When you try to control too much, you enjoy too little.
This morning I met up with an old friend, someone whom I care about deeply but have internally struggled with for years because I’ve always been worried about her health.
I want to help her heal, because I feel I’m losing her.
I want to teach her the time-tested tools for living a happier, simpler, healthier life that I’ve helped so many other people with — so she can give up her addictions, take up exercise and mindfulness, nurture her needs, and be transformed into a healthy person again.
But that’s not reality. I want to control something that frightens me, but I can’t do anything about it. Because I’m not in control of anyone but myself. I want to help my friend, but she’s not interested in being helped. She has actually told me so a dozen times in the past.
So today, I let go.
Not “let go” as in “let her go.” I “let go” as in I stopped trying to control, stopped trying to change her, and instead took a deep breath and accepted her for exactly who she is.
And guess what? Who she is… is a blessing. Who she is… is someone so ridiculously special and unique I have a hard time expressing it. She’s hilarious and passionate and compassionate and wise and wild and thoughtful and loyal… and did I mention wild?
I let go and accepted her as she is, and only then could I actually enjoy all of her, instead of worrying about losing her or changing her ways.
And this, I’ve learned, is the best way to be in all walks of life.
We can stop trying to change and control people, and just let go and dissolve into their presence… just notice who they are, just appreciate every idiosyncratic quirk. We can stop complaining about our everyday life circumstances, about our little frustrations, about how the world is, and just lean in and accept what is…
Of course, that’s all easier said than done sometimes, but here’s what we receive in life when we do:
1. We gradually fall in love with people for who they truly are.
It’s OK to disagree with the thoughts or opinions expressed by those you love. But that doesn’t give you the right to deny any sense they might make. Nor does it give you a right to accuse them of poorly expressing their beliefs just because you don’t like what they’re saying. Learn to recognize interesting perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable.
Truth be told, we don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do; and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them amazing.
Love is about letting those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who we think they should be.
2. We grow beyond life’s perpetual misunderstandings.
How often have you been misunderstood? How often has the direction of your life been shaped by such misunderstandings?
Think about it. How many opportunities have you been denied — or, for that matter, been granted — because someone failed to understand you completely? How many friends have you lost, and how many have you gained, because they saw a glimpse of some part of your personality that shone through for only a short time?
How often has your life been driven by misunderstandings and illusions — like someone seeing mirages of water shimmering at the far bend of a highway, and then vanishing moments later? And how often have these misunderstandings and illusions disappointed you or stressed you out because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you?
The truth is, people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not.
It’s time to let go of trying to control how everyone perceives you.
It’s time to just do the best you can.
3. We get to enjoy more of the peace that’s already within us.
The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.”
The bottom line is that how people react to events is determined predominantly by their view of the events, not the events themselves. On the average day, somewhere within us all there exists a self who is at peace. Because on most days inner peace does not depend on external conditions — it’s what remains when we have surrendered. The need for something to be different in this moment is nothing more than a needless worry, and worries like this simply lead us in circles.
Peace of mind arrives almost anyplace and anytime, the moment you come to peace with what’s on your mind. And that only happens when you let go of the need for things to be different than they are. (Read “Loving What Is”.)
4. We learn more about how life really works.
When you attempt to control the uncontrollable you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. So here’s a simple challenge for you: Instead of trying to make things work exactly the way you want them to work, just watch them work today.
I bet you’ll learn much more about human nature and the inner workings of the world around you. As you see things working without you controlling them, the way you see what you see will gradually change. Because you will gradually change. You will begin to understand that things are often a little different than you wanted them to be. And that it’s perfectly OK, because that’s reality.
5. We experience more of life’s pleasant surprises.
Would you really want to be in 100% control of everything, and know your future every step of the way?
If you’re thinking “yes,” think again. Not knowing is one of life’s greatest gifts.
Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and magnificent surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful. When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some tune that surprises you and moves you to the point of tears.
Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? I’m betting not.
So just keep reminding yourself that no matter what happens, no matter the outcome, the sun will rise and set. The world around you is going to spin one way or the other. And there’s no good reason to resist life blessing you in surprising and joyful ways.
6. We free our minds from excess worries.
Let’s think about this again…
What if, instead of pushing so hard to make life happen every second, you decided to let go a little and allow life to happen to you sometimes?
What if, instead of trying to be in constant control, you simply surrendered control to something bigger than yourself?
What if, instead of working so hard to figure out every last answer, you allowed yourself to be guided to the solution in perfect timing?
Yes, you can train your mind to let go, moment by moment. Your your graceful acceptance of life is a choice. And your long-term peace of mind depends on it.
7. We get more of what we want (by doing less).
“If you want to control your animals, give them a larger pasture.” This is a quote I heard at a meditation retreat several years ago in a group discussion focused on the power of changing your thoughts.
I see “the animals” and their “larger pasture” as a form of letting go and allowing things to be the way they are — instead of trying to tightly control something (farm animals mooing and horsing around for example), you’re loosening up, giving them more space to roam… a larger pasture. The animals will be happier — they will roam around and do what they naturally do. And your needs will be met too — you will have more space (away from them) to be at peace with the way the animals are.
This same philosophy holds true for many aspects of life — stepping back and allowing certain things to happen means these things will take care of themselves, and your needs will also be met. You will have less stress (and less to do), and more time and energy to work on the things you actually can control, like your attitude about everything. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in detail in the Simplicity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
Remember, the mind is the battleground.
The mind the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never did happen. It’s where your expectations always get the best of you. It’s where you fall victim to your cravings to control the uncontrollable. And if you allow those thoughts and cravings to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life. You will think yourself into frustration, into a breakdown, and into defeat.
Truthfully, there’s so much about life that you can’t control, it makes no sense waste your energy on these things and then neglect everything you can control.
You can decide how you spend your time, whom you socialize with, whom you share your life, money and energy with. You can choose to love and appreciate the people in your life for exactly who they are. You can choose how you’re going to respond to life’s surprises and disappointments when they arise, and whether you will see them as curses or opportunities for growth… And perhaps most importantly, you can choose to let go when you must.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to practice letting go today…
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
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J.J. says
My present life experience is very close to what you have described here. Trying to control too much has held me back in several areas. We all need to let go and let more things happen naturally. Terribly tough to adhere to sometimes, but extremely liberating! When we are furiously running on a treadmill of stubbornness, we often miss out a lot of amazing scenery. Your course has been helping me let go and refocus on what’s truly important. It is a gradual process, and I’m getting closer. Thank you again for all the guidance.
Heather-Anne says
Great article, yes I try to control my life, but slowly learning to let go, I have recently retired and it is definitely a learning curve to to loosen up and just be
I found d your articles very helpful and will carry on reading them.
Meg says
Angel and Marc, what resonated the most about this post is choosing to let go and not struggle or resist life so much, to simply loosen up trying to control or plan every little thing (especially my relationships), and to trust in the universe a little more. This article, like your books and weekly emails, has given me calming perspective today. I’m finding my way to a clearer mind, day by day, with your guidance.
Noreen says
A good reminder for me today. I struggle to control employees work ethics since I have a very strong work ethics, but found out that I cannot do that. People are going to be who they are and so I just need to let go. I am learning slowly that I just need to step back breath and be who I am and not try and let everyone be exactly like me.
Linda P says
I unfortunately had to learn this lesson of letting go and not being in control of many things in my life when my beloved husband Dave at sixty came home from work and expressed he was feeling like he was coming down with a cold and wanted to just go to bed. I went and laid down beside him and woke up hearing him take his last breathe on this earth. I was 48 at the time and was not prepared for this to happen never imaging something like this happening to us. I have struggled trying to find my direction in life and get back to living. They say time heals all but I’m not so sure. There has not been a day or night that I haven’t missed him and what we were building as a living couple. Letting go of him has been the hardest life lesson I have had on my journey, and although I’ve made progress, I am very much still on the journey.
Myra Craig says
May you find some kind of meaning out of your grief journey, Linda.
Petra says
Letting go is my greatest ongoing battle I think, so I enjoyed this one. My controlling tendencies often ruin my peace of mind and my relationship with my adult kids. I resonated the most with the final three points especially. Thank you for the much needed perspective.
Ronald Hochhauser says
Mine too Petra! The article sure hits home! Thank you for responding and thanks to Marc & Angel!
Revena J says
Another insightful post. This was a huge lesson I had to learn as I constantly fought to control various situations around me during a tough separation. But the moment I let go everything began to fall into place. Most importantly, I regained my peace of mind. I am in a much better place now emotionally& mentally. It is true when you stop trying to control things around you the beauty of life begins to unfold. Keep up the good work! *avid reader from Jamaica*
MJH says
I have just discovered you guys & I am enjoying what I am reading. It is hard though when you are in the midst of tourmoil to “not try to control” the outcome of a situation. I’m in the end of a 17 yr marriage w/ 3 children & an ex who has already found his apparent “soulmate”. So, it’s hard not to want to have control of everything around me that is spinning out of control.
Mary says
It was so freeing to divorce my husband who did not want to spend time with me or the kids. I was thankful for the new girlfriend as it meant I did not have to reconcile. It is hard now, but things will settle and you and the kids will find your way. (Insist on life insurance that he carries for you until the kids are adults)
D says
The mind is definitely the battlefield. And how we treat everything that comes to mind is a matter of discernment. Many things that you’ve mentioned here I’ve also experienced… I simply hadn’t put a label on it, and I’m very grateful that you have. When we feel hindered or disturbed it’s a matter of how we see things, our opinions and not so much a matter of what or how it’s presented. I’ve gotten to read a lot of good materials along that line. Our inner peace doesn’t depend on external conditions.
Letting go moment by moment, gracefully accepting what comes and learning to cope with it, does indeed make for a happier life. I’ll simply leave it at that for now. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.
Wende West says
Your comments about inner peace were so well expressed that I had to take a screen shot – I hope you don’t mind- to reread this when I tend to go astray.
In appreciation .
Wende
Thabile says
Surrender empowers, thank you so much for all the resources you provide. They’ve changed my life in subtle but needed ways over the past few months.
Karen says
At 78 I fully agree. The illusion of control is futility. Letting go of the need to control everything, though difficult, brings peace of mind. I choose peace!
Yesterday, I discovered you and I took the time to read and reflect on a few of your posts! They are insightful, refreshing and encouraging. You have quite a gift and I thank you for being committed to helping others. Can’t wait to read more!
alec says
My girlfriend and I broke up, and I always thought we would work things out. She started dating another guy and I lost my mind. I tried desperately to control the situation. It only drove her away. Slowly, she and I started to reconnect. One night she came over and we had a nice reunion (nothing dirty, just intimate and sincere.)
The next day she was going to tell the guy that it was over. It turned into my worst nightmare. She had a long three hour conversation that ended in lots of tears, and she decided that she wasn’t going to date anybody until she sorted out her feelings.
She and I haven’t spoken much, but she has remained friends with the other guy. I keep falling into old habits of trying control her feelings so we can get back together. It’s helped push me into self improvement. But, I still struggle with letting events unfold as they were meant to. Taking it one day at a time right now..
Enock Frankz says
There is always something practical and useful whenever I read through your articles. The opening of this one reminds me to go easier on my mom, who is that person in my life. Keep up the good work.
Curtis A Danekas says
My favorite lines in this post:
“The mind, the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never did happen. It’s where your expectations always get the best of you. It’s where you fall victim to your cravings to control the uncontrollable.”
My experience with people who need to control things is out of “fear” in their minds of the “predicted” outcome. I’ve always been a “Why? questioner, and almost without exception, the person I ask this question to regarding their “why” won’t truthfully answer the question because they don’t know, because it’s just a feeling, or deem the answer will seem extremely “weird”. If they do answer, then they have to actually take responsibility for those perceived outcomes if they can’t control someone or something.
Carol says
I “mothered” my only sibling when what he really needed was an accepting sister. His addictions brought pain and suffering to our family and I thought it was my job to change him, to fix him. Now my oldest grandchild is apathetic and aimless and I am determined to love, accept and be supportive of him because I know I can’t change (or fix) anyone but myself. Thanks, Marc & Angel for your wise words!
Jo says
For me, the power in this article comes from the notion of bringing my thoughts back to my self. Where your writing began is exactly where I was in the moment that I started to read – trapped in my version of how things should be rather than how they are. As a result, I blamed others for not living up to my expectations, MY world view and the structure that has come into being as a result of MY lived experience. Now it’s for me to ask of myself ‘can I live with these differences or should I honour both myself and the other person and walk away?’
Richard Kina says
Very good article. I find I can let things go but there’s that “void” that says now what and the fear that I may have gone too far. It opens up a new area that raises the same old fears and doubts that I thouht I just got over.
Still alone and still looking for answers.
Jenniffer says
I’m delighted to come across this inspiring information. Control is my greatest weakness. I will try to let life flows and accept my loved ones without trying to change them. Much appreciated.
Mary says
I helped a friend whose mother passed after years of caregiving. Soon enough we had gotten through most things, just five more things, so three weeks ahead, we made plans for a couple hours over several days. This included getting my husband on board to hook up electronics. The day before we started she cancelled all. I was annoyed because she had done this before. But this was huge because I had honored her boundaries and she had agreed. I had to come to terms and recognize that she has chosen her life to be the way it is. I have not offered anything again. If she asks, I will. She does recognize that she was thoughtless and has issues. She is 69 and will not, and maybe does not need to change her desire to wait indefinitely, perhaps to have some things undone for the future. I have cut back on other volunteerism as well to manage my own life.
Nancy Alt says
Thanks for the beautiful reminder. If people are not open to your “help”, you have to embrace that and “let it go”. They are in charge of their own destiny. Just love them through it all.
David Cleroux says
“On the average day, somewhere within us all there exists a self who is at peace. Because on most days inner peace does not depend on external conditions — it’s what remains when we have surrendered.”
“Peace of mind arrives almost anyplace and anytime, the moment you come to peace with what’s on your mind.” “Truthfully, there’s so much about life that you can’t control, it makes no sense waste your energy on these things and then neglect everything you can control.” Exactly right. What matters most, is where your focus is in times of need. Great insight. Thanks. Hugs.
Lalith says
it’s a beautiful idea. Something that we know but got reinforced through this article.
Very useful and helpful.
Keep the good stuff rolling.
Michael M Flores says
Loved the article it was truly amazing! Thank you!!