You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will pass.
Calmness is a human superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things personally keeps your mind clear and your heart at peace, which gives you the upper hand in most life situations. And it’s a daily practice too. Over the past several years I’ve been cultivating calmness in myself — I’ve been gradually taming my tendency to get riled up and argue with people when their behavior doesn’t match my expectations.
As human beings we all have an idea in our heads about how things are supposed to be, and sadly this is what often messes us up the most. We get frustrated when things don’t play out the way we expect them to, and when people don’t behave like they’re “supposed” to. We expect our family to act a certain way, our friends to always be kind, and strangers to be less difficult.
And when reality hits us, and everyone seems to be doing the opposite of what we expect them to do, we get triggered — anger, frustration, arguments, tears, etc.
If you can relate in any way at all right now, it’s time to remind yourself of the truth: You can’t control how other people behave. You can’t control everything that happens. What you can control is how you respond to it all. Let calmness be your superpower…
When you feel like your lid is about to blow, take a long deep breath. Deep breathing releases tension, calms down our fight or flight reactions, and allows us to quiet our anxious nerves so we choose more constructive responses, no matter the situation. So for example, do your best to inhale and exhale next time another driver cuts you off in traffic. In a recent poll we hosted with couple hundred new course students, overreacting while fighting traffic was the most commonly cited reason for overreacting on an average day. Just imagine if all the drivers on the road took deep breaths before making nasty hand gestures, or screaming obscenities.
Of course it can drive us crazy when we don’t get what we expect from people, especially when they’re being rude and difficult. But trying to change the unchangeable — wanting others to be exactly the way we want them to be — just doesn’t work. So we’ve got to make some changes and lead by example.
Here’s the way of being that I’ve been cultivating and advocating:
- To breathe deeply and often.
- To remind myself that I can’t control other people.
- To remind myself that other people can handle their lives however they choose.
- To not take their behavior personally.
- To see the good in them.
- To let go of the ideals and expectations I have about others that causes unnecessary frustration.
- To remember that when others are being difficult, they are often going through a difficult time I know nothing about. And to give them space.
“Being” this way takes practice, but it’s worth it. It makes me less frustrated, it helps me be more mindful, it improves my relationships, it lowers my stress, and it allows me to make the world a slightly more peaceful place. I hope you will join me…
Practice Calmness and Mindfulness
If you’re ready to feel more peace and less inner frustration, here are some ways I’ve learned to remain calm and mindfully centered, even when those around me can’t seem to contain themselves. These principles reinforce the quick bullet points above, and when you consistently practice them, the world within you and around you becomes a lot easier to cope with.
Let’s practice, together…
1. Get comfortable with pausing.
Don’t imagine the worst when you encounter a little drama. When someone is acting irrationally, don’t join them by rushing to make a negative judgment call. Instead, pause and take a deep breath.
Inhale. Exhale. A moment of calmness in a moment of tension can save you from a hundred moments of regret. Truth be told, you are often most powerful and influential in an argument when you are most calm. Others never expect calmness. They expect yelling, drama, defensiveness, offensiveness, and lots of back and forth. They expect to leap into the ring and fight. They are ready to defend themselves with sly remarks cocked and loaded. But your calm pause? That can really disarm them, and put you back in control.
2. Think bigger.
Imagine a two-year-old who doesn’t get what she wants at the moment. She throws a temper tantrum! This small momentary problem is enormous in her little mind because she lacks perspective on the situation. But as adults, we know better. We realize that there are dozens of other things this two-year-old could do to be happier. Sure, that’s easy for us to say — we have a bigger perspective, right? But when someone offends us, we suddenly have a little perspective again — this small momentary offense seems enormous and it makes us want to scream! We throw the equivalent of a two-year-old’s temper tantrum.
Of course if we think bigger we can see that this small thing matters very little in the grand scheme of things. It’s not worth our energy. Thus, always remind yourself to be bigger, think bigger, and broaden your perspective.
3. Respect people’s differences.
Being kind to someone you dislike or disagree with doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions and do the right thing. Period.
And it’s absolutely possible to connect with, or even appreciate the company of, someone you don’t completely agree with. When you make a commitment to remain neutral on matters that don’t matter that much, and speak respectfully about your disagreements that do matter, both parties can remain calmer and move forward with grace. It’s a long process sometimes, but it’s worth it.
So just keep reminding yourself that what goes around comes around. No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is. Just because someone does it differently doesn’t make it wrong. There are many roads to what’s right in this world.
4. Find compassion and put yourself in their shoes.
In the busyness of today’s world people tend to be worried, fearful, hurting and distracted about everything. The word compassion means “to suffer with.” When you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you give them the space to regroup without putting any extra pressure on them.
Truth be told, everyone gets upset and loses their temper sometimes. Remind yourself that we are all more alike than we are different. When you catch yourself passing judgment, add “just like me sometimes” to the end of a sentence. For example:
- That person is grouchy, just like me sometimes.
- He is so darn impatient, just like me sometimes.
- She is being rude, just like me sometimes.
And choose to let others off the hook when you can.
5. Take things less personally.
If you take everything personally, you will be offended for the rest of your life. There’s just no reason for it! Even when it seems personal, rarely do people do things because of you, they do things because of them. You know this is true. You may not be able control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be endlessly distracted by them. Make that decision for yourself today.
Seriously, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours.
6. Create proactive morning rituals that start your days right.
Don’t rush into your day by checking your phone or email. Don’t put yourself it a stressful state of mind that’s incapable of dealing effectively with other people’s negativity. Create time and space for morning rituals that get you moving in the right direction.
Here’s part of my morning ritual: I take 15 deep breaths before getting out of bed, I stand up and stretch, and then do 15 minutes of meditation.
I challenge you to try this — it has been life-changing for me — but start small with just three deep breaths and three minutes of meditation a day. Do this for 30 days. After 30 days, if this daily ritual becomes easy, add another two breaths and another two minutes to your ritual. When you begin a day mindfully, you lay the foundation for inner calmness and effectiveness, regardless of what’s going on around you.
7. Cope using healthy choices and alternatives.
When we face stressful situations, we are often encouraged to calm or soothe ourselves with unhealthy choices — drinking alcohol, eating sugary snacks, smoking, etc. It’s easy to respond to stress with unhealthy distractions. So pay more attention to how you cope with stress, and replace bad coping habits with healthy coping habits…
Take a walk in a green space. Make a cup of green tea and sit quietly with your thoughts. Listen to some pleasant music. Write in your journal. Talk it out with a close friend. Healthy coping habits make a difference. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. Remind yourself of what’s right (and create more of it in the world).
At the end of the day, reflect on your small daily wins and all the little things that are going well. Count three small events on your fingers that happened during the day that you’re undoubtedly grateful for. For example:
- My family and I made it home safely from work and school today.
- My spouse and I shared a laugh.
- Our meals filled our stomachs.
And then pay it forward — let your positivity empower you to think kindly of others, speak kindly to others, and do kind things for others. Kindness often brings calmness by allowing us to relish in life’s goodness. Create a few outcomes others might be grateful for at the end of their day.
9. Practice letting everything and everyone breathe.
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
10. Establish and enforce healthy and reasonable boundaries.
Practice becoming more aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build healthy boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t help others if you’re incapacitated.
In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you — the calmest and most capable version of you — so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most to you.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to let calmness be your superpower. It’s your turn to breathe in serenity, armed with the comforting knowledge that there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t…
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Nancy says
Excellent read today! Thanks for sharing. So often I stand there blown away by the way some people conduct themselves. I used to react and get angry, but I have been working more toward this model of breathing, processing it for a moment to see whether in the scheme of things–it is worth my time to process any further, and move forward. Of course, if it is some action that was egregious to me, I have decisions to make as to where my boundaries lie and how to move forward. The long and short–your approach is a winner IMO!
Dianne says
I whole-heartedly agree with you, Nancy. AND one has to practice this! I vote this one of the most personally impactful blogs by M&A.
Veronica says
It’s truly heartwarming to see so much kindness and support in the world. I’m grateful for the presence of wonderful people in my life that I cherish. Finding personal fulfillment and being true to myself is something I strive for daily. I believe in the importance of self-love and continuous self-improvement. Ultimately, I want to live a life that reflects my values and brings me genuine happiness.
Dimitria Letsos says
It’s truly amazing when things come to your life at a time when you’re going through something and you realize you have the answer by reading something that just calms you and rationalizes you in your thought patterns.
I’ve always been a person who gives leeway to others and I try to stay calm and quiet and just talk to them in a serene voice, not getting into their anger and playing the victim. And I also learned that calm silence is an enormous response at times.
Your article has reminded me that not reacting and you losing yourself into someone else’s behavior is a keynote to understanding human behavior so much more! I recently had an experience with a family member they have a tendency to be reactionary, and no matter what you say, you come to the understanding they’re not hearing you and so you pull back and the great misfortune with that as you still get blamed for more.
Pulling away and remaining silent and staying calm within your thoughts has always been the gift that I’ve given myself and your article today was so reinforcing towards understanding. Did I do the right thing? I enjoy your articles tremendously. I often share them with other people and then I highlight them and put them in my notebook to go back to them when I know I absolutely need them!
Thank you for your insights that you share with the world. They’re very much appreciated.
Cynthia Stella says
The point that really reached me most deeply was “there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t…”
I live with a person I really love but who has a problem with ongoing anger. Becoming reactive on a regular basis to this was turning ME into a chronically angry person. Accepting that there’s nothing I can do about his problem but so much I can do for myself by simply accepting the fact we can’t change how other people behave is so helpful. Time to just “let everyone just breathe” — starting with me.
Cynthia says
Thank you for this article it. I’m dealing with a situation in my life right now with neighbors and I had a breaking point and lowered myself to their level out of frustration. After reading your article I will apply your suggestions to my situation and with a meeting scheduled for next week I will be better prepared thank you.
Leona Porter says
Hi dear, I’m having a similar situation (last year) where by I haven’t responded in angst to certain people… And I reached out to the right ppl instead… or wrote about it, talked about it…and it helped. So Grateful so Thankful. And I’m wishing you well.
-Leona
Tunde Aina says
I love the way you write. I was particularly touched by your advice to let other people and things around us breathe. This is a part of me I need to work at more. Thanks for making me think a little better today.
Jennifer Diane Malloy says
Marc & Angel,
I always enjoy your articles I read most if them as way to help with coping, relationship issues/knowledge of what constitutes a healthy relationship as well living mindfully and with fulfill mention. There were two that resonated with me the most and that was healthy morning routine & the power of the pause. Thank you so much
Karim says
I loved number 10 on boundaries. My in laws are coming to visit today and the statement someone else’s behavior is not going to make me someone I am not. Perfect timing I am going to incorporate this in to my life especially over the next few days.
Thank you so much.
Craig Allen says
That was perfect for me… I read the part “there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t…”, and it really resonated with my current situation. It was as if you had expected this to really make sense to me all along. That is one of the things I enjoy in my daily life – the little synchronicities that occur every day. I read from a lot of authors about things like personal growth every day. Yours is material that’s somehow different in that it resonates with me a little more…like you’ve gone a few extra steps to make everything hit home a little better. Maybe the fact that you operate as a couple rather than being one individual gives you unmatched synergy to be more differentiated from the rest.
Thank you for helping me see through the fog. I look forward to your future emails – something to help me get through my day with a much better perspective. I wish more of the people around me thought more like you do.
Janet says
Number 5 spoke to me, “rarely do people do things because of you, they do things because of them.” People with an addictive personality are manipulative. Trying to help them only hurts me. I need to learn to let it go. They need to help themselves. I’ve allowed myself to be sucked in by their needs and it has hurt my self esteem.
Lin says
Number 4 stuck with me because that is a hard one and I am going to try to look differently at the grouchy person or the rude clerk or the person cutting me off in traffic or pushing hard to get ahead of me somewhere. Thank you. I feel I will remember those words of yours next time those things happen.
B says
“A moment of silence in a moment of anger, can save you from a hundred moments of regret.” So much power in so few words. I’m normally so quick to respond, without thought, in these situations, always wanting the last word but with instant regret and sadness following. Not anymore. Your words are inspiring me to be that better person, to show empathy and understanding, to think before I speak… to breathe. Thank you.
Joyce DeWitt says
When we experienced the death of our 27-year-old son, from then on I saw common irritations & every day problems as irrelevant. I sort of began thinking that nothing would really bother me unless it involved harm to one of my beloveds. I would even say, “if it doesn’t involve a lot of blood, death or jail, I’m good.” Somebody cuts in front of me in line? They must need to get there faster. Somebody acts like a jerk on the freeway? Go ahead, be my guest. I’m not interested in getting in a wreck. Grouchy people? Not going to wreck my day. I was teaching then, and even misbehaving, rude high school students couldn’t get me to blow up. I had never been too easy to anger anyway, but it just went to a different level. I just didn’t care much anymore, about things that used to get on my nerves. To be sure, I still feel irritation at some things, & my husband will tell you that I can be snarky right back to him. But feeling mostly peaceful, even in the face of broken dishes, whiny kids, teens who know everything, big messes that someone else makes, friends who bait me on politics, family members who make bad choices & wind up in money trouble or worse, is just a far better place to be. I never was all wound up, but I could get that way. If I start to feel anxious now, mostly over “will I be there in time?” (because I hate to keep people waiting) I remind myself that traffic & weather are out of my control. Let it go. Let it go, and let God. I turn it all over to him. And turn to the cranky looking person behind me at the grocery line, and say, “Please, go ahead of me. I have more than you.” That’s so easy to do, and gets smiles instead of frowns.
Mary says
I remember when my husband was rushed to the hospital I drove like a bat out of hell to get there in time. Now when people tailgate me or are racing, I give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they have an emergency either at home or somewhere else.
Denise says
I enjoyed and can relate to the whole article. I constantly let what other people think of me bother me. I have to make a conscious effort to work on this on a daily basis. Thanks for reminding me I’m not the only one. Have a great day.
john M Hardy says
Great article, lots of great information in here, but the one that is speaking to me is #3. Unfortunately, that person who I had difficulty with at times is now in heaven. There were several people in my family who had a similar situation but for different reasons. If this person had taken advantage of professional counseling services, it would have made things a lot easier.
Still a great article , nonetheless.
Deb Koughn says
I am so thankful that I found your site. I just started here and absolutely love it.
I’m also wondering if there is an easier way to print these? On some recipes you can save it to a file and then I can print it. If not, thank you anyway. Either way, thank you for allowing me to enjoy enjoy this beautiful life with your help. It’s appreciated more than you can know.
Urooj khan says
Very nice. It’a really a motivational and I am so calmed after reading this. Keep going. God bless you
Patricia A Cole says
Excellent article — and perfect timing! Your messages have a way of hitting to the core and helping us to cope in a healthy way. Thank you so much for your wisdom and for sharing these thoughts of calmness, inner strength and handling issues with integrity and heart. I am grateful for your wisdom and your wonderful messages. They help more than you know!
Silvia says
I just had an argument with my sister and I found this article today! I found it very well written and helpful and I lean towards God usually but everything you mentioned and the tips you were given resonated with me A LOT. When you said, we are more alike than different” and end the phrase with… He is grouchy.. Just like me! Wow! I loved it, it finds me well & I definitely going to take your advice. Thank you for sharing.
Lori dusterhoft says
Great article! The suggestion that resonated with me was letting everything breathe. I struggle with try not to be a sponge and picking up on everyone else’s negativity. it is very important to pause when you’re in this negative loop and try not to take things personally.
Bon K says
Thank you so much Angel and Marc for your articles have made much braver to face life.
I will carve these words in my heart…
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
Been having difficulties understanding my daughter who’s a mom now of her 2yrs old…she talks and acts like she knows everything.
I use the Calmness method…it really takes practice especially when she is so cold with us even if we have been helping her for she doesn’t have a job.
Thank you again..God bless you both and keep composing. Kudos!
Dee says
Just stumbled on your website while searching for advice re how to tolerate a person that I MUST engage with (a well-paying biz client who also leans on us as her friends to help maintain her sobriety) but who lives in almost constant anger (from childhood abuse) & is easily triggered by any minor annoyances—ALL the time. Thanks for the advice in this piece. Wish us luck!