The goal is to change your response to what you can’t control. To grow stronger on the inside so less on the outside can affect your inner wellness without your conscious permission.
There’s an old saying, “Struggle can be used as a source of strength.” My grandmother always repeated that line to me when I was growing up. Every time I dealt with some kind of unexpected challenge, she would graciously remind me that it was helping me grow, so long as I was willing to open my mind to it. Over the years I have learned just how right she was, and how relevant her wisdom is for all of us.
The mind is the biggest battleground. It’s the place where the strongest (subconscious) conflict resides — the place where we develop habits that put us in direct opposition with reality. It’s where half the things we feared would happen, never actually happened. It’s where our expectations get the best of us and we fall victim to our own trains of thought, again and again.
Truth be told, in the game of life we all receive a unique set of unexpected limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you think about and respond to the hands you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof, or empower yourself to play the game sensibly and resourcefully, making the very best of each outcome as it arises, even when it’s hard to accept.
The bottom line is that when you can’t control what’s happening in the world around you, you must challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening — to straighten out those habitual, spiraling patterns of thinking. That’s much easier said than done though, for all of us, because it’s hard to change the habits we engage in mostly at a subconscious level. But we can get better by bringing more awareness to what we’re doing…
So today, let’s take a look at three super-common subconscious habits Angel and I have seen draining hundreds of our course students and conference attendees over the past 15 years — some default patterns of thinking far too many of us engage in on a regular basis, draining us of our mental strength and well-being:
1. The habit of immediate resistance.
You might be surprised by how often you subconsciously resist life.
If you evaluate your body and posture right now, I bet you can find some kind of tension. For me it’s often in my neck, but sometimes it’s in my back and shoulders.
Where does this tension we feel come from? We’re resisting something — perhaps we’re annoyed by someone, frustrated at life, overwhelmed by all our obligations, or just bored. And our mental resistance creates a tension in our bodies and weakness in our lives. Therefore, Angel and I often recommend this simple strategy to our course students who are struggling to relieve themselves of their resistance and tension:
- Locate the tension in your body right now.
- Notice what you’re resisting and tensing up against — it might be a situation or person you’re dealing with or avoiding.
- Relax the tense area of your body — deep breath and a quick stretch often helps.
- Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.
Repeat this practice as often as needed today. Face the day with less tension and more presence. Change your mode of being from one of struggle and resistance to one of flow and acceptance.
2. The habit of expecting things to be a certain way.
Imagine you had a ripe, juicy tangerine sitting on the table in front of you. You pick it up eagerly, take a bite, and begin to taste it.
You already know how a ripe, juicy tangerine should taste, and so when this one is a bit tarter than expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment, and swallow it, feeling cheated out of the experience you expected.
Or perhaps the tangerine tastes completely normal — nothing special at all. So, you swallow it without even pausing to appreciate its flavor as you move on to the next unworthy bite, and the next.
In the first scenario, the tangerine let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations. In the second, it was too plain because it met your expectations to a T.
Do you see the irony here?
It’s either not good or not good enough. This is how many of us live our lives… unhappily and unsuccessfully. It’s why so many of us feel let down, drained, and unexcited about almost everything.
Because nothing really meets our expectations.
Now imagine you try this instead: remove your expectations of how the tangerine “should” taste. You don’t know, and you don’t expect to know, because you haven’t even tried it yet. Instead, you’re genuinely curious, impartial, and open to a variety of possible flavors. You taste it, and you truly pay attention. You notice the juiciness, the texture of the pulp, the simultaneously tangy, tart, and sweet flavors swirling around on your tongue, and all the other complex sensations that arise in your awareness as you chew. You didn’t know how this tangerine would taste, but now you realize it’s different from the rest, and it’s remarkable in its own way. It’s a totally new experience — a worthwhile experience — because you’ve never tasted this tangerine before.
Mindfulness experts often refer to this as “beginner’s mind,” but really, it’s just the result of a mind-set free of needless, stifling expectations.
The tangerine, of course, can be substituted for almost anything in your life: any event, any situation, any relationship, any person, any thought at all that enters your mind. If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way, or be too plain and unexciting to even remember. And you’ll just move on to the next disappointment or unworthy life experience, and the next, and the next, and so on and so forth, until you’ve lived the vast majority of your life stuck in an habitual cycle of experiences you barely like or barely even notice.
3. The habit of focusing ONLY on what’s wrong.
The bottom line is that almost every situation imaginable has hidden beauty in it if we are willing to open up to it. For example, in the past, even as Angel and I coped with the death of loved ones, we discovered opportunities for us to appreciate life more, to appreciate the lives of those we’ve lost, and to appreciate the priceless time we had, and still have, with the people we love.
We do our best to embody this same mindset in every difficult life situation we encounter. When we get ill, it’s a chance for us to rest. When some unforeseeable event postpones one of our business projects, we spend more time with family. When our son, Mac, throws a temper tantrum, we see that he’s expressing himself, asserting his individuality, and being human.
We choose to find what’s right, even when it’s hard to see. You can do the same. On the average day, try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. Because while a small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Again, where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to forgive yourself if you’ve recently participated in one or more of the subconscious habits above. Forgive yourself for the times you lacked clarity, for the habitual past missteps that created needless tension and stress. Forgive yourself for being human! These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to bring more conscious awareness to what you’re doing starting today, so you can grow stronger.
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Finally, if you have not done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Marg Trollope says
Love your practical insights here. The points about expectations really hit home with me.
Good reminders!
Strong!
Thank you. Your emails and essays never disappoint.
Synthia Speers says
Thank you. My neck and shoulders hurt all the time from stress and tension. I will try to consciously relax before facing the one who gives it to me.
James Ongati says
Thanks for the article. It’s interesting to how often I have committed all even when I told myself to resist all three negative responses to a situation. Today I remind myself to just pause and reflect immediately after a situation occurs and pray not to resist, not to expect a certain outcome and focus more on what may be right about any situation.
Adela says
I stood still and pin-pointed all the tension and then released it through stretching just now. Thank you!
Also, “Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.” Wow – powerful, made me reflect and realize I need to be slow to anger. Thank you and God Bless you both.
Shirley Marx says
All three points are excellent and resonate with me. Thank you
Naznin says
Thank you so much for all your positive postings. I always look forward to reading them. All three points here resonate. Keep up the good work. You are helping a lot of us cope with uncontrollable set-backs. I am surely one of them.
Shreya B says
I’ve been reading all your emails from a long time. Like every other read, this one too is very motivating.. and it makes one realise that we need to focus and be considerate on our inner self too–which will inturn make a difference in the way of living.
Thanks for such good reads.. Stay happy and healthy 🙂
Sasirekha says
I almost never read inspirational material, but i want you to know that i never miss even a single post of yours. Authentic and truly inspiring! Thank you!
Tyler Feigt says
I spend so much time trying to make everything perfect around me, and when it doesn’t go my way I am disappointed and have a minor or large freak out moment. I am excited to begin my journey of controlling the things I CAN CONTROL: MY WORDS AND REACTIONS!!
Haven says
Thank you, M&A. Your emails and essays lift me up on my weakest days. These three points gave me a needed reality check today.
Donna K Garrison says
I am guilty of all three! I have been in a downward spiral for years. I needed this guidance, and intend to begin right now to change my perspective.
Thank you! Have a blessed day!
Jonny C says
Thanks for an inspiring reminder that I MUST gain control by letting go and accepting the good in everything that happens to me, around me and because of me.
I’ve lived my life under the veil of “perfectionist” but really, I’m acting like someone who can’t accept that things are GREAT. I’ve been so busy wasting time analyzing the “what if” instead of WHAT IS so perfectly unfolding right before my eyes.
NOW is the time to finally ACCEPT and ENJOY the juicy bites of everyday life.
That felt good to get out. Thanks guys =)
Gray says
This was great. I loved getting a reminder not to focus on the worst of things. I am getting better at looking at the bright side in all areas except for one. The death of my only child 11 years ago, blew up my life and even though it wasn’t perfect when he was here, it often seems as though it was,
Maybe this will be a struggle for the rest of my days – who knows?
Thanks again for your wonderful insights and newsletters. They help me so much!
GRACE NDUNGU says
Your articles resonate well with me all the way here in Mombasa, Kenya.
I need to drop the second and third habits. At my age I seem to expect things to be a certain way too many times.
I need to focus on what right rather than on what’s wrong!
Jean f Camp says
Love you guys- thanks so much for what you give me- it always feels like the right message at the right time and really makes me think
Beverley Heyink says
This really hit home for me today’
I have been living with so much negativity. Created in my own mind.
I recognized it but didn’t know how to deal with it.
I will start today to try to see the lesson and focus on the good.
Thanks so much!
Denise says
Everything you post is so helpful. Love today’s-especially the idea that the majority of my life is decided by my own responses. Play the hand I’m dealt.
Mike says
The serenity prayer is something we need to learn, think, pray about every day.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Braydie says
Your posts are just what I need sometimes…
Thanks so much guys you really make a difference x
Cynthia says
The following really hit home, “while a small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses.” A golden nugget I’ll carry with me from now on. Excellent post.
Michèle says
You both are always so eloquent, kind and point on. My beloved husband of 45 years always had his littles adages that have always been so helpful for our family. One that has been repeated in so many situations over the years is
“ Low expectations, Low disappointment.”
Walt says
“If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way, ” This really resonated with me today, it reminded me of a saying I learned from my son, that “expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” I am dealing with the estrangement of an adult child and your messages today will help me learn to live happier with a situation that I cannot control. I am a huge fan of your methodology and your approach, keep up this good work.
Joan Johnson says
Thank you. Spoke directly to me
Gilda says
Your article truly resonated with me today. The expectation factor continues to be something that as a solopreneur, I have to contend with.
Thank you for such timely article.
Chris says
Thanks for another insightful article! I discovered all three of these principles in the beginning of my recovery journey. They have been difference makers in my life!
Living without expectations and being open to all possibilities just works so much better…
Carmen Mota says
Thank you Marc & Angel for your refreshing emails and pointers. It came at a perfect time…
Our 18 year-old granddaughter is dealing with alot. First year in College, feeling home sick, deadlines, anxious, stressed. It’s like garbage, negativity is taking room in her headspace.
We had a lengthy conversation regarding your described headlines. Explained to her, the importance of prioritizing, mindset, journaling (which she started 2 years ago) and not letting garbage take part in her head. Instead to stay focused, not be so hard on herself & choosing what to allow to take root in her mind.
It’s work in progress as this grandmother loves to give all her grandchildren heartwarming advice.
Thank you again for your teachings, true wisdom, humility.
Zinzi says
Marc thank you once again for the insights shared above, must say they hit home.
The timing of this read was just perfect for me, as I’ve been struggling and in so much pain due to tension since Sunday.
I really needed to hear this, the reminders & confirmation. All is appreciated.
Thank you ??
Ayo says
This article improved my perspective on life events.
Thank you.
Lou says
YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS RIGHT. STRUGGLE MAKES YOU STRONG MOST OF THE TIME. THANKS FOR YOUR POST.
Barbara Altamore says
Big life changes ahead…at my own doing but it’s really happening. While my husband is resistant to this change, I’ve been excited to begin. It’s taking longer than I hoped so doubts and fears are creaping in. My back is feeling the tensions. I’m trying not to use unhealthy coping techniques, but they creep in there too. Then I beat myself up for it. I’m learning to accept the timeline as best as possible. I’m learning forgiveness of myself for my coping techniques. I’m learning to relax my shoulders, breath slowly, stretch more, and to just enjoy the journey of preparation and anticipation. Learning…not yet perfected. Trying to be excited and not scared. Wooo hooo! Almost there! (Thank you for these reminders. No matter how often they show up, they are just what I need to read and reread.)
Sanjay Yagnik says
Loved the point about expecting any experience to be a certain way and how it doesn’t excite you no matter what! Not only its’ novel to me but I can already see it’s practicality here and now. I remind myself of my core values before I start my day, I am going to add this point to the list. Keep up the good work and enrich everyone’s life, including yours. Cheers
Henly Dopo says
“Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance.”
I loved reading this. When going through the above situations, I don’t quickly tend to find the next better approach. Having more inner strength inside is better than pretending to show strength from outside.
Thank you for sharing.