by Rachel Macy Stafford, author of Live Love Now
Because I wrote a book called LIVE LOVE NOW, you might think I am going to tell you how you can live in a constant state of love and positivity now and forevermore. That is not the case, nor is it realistic. As we live life, we inevitably encounter distressing situations and tough periods which can bring forth unloving responses. But when we begin practicing living love, we learn over time how to choose empathy and kindness for ourselves and others, even during times of conflict and instability.
Living love is often messy, and it’s not always easy—but it becomes a recurring gift we can give ourselves and the ones we love. Take a look…
While working on breaking a long and unhealthy relationship with diet soda one summer, I had an emotional outburst. At the time, my head was throbbing from the caffeine withdrawal, and I was mad at myself for not listening to my urologist when she said it was imperative that I stop drinking soda.
As I grumbled to myself in the kitchen that morning, every crumb on the floor glared at me. I hollered at my daughters to help sweep and was met with a very lethargic 10-year-old who had a sore knee. She half-heartedly pushed the broom across the floor in no particular direction.
After watching for a few minutes in irritation, I aggressively instructed her to “put some muscle into it!”
When she made minimal improvement, I spouted off a tirade of complaints. As the harsh words tumbled out of my mouth, I cringed. I sounded so unreasonable. So erratic. So irrational. So unhinged.
But in my state of duress, I could not pull it together.
The mediocre sweeping stopped abruptly and the girl pushing the broom began to cry.
My older daughter intervened calmly. “Mom,” she said, “we know you’re trying hard to break an unhealthy habit, but please don’t be mean. Avery is trying.”
My daughter Natalie saw to the root of the problem, and she responded compassionately and calmly—a winning combination.
“Natalie is being reasonable,” I thought to myself. “I am not. I should follow her lead.”
I instantly calmed.
Irrationality loses power in the face of reason.
Fear wanes in the presence of calm.
Conflict eases in the light of compassion.
This is what I know.
If it hadn’t been for the diet soda meltdown, I might have forgotten about my long and unhealthy relationship with ‘Unreasonable.’ For decades, I’d clung to it when I was fearful, anxious, angry, sad, or stressed. My sister, Rebecca, was the best one at spotting the deeper issue behind my unreasonable behavior and addressed it with a calm and steady approach, “How can I help, Rachel?”
Rebecca’s response had always had a profound impact on my anxiety.
Irrationality loses power in the face of reason.
Fear diminishes in the presence of calm.
Conflict eases in the light of compassion.
This is what I know.
Over the past several years, I’ve learned to detect when I’m starting to latch on to Unreasonableness. I start to feel it weigh down my body. My heart begins racing. I can’t breathe or think straight. I start barking orders at loved ones or myself, as if to control an uncontrollable situation.
Those unpleasant feelings and behaviors alert me to repeat my sister’s words. I say to myself: How can I help, Rachel? Those words help me stay in a rational place where communication opens up and help can be received.
Although it may sound odd, I’m thankful for my relationship with Unreasonableness. The growth and awareness stemming from it has prepared me to be a loving Guide to my kids as they navigate the teen years, a time that often seems to invite instability. Although I am still a work in progress, I am able to look past my daughters’ behaviors and see the deeper source of pain. As a result, they are often able to recognize it themselves.
One afternoon, I received a frantic call from my older daughter about a neighbor’s house key she’d misplaced. In her moment of despair, she lashed out at me. I felt my frustration rising and my defensiveness go on high alert. But instead of matching her unreasonableness with my own, I reminded myself: That’s fear talking. She’s afraid the key is gone, and she won’t be able to do her job and she may get fired.
I understood that fear, and I knew what to do.
“I can’t help you look right now, but I will in an hour when I get home. This is not my fault, but I will be glad to help you look. I’m sure we’ll find it.”
“Okay,” she said curtly.
An hour later, I received a heartfelt apology via text. “I am sorry for how I acted. I was mad at myself and took it out on you. I found the key once I calmed down,” she said.
“Thank you,” I responded. “I do that too when I am upset and things are out of my control,” I admitted.
My daughter and I are both learning to look past the behavior we see to the hidden pain that is motivating it; this is helping us maintain compassion for ourselves in the face of uncertainty.
Irrationality loses power in the face of reason.
Fear wanes in the presence of calm.
Conflict eases in the light of compassion.
This is what I know.
One of the best tools for living love is something I call The Reasonability Test. It is most helpful when I am met with pushback or at times when conflict is quickly escalating. During these times, I check in with myself using the following three questions:
- Is what I am asking or saying reasonable?
- Do I sound like the voice of reason?
- Does my body language match my calm voice and words?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, there’s a good chance I’m contributing to the instability and conflict. I make adjustments to my words, tone, body language, and/or expectations so I can better understand and be better understood.
If the answer to any of the three questions is yes, and the other person is not responding reasonably, it most likely means there is a deeper issue at hand.
That’s when I offer one of three reasonable responses to get to the root of the issue:
- Help: “I know you are under a lot of stress right now, how can I help?”
- Validation: “You really wanted it to work out differently. I am so sorry it didn’t work out that way.”
- Space: “I’m going to give you some time to yourself. I’ll be right out here if you need me. Perhaps in a bit we can talk about why you’re so upset.”
To a scared soul, these responses feel like comfort.
To a drowning mind, these responses feel like oxygen.
To a rejected heart, these responses feel like acceptance.
I can’t help but see how valuable The Reasonability Test is right now considering the current state of our world.
Consider the possibilities…
What if we were to see beyond the defensiveness, anger, and frustration of our fellow human beings to acknowledge the pain and fear within?
What if we were a calm and steady voice of reason in our communities and our world – the voice that says, “I see you are having a hard time. Lean on me through this storm. We’ll get through it together.”
Just think of the progress we could make if we offer compassion and seek understanding in a time of great uncertainty. Just think of the healing that could happen. Just think of the hope we could create.
Irrationality loses power in the face of reason.
Fear wanes in the presence of calm.
Conflict eases in the light of compassion.
May we come to know this.
May we come to live this.
Now, it’s YOUR turn…
I would love to hear from YOU in the comments section.
What do YOU think of this post?
(Which specific line resonates the most?)
Please leave me a comment below.
Author Bio: Rachel Macy Stafford is a New York Times bestselling author and founder of handsfreemama.com. In her newly released book, LIVE LOVE NOW, Rachel Macy Stafford does what she does best: she lovingly encourages, guides, and challenges us to choose love for ourselves and for those around us. Through stories, reflections, and tangible tools, Rachel reminds us that simple changes yield positive results.
Special note from Angel: If you interact at all with kids (calling all parents, teachers, neighbors, friends) you need to get Rachel Macy Stafford’s new book.
Rachel is my go-to parenting author. Over the past five years, her books have helped me show up every day with more heart, love, patience and acceptance towards myself and my family. I am a better mother because I started following her work. And I am constantly blown away by the way she shows up in the world, clarifying and calming my heart and mind even on the toughest of days.
Here’s some food for thought from LIVE LOVE NOW, on page 49:
“Do your kids know that they do not need to do anything, be anything, or change anything to be loved by you? Instead of assuming they know, make it a point to frequently say, ‘I love you just as you are. Exactly as you are. I love you because you are you.'”
Go find your kids, tell them that statement, and leave me a heart below. I promise, you’ll love this book as much as I do. 🙂
Fran says
This came at just the right time to remind me, thank you
Rachel Macy Stafford says
I am so glad to hear this, Fran. Love, Rachel
Rose says
?? it!
Rose says
Love it is what I meant
Agnes says
This is great, but the other one needs to be be open to the offer
Renee Knapton says
I was raised by a mom whose emotional illness was such that she did not acknowledge the face of reason, so these lessons came late to me, through therapy and loving friends. They’re extremely helpful, especially in this very un-reasonable time in history. I’ve been doing very well through the safer at home ordeal but this morning I was very uncomfortable, just one of the bad days that happen to all of us struggling to deal with extremely unusual conditions. Your article arrived at the perfect time.
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you for doing the work to heal and choose a new response. I appreciate your contribution today. Love, Rachel
Mike Ferrera says
Fantastic teaching from Rachel. Thank you. I will buy the book today and share.
I appreciate you guys and your books! I buy extra copies after I keep giving mine away to friends. The daily reminders I get via email from you are tools that I use and send to struggling friends. The impact of your work has been a life changer for me in terms of perspective and the power of our mind to make the choice of our attitude and response to any situation.
Thank you!
Mike
Rachel Macy Stafford says
Thank you so much, Mike! I am grateful!
Carylle says
These responses have provided me with a valuable tool, for responding to unreasonableness. I can see the difference these would make in helping to calm someone who is distraught and unable to be reasonable. This is going to be a tool I will use often. I am grateful for receiving this email this morning. It is certainly timely!
Thank you so much!
Andrea says
As much as I hate to admit it, I’m struggling with ‘Unreasonableness’.
Especially with this…
Irrationality loses power in the face of reason.
Naveen Bommakanti says
That was great story 🙂 Truly compelling and moving. Thank you for your amazing words. Stay safe.
Suz says
Thank you for this powerful insight and sharing.
I have a different relationship to “reasonable” and “unreasonable” in that I have learned it is ok for me to have hard feelings- even when others say those feelings are “unreasonable”. I have also been trying to unlearn telling myself I have to be “reasonable”. I would be curious to hear any ideas you have about navigating the compassionate middle with others and within ourselves. My first guess it is the difference between how we are feeling and how we are acting?
Janet says
Thank you for this excellent article. I struggle with being unreasonable, particularly when I’m angry or fearful. Thanks for the great advice as to how to turn this around.
Maggie says
My husband of 35 years left me for another woman. I read Marc and Angel everyday. I belong to an online divorce group (there are no divorce groups in my area) I’ve read over a dozen books on the subject, I have positive quotes stuck to my mirror and yet I’m no better than the day he told me he was leaving. The only reason I don’t end this pain is because of what it would do to my daughters. I don’t think I’ll ever get past it.
Heather says
Oh Maggie, I hear you and am so grateful you are still choosing to bear this moment of pain – despite it seeming to go on and on. You are so strong and brave for grieving this loss. One day or one breath at a time. Thank you for your vulnerable share. I see you and am so glad you stay.
Alison Dorey says
Hi Maggie,
Ali Dorey here from the UK. I’m not a counsellor but I was struck by your pain & I’m wondering whether you’ve had any counselling to help you? So you can begin to find a way out once you’re done with grieving for the loss of your long-term relationship? I think you are amazing staying in place for your daughters. I’m sure eventually you’ll be staying in place for you, too.
With love,
Ali
Polly says
Maggie my heart really goes out to you, may I ask you how long it’s been since he left ?
Annie Stevens says
This really struck me and I wanted to reach out to you.
Your track record for getting through Hard Days,so far, is 100%. Keep Going. You will Survive. And Thrive.
Wishing you Peace, Annie
April Ramos says
As always, perfect timing! Your emails are always relatable to my life in one way or another. Thank you for the reminders that help me stay on track, focused and the best that I can be! I look forward to reading this book.
Kate says
This is wonderful! Reminds me of the doctor in New Amsterdam. Whenever his staff or patients have an issue, his response is “how can I help?”
Obviously that’s a TV show, but it’s made a huge impact on me, and I’m working on integrating the attitude into my life.
Judy says
I doubt this will work if dealing with a mentally ill person. I have an old friend who lives far away from me-she has visited & we’ve called & used social media. She has had a lot of trauma & I’ve ways praised her strength, never said a negative thing to her but she’s taken to criticize everything I say now & even as far as things that never happened! I walked on eggshells with her until I realized I was a target for her anger. I stopped communicating with her after I sent a message telling her how much she hurt me. I know she feels she can do no wromg, is always right. I planned on speaking to her again but she is not a reasonable person any longer-not the person I knew at all. I’m angry & sad , I know she’s had issues with others as well but I have hesitated to call. I don’t expect rationality from her but yet I feel we should speak again. Guess I’m irrational for wanting to do that.
Stephanie says
Hello Judy,
You can’ t change her, only the way you respond or act. You can start by not taking it personal and be consistent in where you draw the line. What is it in you that resonates with her? Your tendency to help others? What do you gain in the friendship with her? Why do you want to save her? (Assumption of me) You are 50% responsible for 100% of the friendship and if she ignores your feelings or statements, and does no invest her 50% in the friendship, don’t blame it on your shortcomings because you aren’t. Please leave it with her, and walk away. You can’t force her to understand your point of view.
I have 3 BFF’s that can be honest with me over me (and vice versa). It keeps me sane grounded and loving. We all learn from difficult things as well. To express your side of the story and your friend accepting that is growth, love and continuum of the friendship. It all has to do with respect for yourself ánd the other.
Good luck to you and your friend, blessings,
Stephanie
rishab says
nice post , thanks for sharing this.
Bridget says
This came at the right time. My husband is suffering anxiety and sometimes I lash out at him. Atleast I’ll use the responses to help calm him down. Thank you very much Marc and Angel for your ongoing motivational words. They are always relevant to what I go through
Judy says
I tried to comment & I was told I already sent that comment. No, I did not. I enjoyed the article very much but if it’s all about love I was very disappointed-my comment was about the hurt an old friend caused me & that I wanted to speak to her again. I have no idea why I was rejected here!!
Fran says
I totally agree with everything you’ve said – written so beautifully too. “Fear wanes in the presence of calm” really resonated with me.
Naveen Reddy says
We should first be kind to ourselves before showing kindness to others.
Yes, we lose our minds when we are angry. I feel sorry for your 10-year-old girl.
Forming a bad habit is very easy but the real pain comes when the urgency arises to break it.
I think that instead of breaking a bad habit, we should replace it with some good habits.
Like in your case, you could have replaced the habit of drinking soda with fruit juices.
We succumb to bad habits to punish ourselves when we couldn’t meet our expectations of handling situations.
And we know that these habits are bad both to our physical and mental health.
So, lowering our expectations from ourselves can also help.
Evans Agbenyegah says
Thank you very much for this great post. Now I know that fear, anxiety, anger, sadness or stress is the foundation of the much unreasonableness I give out and receive almost every day.
Joanne Reed says
Priceless Advice. Will make a note of it. Thank you!
Stephanie says
Once again: nailed it with this post.
And fortunately I can say that I really made progress in this part.
My daughters know I love them as they are. They also know that we all meant better when we collided. We all want the best for each other. But sometimes we don’t listen well enough or don’t understand the message. Instead of taking it personal, especially with the 17-yr old, we calm down, get back together and try to talk about what happened in helicopterview. That’s when our hearts come back together because we both want to be heard and seen. In the helicopterview way emotuons don’t strike that hard. It is easier to see what is really going on. Unfortunately, it wasn’t always like that. But we grew. And we had to find a way that worked for all of us. So stepping out of the situation to calm down, get back together and talk about it helped so much. Also: How can I help is very very powerful. Or: what can I do to …. etc. Thanks for posting! ???