Judge a person by their questions, rather than their answers. Because asking the right questions today is the answer.
It’s a harsh fact that every one of us is ignorant in some way. Although we tend to pretend otherwise, it’s impossible to know it all.
Ignorance is our biggest collective secret.
And it’s one of the scariest and most damaging realities of life, because those of us who are most ignorant — and thus most likely to spread ignorance — are often the ones who don’t know it.
Here’s a quick test:
If you have never changed your mind about one of your beliefs, if you have never questioned the fundamentals of your opinions, and if you have no inclination to do so, then you are likely ignorant about something you think you understand.
What’s the immediate solution?
Just move one step outside of your social bubble and find someone (online or offline) who, in your opinion, believes, behaves, or handles certain aspects of life differently from you. Then, have a simple, honest, peaceful conversation with them. I promise it will do both of you lots of good.
Once you’ve done that, here are some key truths to remind yourself of on a regular basis:
- Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”
- An expert is not a person who always has all the right answers — she’s the one who asks the right questions, consistently.
- Very few of us actively seek new knowledge in this world on a daily basis. We get comfortable with what we know and we stop questioning things. On the contrary, we try to squeeze from the unknown the answers we have already shaped in our own minds — judgments, justifications, validations, forms of consolation without which we might feel incomplete or off-center. To really ask something new is to open the door to being uncomfortable.
- Monsters do exist in the real world, but in most cases they are too few in number to be truly dangerous in the long run. More dangerous are the common people with good intentions who are instantly ready to believe and act without asking questions.
- If someone can get you asking the wrong questions, they don’t have to worry about how they answer you. (Be aware of emotional manipulation.)
- What goes around comes around. No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is. Everyone you meet is learning something, is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. Know this, and be careful not to dehumanize those you disagree with. In our self-righteousness we can too easily become the very things we dislike in others.
- At the end of the day, the questions you ask of yourself determine the type of person you will become.
- Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers — it happens when you are finally ready to face the questions you’ve been avoiding for far too long. (Note: Angel and I guide our students and Think Better, Live Better seminar attendees through this process of unearthing their inner courage.)
- Regardless of how much you know, or how many incredible questions you ask, you can never know it all. To believe that you do is proof of the contrary. The wilderness around us always holds answers to more questions than we have yet learned to ask. And that’s a beautiful thing.
- Although life will always be filled with unanswered questions, it’s the courage to seek the answers that counts — this journey is what gives life meaning. Ultimately, you can spend your life wallowing in frustration and misery, wondering why life has to be so complicated, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough and smart enough to question your circumstances and grow from them. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Now, it’s your turn…
To be present and have patience with everything that remains unexplained in your heart and mind.
To engage with people today, including those who think differently.
To ask questions.
To listen closely.
To not just grow in knowledge, but to also be a person who gives back.
To let your questions guide you, and then use what you’re learning to make a difference.
And if you’re feeling up to it, we would love to hear from YOU before you go…
Which point mentioned above resonates with you the most today, and why?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.
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Cynthia Reeves says
“More dangerous are the common people with good intentions who are instantly ready to believe and act without asking questions.”
Some of my greatest mistakes comes from rushing in to save the day.
Laura says
If we all asked “What else could this mean?” arguments and anxieties, even physical fights would be so much rarer. I love your idea to actively go and talk to someone who thinks and behaves differently to change your perspective – being ‘relieved’ of some of our most fiercely-held beliefs is so enlightening and liberating! Just imagine what else is possible, d-able, acceptable, even enjoyable…
Brilliant post, thank you.
Jeaneen Tucker says
LOVE this post! I am hopeful this will challenge our Faculty as we move forward discussing difficult conversations!
Sarah says
#3 and #5 really hits me at the core. growing up in a strict community and family belief system, I was taught never to question things in life. thus you really never grow much outside that area of thought that in commonly held by those closest to you. one is kinda taught that any line of thinking outside of it is wrong. and when you question it and leave it behind. everyone you leave behind, leaves you behind as well, because you strayed out of the circle. they mean well, but they act without questioning. you become the prodigal son or daughter. everyone hopes and prays that you return to your senses. and if you don’t you get shunned.
but I’m glad I’m seeing things differently now. thank you.
Barbara Matson says
I applaud you! My daughter and I had a conversation about this yesterday -she is living in a very tight community and while she respects that community, she knows she can not live within it without the ability to question what is presented to her daily. She may be able to strick a balance, but she knows she could be easily shut down or shunned. Knowing when loyalty is more harmful than questioning and growing…is tricky and I’m glad you found your way out. You are not alone and you, Sarah, are going to be just fine.
Barbara Matson says
” No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is. Everyone you meet is learning something, is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. Know this, and be careful not to dehumanize those you disagree with. In our self-righteousness we can too easily become the very things we dislike in others.”
This struck me because I’ve been a victim of it, but also because I’ve caught myself thinking lesser of someone and realized that I was doing the same disrespectful thing…if only in my mind-but I was still guilty of the same actions and I needed to change.
Christine says
Everyone you meet is learning something, is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. This I have tried to keep in mind with a man I truly care about but has so much going on, he cannot focus on a relationship. This phrase helps me to be patient but keep loving and be supportive. Having suffered a major loss in the last several years I do understand from some perspective, but everyone’s timeline is different and they have different ways of working things out. So I do need to be patient and ” To be present and have patience with everything that remains unexplained in your heart and mind”. Thank you for your posts that keep me grounded!
Wendy says
I’m not sure if what I have to say is relevant and if I am being materialistic?!
I put my house on the market recently as I saw the opportunity to purchase another house which I really liked. I have lived in my current house for 20 years, which has many good but also bad memories. It’s time for a change as I feel I need to move on. It came very close but I lost out on the house I put mine on the market for, but several people expressed an interest in mine and I sold it that same day to the couple with the lowest offer. Why? They were in the best position to buy my house and we’re willing to wait until we found a house. But now we no where to go and still nothing has come to light. A house I looked at a couple of years ago with my mother was back on the market but way out of my price range and I could only afford it if I purchased it with her or-came into some money! Neither of these are likely prospects despite me constantly buying lottery tickets and I have kept telling myself what will be, will be! I believed and still believe I’m meant to have that house and that little signs I keep getting are signs that somehow it will come my way!, for example, I found the vendor’s email address two years after he gave it to me, amongst my things, the house ticks all the boxes, bar the price, (quite a major factor)! But I also keep thinking I’m a bad person for wanting it? Shouldn’t I just be grateful for what I have, although we are sold now? It’s just a house, I don’t deserve it but they I try to justify why I should have it?! I can’t find anything else, I work hard, I deserve to get some good luck?!
What I’d like to know, am I just dreaming and am I wrong to want a house, so clearly far beyond my reach? Will something come along and, are all the signs I’ve had, ones I’ve been misreading in the hope my dream will become reality?? Please forgive me for sounding this way. It’s unknown territory and I’m anxious and worried. I’d like security for my children as I’m doing this on my own financially. It’s the uncertainty of not knowing if there’s something out there and I know I need to have faith but it’s hard.
Ava says
What are you currently doing differently in order to get this house of your dreams? As much as we’d like something to drift effortlessly into our laps, it rarely works this way. I, too, as have all of us, wanted things so badly but they were just not within my reach. I had to learn to let it go, and I know how hard that is. Then keep searching for another more affordable house with an open mind and not comparing it to the dream home. You’ll see other positives in other properties. Think about all the things you can do to make that home work for you and your family and start to love it. Maybe one day, as hopefully your financial situation gets better, the house you so admire will once again become available and you may be in a better position to own it. Best wishes and best of luck!
Wendy says
Ava, thank you so much. It’s really good to hear something from a different perspective. I appreciate your thoughts and value greatly what you have said. I know you’re absolutely right. Sometimes just hearing that from someone else helps- just what I needed! I’m actively looking for something which fits the budget and will try and let the other house go from my mind. Thank you again.
Barbara Regenspan says
I just want to point out a question not answered for me by further questions: What happens when a sizeable part of society has embraced fascism?
In the spiritual discourses, like those of Marc and Angel, which I so respect and can mostly use to guide my life, we don’t get specific about encountering perspectives different from our own. What if a perspective is murderous? Does it matter what else it might mean? I ask not in order to throw a fork in the works, but because I have had conversations with people who believe untruths, and have absorbed the untruths into their beings, creating a universe out of which they respond to the most well-intentioned questions which is completely separate from the one I inhabit.
Stephanie says
Point 6 at the end is spot on 100% truth.
Thans again people for your refreshing reminder.
Greetz,
Stephanie
C. Cervera says
No. 10, “you can be grateful that you are strong enough and smart enough to question your circumstances and grow from them.” Going through challenges in my life between my husband’s illness, the pandemic, isolation and trying to stay healthy mentally and physically for him. Tough circumstances but I am learning and growing and discovering that I am resilient.
Shoney says
I’ve been dealing with questions that I ask myself every day. For instance, “what could I have said?” Or “why is it that I can’t grasp onto what others are saying?” And it’s clearly because I don’t know how to think outside of my own mind. I haven’t found ways to cope with Certain things in my life and I assume that makes me ignorant because sometimes I’m not able to see from others’ POV. #10 really grabbed my attention and has become a very good point to me. If I don’t fix what’s wrong in my mind then, I’m disallowing myself to see the POV of others.
David Chew says
“Monsters do exist in the real world, but in most cases they are too few in number to be truly dangerous in the long run. More dangerous are the common people with good intentions who are instantly ready to believe and act without asking questions.”
The above really resonates with me, especially in these trying times, with people “rushing to logical conclusions” of their own making. Their good intentions usually mean it’s good for them and their worlds and everyone else is not thinking or doing right.
I am often guilty of this too as I view the world through the lens of past experiences and beliefs. And all these times, believing that I’m one of the good guys. Your article have shown and questioned if these should be the way moving forward. I will learn to listen even more closely and not close my mind to opposing views – “What else could this mean” – will be a mantra I will use from today.
Thank you.
CB says
Agree with this, especially 9 and 10. One thing to be cautious of though is if you keep asking questions simply looking for an answer that fits your version of truth. A current problem in our society is that we have become blinded to the fact that there really is a concept of true and false, even though we may not like it. Too much now with people trying to shape the narrative to match how they want things to be, rather than how they are.
Davide says
I agree with talking to others and listening to them carefully. I add without interrupting them, demonstrating that we do not always put ourselves in the foreground. I would say pay attention to accepting others as better than ours. We always think a lot before acting. We carefully evaluate the possible consequences. To do this we must certainly ask ourselves some questions. Above all, we show love for others. It seems trivial but it is not.
Infoguidefrek says
If we all asked God “What else could this mean?” arguments and anxieties, troubles too, even physical fights would be so much rarer. I so much love your idea on this actively go and talk to someone who thinks and behaves differently to change your perspective – being ‘relieved’ of some of our most fiercely-held beliefs is so enlightening and liberating! Just imagine what else is possible, d-able, acceptable, even enjoyable
Brilliant post, thank for sharing.
Debbie says
“An expert is not a person who always has all the right answers — she’s the one who asks the right questions, consistently”
Far too many people miss this golden point. And often because they started off on the wrong surmise that asking any questions should be seen as oafish. This is a point I would prefer to see elaboration on, it is a nuanced topic.
Evelyn Krieger says
This brought to mind, Rilke’s famous quotation: “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.”
As someone who tends to take things too personally, learning to ask: What else can this mean? is a vital strategy to avoid misunderstanding with loved ones.
Cameron Sewick says
Hi Marc,
It’s good to read an article that isn’t afraid to challenge its reader to challenge themselves. You seem to believe that questions lead to discovery, and doubt leads to growth.
As part of my questioning, I like to inquire as to why people evade doubt in the first place. It seems like certainty is often a mask for insecurity. If we don’t have the courage to reconsider our perspectives, we hide away in the security of our preconceptions. We use certainty to push away new information and shield ourselves from doubt.
Perhaps there should be a balance between growth and stability (or doubt and certainty). This balance should always lean towards growth; slightly, at first. As our growth pushes us to overcome our own vulnerability, we should embrace more and more doubt. This way, our well-being and knowledge grow exponentially.
The question is this: how much questioning should we do? You give a very perspicuous answer, Marc: more. Questioning, as you say, is the way forward. Thanks for your insight.
Best,
Cameron
Inam says
I would say that asking right question comes with a lot of effort. It teaches us how we respond to negetivity. The less we respond to negetivity the more productive we become.
Cindy L says
What an excellent post for everyone to read in these frighteningly divisive times. With so many Americans torn apart in the current political climate, these thoughts are balm for the soul. Sadly, I know of way too many friendships that have fallen apart due to politics and refusal to attempt to listen to the opposing viewpoint. I have never lived through anything like this — so ugly and sad — in my entire life, so I am especially grateful to thinkers like you who are trying to help us mend these deep wounds. I took a deep breath and read your piece again, then shared it with everyone I know.
Rick Wolslayer says
Amazing article!!!
It really opened my awareness to many of the ways I have been stuck in my old beliefs and thinking patterns.
I intend to apply this in my life more.
Thank you!