Love is great when spoken, but greatest when shown. Do little things daily to show your loved ones you care.
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on a park bench in the early afternoon when an elderly couple pulled their car up under a nearby oak tree. They rolled down the windows and turned up some jazz music on the car stereo. Then the man got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, opened the door for the woman, took her hand and guided her about ten feet away from the car, and they slow danced to a song under the oak tree. It was such a beautiful moment to witness.
This morning when I opened my laptop to write, the elderly couple immediately came to mind. I spent a few minutes daydreaming about them, wondering how long they had been together and what their best relationship advice would be. And just as I caught my mind wandering even further off, a new email from a reader named Cory popped up in my inbox. The first line of the email was a question: “Any good old-fashioned advice for strengthening our relationships this holiday season?”
The synchronicity of my daydreaming and Cory’s question made me smile. So in honor of that beautiful elderly couple, and in service of Cory’s relationship inquiry, here are some old-fashioned habits we can practice bringing back into our relationships before the end of the year:
1. Spend quality time together with no major agenda and no technology.
Put down the smart phone, close the laptop and enjoy each other’s company, face to face the old fashioned way. There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a genuine laugh, a long walk, a friendly dance, or a big hug shared by two people who care about each other. Sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary just by doing them with the right people. So choose to be around these people, and choose to make the most of your time together.
Don’t wait to make big plans either. Make your undistracted time together the plan. Communicate openly on a regular basis. Get together in the flesh as often as possible. Not because it’s convenient to do so, but because you know each other are worth the extra effort.
2. Be fully present when you’re in the presence of others.
One of the best feelings in the world is knowing your presence and absence both mean something to someone. And the only way to let your loved ones know this, is to show them when you’re with them. In your relationships and interactions with others, nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention — your full presence. Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.
So keep in mind that your friends and family are too beautiful to ignore. Give them the gift of YOU this holiday season — your time, undivided attention, and kindness. That’s better than any other gift, it won’t break or get lost, and will always be remembered. (Read “A Return to Love”.)
3. Express your sincere appreciation for loved ones every chance you get.
No matter how sure you are of someone’s appreciation and admiration, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. So if you appreciate someone today, tell them. Just because they are super reliable and always there when you need them, doesn’t mean you should fail to give thanks and appreciation on a regular basis. To value someone too lightly is to risk missing the depth of their goodness before they’re gone.
Sadly, it is often only when we are tragically reminded of how short life is — when someone we love dies — that we start to appreciate the importance of expressing our love openly. Let this lesson sink in now. Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell the people you love how much you appreciate them.
4. Work together and help each other grow.
There is no soul mate or best friend out there who will solve all your problems. There is no love at first sight that lasts without work and commitment. There are, however, people out there worth fighting for. Not because they’re perfect, but because they’re imperfect in all the ways that are right for you — you compliment each other’s flaws in a way that allows your souls to unite and operate more efficiently as one…
You will know when you meet one of these people, when through them you meet the very best in yourself.
5. Focus on inner beauty.
When you get to really know someone, most of their prominent physical characteristics vanish in your mind. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize their scent, and appreciate their wit. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell.
That’s why you can’t fall in love with physical beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, or want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body for a little while, but not your heart in the long-term. Thus, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, most physical imperfections become irrelevant.
6. Tell the truth.
Too many prefer gentle lies to hard truths. But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. And lying is a cumulative process too, so be careful…
What starts as a small, seemingly innocent lie (possibly even with the intention of not hurting anyone) quickly spirals into an mounting false reality. We lie to one another, but even more so we lie to ourselves most often to protect our oh-so-fragile ego. We may even be inclined to lie to ourselves while reading this, not wanting to admit how often we have eluded the truth. (Read “The Four Agreements”.)
7. Apologize when you know you should.
Take personal responsibility for your wrong doings. If you know your actions or words have hurt someone you care about, immediately admit your faults and face the reality of your actions. Sincere apologies are the super glue of lasting relationships.
And do make sure your apology is sincere too. Say it and mean it. Don’t bother apologizing if you’re just going to continue doing the things you said sorry for. Never ruin an apology with an excuse. Excuses are not apologies.
8. Work out your relationship issues with each other, not with others.
This may seem obvious, but these days it’s worth mentioning: Don’t post negatively about a loved one on social media. 14-year-old school kids post negatively about their boyfriends, girlfriends, and friends on social media. It’s a catty way to get attention and vent, when the emotionally healthy response is to talk your grievances over with them directly when the time is right.
Furthermore, relationships don’t always make perfect sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you. If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM and no one else. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
9. Be a force of positivity and encouragement.
Elevate your inner game. A negative attitude is way below your horizon!
Our way of thinking creates good or bad outcomes. It makes a big difference in your life and the lives around you when you stay reasonably focused on the positive. And remember, being positive does not mean ignoring the negative — being positive means overcoming the negative. There is a big difference between the two.
So encourage the best possible results with your thoughts, words, and deeds every chance you get. And teach this philosophy to those around you too. Help them see the light.
10. Over-deliver on your promises.
Be committed. Commitment means staying devoted, and keeping your promises long after the time and mood you made the promises in has left you. Doing so is vital to your relationships and long-term success in every imaginable walk of life.
In other words, don’t just say it, show it. Don’t just promise it, prove it. Over-deliver on all your promises! Supply more than what’s required. Or as Anne Frank once said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.” Whenever you can, go out of your way and do something nice and unexpected for the people in your life, especially those who are in no position to repay you anytime soon.
11. Be loyal.
Stand by those you care about in their darkest moments, not because you want to stand in the dark, but because you don’t want them to either. Brave the shadows alongside them until they’re able to find the light. On the flip-side, stand by these same people on their sunniest days, not because you want to scorch your skin, but because you’re not afraid to let them shine bright.
Bottom line: Be loyal. Remaining faithful in your relationships is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty means the world to the people who love you. When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down. You can’t promise to be there for someone for the rest of their life, but you can sincerely be there for them for the rest of yours.
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to reflect on relationship habits above and practice them as the year winds down. It’s a perfect time to reflect on the fact that as you grow older and wiser, your holiday gift wish list gets smaller and smaller, because the things you really want and need — time, genuine relationships, meaningful moments, and peace of mind — can’t be bought. So do your best to connect with the people you love the old-fashioned way, and bring more meaning into your life before the end of the year.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this article. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the relationship habits or points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Cassie says
Touches my heart to read this one. #6 and 10 are what sticks out to me today. Thank you for giving me something positive to work on in my relationships this holiday season.
Sylvie says
Your article brought me to tears. My husband is/does many of these things to/for me. Thanks for reminding me how blessed I am, and how I must continue to try to reciprocate.
Drew Hanks says
Love this article. One piece of marriage advice that has made a difference in the 19 years with my wife is, “Be quick to forgive and slow to take offense.”
Wilbert A Bradford says
I love the point on loyalty
Bree G says
I long for a love like that. You just fit together. Everybody’s in a hurry these days. You need to show somebody you’re just happy that they were even born. Like that’s enough! Show those you love that you love them. As I read prove it don’t just promise it.
Winnie says
This is beautiful, Angel and Marc. Even at 79, I am inspired by this. Thank you!
ruby says
I’m actually doing a school project on relationships — past, present and implications for the future — and this article is awesome for all three of them. 10 out of 10! Thank you sooooo much.
dave says
Before we got married, I tried to ask as many people as I knew who had been happily married for a long time, what advice could they give to newlyweds. The answer that impressed me the most was from a family friend named Leon:
“Treat each other every day like you are trying to get her/him to marry you.”
Simple, easy to remember, sometimes hard to do.
Next month we will celebrate our 31st anniversary. In 33 years we hope to reach the milestone that Leon and his wife shared. Whenever I thought our marriage was going through a rough spot, the reason was usually that one (me) or both of us had temporarily forgotten that advice.
David Williams says
That’s beautiful, Dave…and wonderful advice from your pal Leon. From another Dave (33 years married)
Katherine says
married 40 years Dec. 2 and I agree with each point here. I’d also add a few more:
*Sometimes it’s what you don’t say that counts. Bite your tongue in some situations.
*A touch often means more than words. I always get a warm hand on my shoulder or neck when I talk about lost loved ones or sensitive subjects.
*We always stand very close at weddings and we always join the dance after the new couples first dance.
*Always celebrate… Anniversaries, birthdays, babies, life! Cakes, dinners, baths, saunas, ice cream. Life is uncertain, enjoy, eat, cry and celebrate. It’s only going to be what you make it, dance like everyone’s watching 🙂
Robin Garrison says
I enjoyed reading what I truly believe in! Thanks for putting it in writing in such an eloquent way. It also reminded me, what not to forget to do and to be like. My soulmate and I have been together 40 years and married 33 years. I feel even when we have had rough spots , these old fashioned ways helped keep our relationship going. It’s the simple things in life that are really the best and most rewarding.
Dee Dee says
Great points here! Also, eat meals together on a regular basis. Too often the children eat in their bedrooms, the wife in the family room and the husband in his man cave. It’s so important for family to eat together and spend time talking about what’s going on with each other. Turn off the TV and do not bring cell phones and iPads to the table.
Laura Waxman says
I love this list. thank you so much. the ones that really stood out to me were #2 and #10.
Anoop says
Thanks M&A. Another great post. Last two (10 and 11) are outstanding. Wordings and thoughts are superb in last two paras.
Loved it1
eL says
I love this post. Every single tip is on point. I especially love #8. Very fitting in today’s world since social media is such a big part in today’s society. Working together and finding a common ground on a solution makes a relationship stronger, meaningful and a deeper connection.
Paul says
I love it! Old-fashioned, respectful ways of treating the people who matter to you.
I’ll add: Help them grow. Work with them to learn and explore. Share in each other’s development.
susan van den bergh says
I practice all the old-fashioned ways and habits, and fully agree with them. Not out of ‘obligation’, oh no, but rather spontaneously, out of true appreciation, gratitude, love & altruism. Brings such joy to oneself & others. Extend that to ‘strangers’ too, chance encounters are wonderful…everyone has a tale, story to tell & the need to be heard.
Don’t mind if others don’t ‘treat’ you likewise. In other words don’t expect same back, but rather have compassion for their ways, business, or whatever…love them anyway ! But by all means, let go of the ‘vampires’, good riddance hahaha!
Happy day & progress to you all, Sue
Kristen says
These relationship tips are terrific! I am a couple’s coach and will bring some of your ideas into the sessions I have this coming week with people struggling in their relationships. Keep up the good work. You are helping so many!
PS: I, too, loved The Four Agreements. And I’ll have to check out your 1,000 Little Things book now as well. Have a great one!
Dev says
Great post. It’s been awhile since I’ve commented, but I’ve been reading. Just wanted to let you know I resonate and struggle with several of these relationship habits at times, but the first two stand out the most because those are the relationship traps I fall into most often. I need to be more present when I’m with the people I love. It’s so easy these days to distract ourselves with iphones and handheld devices and every other shiny object.
So thank you again for posts like this, the beautiful wisdom in your books, and all the inspiring emails you send. Your positive reminders are keeping me on a positive path in life.
Dawn E. Robinson says
I love this! Not only the story about the older couple dancing under the tree, but also all of the habits. I was single for almost 20 years when I met My Sweet Man. He stepped up and not only told me he liked me, he showed me he loved me. It has been a refreshing, fun, loving, learning experience. & It is true, when you allow yourself to get to know someone, you love them for them, not how they look or what they do. I hope to live a really long time so I can get as much time with him in this lifetime as possible.
Bridget says
Thank you for your words of encouragement, they always come at the right time. After leaving an toxic marriage I was scared to be in a relationship again until someone showed up in my life. I’m not much of a liar but I’d tell half truths and be sarcastic and in a bit scared to commit even though he’s putting in more effort. But today I had something within me to show appreciation and your messages came in the right time. I don’t think I’ll ever take him for granted. Thank you for giving me hope.
Steve says
Wonderful list and we did so many of these easily and naturally with each other while we were together, she was the best person I’ve ever had in my life. I still imagine doing them, because I loved seeing her smile! but differences in financial retirement ability, she with a lot, me not, and fears of not enough, both of us, recently ended us. I struggle with grief every day but am slowly moving on.
People, do these simply to do them.
Alice Araiza says
My husband and I have been married 39 years and we love each other more than ever. Not in the lusty way we did at first (even though those feelings still exist). I think young love is amazing, but what’s more amazing is two people who’ve stuck together for years and years and years! They have something special to celebrate. My husband always told me he wanted to grow old with me and looked forward to that time. That time is here, and while we’ve walked through valleys along the way, I wouldn’t trade my relationship with my Love for all the money on earth.
Kelly Rieder says
Once Again, you are on target, just remember, their are No guaranteed second chances in life and love. Be sure you enjoy every moment before it’s too late. As my late husband said often,
“Life is not a dress rehearsal”.
Jani says
Great advice for everyone and very ‘ spot on’ explanations.
John says
Your reference to “The Four Agreements” in #6, and the content of #8, should be committed to memory. Thank you for the article.
Kim Fink says
Thank you for writing this article. It’s title gave it depth and credibility. All the tips resonated with me. You live life only once so love deeply and honestly. Keep investing without thoughts of return. Thank you for sharing the positives of “old fashion love”.
Diane says
11. Be loyal
You described when life can be pivotal and shape a person. The big highs and lows where real friends stay to encourage them to persevere through the darkness and brighten and memorialize the good times.
Thank you
Sandra Phelan-Rogers says
Love this its a great reminder of what really matters.
Stevi says
I could not choose just one that resonated most . I loved the post from beginning to end, meaning I fully agreed with all of the conclusions written within the article. These “suggestions” are like a blue print or foundational layout of any relationship you wish to keep successful, fair, happy, and beneficial to both people in it. Thanks for sharing !