(NOTE: This post is a direct excerpt from the Self-Love & Self-Worth section of our newest book, “1000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships“.)
Be OK with walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject what’s not right for you.
As you look back on your life, you will realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected by someone or from something you wanted, you were in fact being redirected to someone or something you needed.
Seeing this when you’re in the midst of feeling rejected, however, is quite tough. I know because I’ve been there.
As soon as someone critiques, criticizes, and pushes you away – as soon as you are rejected—you find yourself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I’m not worthy.” What you need to realize is, the other person or situation is not worthy of you and your particular journey.
Rejection is necessary medicine; it teaches you how to reject relationships and opportunities that aren’t going to work, so that you can find the right ones that will. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it just means someone else failed to notice what you have to offer. Which means you now have more time to improve yourself and explore your options.
Will you be bitter for a moment? Absolutely. Hurt? Of course—you’re human. There isn’t a soul on this planet that doesn’t feel a small fraction of their heart break at the realization of rejection. For a short time afterward, you will ask yourself every question you can think of:
- What did I do wrong?
- Why didn’t they care about me?
- How come?
But then you have to let your emotions fuel you in a positive way! This is the important part. Let your feelings of rejection drive you, feed you, and inspire one heck of a powerful opening to the next chapter of your story.
Honestly, if you constantly feel like someone is not treating you with respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you’ve subconsciously marked yourself down. Because it’s you who tells others what you’re worth by showing them what you’re willing to accept for your time and attention. So get off the clearance rack. And I mean right NOW! If you don’t value and respect yourself, wholeheartedly, no one else will either.
I know it’s hard to accept, but think about it…
All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we make thereafter. We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some intolerant person or shallow circumstance once told us was true.
It’s time to realize this and squash the subconscious idea that you don’t deserve any better. It’s time to remind yourself that…
- The person you liked, loved or respected in the past, who treated you like dirt again and again, has nothing intellectually or spiritually to offer you in the present moment, but headaches and heartache.
- One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change, like someone else’s behavior or decisions.
- Life and God both have greater plans for you that don’t involve crying at night or believing that you’re broken.
- The harsh truth is, sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller and emotionally stronger than you ever were before.
- It’s not the end of the world—it’s never the end of the world – and yet rejection can make the loss of someone or something you weren’t even that crazy about feel gut-wrenching and world-ending.
- Sometimes people don’t notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them. And sometimes the more chances you give, the more respect you lose. Enough is enough. Never let a person get comfortable with disrespecting you. You deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who makes you smile, someone who doesn’t take you for granted, someone who won’t leave you hanging.
- Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure. There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken.
- Take a deep breath. Inner peace begins the moment you decide not to let another person or event control your emotions.
- You really can’t take things other people say about you too personally. What they think and say is a reflection of them, not of you.
- Those with the strength to succeed in the long run are the ones who build themselves up with the bricks others have thrown at them.
- Let your scars remind you that the damage someone has inflicted on you has left you stronger, smarter, and more resilient.
- When you lose someone or something, don’t think of it as a loss, but as a gift that lightens your load so that you can better travel the path meant for you.
- You will never miss out on what is meant for you, even if it has to come to you in a roundabout way. Stay focused. Be positive.
- Rejections and naysayers aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things; so don’t let them conquer your mind. Step forward! Seriously, most of us do not understand how much potential we have – we limit our aspirations to the level someone else told us was possible.
- Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. Don’t be one of them. Ultimately, you are who you are when nobody’s watching. Know this! And dare to be yourself, however awkward, different or odd that self may prove to be to someone else.
- Comparing yourself with others, or other people’s perceptions, only undermines your worth, your education, and your own inner wisdom. No one can handle your present situation better than you.
- The more we fill our lives with genuine passion and purpose, the less time and energy we waste looking for approval from everyone else.
- You can use your struggles, frustrations, and rejections to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
- Sometimes transitions in life mean something even better is coming your way, so embrace them and don’t be afraid to let go.
- Right now is a new beginning. The possibilities ahead are endless. Be strong enough to let go, wise enough to move forward, diligent enough to work hard, and patient enough to wait for what you deserve.
Afterthoughts
All details aside, you don’t need anyone’s constant affection or approval in order to be good enough in this world. When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs. So you don’t have to internalize any of it! Your worth isn’t contingent on other people’s acceptance of you. You’re allowed to be yourself. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs. You’re allowed to hold on to the truth that who you are is more than enough. And you’re allowed to let go of anyone in your life who endlessly makes you feel otherwise.
Continue Reading 1,000 Little Habits
If you appreciated the excerpt above from “1,000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships“, I guarantee you will appreciate the rest of the book…
Sometimes we need to be reminded to actually practice the little habits that allow us to better understand and nurture the right bonds, or let go of the wrong ones. We need to be reminded to be selective in our battles, too. Oftentimes peace and love in our lives and relationships are both better than being right. We simply don’t need to attend every argument we’re invited to, especially when our sense of self-worth is on the line.
And that’s why Marc and I published “1,000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships”—to be that daily reminder for anyone who’s struggling to change their relationship situation for the better. It’s an inspiring touchstone filled with our best advice on overcoming relationship setbacks, letting go of anger and toxicity, fostering intimacy and trust, expressing our needs, showing gratitude, and more. Get yourself a copy of “1,000 Little Habits” now and read it with a partner, with a friend, or solo.
Your turn…
We’d love to hear from YOU. 🙂 In what ways have you struggled with rejection? How have you coped? Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: M. Klasan
Ann says
All three of your books just got ordered! Now, did you just take a peek into my life situation? Because this post is exactly what I am going through right now. I loved someone with so much depth and gave all of myself to him and even though he said he loved me too, his actions and words did not always match. Where there was divine love, now lies toxicity.
I pray it will return someday but in the meantime, I need to step back. Disallow myself to be treated this way. Give myself a lot of love (oh, how do I do this?)
J.J. says
Marc, I’ve mentioned this before, but your guidance on fearing rejection and dealing with it has been a real life-saver for me. A couple lines from your 1,000 things book that have become my mantra are:
“One of the greatest freedoms is truly not caring what everyone else thinks of you. As long as you are worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them. Only when you require no approval from outside yourself, can you own yourself.”
Admittedly, I still fear what others think of me from time to time, but I have memorized your words and I think about them every single time I catch my mind traveling in the wrong direction. This practice has been helping me keep these fears at bay. Thank you for that.
Ps. Just ordered the newish 1,000 Habits book! Somehow I missed the news when this one was released last year.
Liz says
This is REALLY helpful to me. I hope I remember to revisit this when I am feeling rejected. I say “feeling rejected” because that is what it is most of the time. Very rarely, and usually when applying for a job, am I outright rejected. It is usually my reaction to someone’s words, actions, facial expressions etc. I have even been told on numerous occasions that I reject others and that is certainly not my intention. It just goes to show that assumptions are damaging.
Thanks again! Oh, and I love listening to your books on Audible.
gwendolyn l hicks says
HI,
So many of your posts have helped me. I believe that this one came at the right time. I ended a relationship that I thought was going to be wonderful. I was abused as a child so i have always had self esteem and mental health issues. IN the beginning he treated me like gold but then he changed. He was busy etc. He said that it had nothing to do with how he felt about me. I knew that i could not let this continue. even though I know I made the right decision, it is painful. I told myself all of the things that you said. I truly believed that it was something I had done. I was always taught as a child that I was unlovable, so I just assumed that was true. This has made it extremely hard for me to move on. I just feel that everything will bring me pain. I feel that I should give up on trying to find love. You have given me some new things to consider. Maybe in time I will heal. Thank you for your good reads always.
Karen X says
Wow! For weeks, I blamed myself. I cried myself to sleep. I beat myself up. I told myself I wasn’t good enough, that I stupid and gullible. I just couldn’t make sense of it all.
I had met a wonderful man but I was so against it at first because we came from different backgrounds, we each had crazy work schedules and he was a lot younger. 13 years to be exact. He wooed, pursued and convinced me that he was serious and it became very intense pretty quickly. Divorced for 6 years after a 14 year marriage, I was ready and in love again. We began looking for apartments to move into together. Travel plans were made and paid for. One of us always made the effort to make time for the other. Then, from literally one day to the next, I never heard from him again. He ignored all my attempts trying to reach him. Weeks later, the excuse I got was- Work stress. And that was that. I didn’t even deserve an explanation. To him, I was worthless, unimportant and he chose to ignore me in the hope that I’d just disappear.
I have just read this article over and over again and I will do so until I finally believe and realise that I was too good for him. It was nothing I did. It wasn’t about me. It was ALL HIM!
I am a hardworking and I believe, an intelligent 47 year old and I never thought I could feel as low as I did. You have made me realise that I do deserve better and that I am capable of so much more. I have read many of your articles since this one and I thank you for giving women like me hope, support and encouragement.
Elton Fivaz says
Wow! What a complete mind shifting piece!
I’ve been struggling with this kind of rejection or friction in my life for some time, and this has just given me a completely new point of view for today.
Thank you so much for this!
TBT says
I think your point of people not treating you right is because of how you view yourself and how you project yourself to the world is crucial when it comes to dealing with rejection. Once you realise just how worthy and deserving you are, you set a standard of how you want to be treated and will not take anything less. I also wanted to offer an alternative view of rejection. Rejection can also be positive, it can teach you where you need to improve on, or it allows you to assess the situation and make your own decisions about how you feel about the rejection. The truth is rejection will happen throughout the whole of your life, the best thing to do is to learn how to deal with it and also to learn lessons from it.
William Moore says
Where has this wonderful advice been all these years? I am sure thousands, no millions of others feel the same way. This advice is spot on for me as over the years I ‘ve dealt with negative and toxic people questioning my abilities and worth leading to self doubts on my abilities and if i might say it succinctly ‘POOR SELF ESTEEM’.
I won’t go into the details but reading this article brought flashbacks of years of negative experiences I’ve had in the past that cost me more than all the money in the world could buy. This has caused me to be a loner for many years, just staying by myself after getting tired of trying to meet quality people despite putting myself out there and getting rejected and put down constantly .One of my New Years resolutions was to meet new quality men and hopefully a partner. Recently i began talking with a guy at church, I told him ” you’ve got an awesome personality”. his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. We spoke briefly and i got to thinking this guy’s dynamite so i got bold ( something I’m relatively new at) and asked to exchange phone numbers. I saw him the next Sunday at church. I asked how his week went: and would you be open to a drink or cup of coffee when this pandemic’s over.? He said definitely. Long story short: this guy is awesome, nice looking, smart, funny, goal oriented among many other things. have some things in common and we’re neighbors, live about a block from each other. Oh , one more thing, we’re both gay men
christine says
As always your words come with beautiful timing to my inbox. Thank you.
Suzanne says
Loved #7. I ended a relationship (or rather it was ended for me) a few months ago and I’m obsessed with figuring it all out, going back and apologizing when I’m not sure I even have anything to apologize for, making peace with someone who simply doesn’t care about me anymore. Let it stay broken! What great advice. Endings can’t always be wrapped up neatly with a little bow. Time to just let go. Take the lessons I’ve learned and be on my way. Thanks for this posting.
Lady A says
I will save this article and refer back to it often! I am about to take a trip to a place where relatives, friends, and an old love have hurt and rejected me. I have such anxiety about this that I have canceled and rebooked the trip 3 times and now haven’t seen them since before covid. But I’m not the avoidance type. The trip is mostly about memories and fun. It’s a college homecoming that happens to be in an area where most of my family resides, and I love my alma mater, but not them so much. I have positioned myself to not have to see these old friends, or the ex, while still getting the most out of the events. As for the relatives, I need them to see how I have been able to renew and fly despite their mistreatment. What will help the most is that I’m not responsible for how any of them are going to “show up”, only for my honesty and authentic self, which I have discovered to be quite powerful and empowering. I need to reclaim the place that I love and make it mine again. I hope his helps someone.
kd says
These words are a balm for my soul. At 48, I am (in two months) marrying for the second time. I have spent my adult life trying to understand the conditional “love” my parents had for me, and all the game playing and favouritism in our family of 3 children. My sister (the middle) has cut off all ties from everyone years ago. My brother (oldest-golden boy) makes nice and keeps the peace, but ultimately never makes an effort in our relationship. I spent a good portion of my life feeling unworthy, and have jumped through so many hoops to get them to see me; to love me, too. I have done much work on understanding how this is about THEM–not a reflection of my worth. A couple years have passed. Some therapy, a stint at the Hoffman Process (pretty helpful), making small changes, and lots of reading. I have, after all these years, found inner peace and self-love. After all that, it seems they are even more bent on making me a pariah–not responding to the wedding invitations, not talking to me in over a year (I have called numerous times and gotten silence)…the list is long. Yesterday, after sending a friendly request for RSVP to mother and brother, I received “No”s from both. No good wishes. Nothing. Just no. This is nothing new, I’m sad to say.. It’s been a hard, but ultimately strengthening journey. All the moments of celebration in my life (winning awards, scholarships, uni graduation at top of my class, my first wedding, the birth of three children, career honours, etc) were devoid of their faces in the crowd. They were ‘busy’. …….At that moment of reading the NO on the screen, I felt that a switch had turned off inside me. I went to bed very sad, but ultimately at peace with knowing I had always chosen the path of love, and that I am not to blame. This understanding was a huge deal for me. In the end, I saw that these people are not ABLE to reciprocate love; they have none for themselves. Perhaps they were never shown it. Not sure if that applies to my bro (who I suspect borders on being narcissistic), but nonetheless, I am treated the same by him. THIS morning, I awoke with a new attitude, which included surrounding myself only with those who love me, celebrating life through helping others, and gratitude. It includes reading something positive and helpful every day. So, here I am, on your site. Older, wiser and more understanding of others, ready to start a new life with a man who sees all of me and adores it all. And so DO I! Marc and ANgel, so many of these points helped me today. Hands together, head bowed..thank you.
Nancy says
It took me a long time to realize that the shame I carried with me all my life (I am 57) was due to my parents rejection. Recognizing that simple fact has been life altering for me. New rejections can trigger those old feelings and I have to remind myself that it was their problem – not mine. Excellent article on rejection- thank you.
Juddles says
I cried for 2 weeks straight after the ending of a relationship that was on/off for 2 yrs. Once again his actions didnt match his words….he promised me the world and gave me heartache and lies & cheated. To which i found out after the fact we seperated. I find it hard day to day to understand how a person can treat someone like that? I think about the destruction that he caused and while im still picking up the peices of my broken home with my children, hes just soundley getting on with his life and new woman. I understand its not my fault and it speaks a thousand words of what kind of person he is to his core. But it still hurts. Somedays im angry somedays im hurt and somedays i find myself not thinking about him as much. I guess after a while you learn to deal with it, get over it and move on…..but it sure is so hard to do when you thought everything was real. I cant wait for the day i wake up and feel joy and happiness in my life again and never think about him. This makes me understand things that i didnt understand….after the hurt goes and i heal, i know there will be a lesson in all of this and hindsight will be a wonderful thing.
Amanda says
This was a great read! I have been in a toxic relationship for the past few years, we were once married and tried working things out after our divorce. Needless to say, each chance I gave him, I felt as if I had no more value to him. Everyone around tells me I deserve so much more, I of course know I do too. This article was right on the ball. Every emotion I’ve ever felt during the relationship was mentioned.
Thank you so much. It gives me comfort and the resilience that I needed.
Dana says
This hits too close to home! After 20 years of being treated like I don’t matter. I found out he was cheating on me. I told him I wanted a divorce. He changed completely for the better. He’s been everything I ever wanted in a husband for the past month. The problem is, I had 20 years of rejection and abandonment to fall out of love with him. Now, I want out of the marriage and I feel guilty because he’s finally doing everything right. He’s trying to convince me that he’s a changed man and not to leave him. I don’t believe this new attitude is permanent.
Danielle says
Marc and Angel –
Your blog came into my life when I had hit the lowest bottom I’ve known. It’s been with me through my steady journey up from the bottom, and it amazes me daily how insanely dead-on your posts are for me. It makes me feel so less alone in this world. So thank you, truly.
I read this post today – and it could not have been better timing. My husband left me and our four young kids after nine years together – he is running away from his internal struggles (anxiety, insecurities, etc.) and trying to use me as a scapegoat which, in the short term, is easier for him than dealing with things head on. He moved out suddenly one day and 11 days later served me with divorce papers. Out of nowhere. I have asked myself all those questions above – what have I done wrong, why doesn’t he love me, why is this happening, but really, this is not about me. This is about him.
I have really been struggling with my anger towards him though. That’s my biggest hurdle. I’ve had to just take a few steps back and remind myself of a few things: 1. this is NOT about me, I am a great person in a bad situation. 2. He actually did me a favor and ended a relationship that was draining more from me than I was getting in return. 3. Better now than another 9 years later.
I have also taken this as an opportunity to really get to know who is there for me – who is really my true support system. It’s amazing how many people drop off this list when the crap really hits the fan.
Anyway, thank you again for your wisdom. It keeps me sane. 🙂
Tolu Seyi-Daniel says
Sometime in 2017, I started reading this blog and getting the newsletters and I want to say thank you for sharing content that uplifts and encourages people on their worst days. No email goes unread, every single one is a mood booster for me. Thank you, Marc and Angel