Some of life’s greatest truths and lessons are the hardest to learn and accept, and yet we must. Because they ultimately allow us to navigate the inevitable obstacles we can’t avoid. So it’s time to remind yourself…
1. Everyone and everything in life is limited.
You can never read all the books you want to read. You can never train yourself in all the skill sets you want to have. You can never be all the things you want to be and live all the lives you want to live. You can never spend all the time you want with the people you love. You can never feel every possible temperature, tone, and variation of emotion in a given situation. You are incredibly limited, just like everyone else.
In the game of life, we all receive a unique set of limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you respond to the hand you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof, or empower yourself to play the hand sensibly and resourcefully — making the very best of every outcome as it arises, even when it’s incredibly hard to accept.
Let’s take a moment and revisit the notion of being limited by the reality of not being able to spend all the time you want with someone you love. When someone you love passes away too soon, that’s undoubtedly one of the most heartbreaking limitations to cope with, and the general principles for coping with this kind of tragic limitation is universally applicable to less severe situations too…
Imagine a person who gave meaning to your life is suddenly no longer in your life (at least not in the flesh), and you’re not the same person without them. You have to change who you are — you’re now a best friend who sits alone, a widow instead of a wife, a dad without a daughter, or a next-door neighbor to someone new. You want life to be the way it was, before death, but it never will be.
Angel and I have dealt with the loss of siblings and best friends to illness, so we know from experience that when you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open. And the bad news is you never completely get over the loss – you will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news.
You see, death is an ending, which is a necessary part of living. And endings are necessary for beauty too — otherwise it’s impossible to appreciate someone or something, because they are unlimited. Limits illuminate beauty, and death is the definitive limit — a reminder that you need to be aware of this beautiful person or situation, and appreciate this beautiful thing called life. Death is also a beginning, because while you’ve lost someone special, this ending, like every loss, is a moment of reinvention. Although deeply sad, their passing forces you to reinvent your life, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places. And finally, of course, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life, and to be grateful for the priceless beauty they showed you.
2. No matter how hard you work, you can’t have it all.
Eventually most of us end up settling in some way. We let go of certain ideals and dreams, we compromise, and we make trade-offs. We gradually learn that we can’t have everything we want, because not every outcome in life can be perfectly controlled. But if we pay close attention, we also learn that we can make the best of every outcome and still get a lot of what we want in life.
And these realizations collectively lead to an interesting question:
When should you settle and when should you continue fighting hard for exactly what you want?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, but when you encounter a situation that forces you to choose between compromise and fighting forward against the opposition, it might help to also ask yourself:
Do I really need this, or do I just kinda want it?
Being able to distinguish needs from wants is essential. Never let go of an outcome you truly need in your life, but be reasonably flexible on the outcomes you want but could live fine without. In other words, choose your battles wisely, and don’t let perfect become the enemy of good. Remind yourself that what you pay attention to grows. So focus on what really matters and let go of what does not…
Don’t give up 60% of your life working 60-hour weeks at a day job that makes you absolutely miserable. Don’t abandon your sanity for the wrong reasons. Don’t neglect lifelong goals that bring incredible meaning into your life. If you really need it, fight hard for it! But for everything else, let go a little, loosen your grip, and compromise.
Settle on less of the unessential, to get more of what you really need in life.
3. If you want something in life, you also have to want the costs of getting it.
Most people want the reward without the risk — the shine without the grind. But you can’t have a destination without a journey. And a worthwhile journey always has costs — at the very least you have to sacrifice your time and energy, day by day.
So instead of thinking about what you want, first ask yourself:
“What am I willing to give up to get it?”
Or for those inevitably hard days:
What is worth suffering for?
Seriously, think about it…
If you want the fit and ripped abs, you have to want the sore muscles, the sweaty clothes, the mornings or afternoons of exercise, and the healthy meals. If you want the successful business, you have to also want the longer days, the stressful business deals and decisions, and the likelihood of failing a few times to learn what you need to know to succeed in the long run. But if you catch yourself wanting something day in and day out, month after month, yet you never take action and thus you never make any progress, then maybe you don’t really want it after all, because you’re not willing to suffer through the effort and work it’s going to take to achieve it.
But if you decide that you do want it, then take an honest look at your daily routines and rituals, and ask yourself another question:
Based on my daily routines and rituals, where can I expect to be in a year from now?
This question can be helpful because if you have an idea about what you want the next chapter of your life to look like, you have to consistently do things that support this idea. An idea, after all, isn’t going to do anything for you until you actively implement it. In fact, as long as that great idea is just sitting around in your head it’s doing far more harm than good. Your subconscious mind knows you’re procrastinating on something that’s important to you. The required work that you keep postponing causes stress, frustration, and usually more procrastination — a vicious cycle that continues to worsen until you interrupt it with positive ACTION!
4. Owning your truth is hard, but not nearly as hard as spending a lifetime running away from it.
“I don’t think others like me. They like versions of me I have somehow spun for them… versions of me that they have invented in their minds… versions of me with only the characteristics that are easy to like. But that’s not who I really am. And it scares me. After all, who’s going to like the guy that can’t stop second-guessing himself? The guy that cries? The guy that loses control? The guy that hides from his problems? The guy that keeps pushing people away? Who’s going to like the weakness in me… who’s going to like the real me?”
I wrote those lines in my journal seventeen years ago when I was grieving and struggling hard. What gradually healed me was my willingness to own my truth and be openly vulnerable about it. Doing so of course wasn’t easy. Being vulnerable means accepting who you truly are and having the courage to share it with the world. And that’s hard stuff, but it’s necessary! Because only when we are brave enough to explore the dark corners of ourselves will we discover the hidden power of our inner light.
So please remember, underneath all your external identities and unique decorations you are an amazing, beautiful being. You have light to shine and missions to accomplish. Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side, your own special creation. If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new stream to swim in. But don’t deny yourself — embrace yourself!
Be you in a world that’s trying to influence every move you make.
Take the road less traveled when it feels right under your feet.
Do more than just exist!
We all exist. The question is: Do you live?
Own your truth, and live…
(Note: Angel and I explore the theme of owning your truth by using the power of journaling in “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)
5. Not everyone you trust will be trustworthy, and you’re better off without some people.
“It was just a mistake,” he said. But the really painful thing was, it felt like the biggest mistake was mine, for trusting him.
Can you relate in any way? I’m sure you can.
Eventually every one of us suffers from some kind of betrayal. And in a backwards way, it’s what unites us. When it happens to you, the key is to not let one person’s despicable decisions destroy your trust in everyone else. Don’t let them take that from you. Don’t let them turn you into someone you aren’t. In other words, regardless of the details and what you ultimately decide to do with that particular relationship, the most important decision is who you decide to be after a betrayal.
Do your best to be resourceful. Remind yourself that distancing yourself from someone who keeps giving you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your feelings and boundaries, respectfully.
In the end, people will come in and out of your life for different purposes and periods of time. Every one of them can be a teacher if you are willing to learn. Some lessons are far more painful than others, but all have the power to add to your strength of character. By processing a betrayal resourcefully, you are mining that experience for the pearls it holds so you can let go of the rest gradually over time.
The bottom line is that some people will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll gradually weed these people out of your life and you’ll be left with some great people you can count on.
So just keep doing your best to spend time with nice people who are smart, driven, and kind. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know — people you admire, who love and respect you… people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Learn and believe, in yourself and your journey.
If you only remember two words from this whole essay, let them be “Learn” and “Believe.”
Learn: As in… learn through experience. Learn through your trials and errors. Learn from your relationships. Remain humble, open-minded, and teachable. Put yourself out there and let it all sink it. Then gently push yourself to the edge of your comfort zone, so you can expand it and grow a little more confident and capable every day.
Believe: As in… believe in yourself and your ability to grow. Believe in your intuition, especially when you have to choose between two good paths. Believe that the answers are out there waiting. Believe that both life and love will surprise you again and again. Believe that the journey is the destination. Believe that it’s all worth your while. And believe that you are strong enough to see it through.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to learn and believe today!
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Heather Ebel says
As always, you hit the nail on the head in a gentle, but sincere and real way. I love the way you express thoughts about the challenges and beauty in life. I have indeed lived and learned over the past 73 years. Thanks for the extra self reflection today.
Angel says
Some people think results are a magic potion and that work smarter not harder means if it doesn’t happen easily, then it wasn’t destined to be. Being tenacious means pushing through adversity and not misinterpreting it as a sign it’s not supposed to happen.
Carol Morse says
Hi Marc & Angel
Just found you all recently and so glad life put you both in my path. All five hit home pretty hard but #5 hit the hardest. I am going through a divorce currently so learning and still believing. Thank you so much for all the reality checks. They are very appreciated.
Joyce says
One of your very best posts imo… it was honest and heartrending and vulnerable. It helped me to see myself… thank you so much.
Heather says
This essay is absolutely fantastic! One of the longer ones I’ve read on your site, but well worth the read. I’ll be sharing with with some friends in a text.
And I have to say number 2 is the very reason I began reading your blog, and eventually took advantage of your other offerings. I didn’t know when to let go and focus on what truly matters to me. I’m a reasonably successful individual in both my professional and personal lives, but for the longest time I was trying to be everything to everyone and I didn’t realize it. On the pro end, I always wanted bigger and better, and on the personal end, I wanted to be loved by everyone all the time. This led to some pretty serve moments of confusion and desperation.
The self-inquiry tools and tiny daily rituals you’ve guided me through gradually turned my thinking around, and thus turned my life around. As you’ve said in this post, I figured out how to work on what was important and let go of the rest.
Anyhow, thank you as always for your guidance and service.
Noah says
Hi Marc and Angel,
Hope you are well today.
Thanks for the essay above.
I looked forward to your essay. The essay is outstanding. I connected with the honesty and feelings.
In my life, #4 is very relevant. I believe it is not possible to be 100% good and 0% bad. It feels like when I do something right, there is something new that is wrong. Also the more aware I become, the more I see some bad in the good things and some good in the bad things. Fortunately I am used to life being complex and I know it is all connected.
Wishing you a good weekend!
Kind regards
– Noah William
Robert Vasquez says
Really appreciate you two! You continue to put out beautiful things out in the world. Your double presence is felt among many people. I encourage my friends and family to get on your email list. Having met you many years ago in person at one of your events, I am very proud of what you two have accomplished and the impact you have had on my life and many others.
Alex says
Wonderfully and beautifully said. We all need to remind ourselves and stay positive no matter what situation we’re in. Life is not only a destination but a journey of ups and downs that bring great lessons, realities, and value.
Made Pramana says
Thank you so much for this essay. I learned a lot, or was reminded of what my better judgment has recently overlooked.
Susan K says
What hit home the most was a realistic perspective that we all have some kind of limitations, but, we can choose what we need, and maybe let go of some of the wants that are just tormenting us. They may not be worth the price to pay: losing health doing it, losing time with loved ones, losing time to share things that make life worthwhile, or just plain self-care. This hit home, big-time. Thank you so much for a rock-solid dose of realistic humanity.
Karl says
Definitely one of your best offerings recently. Lots to ponder, process and journal on this one in the coming days.
Rajan Thomas Choondal says
It’s a beautiful article. Half the globe away from you guys, it resonates with the local wisdom. But you have put it so beautifully, that it was a compelling read. All the points mentioned are equally valuable to follow in life. I am trying sincerely to make these truths and lessons a part of my daily routines.
Sanskriti Jitani says
Hi M&A,
This is something that came to me when I needed it the most!
So beautifully relatable! So empowering!
Though easier said than done, these are pearls of wisdom.
THANK YOU! Keep up the great work!
BRENEE says
I’m just out of a broken engagement. I’m 40 and I have never been married. This was my second relationship in all of my adult years. We made plans together and I thought he was my forever but it didn’t work out that way. Looking back after letting go of the hurt he caused. I was able to see things clearly and for what they were.
Ultimately, the life I thought I wanted would have made me completely miserable. The thought of starting over was overwhelming and I just did not want to do it but I have a beautiful son to care for so the show must go on. This time around, I just want to prioritize good things and good people. I want to leave the past in the past and strive to do the things I love to do because I stopped doing those things in the relationship because I wanted to be available to him at all times and he made me feel guilty for tending to other things like school and being a parent.
I now know what is healthy, what boundaries to are necessary for me, and what I want in a relationship and I won’t settle for anything less than what I deserve. No relationship is perfect but there should be a sense of joy waking up to the person you love and one day I hope to have that.
EL says
Nice article.
My issues is with being myself. I am, but a lot of people don’t get me, so there’s pushback. It’s not that I’m a jerk who doesn’t see it; it’s that I’m very different from most people, and most people are not comfortable with that.
I know a lot about human behavior, so I understand why people do what they do. This makes me give some more understanding that most others would. That makes me strange to them. I’m excellent with reading body language, as it’s been a life-long interest of mine, so I’ve done a lot of educating myself on it. When someone lies to me, I almost always know. I see through so many people, it’s unnerving to them. I’m very honest, outspoken, and super understanding of people. That’s off-putting to a lot. There are other reasons they find me odd (I’m super masculine, but don’t act like a man. I’m gay. I’m able to make connections between things that others think are too dissimilar to have any connections).
I wear fewer masks than most, and it is obvious. I get comments all the time about how authentic I am, and how people think it’s great that I am myself. Yet, these same people won’t invite me to hang out, or be a part of their groups. Sometimes, they seem uncomfortable with me. I’m a nice person. I am kind, understanding, and not very judgmental. I get treated like I’m some kind of weirdo who might do something inappropriate if they let their guard down. I’m not saying I 100% never do anything wrong, but nobody is 100%, or they assume what I’m doing is for nefarious reasons when it is not. Yes, I do have people in my life who enjoy my company, and haven’t formed those wrong opinions, but those types seem to be in the minority. Society as a whole likes to say they embrace being who they are, but their actions show otherwise. George Carlin said something along the lines of “People say they want honesty until you give it to them. Then, you’re a jerk.” I have found that to be very true.
Christian Mai Rodrigues says
Hi. I needed to read something like this today. Thank you for writing and making available your articles for everyone!
Marie says
I’m so grateful to be able to share and also hear other people’s experiences here. It helps me immensely to refocus. At 62 I am just discovering who I am & what makes me happy, after a lifetime of trying to be the person my sisters wanted & needed me to be for them. Since setting some boundaries, politely saying no to the things I never enjoyed doing, I feel the negative vibes, put downs & disrespect. I can’t carry on being who I’m not and I can’t keep apologizing for it.
Anyway with my daily dose of Marc & Angel (bless you), I will refocus and keep moving forward, again & again & again.
Thank you, with love.
Ashraf says
This was a great read. Thank you.
Maddie says
I needed this today….thank you!
You guys are the best, and I just bought one of your books so I can keep on being positive and teachable!
God bless you both and all your readers!
Richard Kina says
Perfect timing. All points that I know and it NEVER hurts to hear again & again.
This really did hit home and will definitely make think about it again & again.
Jude says
I feel this essay was written just for me. Thank you.
David Cleroux says
“Owning your truth is hard, but not nearly as hard as spending a lifetime running away from it.” It looks like a great measure of truth and honesty are required to achieve what is really meaningful to me, and also makes me vulnerable; truth makes us free and honesty makes us acceptable. I think this is what is speaking to me most here today. I go through the day endeavoring to reach an acceptable standard to others, and now it a mater of being honest to others about it. A really encouraging essay by the way. Thanks so much. Now I hope that I can live up to it. Hugs.
Jane Bronsky says
I have lost sight of myself and am finding it hard to deal with aging. I’ve had a mostly good life but have difficulty being alone and deciding what to do with so much time on my hands with no particular purpose. I like your idea about people not being able to do and be everything. I guess the perfectionism in me makes me hard on myself. Feeling down plagues me due to genetics so it is hard to stay positive sometimes. Your article helped thanks.
Betty says
I really enjoyed this essay and found it very informative. Hopefully, as a writer you realize exactly what a great gift of insight into people and things you have. My further opinion is that you should write fictional stories on topics 4 and 5, especially — write for both teens and adults (if you have time!). Would love to read your innovative creations.
Poorva says
I love the concept of learning and believing.
I want to focus on this growth mindset.
Susan says
Beautiful words, glad i found you both as others have said. It’s hard at times to stay true to oneself, especially if one has lost sight of who that is. And life is tough for so many in so many ways. Journalling, will start again. Thank you.
Katherine says
Thank you for sharing this.
Gioms says
Wow, such an amazing article!
Richard Kina says
It’s all about your choices. Don’t be afraid to make them.
It’s up to YOU to see this through.