by Erica Layne, author of The Minimalist Way
“That which you hold, holds you.”
—Tom Robbins
Jeanne Marie had moved her wedding shoes from apartment to apartment, home to home—for more than fifteen moves over thirty-five years.
In her twenties, she’d shopped exhaustively for the right pair, trying on dozens of shoes before landing on the perfect strappy sandals, the pair that would follow her around for the next three and a half decades.
She’d always hoped to wear them again, maybe for an anniversary or a special date. But it had been years since those shoes fit, and on top of that, she and her husband had long since separated.
The day before trash day, she put the shoes in her trash bin—knowing in her gut that it was time to part with them. They weighed her down.
“I looked at the shoes laying there in the trash, taunting me, reminding me of my wedding day, and I pushed them in deeper. I instantly panicked, but I took deep breaths and walked away.”
The next morning, though, she found herself next to that trash bin. She dug through egg shells, coffee grounds, and dirty paper plates before spotting them toward the bottom.
The Weights We Shoulder
Do you ever feel the weight of your physical belongings resting on your chest? Or maybe for you, it’s your shoulders or lower back. When I feel like I own too much, I feel it on my chest—right over my heart. I can’t breathe as deeply or move as freely.
But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that with every item I get rid of, I lessen that weight.
Whether it’s a stack of papers I no longer need or the nine kitchen utensils I’ve never used, with each piece of clutter I send out of my home, I can inhale deeper. Move freer. Jump higher.
It almost feels like magic.
Our physical belongings have weight, indisputably. But they’re not the only things we hold on to long past their usefulness. What other weights are you carrying?
7 Things We Hold On To…
1. Relationships
Do you have a relationship in your life where every interaction leaves you feeling drained or diminished? It could be a co-worker, a boss, a friend, or a family member, but what marks this relationship as a weight on your chest is how you feel after each interaction. Pay attention to this.
2. Worry
How much mental and emotional energy have you wasted worrying about something that’s beyond your control? It’s amazing how our worries can come to feel like old friends. We allow our brains to follow the same pathways over and over, to the point where we’ve tricked ourselves into believing that worrying helps—that it’s even a way of showing love.
But wouldn’t it be ten times more powerful to ask ourselves if there’s anything we can do to improve the situation? This gives us the option of acting, not just worrying. And if there’s really nothing we can do—if the situation is 100 percent outside of our sphere of influence—what good does it do to hold on to worry?
“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.” — Erma Bombeck
3. Social Media
Do you follow any social media influencers who tend to leave you feeling like what you have—or who you are—isn’t enough? Or it could be an entire platform; maybe you’ve noticed that you feel down on yourself every time you open a certain app.
4. Habits
What’s one habit you long to kick but aren’t sure if you can? Maybe it’s the amount of sugar you eat after dinner or the never-enough hours of sleep you get at night. Maybe it’s the tone of voice you use when you’re tired or the amount of time you spend looking at a screen in your hand instead of the faces around you.
5. Thoughts
Do you have any thoughts that regularly cross your mind but are only holding you back? Are any of the following familiar?
- “No one appreciates me.”
- “I do everything around here.”
- “I’m not cut out for this.”
This is emotional clutter.
6. The Past
Our memories can bring us so much joy… but also so much pain. Especially if we’re refusing to let go of past wounds, whether inflicted by others or inflicted by ourselves. Forgiveness is power.
7. Clutter
From paper to furniture, from digital files to expired pantry goods… Too many of us are holding on, for far too long.
A Visualization Exercise to Help You Let Go
To help you let go, can you imagine—with as much detail as you can possibly summon—that each item you get rid of reduces the weight on your chest? Imagine that every piece you donate—every toxic relationship you navigate away from, every limiting thought you decide to stop believing—takes you closer to a lighter, freer, purer version of yourself.
Finally Saying Goodbye
That morning, an hour before the garbage truck would rumble through her neighborhood, Jeanne stopped just short of grabbing her shoes out of the bin and darting inside with them in hand.
I could save the heels, she thought in that moment. But I know I can’t save us.
Parting with the shoes was painful, but in this case, holding on felt worse.
A few hours later, she watched, standing next to the sheer curtains of her front window, as the garbage truck carried those shoes away.
And just as she’d hoped, she felt lighter as those shoes—and the emotional weight they carried—finally left her sight.
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Is there something you’re holding on to? If so, check here for more support: 15 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Struggle to Let Go
And of course, I would love to hear from YOU in the comments section.
Which point in this post resonated the most today?
Anything else to share?
Please leave me a comment below.
Author Bio: Erica Layne is a sunset chaser, mom of three, author of The Minimalist Way, and founder of The Life On Purpose Movement. She’s passionate about helping women trade overwhelm and fatigue for focus and peace.
Claire says
I think your point about how physical clutter oftentimes lingers because of how it’s emotionally attached to some past event in our lives is interesting. This has me thinking about the clutter I’m holding on to for all the wrong reasons. Thank you. I’m reading 1,000 Little Things now, but I’ll pick up The Minimalist Way to read next. 🙂
Erica says
Hi Claire! 1,000 Little Things is excellent, right?! The perfect doses of perspective, right when you need them. ?? (And of course, I’d be honored to have you add The Minimalist Way to your reading list. Thank you!) Wishing you all the best — declutter on! 😉
Frank Charles says
I so much appreciate this write up. It speaks more about me. I won’t feel down ever again. I will learn to let go.
Thanks so much.
Guadalupe says
Well, I am at a point right now, that clutter in my mind and around me, is has overwhelmed me so much, that I have difficulty knowing where to start. Sometimes when I get the strength I go through the material things we have piled for many years , take them out of the storage room and a few hours later, after browsing through each one of them, I get tired and I put them back in the storage, the same I do with my mind. Can not get ride of what is bothering me. And you are right , many times I when I go through my Facebook page, and I see all the happy pictures of my friends and their accomplishments, I feel down and want to say goodby and close the whole thing. And it is not that I am jealous of them, no, instead I feel frustrated with what I am going thorough . Thank you Mark and Angel, for your constant help.
gina evans says
I always love receiving a new post in my email from this blog! Great overview, Erica and M&A. Thank you. I too sometimes forget about how our physical and emotional attachments are intrinsically linked. And I also appreciate the visualization exercise. I’ll be practicing this on my break today.
Erica says
They ARE linked, right, Gina? That’s the thing about decluttering… For most of us, it’s really such an emotional experience; it’s not nearly as cut and dry as it seems on the surface. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment and kind words!
Zeeshan says
Excellent reminder to clear some clutter, mental and physical. Thank you. Looking forward to reading both your books too.
Mary says
I found Marie Kondo’s tip of literally saying goodbye aloud to objects to be very helpful. You can just say “Goodbye,” or you can elaborate and say, “Bye, thanks for helping to make my wedding day nice, but that day is long gone and I have the memories,” and so on.
Laine says
Hi, I cried a little bit reading this. I’m 60 now and lead a solitary life. I have gotten rid of a lot of stuff, in fact I have very little left, which is good. It’s relationships I struggle with, family, friends, aquaintances that are bad for me, if I could learn to walk away from that, I’d have peace. Stuff is easy, people, not so much.
T says
You don’t need to say goodbye to the people per se just the emotional baggage you apply to them. When you can see them or hear about them without getting worked up and keep your inner peace your there
Erica says
That’s so hard, Laine. Sending love!! -Erica
Brenda says
Thank you for your timely words.
A week ago I said my final goodbye to my husband, we had been married 60 years and there were things that I was ‘always going to do one day’. I have now learned that day has now come and I must say goodbye to so many other things that are here cluttering up our home. Nothing can hurt me more than my final goodbye to my dear John can it?
Erica says
Oh Brenda, I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry for the sense of loss that must weigh on your heart right now. It’s beautiful that you had so many years together. Sending love during this difficult time!
Jodi says
It can be hard to let go over things because there is such an emotional attachment to some of them.It is freeing to organize and de clutter.Letting go of a long term relationship even if toxic can be hard.
Kanchan Dhyani says
its is so nice to see your mail in my inbox, it alwayz draw a smile on my face nd relief to mind.
Raymond E O'Neill says
Thank You. Always look forward to your column . I’m a Widower of three years and a fifty year marriage. I’ve remained in our Home, (because in Hospice my Wife instructed me to take care of our House.). Everything has a voice and a memory. With your insight , the struggle to to minimize has a light at the end of the tunnel.
Marcy says
This post is so appropriate for me as I am moving after living in my home for 24 years. It does feel good to get rid of stuff. Yes, a lot of it has gone to the dump but a large portion has gone to charity and it makes me feel good that someone else may find it useful.
Heidi says
Point number 5 just hit me like a ton of bricks. I just realised I am so guilty of this, its as if I am so sorry for myself, yet I have so much to be grateful for. Why do I let these thoughts take over? Perhaps I should start a gratitude journal.
Julie Teeter says
Heidi,
Gratitude journals are such a powerful tool. It is amazing, to me, all the ‘little’ things we take for granted; the song of a bird, warmth of the sun on our cheeks, even the food in our cupboard. I have been keeping a Gratitude journal for several years, albeit not concurrent, and it has truly helped me to re-ground myself and become far less negative and ‘why me’ in my daily life.
Namaste’,
Julie
Erica says
Hi Heidi! I’m so glad that point was eye opening for you! Emotional clutter is something we don’t often talk about,
but I think it weighs us down and holds us back more than almost anything else. I did little video about this (including three steps to help you release it) on Instagram if you’d like to take a look! You might find it helpful. https://www.instagram.com/tv/BwsL7eeh6GI/ Sending love!
Dianne Rodgers says
I have been receiving your emails for about 3 months. I found you by googling, ‘I’ve lost my motivation.’ My husband passed away 8 months ago after battling Parkinson’s for 2 1/2 years. I not only feel stuck, often I feel paralyzed. I have read every one of your articles and they help. They make perfect sense and I feel empowered when I read them, but later when it is time to take action, for some reason I just can’t. I cared for my husband while he was sick and have put on a lot of extra weight. It is affecting not only my health, but my state of mind. I bought the Peloton, the smokeless grill and other tools to assist in weight loss, but there they sit, unused.
I have a hard time believing in myself anymore. The sad thing is that I am an accomplished woman who was a motivator to others once upon a time.
Any says
Part of that is grief. There is no set process or timeline for that. Be patient with yourself and maybe choose one small goal at a time.
Contrary Mary says
I’m sorry for your loss. After watching my mother after daddy died, and then myself after momma passed away, I thought I needed grief counseling. It was a wise thing to do. I’m still working thru my losses. It takes different folks different amounts of time. My suggestion to you is to first focus on processing your grief feelings. Thru group counseling or one on one. It will make a huge difference, I promise you. Only then will you feel more like you can resume some semblance of a normal life. Then you can feel more motivated to do the self care you need most. I wish you all the best.
T says
Oh wat a moment for this to come in my inbox! Are you psychic? Today my divorce is final. I’m taking the day off and going on a day trip to re-align myself. These last few months were tough going through those mental scripts of what and why of a 36 year marriage. I know I need to let go, I am working on letting go the bitterness, resentments. Why couldn’t he be there for me? Why couldn’t he truly listen to what I was saying? Why couldn’t he meet me half way? I hear from his friends and the law clerk that did our divorce paperwork that he always said nice things about me, well why couldn’t he tell the person that should have heard those things, me? Always somewhere else, always planning something else instead of being present in the moment with me. Time to let go and sweep out the dust bunnies and cob webs
Lisa Tradewell says
Thank you so much for this. Right now I am going through a divorce, lost much of my stuff through a house fire November 1st and am living in an apartment with some donated furniture and things I could save from the house. It has been a sad but good experience letting some of the old go. Realizing they are just ‘things’, not life or living. Embracing the joy of today and exactly where I am right now.
Craig says
I am finding this really hard to do. I am 60 and life did not work out of the way I had planned and hoped. I am living in the past due to all the mistakes I made and wish I could go back. I made one decision 20 years ago that was supposed to make my life better and it went the opposite costing me my future and since then I have lived with nothing but regret. A sea of regret daily. During that time I worked and tried as hard as ever in my life to make a life out of that decision but here today nothing feels worth it and all that effort seems meaningless. It was like no matter what this was the destiny. I can’t sleep at night, and haven’t for years due to the worry about my future. Living in the present is a reminder of what didn’t work. All the things I love to do, people I loved, all the things/people that gave me a passion are gone. I’m too afraid to move forward to try new things for fear of just another failure. and even when I try something new it’s short lived and I just pull away. All because at 60 I feel it’s simply too late. That’s what I cannot get out of my head – it’s too late. And all the stuff here on this website is for younger people with lots of time left. I can tell you if i’m 40 I’m feeling way more positive…
Any says
It’s never too late until you are gone. Hopefully you still have 20-30 or more years ahead of you. You can do it.
Carol says
Don’t say that Craig. Never say never. There is still time! Start with one little thing and put on a smile. Life is short, and you still have chapters to live through.
Shirley Kingdon says
It is very easy to say let go of toxic relationships and I have made an honest effort to do this. I have distanced myself, moved 500 miles away and limited contact. But when it is my daughter who is mother to 5 of my grandchildren, the hurt and the feelings don’t leave. It is a huge struggle for me. I think of it and am burdened by it daily. It affects my peace of mind. This is all because I remarried after being a widow for 10 years and she is having a difficult time accepting the fact that I remarried and my new husband. She exhibits awful behavior to both of us. It is very difficult. I have started reading your books and I look forward to discovering coping skills that will allow me the ability to let go and accept things as they are.
Miya says
The point I most resonated with was the one about forgiveness. Forgiving people who’ve wronged you is hard, but I’ve found forgiving yourself for mistakes or bad decisions is even harder. Thank you for the great article!
Barb Mac says
I can certainly relate to this – it is difficult but I’ve been working on convincing myself it’s ok to forgive ME.
'Tina' says
Your article was ‘good news’ for me today. I’m in the middle of a down-size and reorganization of my single life after being widowed 4 years ago. Out of necessity, I’m willing to let go of the things that are JUST things. But of course 90% of them have good memories attached (to my happily married days). I’m just worried at how long it’s going to take to do the minimizing that I really do want to do, but I’m afraid it will drag on and I’ll lose my momentum. At 67, I’m coming to the realization that my kids don’t want ‘the stuff.” I’ll get there–but realistically it will take longer than I hoped. Wish I could short-cut it somehow. I have to keep moving–don’t stop.
Oraka TauOa says
I really needed this message today. I finally released my mum after living with me for over 19 years. She is blind now and requires more closer care which I cant give as I am working. I continue to provide suuport to my older siblings who caring for her now. Thanks for this heartfelt message I so dearly need. Oraka TauOa PNG
Joanne Reed says
There are a number of these that resonate with me – particularly social media and clutter. The truth is that unless you let go you cannot move forward or make way for new things to come into your life.
Barbara Chambers says
Letting go. When I was 18 years old I bought an old steamer trunk and absolutely everything I owned fit in it with room to spare. I kept that trunk for years as a reminder of how little I actually needed.
For me it has never been stuff that has been hard to let go of, but rather how I thought things should be – how I thought my life should look – that remains my challenge. At 60 I am learning to stand in my own power, to let things be exactly the way they are and to realize that there never truly is a set destination-there is only a journey.
To those commenters who express a sense of loss or failure or regret I say be gentle with yourself and the journey you are on. The best journeys are full of twists and turns, dark nights and bright mornings, unexpected joy and deep loss. Its okay not to know your way all the time. Its okay to be lost and then found and then lost again. It doesn’t matter if you are 20 or 50 or 70 – you are here and the journey continues. You are here in this beautiful life with all your stories, your strengths and your weaknesses, your mistakes and your triumphs, your joys and your sorrows- still here- beautifully flawed and imperfectly perfect. Stand in that power.
Maria Iribe says
About 7 years ago I did something bad that affected everyone around me. I still linger on what I did and constantly blame myself and can’t let go. What can I do to change my thoughts. I feel hopeless.
Jonathan says
I am reminded that while the memories can be sweet or bittersweet, by letting these items go, we free space in our mind, in our physical space, and in our life to fill with new memories. It would seem as symbolic as the shoes are good and bad, it is freeing to let that memory go and build on the experiences since. Thank you for this reminder.
Laurene says
Love this. Thanks for this.