Oftentimes we don’t even realize we’re blocking our own present blessings by holding on so tightly.
Letting go is not giving up. Letting go is surrendering any needless attachments to particular outcomes and situations. Surrender means showing up in your life with the intention to be your best, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to be ideal. Have goals, have dreams, take purposeful action, and build solid relationships, but detach from what life must look like every step of the way.
The energy of someone aspiring to create something wonderful this year, teamed with a healthy balance of surrender, is far more effective than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate must-have mentality. Surrender brings inner calmness, awareness, and understanding. And lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being.
Thus, take a moment to remind yourself of some things many of us typically attach to long after it’s time to let go, so you can loosen your grip on them as you move forward…
1. The expectation of how things “should” be.
Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
2. The way things once were.
You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.
Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.
4. The need to control everything.
Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
5. Fantasies of a perfect path (or time to begin).
Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.
6. The desire for quick and easy results.
Everything gets a bit hard and uncomfortable when it’s time to change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, one step at a time. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.
7. Self-doubt.
Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it in the present. And in the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I try to remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. The same is true for YOU. We have what it takes! (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. Daily relationships that make us feel less like ourselves.
Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.
9. Old life chapters that are still lingering half open.
You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really you just loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page. Be brave. Embrace your goodbyes, because almost every “goodbye” you receive in life sets you up for the next “hello.”
10. The belief that we always need more than we have.
We don’t always need more — we need appreciation. Because we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your work, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day” is a great tool for this kind of perspective shift.)
How to practice letting go when life tests you…
Reflecting on the reminders above can be incredibly grounding, but what can you actively do to let go when the immediate tension inside you is spiraling?
Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Marc and I personally take (and often recommend to our coaching clients and event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from disappointing outcomes in our lives:
- Acknowledge the tension inside you. — If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
- Resist the urge to act in haste. — The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger — actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
- Sit with your feelings, and give them space. — Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective — give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
- Be OK with not knowing. — Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?
The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaos.
It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there though, you are in for a great surprise — it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of letting go, changing your mindset, and rising above the turmoil.
Now, it’s your turn!
Yes it’s your turn to breathe deep, to be present, and to remind yourself that every day is a series of a million tiny miracles. So just do your best to see them today. See how inner peace comes with letting go of what you assume your journey is supposed to be like, and sincerely accepting it for everything that it is…
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Carolyn J villemaire says
This is full of amazing powerful tidbits. I am going to teach them to my 8 yo grandson. And of course apply them in my own life. I had a very hard time with the change that empty nest brought to me and certainly didn’t handle it with any grace at all. Ten years later although I’m on a good trajectory now I still am building a new life. But I suppose everyday we all are, in our own way, building a new life. Thank you so much for the articles you put out. I always find them very helpful and up-lifting.
Sally says
The empty nest is a difficult time indeed. I thought I would embrace it but I found it very lonely and difficult to get used to. I also find the articles a great reminder to try and be thankful for all the small things in life. I worry too much – am trying to change this!
Mary says
Yes too. Empty nest
It not easy letting the birds fly way yonder
I use to feel sorry my mother she only waited us children to appear.
She never created anything else.
I live 150 and350 from both
Maria G says
Angel and Marc, this post is spot on for me. It truly resonates! In my personal life I’m getting better with accepting life and making the best of it. Through your teachings and the teachings of other experts I’ve learned how to better harness my presence. And being present has been the key to much of my recent breakthroughs. It’s seems overly simple when I say it, but practicing presence has been a true challenge, especially when life doesn’t turn out in my favor.
Before I attended one of your live events a couple years ago my thoughts and anxiety about life really got in my way of making effective decisions. I was reacting to everything, instead of responding mindfully. I appreciate the guidance you’ve given me and continue to share online via your emails and blog.
Linda says
Thank you. I’m patiently waiting for my therapy to begin end of May. I soaked in the “forgive myself” and
“step back and witness”. Truly helpful.
Tors says
I was searching for something to inspire me after a session with my life coach this morning, and then I saw your email with a link to this post.
It really hit home that I need to take time to listen to myself more and be less harsh on myself. I, like many put far too much pressure on myself to act out a life that is ‘Supposed to be’ a certain way, this is what is harboring me and constantly haunting me but I have to let this go.
Thank you so much, I really needed to see this today! x
Betsy J says
Life as unfolding…I picture myself with the choice of tightly holding on to the napkin wrapped silverware, keeping it tightly and securely wound as I cling to it gripped in my hands held close to me. Or of placing the same tightly wrapped napkin down on the table and gently and calmly unfolding each side of the napkin and finding the sparkling silverware, the useful tools to be used for eating a delicious meal. The choice is mine. To either fear letting go, to resist ongoing change that brings newness and awareness and opening up – or to cling to a past which is gone and no longer exist, to try to hold on to the impossible, causing myself pain. The choice is mine, I choose to let go, unfold and receive, be nourished, to live in the present. Life unfolds daily, to be lived as each moment unfolds.
Allison C Bayer says
Well now, just what I needed to hear! Thank you. Lots of changes lately, nothing huge in my contented life, but lots of little things. Which, after your timely reminders, don’t amount to a hill of beans and easily let go of. I read through once this morning, shared with two friends then read again. Third time just now I grabbed a notebook and wrote them out. The outro thoughts on how to let go . . . not knowing/best first steps/pure witness/chaotic tension/creating a gap and knowing I’m capable of letting go have me on a corrected path to move forward. Thank you for the peace of mind these acknowledgments brought to me today. Gems! Absolute gems, both of you!!
Pearl says
Dear Marc and Angel,
I have been a reader of your blog since I was single. Now I have a family of my own.
Whenever I am full of so much emotions I can’t contain, it is your blog I seek for some thoughts I need to “hear”. And it would always give me a fresh perspective I thought I’d never need.
Thank you for this continued support through the years. And today’s post is especially wonderful. There’s lots I need to let go of.
Melanie says
This truly resonated on every deep level.
Thank you!
The part about feelings of anger and finding answers within the gap
Being mindful of how u choose to respond to situations. Absolutely brilliant…many things I undoubtedly already knew..but needed reaffirmed today!
Thank u for the incredibly wise words…much gratitude
MMago says
This is uncanny and unbelievable! These words are so bang on, these are just the words and thoughts I need to hear at this moment. I am grappling with letting go of thoughts and frustrations about the future and desperately seeking comforting thoughts and ways to overcome my inner turmoil and feel some peace of mind and relax! Thank u from the bottom of my heart. I am sure it is some divine intervention that has brought these words of yours into my experience today!
Kate says
It feels refreshing to read a well thought out article that’s obviously written by caring human beings and not AI. It felt like I was talking directly to you for a moment.
Thank you for the wise words and inspiration today.
Sarah Barrett says
Sooooo many powerful points, shared in such an easy way to assimilate into today. Some of my favorites:
“Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes!”
“Your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing.”
Gonna see what books you have, as I want MORE OF THIS!
THANK YOU, YOU GUYS xx
Vans Day says
Old life chapters that are still lingering half open. This resonated like the bells of St Clement! I have many old life chapters that are still half-open and this year, I have embarked on the journey to close them and begin writing new books, not just chapters. I’ve been playing it safe for far too long it’s time to turn those pages and begin new stories. Thank you Marc and Angel, your essays are always so inspirational.
Terry says
“A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses.” Love this and wish I could get it tattooed on my mind! I’m writing it down on a posted note so I can see it every day. I’ve been through a rough patch for the past few years, starting with my father’s dementia diagnosis and death along with caring for my mother in law. I really enjoy your posts and feel your insights have gotten me through the dark times! Thank you so much
julie says
A wonderful article – so much in there!
Gail says
I’m not usually one to post, but this article was just what I needed. Particularly the point about it being easier to fill the space in your life where someone used to be, than the space inside yourself where you used to be. Powerful!
Thank you!
AB says
“Sit with your feelings, and give them space.” I can not express to you enough how I needed to read this. I am very much one to rush into the chaos and want to fix things. I am a “fixer”. Even as I type this my chest is tight thinking of the many things in my life I’m trying to understand at the moment. Maybe for now, I am nor meant to. I will practice sitting and giving myself space. Thank you.
maya says
so true
Kathryn Penske says
Going through a very unhealthy and extremely hard and intense divorce this was just what I needed to read!!!!
I definitely will apply this in my life.
Thank you.