which is why taking care of yourself is the best selfish thing you can do.
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to give up trying to live up to people’s expectations
All the love and validation you need is yours to give yourself.
Let that sink in. Then leverage the reminders above as needed to let it sink in even deeper.
And, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)
Jose says
The reason I stopped living according to everyone’s expectations of me? Because I woke up one day at 45 years of age and realized I really wasn’t doing a single thing for myself on a day-to-day basis. So I didn’t drop my responsibilities, but I revamped my routines and started making myself a priority too. When I did, some people didn’t like it at first. But most of the people who truly matter in my life – my wife and son for instance – now tell me I’m a better husband and father for it.
PS. Thank you for your blog posts, books, and conferences. Your work has helped me thrive over the past five years. I’m truly grateful.
Linda Mercurio says
I woke up this morning feeling down right miserable. My mother died 8 months ago and I gained 20 pounds after she died, Id given up on life. I’m going to try and live like my mother would want me to live. I’m 72 and overweight. My mom was a great person. She’s probably looking down at me and telling me to get off my butt and start living again. I don’t know how to start. I miss her so much. Don’t know where to start getting my life back on tract.
Jennifer Gaines says
Angel (and Marc), I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Thank you.
This post perfectly expresses one of my favorite quotes from your book (I feel like I tell you this a lot, but you and Angel share so many thoughts that resonate with me):
“Ignore the comparisons and expectations knocking at your door. The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. Prove yourself to yourself, not others. The RIGHT people for you will love you for doing so, and they will appreciate all the things about you that the WRONG people are intimidated by. Bottom line: Don’t change so people will like you; be patient, keep being your amazing self, and pretty soon the RIGHT people will love the REAL you.”
Simply put, the best reason I can think of to not attempt to live up to everyone else’s expectations is: Allowing myself to walk comfortably in my own shoes, and not feeling the need to where a mask either. Call it freedom. Call it honesty. Either way, it feels better than any alternative.
Michelle S. says
Your emails and posts always deliver the good. 🙂 I’m still working on that #16, but I’m practicing with little things, trying to work up to the bigger things. It’s really scary to speak up sometimes, and being vulnerable isn’t comfortable, however, I do believe it’s necessary to get to the happiness and the living. You have to be strong and at least pretend to be confident to take a leap of faith. Fake it until make it, and do it as if there is no choice. When I do this I try to have a back up idea or plan to try to keep the forward motion going rather than just waiting to win or fail. Failing isn’t so bad if you’ve got a possible way out, and you’re “positive, oh well, try again” game on. This one made me smile and laugh out loud because it’s not natural to put yourself before others, but it’s necessary and we all know it deep down. We can’t help anyone else until we learn to help ourselves. Love you guys. Everyone have a fabulous day.
Tracy says
Love this…i am writing a letter to my daughter who turns 18 in a few weeks and added a few of your thoughts to it. I wish I could bottle this site and give it to her, since she doesn’t have the patience to read it as I do…
One thing that I struggle with often is #10. My husband’s personality is such that he turns around whatever others say to suit his needs. It can mean walking on eggshells trying to state some truths. As I’ve gotten older, I am less inclined to do so, yet find myself falling back to placating to keep the peace. Over time this has taken a toll on my and my sense of worth, and now I see it in my kids, particularly my son. I’m trying to work on being more true to myself than his reactions. However, my way of dealing with this has become to not speak rather than counter what he is saying. I know its not the right course, so much of what you both write has brought that home. Time to re-evaluate…
Anne Vennes says
I so identify with you, Tracy – I’ve been treading on egg shells for 39 years (today actually). I have always given in for the sake of a quiet life, hated conflict just wanted everything to be OK. Lost all sense of identity. Two weeks ago my partner said he wanted space to go his own way and would be leaving sometime soon! At first the thought of living alone seemed daunting, looking after a large house etc. I had the opportunity to get away for a couple of weeks and have had time to reflect and consider what I want for myself. I have been so inspired by the words of Marc and Angel and others who comment on this site and feel I can face the future in my own strength and find out who I really am.
Amelia says
Love it ….. Thank you for your truth and positivity ??
Bismark Opoku says
I am doing this all day and everyday. Thanks to Marc & Angel.
Katya says
This stands out to me as one if the all time best articles written. Thanks so much, I plan to share your wonderful and kind words if sound advice.
Francesco Galaverni says
I love this blog, it always manages to help me.
Freedom To Be says
The post above reminds me of a phrase I have on my wall that says “walking in boldness.” In my mind, I am a bold fearless woman, but when I speak, I hear a woman who has been battered by the blows in life. I use to say that if we observe our lives, it will tell us the action steps to move forward. I think I have said it so often spiritual enemies know how to sustain oppression and draw fear to obscure the life my Jesus has for me. I also believe the current theme of thriving in life is that one has to damage someone so you can advance in life. The thought in and of itself is not something the Lord would ordain, so I know it’s garbage. But the question is where do I go from here when the only options appear to affront godly living.
In short, your words are powerful and very similar to my own spirit and is full of the privileges in your life and my dream life. However, I am still curious about how one may rise up from challenges when the goal of life has been destructing every spiritual belief deposited by my Heavenly Father because ”that person is who I truly am.” As you stated, who I truly am is the person I chose to become and as long as that choice is healthy and progressive it should be accepted by those who say they love me.
I pray a strong future for you and your ministry. I pray for good health and godly wisdom. Remain in His care.
Patty says
Super messages today as always! Numbers 12 and 15 really spoke to me as I have had trouble with my grown stepchildren. I wrote both down on a card and will tuck it in my bible. Thank you!
JUSTICE says
When nobody talk about you,then you are nobody,Leave it for them to talk and think about you over and over again,don’t get nervous about what people are saying since you do everything in a way you love. love all but trust nobody except yourself.
Vanessa Rolph says
I always read your emails and articles and the 30 things to change what you do has been good up to a point. My problem was loving someone so much that I left myself behind somewhere along the way while caring for my husband who died from cancer. It affected all my friendships as they could not understand how my entire world had fallen apart and did not understand the emotional and financial losses that I endured. I have tried very hard to live in the now, appreciate all the good things I have and the beauty of nature but suffer so much as 40 years was spent planning for a future that can never be and the full impact of this is only just hitting me. I believe in part this stems from not having any adult relatives and family apart from my own children, and I miss all the people that loved me so much as a child. I feel like I want to go back in time and erase all the tragedy and have lost the ability to be optimistic.
My life was so happy for so many years, we had lots of love, enough income and enjoyed simple pleasures. We had to move away from my friends and family due to my husband’s work and I feel that in 1990 everything changed between us when we moved, as I felt very lonely. I had to invent things to keep me occupied, which I did by doing up a house and doing lots of creative activities with my children and cooking meals, but I really suffered as my husband worked long hours and it just about broke me at one stage and I wanted to run away! Even now I feel so sad about this and wish I could relive this period in time and use some of the wisdom you have shared. I know life is and will continue to be hard and challenging but even incremental changes do help, and I use my faith in God to try to make sense out of a loss that will always be with me. I still cannot see how this will make a space for something better in the future, and am working now on a plan to make my children’s lives secure, so they will have less greif to endure when my time on earth is done, not for may years yet I hope! Personal communication about financial matters was much affected by my husband’s illness and I want to ensure that I am not going to be in such a position again. The grief of financial loss is very hard to express to other people and even after counselling it is still a very heavy burden to bear. I need to find a way to lessen the burden and maybe see if I can work again but I am in my 60s and feel it is very unlikely as I live in a small rural village and opportunities are few and far between, but this is where I pray and hope for positive changes to take place.
laplazaa says
Nice article, well written and useful as always. i was browsing for personal development by curiosity, and your site was a good start point that has taught me how i can take little actions that change everything. thank you.
Lucille says
Just reading my emails and was reading about “living up to others expectations,”…. Wow just loved it!!!’ It came at a perfect time for me!!! It reinforced a lot of thoughts! Thank you for always being ‘“spot on” when I needed it the most! Just amazing!
Russell Wyman says
Fabulous! Thanks for sharing, Angel. For some reason, your words seem to be what’s typically relevant and appreciated in my life. I’m sure I’m not solo. If I am, I’m okay being on this limb alone. I enjoy your contributions and appreciate you taking the time and also taking a risk to share.
samuel says
Thank You Marc and Angel. Your articles are always help me to build a beautiful life.
Tammy Johnson says
I am trying to find peace in my life. I am filled with anger and heart ache. I have no reason for any of this. I have a wonderful blessed life. But still i feel so empty. So does any one have an opinion on why i feel this way ? I have a great husband. And beautiful smart 10 year old daughter. We can travel buy things. Do things. I do have it all. But something is missing terribly. Maybe i need to get more involved with God. Does any one have or think they have the answers for me.
Lynn says
I am going through a period of great change in my life. All of your posts are helpful, but this one particularly resonates as I rebuild myself following the end of a 30 year relationship.
What you do is fantastic. Thank you.
PS: Time to reread The Road Less Traveled