“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.”
—Thomas Jefferson
This article was inspired by a short email we received recently from a new course student:
Dear Marc and Angel,
In one of your recent emails you asked your students to think about a weakness they’d like to change. Mine is telling lies. Although they’re usually just little lies, I’ve gotten carried away. I lie about things all the darn time mostly to just make myself appear better than I am… because I want to impress people. But it’s getting harder! I feel like every little lie leads to another one, and it’s wearing on me. I’m sick of my own dishonesty! Please help me break this habit. I need some motivation to make a change once and for all. Your wisdom on this topic would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
A Dishonest Student
Our reply (an open reply to all who have lied to impress people):
Dear Dishonest Student,
It’s time for a quick story about life…
Once upon a time, an aging king knew the end of his life was nearing, and he decided it was time to designate a successor. Since he had sadly lost his wife and children in a terrible accident, he chose to pass the throne on to one lucky child. So he summoned children from every corner of his kingdom and asked them to visit the castle immediately.
When the children arrived, he gave each of them one little brown seed. “I want you to plant your seed, give it sunlight and water, and take good care of it,” he said. “In exactly six months from today, return to the castle with the plant you’ve grown. The child who grows the most beautiful plant will be mentored by me to become the next king or queen!”
One of the lucky children who received a seed that day was a young girl named Skye. She immediately ran home and carefully planted her seed in a pot of nutrient-rich soil, and then placed it on a well-lit windowsill. Every day Skye watered and cared for her seed. A few weeks later several other children in her school began bragging about their beautiful plants, but Skye’s pot was still empty. Despite her constant care, her seed hadn’t grown at all.
Six months passed by quickly, and it was time for all the children to return to the castle to show the king the plant they had grown. Skye didn’t want to go with her empty pot of soil, but her parents told her to be honest about her failure. Discouraged and dejected, Skye listened to her parents and returned to the castle. She stood quietly at the very back of the room where the king would be evaluating everyone’s plants, and waited to be judged.
As the king entered the room he looked amazed to see so many beautiful plants. He then proceeded to walk from child to child admiring what they had grown. And the closer the king got to Skye, the more her eyes welled up with tears.
The king eventually stood before her and her empty pot of soil. “What is your name?” the king asked.
“Skye,” she said with a whimper.
“Where is your plant, Skye?”
Hanging her head in humiliation, Skye took a deep breath and then looked up at the king and told the truth: “Your majesty, I planted the little brown seed you gave me in this pot, and I gave it plenty of sunshine and water every single day, but the seed did not grow at all. I have failed.”
Suddenly, the king’s voice thundered throughout the room, “Behold! My successor! Your next queen! Her name is Skye!”
Silence and confusion swept over the room as the king continued, “Six months ago, I gave everyone here a boiled brown seed that could not grow into a plant. Only Skye had the heart and courage to share the truth with me today. Soon enough, she will lead our kingdom very well!”
REMEMBER:
As friends, as family members, as teammates… too often we feel the need to lie about our experiences and accomplishments, simply to make ourselves appear bigger and better than we are. We believe that if we constantly show off the “beautiful plants” we’ve grown, others will love and respect us. But this is far from the truth (no pun intended).
When we share our truths openly and honestly, not only do we build the kind of trust that opens doors to deeper relationships and real opportunities, but we also make it easier for the people we spend our lives with to be more open and honest with us, which makes every moment together healthier and more peaceful.
Sincerely,
Marc and Angel
Your turn…
Please leave a comment below and let us know:
How do you find the strength to stand by the truth, even when doing so is difficult?
Anything else to share?
We would love to hear from YOU. 🙂
Also, we recently released our NEW podcast, THINK BETTER, LIVE BETTER (yes, it shares the title of our annual live event). You can listen to the first 10 episodes on your favorite podcast player right now (M&A on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Google Podcasts).
Finally, our next annual Think Better, Live Better conference is taking place February 8-9, 2020 in San Diego. We just released 4 more discounted early bird tickets that are still available right now (while they last).
Sarah Lowre says
Yeah, like so many of us, I’ve lied to impress others a time or two in my life. And I’ve learned my lesson. I couldn’t agree more with the moral of your story: Honesty pays the best dividends in the long run!
A quote on (not) lying that you and Angel shared in either your book or one of your past emails that I use as a reminder:
“Love in relationships doesn’t hurt. Lying, cheating and screwing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts.” — Nothing could be closer to the truth!
Dupinder Johl says
I wish this is read by each elected and or appointed member of our Gov. . I wish they have courage to be honest for making and leaving a better world for our kids and grandkids . And we will love and respect and support them in all honesty to take care of our country and us before taking care of themselves.
Amen!
Ardith says
wouldn’t it be wonderful for all politicians to be “honest” and work together to make this world a better place. Things have gotten beyond ridiculous.
Howard says
Dupinder, exactly. First thing I thought of reading this. All the lies and [email protected]&t coming out of certain people. How can our children learn to have honor and respect? And tell the damn truth!
Jane Mang'era says
Thanks for such a wonderful story about being truthful. I have found the story so educatiful and I have decided to print it and give to my students to read. I am a high school teacher in Kenya at Mwiki secondary school _Nairobi Kenya _East Africa
Kristine says
As a Grandma I always tried to make every visit with me magical. My granddaughter was four at the time. I jokingly said to her, if you press your grandpa’s back his wings will come out and he will fly. She paused for a moment and thought about it and said, “grandma, God doesn’t like it when we tell stories(lies).” My husband and I looked at each other and laughed. There was nothing else I could say. She was right, even though I was just playing around. Your name and integrity are important. I stand on my integrity. The word lie makes me cringe and I can’t hold the truth in, my conscious always win. I love seeing the gleam in children’s eyes when they learn the difference between the truth and a lie. What a wonderful story for me to share with my family.
Lesson: It is better to stand alone with the truth, than in a crowd with a lie.
Gift says
Love ur last line… Better stay alone in truth. Thanks for sharing ur story , my love to ur grand daughter.
Annette says
All I can say that story is WOW! I have an ex friend who is somewhat of a pathological liar. Some call what she does an exaggeration. I call it as I see it. There’s a difference between a big fish story and a whale story. Seriously. She’s insecure when it comes down to it and feels the need to exaggerate every story she tells. I honestly never know what is the truth and what is made up.
Bottom line, I hate liars. Little white lies are one thing, constant lies for no good reason are another. I’m so glad I have a lot of integrity and though I can’t say I have never lied – I sure don’t use it as a means to hurt others. I generally do it to CMA or to spare a friends feelings.
I’m definitely sharing…. great article.
Marrissa Evans says
Wonderful story, thank you! I find that my own lies are not to impress others but more to fit what is accepted in our culture like showing appreciation for an ugly gift or issues at work where one needs to “fit in”….. I guess it is more to be accepted than to impress. But your overall point still rings very true to me, and I will keep this in mind the next time I catch myself trying “fit in” for the wrong reasons.
Bren says
My story is that by revealing the truth about ourselves we expose our own vulnerability. And others love this – it is a connection and an anchor and a place to grow from. Nothing quite engages with others like an honest, intimate reveal of our deepest fear or our most ugly challenge.
As a healer, I find those who embrace the truth – and let’s face it sometimes it’s just plain awkward to do so – are so many steps closer to healing than those who insist on playing along with ego.
Brilliant thought provoking article!
Mary J says
I live a lie, I’m holding a secret that no one knows about, concerning someone I love. It’s painful, but not mine to reveal, I wish I didn’t know what I know, I’ve been made into a “liar” by default.. Would appreciate any words of wisdom on this….
Angelcat47 says
If it concerns someone’s welfare and happiness, perhaps you owe it to that person to tell them the truth, especially if you love that person. No matter how you received the knowledge, it is now yours. I’m sure it will be difficult to reveal your secret, but perhaps you might ask yourself these questions: Would I want to know this secret if I were the one involved? Would it change the way I operate in the world or with this person if I were the one receiving the knowledge? I wish you relief and peace from this situation.
Mary J says
Thank you. Yes…your words make sense.
Lei Lani says
This article resonates with me so well! My son is one who tells ‘stories’. I worry that he is starting to not be able to distinguish what his life was REALLY like from what he has told everyone his life was like.
The sad truth is he comes by this honestly. I spent years telling people things about me, my past, everything, that simply were either not true, or not totally true. I figured out early (with the help of some great therapists) why I couldn’t face my truth, and gained a lot of my own self back in the succeeding decades. (thankfully, before I had my son!)
My little piece of advice – learn to live with yourself, in your own head, and your own body. It is okay to be who you truly are – no matter how much you feel like you can’t be who you are. It is hard to look in the mirror and see who you really are. Forgive yourself. But only after you decide to be who you are. It will not matter what you told people in the past, even if you still deal with them on a daily basis. Each day, each moment, is another opportunity to be your true self. I was amazed how many people understood (or at least accepted) that what they thought they knew about me was not true, once I started being me.
Yes, I am flawed. Yes, I have problems that stem from a very strange upbringing. But I own the truth about myself now, and do not feel the need to embellish my story, because I want it to be MY story, and all of the weird, horrible, wonderful chapters that have passed make me who I am today. And I am comfortable in my own skin.
Beverly says
Interesting post. I don’t tell lies to make myself look better but I often omit the truth, which results in the same thing. I hide traits I don’t like about myself (secret binge eating comes to mind). For years I told lies as a default, thinking I was saving other’s feelings or keeping myself out of trouble. My brothers and I had to lie to our parents to stay out of trouble and it became a bad habit. Changing this is a work in progress and I’m getting there. Now for the binge eating – which is basically lying to myself.
Sibongiseni says
This is the truth, I often lie about what I think would be embarrassing moments, like, for instant at work. I would say things are done or almost done where they are actually far from over…or claim to understand things when I actually don’t. It’s painful but thank you so very much am born again now!!!
Howard says
A wise person once said, “Stick to the truth. It’s easier to remember.”
Angelcat47 says
I love this!!
Ginger says
Perfect!
Ann C says
This was one of my father’s golden rules. We heard it often. And it’s very true.
Laurie Rothberg says
I lied only once in my life— truth.
My dad helped me, and my mom knew.
It was the worst thing I had to do, but knew it had to be done.
I have never forgotten this lie, and would most likely do it again if the same circumstance happened.
I had little choice.
My answer: Don’t lie to impress. If up against a wall,
Consider carefully what you’re doing.
Magezi munondizwei says
Being honest pays in the long run.
Carl says
Lies are the hallmark of narcissists. Indeed, the narcissist is a walking, talking lie.
When you are in the relationship and madly in love with that person, you will believe anything they tell you.
It is only after you realize the big lie, that they loved you, that you start to examine all the other lies they told you about their great accomplishments, kindness, character, etc.
The liar crumbles into dust in our hands as we examine her from all angles.
Carl says
Lies are the hallmark of narcissists. Indeed, the narcissist is a walking, talking lie.
When you are in the relationship and madly in love with that person, you will believe anything they tell you.
It is only after you realize the big lie, that they loved you, that you start to examine all the other lies they told you about their great accomplishments, kindness, character, etc.
The liar crumbles into dust in our hands as we examine her from all angles.
Buffet says
Simply awesome story!!
Gái Nguyen says
I’ve never lied. I fear no one. I fear nothing. It’s the biggest lesson I learned from my Dad. Hoe once told me: Gai, you are not intelligent, only patient. Your eldest sister is intelligent. I owed him a lot, all my life, for the truth. I knew the truth, which didn’t kill anyone. So I know the truth doesn’t kill anyone.
Sujatha says
Awesome tale…..very motivating indeed!! Thank you!
Lynne says
Little white lies often lead to bigger lies.
Claudia Muller says
I don’t talk too much, when I finally open my mouth and sharing something with someone it’s usually something that I can’t take anymore. Other people usually know more bad things that people have done to me or about me, more then I know or express about myself. The public know what I am talking about. You probably heard more about me then I do about myself. I don’t have no need to lie because everything I said about myself is public. I never lie for favor or acceptance. I usually keep my problem for myself instead of sharing my burdens with others who might get tired of me. That is exactly why I have been suffering so much into the hands of bullies, I am not a talkative person. I always keep my mouth shut. I know that I am not perfect like everyone else. But the lies my haters have formulated about me to dirt my character and to destroy my reputation will never fit my personality, my self- image, my life style as an engaged Christian from birth, a mother, a professional, a good citizen with no public records since I have been leaving in this country for more than 30years. I don’t care what anybody think, I am not going to make up false story about myself of things that I have never experienced in my life just to please my false accusators. I will always stand against nicked lies, lies with no head, no foot, no evidence, no legal evident paper; nonesens lies that the haters are trying to referred me to.
If someone wants to believe lies from those professional liars who are tirelessly forging lies to confuse people and to blame their victims, that’s up to them, but, for me, I will not believe anything they say. They are persecutors, predators, professional liars, period.
LEIGH says
I find this article appearing in my Inbox today very timely, as I have been wrestling with the topic of “lies” lately myself. There are the lies you tell other people and there are the lies you tell yourself. Isn’t the whole “fake-it-til-you-make-it” coaching-guru methodology all based on lies? Is it a lie if it causes harm? If I make myself out to be more or different or “better” than I really am, am I harming myself or the ones I love? I mean, lying on a job resume is one thing, lying about my bank account is another, lying about my actual appearance by coating my face in makeup is another but in the end, the lies can do damage to both myself and others. This day and age, while people are searching for truth, we are bombarded by images and ads that are even more sophisticated, airbrush perfect and full of SGI and plastic surgery. There is a clear quest for authenticity at odds with rampant pressure to conform. Witness the number of young women wearing false eyelashes or getting tattooed “emoji” brows.I wish the article spent more time on the “why” of why we lie. It certainly would help me gain more clarity.
Heidi says
This was a very meaningful message for me. I have a close adult relative I love very much who has never been able to grasp the difference between what is true and what she decides is true. I think it’s based on a combination of narcissism and self doubt. Sadly, she fits that expression; “How do you know when so-and-so is lying? – their lips are moving…..”
I’ve learned not only from this person, but others, just how impossible it is to have a ‘real’ relationship with someone who lies all the time. And I have learned that the more one lies, the harder it gets to even recognize the truth any more. It’s a sad, vicious circle. I’ve had good counselling to learn to deal with this reality, and I have other relatives who do not seem to share the behavior.
Most importantly for me – I’ve learned to constantly work hard at walking an honest path in my own life.
Stan says
Sometimes I lie to spare someone’s feelings when I can’t think fast enough to say the truth in a way that won’t hurt them. I have often said very hurtful things to people when I’ve told the truth as I see it. I’m not excusing my behavior, I just don’t know how to handle the situation correctly all the time, and a lie is a convenient way to keep the peace.
Lor says
The TRUTH will Always Set you Free !!
G says
The truth makes you free! You always need a big lie to cover another, it will not stop.
Levina says
Sometimes I use to lie but by reading this keep me thinking through..the moral is so big
Laurène says
Amazing story that I will discuss in class with my students ( aged 11 to 17). Thank you so much Marc and Angel?
John Gordy says
lying is what hurt and kills others
Austin Oti Obilor says
Very early in life, I learned of this famous quote; “If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything,”. It created an impression on me and has aided me in life.