In the end, more than anything else, we regret the little things we wish we’d done differently.
“If only…” Those two words paired together create one of the saddest phrases in the English language.
Here are ten life choices that ultimately lead to that phrase of regret, and how to elude them on the average day:
1. Wearing a mask to impress others.
If the face you always show the world is a mask, someday there will be nothing beneath it. Because when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone else’s perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are. So don’t fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and what’s true to you. You don’t have to be perfect to impress and inspire people. Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.
2. Keeping negative company (without boundaries).
Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you. Don’t let them get to you. Take a step back. Distancing yourself from those who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your feelings and boundaries. When you remember that keeping the constant company of negative people is a choice, instead of an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of anxiety.
3. Being selfish and egotistical.
A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone. Those who you inspired and shared your love with will remember how you made them feel long after your time has expired. So carve your name on hearts, not stone. What you have done for yourself alone dies with you; what you have done for others and the world remains.
4. Avoiding change and growth.
If you want to know your past look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future look into your present actions. You must let go of the old to make way for the new; the old way is gone, never to come back. If you acknowledge this right now and take steps to address it, you will position yourself for real and lasting progress. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal” is a great tool for this kind of daily self-reflection.)
5. Letting others create your dreams for you.
The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find. A big part of this is your decision to stay true to your own goals and dreams on a daily basis. Do you have people who disagree with you? Good. It means you’re standing your ground and walking your own path. Sometimes you’ll do things considered crazy by others, but when you catch yourself excitedly losing track of time, that’s when you’ll know you’re doing things right.
6. Giving up when the going gets tough.
There are no failures, just results. Even if things don’t unfold the way you had expected, don’t be disheartened or give up. Learn what you can and move on. The one who continues to advance one step at a time will win in the end. Because the battle is always won far away and long before the final victory. It’s a process that occurs with small steps, decisions, and actions that gradually build upon each other and eventually lead to that glorious moment of triumph.
7. Trying to micromanage every little thing.
Life should be touched, not strangled. Sometimes you’ve got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement. Learn to let go a little before you squeeze too tight. Take a deep breath. When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward. You don’t have to know exactly where you’re going to be headed somewhere great. Everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not. It just takes some time to connect all the dots.
8. Settling for less than you deserve.
Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve. Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before. Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again. Don’t settle.
9. Endlessly waiting until tomorrow.
The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do. But one day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to work on the things you’ve always wanted to do. And at that point you either will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you haven’t. (Read “The Last Lecture”.)
10. Being lazy and wishy-washy.
The world doesn’t owe you anything, you owe the world something. So stop daydreaming and start DOING. As they say, develop a backbone not a wishbone. Take full responsibility for your life — take control of your next step. You are important and you are needed. It’s too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday. Someday is now; the somebody the world needs is YOU.
How to Gradually Let Go of Old Regrets
The points above are crucial reminders, but what if you already have regrets you’re struggling with?
No doubt, feelings of regret sometimes sneak up on us. Oftentimes we regret things simply because we worry that we should have made different decisions in the past. We should have done a better job, but didn’t. We should have given a relationship another chance, but didn’t. We should have started that business, but didn’t…
We compare the real outcomes of our past decisions to an ideal fantasy of how things “should” be. The problem of course is that we can’t change those decisions, because we can’t change the past. Yet we resist this reality subconsciously — we keep overanalyzing and comparing the unchangeable reality to our ideal fantasy until we’ve wasted lots of time and energy.
But why?
If we logically know better, why can’t we just let all our ideals and fantasies GO?
Because we identify personally with these ideals and fantasies. We all have this vision in our minds of who we are — our well-meaning intentions, our intelligence, our social impact, etc. And we make the best decisions we can of course, because again, we generally mean well. Even if you struggle with deep-seeded self-esteem issues, you probably still identify with yourself as being a decent and respectful human being.
And so when someone says something about us that contradicts the vision of ourselves that we identify with — they insult our intentions, our intelligence, our status, etc. — we take offense. We feel personally attacked, and we have a hard time letting it go.
Something very similar happens when we believe we did something — made a mistake — that contradicts the same vision of ourselves that we identify with. We take offense! In some cases we implode on ourselves — we berate ourselves for making the mistake: “How could I have done this?” we think. “Why couldn’t I have been smarter and made a better decision?” And again, we have a hard time letting it go — we have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that we aren’t always as good as the vision we have of ourselves.
So in a nutshell, our ideals and fantasies about ourselves tend to cause us lots of misery.
The key is to gradually practice letting go of these ideals and fantasies, and focus instead on making the best of reality. The truth must be embraced…
- Every bad decision we made in the past is done — none of them can be changed. And in fact there’s some good in every one of those bad decisions too, if we choose to see it. Just being able to make a decision at all is a gift, as is being able to wake up in the morning, and being able to learn and grow from our wide-ranging life experiences.
- We are not actually what we envision ourselves to be, at least not always. We are human and therefore we are multi-layered and imperfect. We do good things, we make mistakes, we give back, we are selfish, we are honest, and we tell white lies sometimes. Even when we are doing our absolute best, we are prone to slip. And once we embrace this and get comfortable with our humanness, making a bad decision tends to conflict a lot less with our new, more flexible (and accurate) vision of ourselves.
Of course, all of this is easier said than done, but whenever you find yourself obsessing over and regretting a past decision, you can 1) acknowledge that you’re falling into this pattern, 2) realize that there’s some ideal or fantasy you’re comparing your decisions and yourself to, and 3) practice letting go of this ideal or fantasy and embrace a wider range of reality in the present moment.
Now, it’s your turn…
One day you will find yourself closer to the end, thinking about the beginning.
TODAY is that beginning!
TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life.
I challenge you to put the principles of this article to good use.
Motivate yourself to START NOW by answering a simple question:
What’s one thing YOU CAN choose to do today that you will NOT regret?
Please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive two new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Charlie Bezo says
Valuable advice. I will add my own 2 cents: it’s never too late to do something. You can plant one tree before you pass away or give that last encouraging smile. Just keep on doing something great no matter how small each and every day.
And once more, I really appreciate what you are sharing here on this blog and in your emails, M&A.
Rometta Ison says
I loved the statement:”Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by you tears…” so much so that I wrote it at the top of my journal entry. Thx. I needed that awareness. Many tears have been cried, but I am seeing more clearly.
Gladys Cardwell says
Very good advice about not waiting for tomorrow. I am trying to find purpose in my life since my husband died . I just turned 86 years old . It’s been 3 years since he died and I still feel lost on most days.
Denise says
You are strong and brave. You have survived this heartbreak for a reason. You are seeking your way to continue to live a meaningful life. Reach out to others to share your story and help someone with theirs. Share yourself! Think.. would your husband want you to be sad? To be isolated? NO! Share your love for him with others. Love, joy, and happiness are doubled when shared! Find activities that bring you the joy of sharing. Volunteer at your favorite place. You will make new friends. You might meet me ??
Judy says
I feel the same. My husband passed a little over a year. We had just moved to a new state. It is hard to get involved when you are just one not a couple. Any suggestions. I am 80 years old but just don’t feel it. Very lonesome being alone after 60 years with someone.
Gina C says
Spot on! I just turned 70 last week, which I still can’t believe, and I can tell you from experience, the cruelest words in the world are indeed “if only” or “I should have sooner…” You’ve got to live and take the little chances that feel right. Time is short. Great reminders here that are still very useful to me.
Matty says
Thank you Marc and Angel. The article has moved me to appreciate life a little more today. Although the past few months haven’t been easy, there are indeed many blessings to see and cherish.
Jo says
Wonderful! This post actually got me out of bed. I planned to go out today to take some photos for enjoyment, but woke up feeling so tired and thought ‘what’s the point of doing anything today?’ Well, life is short, isn’t it, so I might as well live it. Thanks!
Tarik says
Dear Angel and Marc,
Thank you for this great post! Actually it reminds me of Mark Twain’s powerful quote: “20 years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do, rather by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Your blog, emails and books are all a blessing to me and so many others.
Lynda Johnston says
I encourage everyone to take this wonderful article to heart. Recently I found out my life would be cut short. At 75 I have a lot to reflect on. Fortunately I have had a mostly full life and have no complaints or regrets. While life has not been perfect and the outcomes not always as planned I did give every day a full shot and held myself accountable. I encourage everyone to give every day their best effort and move forward to be a blessing to all. Life is what you make it and worth your best effort – every day in every way.
Carmen Mota says
Spot on all the principles described above.
I have no regrets at 68. Learned from the past and made me stronger and resilient.
Living happily walking in faith & surrounded by my beautiful family, friends and sisters/brothers in Christ.
Billie Rowe says
Thank you for your AMAZING article! It sure hit the spot. Even reading the comments are sure inspiring. I look forward to your articles as they are always relatable. God is great and so are you both, you two sure are a blessing! So thankful I found your messages.
Cindy says
Exactly what I needed to read today! Thank you. I am going to start a new job search today! No more trying to make a job that doesn’t suit me, fit. Time to move on!
john M Hardy says
Great article as always. The only thing i would add to #7 above), is OK to help with your workday- It can help to increase your productivity, I agree with you everything else about this point.
Lou says
I HAVE WORN A MASK FOR MANY YEARS AND GOT TIRED AND WORN OUT. I TOOK IT OFF NOT TOO LONG AGO AND DECIDED TO LIVE LIFE AND NOT BE CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK AND SAY AOUT ME. LIVING MY TRUTH FEEELS GOOD.