“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
—Mae West
This morning a close neighborhood friend, Alison, passed away far too early. While Angel and I have spent most of the day grieving, I’ve also spent this past hour thinking about the fact that our lives are often much shorter than we expect, and that we need to do some pretty darn hard things to maximize our very limited time. Alison strongly believed in doing the hard yet necessary things in life—we talked about this topic on several occasions, and she never backed down from a challenge. So today, I want to reflect on this with you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you absolutely need to do hard things to be happy in the long run. Because the hard things ultimately build you up and change your life. They make the difference between existing and living, between knowing the path and walking it, between a lifetime of empty promises and one filled with more possibility and progress.
You know this is true, so…
1. Don’t be afraid to accept and appreciate life’s changes.
You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You’re always growing. Experiences don’t stop. That’s life.
Sometimes there are things in our lives that aren’t meant to stay. Sometimes the changes we don’t want are the changes we need to grow. Let this sink in. Growth and change may be painful sometimes, but nothing in life is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong.
The bottom line is that you can’t reach for anything new if you’re holding on to yesterday. You may think holding on makes you strong, but oftentimes it’s letting go and starting anew that truly builds your inner strength.
2. Don’t be afraid to trust yourself.
You may not be where you want to be yet, but you’ve also come a long way from where you once were. Appreciate how far you’ve come. You’ve been through a lot, but you’ve grown a lot too. Give yourself credit for your strength and resilience. You have good reason to believe that you can trust yourself going forward, not because you’ve always made the right choices, but because you’ve survived and grown from the bad ones.
Good things take time, and you’re getting there. So don’t allow yourself to be crippled by stress and self-loathing. Everything is only as it is. There’s no reason to let it cripple you. Remind yourself to breathe—to let every moment be what it’s going to be. What’s meant to be will come your way, and what’s not will fall away. And remember that life’s best gifts may not always be wrapped the way you expect. (Read The Last Lecture.)
3. Don’t be afraid to live your truth.
Tell yourself, “I am ENOUGH” anytime you begin to feel otherwise. Accept your flaws. Admit your mistakes. Don’t hide and don’t lie.
Deal with the truth—your truth—every step of the way. Learn the lessons, endure the consequences of reality, and move forward. Your truth won’t penalize you. Your mistakes won’t hurt you. Only your denial and cover-up will. Flawed and vulnerable people are powerful and strong. Liars and phonies are not. Every beautiful human being is made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions and finished with trials and errors.
So keep reminding yourself that you are YOU for a reason, and that the journey is worth it. Ignore the distractions. Listen to your own inner voice. Mind your own business. Keep your best wishes and your biggest desires close to your heart, and dedicate time to them every day. Don’t be scared to walk alone sometimes, and don’t be scared to enjoy it. And don’t let anyone’s ignorance, drama or negativity derail you.
4. Don’t be afraid to craft a daily routine that’s right for YOU.
If your life is going to mean anything, you have to live it yourself. You have to choose the path that feels right to YOU, not the one that simply looks right to everyone else. It’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb, than the top of the one you don’t. So don’t wait until you’re halfway up the wrong ladder to listen to your intuition. Every morning, ask yourself what is truly important, and then find the courage, wisdom and willpower to build your day around your answer.
In the end, it’s not what you say, but how you spend your time that counts. If you want to do something, you’ll find a way… if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Rituals chapter of our New York Times bestseller, Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs.)
5. Don’t be afraid to say “no” to unnecessary obligations.
In a world with so much noise and clutter, you must make room for what matters. That means pruning nonessential commitments and eliminating as many distractions as you possibly can. No wasted time, no fluff, no regrets.
The mark of a successful and peaceful person is the ability to set aside the “somewhat important” things in order to accomplish the vital ones first. When you’re crystal clear about your priorities, you can painlessly arrange them in the right order and discard the activities and commitments that do not support the ones at the top of your list.
6. Don’t be afraid to give yourself enough mental and emotional space.
If you think and you think and you think, you will think yourself right out of happiness a thousand times over, and never once into it. Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace and potential. Stop over-thinking everything. Life is just too short.
Your biggest limitations are the ones you make up in your mind. The biggest causes of your unhappiness are the false beliefs you refuse to let go of. You are capable of far more than you are often thinking, imagining, doing or being. But in time you will gradually become what you habitually contemplate, so clear your mind and let your hopes, not your fears, shape your future. How? Meditate. Run. Breathe. Write in your journal. Find the space… to set your mind free.
7. Don’t be afraid to make more time for the right relationships.
Not everyone will appreciate what you do for them. You have to figure out who’s worth your attention and who’s just taking advantage of you. If your time and energy is misspent on the wrong relationships, or on too many activities that force you to neglect your good relationships, you can end up in a tedious cycle of fleeting friendships, superficial romances that are as thrilling as they are meaningless, and a general sense of wondering why you always seem to be chasing affection.
Choose yourself rather than settle for those who treat you as ordinary. YOU certainly aren’t. Never settle for being someone’s option when you have the potential to be someone’s priority. You are the sum of the people you spend the most time with. If you hang with the wrong people too often, they will bring you down. But if you hang with the right people, they will help you grow into your best self. These people will love all the things about you that others are intimidated by.
8. Don’t be afraid to learn something new.
As Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” Life is a book and those who do not educate themselves read only a few pages.
When you know better, you live better. Period.
And remember that all education is self-education. It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting in a college classroom or a coffee shop. We don’t learn anything we don’t want to learn. Those of us who take the time and initiative to pursue knowledge on their own time are the only ones who earn a real education in this world. Take a look at any widely acclaimed scholar, entrepreneur or historical figure you can think of. Formal education or not, you’ll find that he or she is a product of continuous self-education.
9. Don’t be afraid to live out some of your dreams.
There are thousands of people who live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing they can customize everything. Don’t settle for the default settings in life. Don’t hide behind laziness. Find your loves, talents and passions, and embrace them fully.
Seriously, too many people dream only at night in the quiet of their own minds, and then awake to find it was all an illusion. Don’t be one of them. Dream by day, too. Be one of the people who dream with their eyes wide open, and who works to make some of them come true.
And forget popularity too. Just do your thing with passion, humility, and honesty. Do what you do, not for an applause, but because it’s what’s right. Pursue it a little bit each day, no matter what anyone else thinks. That’s how dreams are achieved. (Read Tuesdays with Morrie.)
10. Don’t be afraid of other people’s empty judgments.
The greatest and most gratifying experiences in life cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart from the inside out. There’s nothing more inspiring than the complexity and beauty of human, heartfelt feelings. Sadly though, many people let the fear of judgment numb and silence them. Their deepest thoughts and feelings often go unspoken, and thus barely understood.
Do NOT let people invalidate or minimize how you feel. If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever. No one else occupies your body, or sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your exact experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel. Your feelings are important. Never let anyone or any circumstance lead you to believe otherwise.
Remind yourself that there is a great freedom in leaving others to their opinions, and there is a huge weight lifted when you take nothing personally.
Now, it’s your turn…
With Alison in mind, I sincerely hope this short post has inspired you to LIVE your life TODAY…
Don’t ignore death (or any form of pain), but don’t be afraid of it either. Be afraid of a life you never lived because you were too afraid to take action on what matters most. Truth be told, death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside you while you’re still alive and breathing.
Alison absolutely lived her life far beyond her years. Challenge yourself to do the same.
Be bold. Be courageous. Be scared to death, and then take the next step anyway.
Do the hard things you know you need to for yourself!
Every. Single. Day.
(Note: Angel and I take a much deeper dive into the process of doing the hard but necessary things in life in the Getting Back to Happy Course & Coaching.)
. . .
And before you go, I’d love to hear from YOU in the comments section below.
Which point above do you resonate the most with? What’s one hard thing YOU need to start doing for yourself?
Please share your thoughts.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Susan Manes says
Your point on embracing change shouts loud to me right now. I am sincerely looking forward to the rest of this year….for positive change. I’m looking to change careers soon and follow a life-long passion of mine (kinda like early retirement because I’m 59-years-old). And all 10 of these things will be a part of that transition. Currently I’m downsizing and trying to create a more manageable life for myself. There has to be more to life than just existing to pay bills, right? 😉
Thank you for this entry, and thank you for your book and the course related coaching I did with you last month too You are both helping me give myself the gift of growth and positive change.
PS: I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve been there recently myself.
CHARLES MCHUGH says
“There has to be more to life than just existing to pay bills, right? ?”
That was part of a comment from Susan Manes wrote in your comments section. It summed up how I feel. I’m sorry to hear about your friend Alison. My thoughts and prayers are with you and her family. Today I am starting to read your Getting Back to Happy book for a second time because I feel myself falling back into bad patterns that I had started to change. I intend to do the 30 day method you talk about one step at a time.
Thanks
JJ says
Great post! I’ve been struggling with actually living in the present because I’m so focused on the future, so the points on letting go really resonate. Reading this post has really inspired me to continue striving to improve and live one day at a time. Looking forward to your event in San Diego in a couple weeks!
And, of course, my condolences to you and Angel for the loss of your friend.
Nancy Ann Gomez says
Your emails always arrive in my gmail inbox on time! Thank you for sending the link to this post. Simply beautiful!!
This hit home like a grand slam. I feel, literally like you were speaking to me for everything touched upon is where I am. This is so true: ‘What’s meant to be will come your way, what’s not will fall away. And remember that a great gift may not always be wrapped as you expect.’
My eyeballs pretty much fell out of my head and went back in lol
Thank you again and my sincere condolences..
Melissa Loftis says
Sorry for your loss of Allison, your neighbor. This post has so much truth in it! I needed to read it as a reminder to myself. Lately, I’ve been thinking and thinking…a little bit too much. I will refocus my energy to take care of me. I’ve made great progress in the past 5 years but of course I want to continue to live life to its fullest. Marc and Angel, thank you for being a blessing in my life.
Georgina says
Great post!
I love the part that says do not settle to be someone’s option when actually you have all the potential to be someone’s priority
hmmm God bless and condolences.
Mary Lamptey says
Thank you for this post.
What hit me most was your point on not being afraid to make more time for the right relationships.
Just two days ago, I realized I didn’t mean anything to two of my friends I cherish, so I have decided to make them unimportant in my life, and I must say I feel great.
I don’t have to waste my time and energy on them anymore, it’s like a weight has been lifted off.
Liz B. says
Mary L. your comment really hit home for me. I also have 2 friends who I cherished, but they do not cherish me! Now I realize I must make them unimportant in my life and focus my time and energy on others. Thank you for stating this so well.
Cindy Peteroy says
I read your email every morning, and it truly helps me to feel better about myself, and what I am currently dealing with in my life. Your advice is wonderful, and it gives me strength to go on, even though sometimes I barely have the energy to get up in the morning. Thank you for your emails, I appreciate them, and I use the information you give to better my life situation.
Maria says
Learning ….each morn I am blessed with another day in front of me, not to procrastinate! I will read this article, later….
NOW, is the time for my almost 55 year old self to ponder what are my dreams….
What do I feel from the heart, and what do I bury so as no to feel…
Thankyou, through your loss, your gift of words have challenged my dying soul to seize the moment…to read, to laugh to discover Gods great plan…
Thankyou Angel & Marc
Dawnielle says
As a recent college B.S. graduate, at age 48, I really liked the quote, “You may not be where you want to be yet, but you’ve also come a long way from where you once were. Appreciate how far you’ve come. ” I really needed this morning read, as I contemplate my next steps in life. I take it to heart that you can only grow when you let the things that held you back go. This rings so true to me, I will concentrate my efforts on the luving in the present moment and stop worrying about what is not important.
joanna says
I have subscribed to your blog for years now and have read many that have resonated with me, are so helpful in general and are so smart and come from a place of truth.
But none so much as this one. Every one of the 10 points that you made were like they were written for me personally. I also read the comments from other people and they also resonated with me; some of them expressed what is in my heart now probably better than I will be able to.
I feel so stuck in my life and personal situation, knowing the changes I have to make but just not being able to. Sometimes your emails come at the right time for me, give me inspiration to change, but then I just fall back into my old habits. Hopefully this time will be different.
I am literally writing this with tears in my eyes. I am so moved by what you wrote today that this is the first time I am actually posting a comment. I lost one of the closest friends I have ever had when she was only 25, so I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you both again for the work you do; you are both so inspirational and real.
Lisa McConnell says
All of your points resonate with me, but the one that made me feel sqirm the most was not fearing your dreams.
I have learned all the others . . . many times over because it’s easy to forget the lessons learned in the midst of upheaval.
The one I have reached for the least are my dreams. It immediately makes me squirm with fear. And I know that the more it makes me squirm, the more I need to focus on it.
One of your faithful readers says
I am sorry for the loss of your friend, Alison.
Your advice is such a great reminder for all of us. I recently made some significant – albeit painful – changes in my life. Realizing that I was more than halfway through my life, I didn’t want to live the remainder of it feeling bad about myself, continuing to deal with toxic people and disregarding my own self-care. Although it is a journey of peaks and valleys, so far, it’s been worth it.
Thanks for the inspiring words to keep me going.
Stuart says
I’m just gonna say… I bought your books.
I have never bought anyone else’s books that I follow online.
That’s quite an endorsement you know!
Thank you. 🙂
Jayne says
I so needed to read this today and put all these ideas into practice. Life is not a rehearsal it is for living and being content with how you feel. Thank you so much.