In the end, more than anything else, we regret the little things we wish we’d done differently.
“If only…” These two words paired together create one of the saddest phrases in the English language.
Here are ten life choices that ultimately lead to that phrase of regret, and how to elude them on the average day:
1. Wearing a mask to impress others.
If the face you always show the world is a mask, someday there will be nothing beneath it. Because when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone else’s perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are. So don’t fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and what’s true to you. You don’t have to be perfect to impress and inspire people. Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.
2. Keeping negative company (without boundaries).
Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you. Don’t let them get to you. Take a step back. Distancing yourself from those who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your feelings and boundaries. When you remember that keeping the constant company of negative people is a choice, instead of an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of anxiety.
3. Being selfish and egotistical.
A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone. Those who you inspired and shared your love with will remember how you made them feel long after your time has expired. So carve your name on hearts, not stone. What you have done for yourself alone dies with you; what you have done for others and the world remains.
4. Avoiding change and growth.
If you want to know your past look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future look into your present actions. You must let go of the old to make way for the new; the old way is gone, never to come back. If you acknowledge this right now and take steps to address it, you will position yourself for real and lasting progress. (Note: Our newest publication, “The Good Morning Journal”, is a great tool for this kind of daily self-reflection.)
5. Letting others create your dreams for you.
The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find. A big part of this is your decision to stay true to your own goals and dreams on a daily basis. Do you have people who disagree with you? Good. It means you’re standing your ground and walking your own path. Sometimes you’ll do things considered crazy by others, but when you catch yourself excitedly losing track of time, that’s when you’ll know you’re doing things right.
6. Giving up when the going gets tough.
There are no failures, just results. Even if things don’t unfold the way you had expected, don’t be disheartened or give up. Learn what you can and move on. The one who continues to advance one step at a time will win in the end. Because the battle is always won far away and long before the final victory. It’s a process that occurs with small steps, decisions, and actions that gradually build upon each other and eventually lead to that glorious moment of triumph.
7. Trying to micromanage every little thing.
Life should be touched, not strangled. Sometimes you’ve got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement. Learn to let go a little before you squeeze too tight. Take a deep breath. When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward. You don’t have to know exactly where you’re going to be headed somewhere great. Everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not. It just takes some time to connect all the dots.
8. Settling for less than you deserve.
Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve. Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before. Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again. Don’t settle.
9. Endlessly waiting until tomorrow.
The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do. But one day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to work on the things you’ve always wanted to do. And at that point you either will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you haven’t. (Read “The Last Lecture”.)
10. Being lazy and wishy-washy.
The world doesn’t owe you anything, you owe the world something. So stop daydreaming and start DOING. As they say, develop a backbone not a wishbone. Take full responsibility for your life — take control of your next step. You are important and you are needed. It’s too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday. Someday is now; the somebody the world needs is YOU.
How to Gradually Let Go of Old Regrets
The points above are crucial reminders, but what if you already have regrets you’re struggling with?
No doubt, feelings of regret sometimes sneak up on us. Oftentimes we regret things simply because we worry that we should have made different decisions in the past. We should have done a better job, but didn’t. We should have given a relationship another chance, but didn’t. We should have started that business, but didn’t…
We compare the real outcomes of our past decisions to an ideal fantasy of how things “should” be. The problem of course is that we can’t change those decisions, because we can’t change the past. Yet we resist this reality subconsciously — we keep overanalyzing and comparing the unchangeable reality to our ideal fantasy until we’ve wasted lots of time and energy.
But why?
If we logically know better, why can’t we just let all our ideals and fantasies GO?
Because we identify personally with these ideals and fantasies. We all have this vision in our minds of who we are — our well-meaning intentions, our intelligence, our social impact, etc. And we make the best decisions we can of course, because again, we generally mean well. Even if you struggle with deep-seeded self-esteem issues, you probably still identify with yourself as being a decent and respectful human being.
And so when someone says something about us that contradicts the vision of ourselves that we identify with — they insult our intentions, our intelligence, our status, etc. — we take offense. We feel personally attacked, and we have a hard time letting it go.
Something very similar happens when we believe we did something — made a mistake — that contradicts the same vision of ourselves that we identify with. We take offense! In some cases we implode on ourselves — we berate ourselves for making the mistake: “How could I have done this?” we think. “Why couldn’t I have been smarter and made a better decision?” And again, we have a hard time letting it go — we have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that we aren’t always as good as the vision we have of ourselves.
So in a nutshell, our ideals and fantasies about ourselves tend to cause us lots of misery.
The key is to gradually practice letting go of these ideals and fantasies, and focus instead on making the best of reality. The truth must be embraced…
- Every bad decision we made in the past is done — none of them can be changed. And in fact there’s some good in every one of those bad decisions too, if we choose to see it. Just being able to make a decision at all is a gift, as is being able to wake up in the morning, and being able to learn and grow from our wide-ranging life experiences.
- We are not actually what we envision ourselves to be, at least not always. We are human and therefore we are multi-layered and imperfect. We do good things, we make mistakes, we give back, we are selfish, we are honest, and we tell white lies sometimes. Even when we are doing our absolute best, we are prone to slip. And once we embrace this and get comfortable with our humanness, making a bad decision tends to conflict a lot less with our new, more flexible (and accurate) vision of ourselves.
Of course, all of this is easier said than done, but whenever you find yourself obsessing over and regretting a past decision, you can 1) acknowledge that you’re falling into this pattern, 2) realize that there’s some ideal or fantasy you’re comparing your decisions and yourself to, and 3) practice letting go of this ideal or fantasy and embrace a wider range of reality in the present moment.
Now, it’s your turn…
One day you will find yourself closer to the end, thinking about the beginning.
TODAY is that beginning!
TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life.
I challenge you to put the principles of this article to good use.
Motivate yourself to START NOW by answering a simple question:
What’s one thing YOU CAN choose to do today that you will NOT regret?
Please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive two new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Gina Carr says
Spot on! I just turned 70 last week, which I still can’t believe, and I can tell you from experience, the cruelest words in the world are indeed “if only” or “I should have sooner…” You’ve got to live and take the little chances that feel right. Time is short. Great reminders here that are still very useful to me!
Juan Carlos Arrieta Portillo says
Today I choose to accept people for who they are, without trying to change them.
Cindy says
I always get so much good life lessons from your writings. Please keep sending. This one in particular really helped me I struggle with regrets and bad decisions. Thank you again!
Jennifer says
Thank you so much. I’m going through a painful loss, however, I will be using your principles with all my heart to walk towards the sunshine..I vow to learn the lessons to get there. Please dont stop your precious teachings; you are changing humanity!
Tarik says
Dear Angel and Marc,
Thank you for this great post! Actually it reminds me of Mark Twain’s powerful quote: “20 years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do, rather by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Your blog, emails and books are all a blessing to me!!
Janice says
This is a true statement
God is leading me in the right direction now. These years that have passed are gone I’m looking forward to my future years that I have left.
Catherine says
I tend to wait until tomorrow…always working today and waiting until tomorrow to enjoy life. Realizing one day that you are 40 now and haven’t really lived for yourself yet doesn’t feel good. Thanks for the reminders to get going today. Small steps.
SUNNY MILLS says
Wonderful article. Thank you! Most of this, we know, but sadly do not implement. It’s always great to have these timeless reminders in one place. I used to do hospice work as a social worker at a cancer center. These were many of the regrets of my dying patients.
Noah William Smith says
Thanks Marc and Angel :-).
Your article is excellent.
The one thing I will never regret is giving it my best efforts every day. Whether I win or lose in the world, I am fine so long as I give it my best efforts. Those best efforts are important in each moment of life. When I talk to my wife I want to be present, when I reflect on my day I want to learn and do better tomorrow, when I think about the dogs I want to touch them more tomorrow and make them feel special etc. 🙂
Koa says
This post was very helpful to me because although in my mind I know most of these points, the reasoning given to support the points really hit home. Thanks
Dianne Wilbur says
I have always tended to stay put and keep on trudging thru anything that comes along. Three years ago, I sold/rehomed the entire farm, and that includes my pets. I started going to music festivals and finding people to play music with. (I started singing before I could talk, and started playing ukulele when I was 3). I decided that since I was now free of obligations to anyone or anything, that I was going to devote the rest of my life to my music. It has worked out pretty well, and u ambhetting ready to go into the studio and record my first and second albums. And, I am traveling when and where I choose, finally. The only person hold I NG me back from chasing my dream was me. Not any longer.
Great article, Thank You.
Rachel Roberts says
Thankyou. A great reminder for me to let go of regrets and be present and excited about the unknown future.
My philosophy was always to not have regrets only lessons moving through life with not much self awareness…..until recently, through a messy breakup I have realised some truths about myself and had time self reflecting and bringing about more self awareness and self understanding than ever in my life. (43) This has stirred up guilt and some regrets but only to identify the lessons I must learn to more forward in a healthy and balanced way. Slowing down once again to listen to the inner me and tread through life with kindness, empathy, compassion not just for others but also for me.
A great read thank you.
Kayla says
Solid advice from you two as usual. This post reminds me of this quote from Kurt Vonnegut that my father had hanging on his office bulletin board for many years during my childhood:
“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, ‘It might have been.’”
Jo says
Wonderful! This post actually got me out of bed. I planned to go out today to take some photos for enjoyment, but woke up feeling so tired and thought ‘what’s the point of doing anything today?’ Well, life is short, isn’t it, so I might as well live it 🙂 Thanks!
Carl J grana says
Once again your articles are spot on. I am living life now exactly as you describe. After 81 years on this earth, I am experiencing life as it should be, dancing, dating, festivals, and more. I don’t have regrets and live for the present.
Soham Roy says
“TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life.”
This is the line that got me going. Thank you for this positive post.
Tim Riley says
Every sentence you write shines with Loving Kindness. This essay is an act of goodness and you have blessed everyone who reads it. Thank you for your work, time, and love. Your vision of life is so clear and writing to urge us on to live with more love in the present is creating positive impact. Shine on! I love you and your work.
Leslie J Harper says
I love Marc and Angel. I so enjoy waking up and being able to remember what I am here for. Thanks to both of you.
Dr. Mathew Mathew says
Thank you Marc and Angel. The article has moved me to appreciate life a little more today.
Noah William Smith says
Hi Marc and Angel,
I hope you are very well today.
Thanks for sharing this insightful article.
#4 resonates the most with me. I often find it easy to let go of something which does not feel right in exchange for something good. However, when the present times feel good, I find it hard to let go of it. For example, when the natural order of life takes, I have to let go of loved ones.
My way of dealing with it is to remind myself that what they want for me is to live each day like it is my last and not regret one day that how life naturally works upsets me too much. We are all in this together.
Wishing you a great weekend, and thanks for sharing your views.
Kind regards
Noah
Tilly says
Wow. So much of what you said really spoke to me. It was so well written and thoughtful that I think I could read it several times and get something new from each time. I plan on sharing it with my children so that they can start now not later with letting go and accepting themselves as they are.
James says
Excellent article with a lot of true and very real statements. I find the older I get the more I put things off until tomorrow. However I do have a 82 year old mom to look after so right now her needs are much more important than my own. And I don’t want to have any regrets when she passes. I did that with my dad and I’m still living with it today!
NEIL DOUGLAS OXFORD says
I have learned to COUNT MY BLESSINGS! There are many decisions I regret, and all unable to change. So, I remind myself to focus on the good things I DO have – relationships, friends, family, health, security, good food, travel, money, good looks (for a 77 year old). It does not add value to life to regret what might have been.
Susan P Mashburn says
Today I choose to be kind. I choose to be a good neighbor. I choose to love and care for myself. Thanks Marc and Angel for helping me see good choices
Charles says
Valuable advice. I will add my own 2 cents: it’s never too late to do something. You can plant one tree before you pass away or give that last encouraging smile.
Just keep on doing something great no matter how small each and every day. Once more really appreciate that awesome list
Karen Beck says
At 68, I had just about given up. Add to this that I had lost 4 pets and my brother in the span of 3 months, I have settled into TV and online games. Showers were no longer a priority and neither was keeping house.
Thank you for this article. You have reminded me once again to let go of the past and dig in and just do what makes me happy, or will make me happy in the near future! Your emails are fantastic also.
Lynda Johnston says
I encourage everyone to take this wonderful article to heart. Recently I was diagnosed with a terminal illness. At 75 I have a lot to reflect on. Fortunately I have had a full life and have no complaints or regrets. While life has not been perfect and the outcomes not always as planned I did give every day a full shot and held myself accountable. I encourage everyone to give every day their best effort and move forward to be a blessing to all. Life is what you make it and worth your best effort – every day in every way.
Donna says
Thank you for the kick in the pants reminder!! Just what I needed today to start following my dreams for creating a better tomorrow with an idea that’s been swimming around in my head. Just getting through the day trying to save a struggling business is perhaps the door that is closing….time to take the leap of faith and explore what can be! If you can dream it you can become it!