We ultimately become what we habitually do. If your daily habits aren’t moving you forward, they are holding you back. Here are four widespread examples of the latter that often drain people of their true potential, day after day, and some strategies for turning things around if you’re currently stuck in that cycle…
1. Most of us hold on too tight for too long.
Twenty years ago, when Marc and I were just undergrads in college, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we’ve never forgotten. On the last day of class before graduation, she walked up on stage to teach one final lesson, which she called “a vital lesson on the power of perspective and mindset.” As she raised a glass of water over her head, everyone expected her to mention the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” metaphor. Instead, with a smile on her face, our professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”
Students shouted out answers ranging from a couple of ounces to a couple of pounds.
After a few moments of fielding answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass is irrelevant. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the absolute weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”
As most of us students nodded our heads in agreement, she continued. “Your worries, frustrations, disappointments, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a little while and nothing drastic happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to feel noticeable pain. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed, incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”
Think about how this relates to your life and your recent endeavors over the past year or so.
If you’ve been struggling to cope with the weight of what’s on your mind, it’s a strong sign it’s time to let go and put the figurative glass down.
2. Most of us try to control everything.
We must remind ourselves that we can’t calm life’s storms. What we can do is calm ourselves, and the storms will eventually pass. The most powerful and practical changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we don’t.
So be honest with yourself: How often did you aim for full control this past year?
It’s OK. But it’s time for a release…
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are… so you can find inner calmness, and be on your way. This is the foundation of what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
3. Most of us tell ourselves stories.
Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we simply took the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” A wonderful way to do this is by using a reframing tool we initially picked up from research professor Brene Brown, which we then tailored through our coaching work with students and live event attendees. We call the tool The story I’m telling myself. Although asking the question itself—“What else could this mean?”—can help reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase The story I’m telling myself as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created many “aha moments” for our students and clients in recent times.
Here’s how it works: The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you. For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase: The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.
Then ask yourself these questions:
- Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other possibility that might also be true?
Challenge yourself to think better on a daily basis — to challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset.
4. Most of us say yes too often.
We all have ongoing opportunities and obligations, but a healthy and productive routine can only be found in the long run by properly managing your yeses. And yes, sometimes you have to say “no” to really good opportunities and obligations. You can’t always be agreeable — that’s how people take advantage of you. And that’s how you end up taking advantage of yourself too. You have to set clear boundaries!
You might have to say no to certain favors, work projects, community associations, volunteer groups… coaching your kid’s sports teams, or some other seemingly worthwhile activity. I know what you’re thinking: it seems unfair to say no when these are very worthwhile things to do — it pains you to say no! But you must, because the alternative is that you’re going to do a half-baked, poor job at each one, be stressed out, feel like you’re stuck in an endless cycle of busyness, and eventually you’ll reach a breaking point.
Truth be told, the main thing that keeps so many of us stuck in a debilitating cycle of overwhelm is the fantasy in our minds that we can be everything to everyone, everywhere at once, and a hero on all fronts. But again, that’s not reality. The reality is you’re not Superman or Wonder Woman — you’re human and you have limits. So you have to let go of that idea of doing everything, pleasing everyone, and being everywhere.
In the end, you’re either going to do a few things well, or everything poorly. That’s the truth.
A four-step exercise for building better habits:
If you feel like your daily habits have held you back in recent times, this actionable closing exercise is for YOU.
Choose any area in your life that you want to improve, and then:
- Write down the specific details about your current circumstances. (What’s bothering you? Where are you stuck? What do you want to change?)
- Write down your answer to this question: What are the daily habits that have contributed to your current circumstances? (Be honest with yourself. What are you doing regularly that actually contributes to the situation you’re in?)
- Write down a few specific details about the “better circumstances” you’d like to create for yourself. (What would make you feel good? What does an improved situation look like for you?)
- Write down your answer to this question: What are the (new) daily habits that will get you from where you are to where you want to be? (Think about it. What small, daily steps will help you gradually move forward from point A to point B?)
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to not fall back into your old regrettable habits and patterns of living simply because they’re more comfortable and easier to access. It’s your turn to remember that you’re changing certain habits and patterns for a reason: to improve your life and make the very best of what’s ahead — because you can’t move forward if you keep falling back.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Kelly Lovell-Taylor says
This post was a spotlight on and a reminder of what I’ve been holding onto and what’s been holding me back. The exercise is also a good tool and motivator to help me move forward as I progress through a rather tough time I’ve been going through lately.
Thank you for sharing your insights — as always, they continue to be a huge support system.
Maureen C. Kalb says
Love the idea of letting other people “breathe.” I took that to mean, in my life, to let other people be themselves. I don’t want to change or control another, and this is a good reminder to let people be totally themselves. Thank you Marc and Angel!
Janet says
Namaste. Loved it!
Plain and simple…
Cindy says
All of the points are very important and I appreciate the reminders! For me, point 2 on letting things breathe resonates the most and reminds me to let go and be grateful for my everyday blessings — something I struggle with frequently for sure. At a very young age I had a condition that left me childless. However, I am alive and can share in the joy of my nieces, nephews and others’ children and grandchildren. Through this early disappointment, I discovered the role of “special” aunt, neighbor, co-worker, etc. I admit, some days I forget I have a special role in children and young peoples’ lives. Thank you for reiterating there truly is a miracle in life’s tragedies.
Kayle says
Thank you for giving me so much hope and peace recently, and for making your writings free. I was enrolled in a paid program last year that provided a lot less practical instruction than you provide here for free every week. You have helped me in ways you don’t even know. Thank you so much, Marc and Angel. You are in my thoughts.
Janne Brown says
Thank you Marc and Angel! I love your emails!! This one, especially! I’ve been a worrier all my life, and this will help me to relax, not worry, and help me let go and put that glass down on the daily.
GJ says
The longer you hold a glass of water the heavier it gets.
What a great lesson for so much in life!
I’m going to refer back to all of these.
Thank you for the wise words.
Lou says
I resonate with all of them. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to be Superman, and then get tired and overwhelmed…I need to change, that thanks for reminding me I’m only human and can let some things go. I carry way too much baggage with me, and I can see ways of removing some of it almost immediately.
Tiarus Brown says
Marc and Angel, thank you for sharing! I am a firm believer that certain things don’t happen by coincidence and perfect timing does exist, and I always receive your emails right on time! The ones that resonate with me the most are 2-4. Lately, I have had a few setbacks which have really taken toll on me in more ways than one. I have been stuck in my head with negative thoughts, uncertainty which has caused me even more stress and anxiety. I don’t know why I have allowed myself to feel like this knowing I am blessed and have so much to be thankful for as well as having gone through worse and I am still here standing!
It is critical for me to be more mindful of my breathing and telling myself I can’t control the storms, I can only control my mindset about them and the way I react when they arrive! Thankful for a new day and opportunity to get things in alignment!
LJ says
Numbers 1 – 3 resonate with me the most. I have struggle with drastic changes in my life over the last several months…and an uncertain future.
I’m so glad I signed up to receive your insight. Thank you.
Lynn says
Simply spot on! This is a very powerful post – both the story in the first one and all reminders. I’ve saved them to review when I need that little pick me up. Amazing how they apply to people of all ages, in nearly all circumstances. They are particularly appropriate as our traditions change and we find ourselves getting older here on the voyage. Thanks for sharing! -Lynn
NANETTE says
Thank You so so much Marc and Angel… I am going to keep this to re-read it several more times as a reminder to get my habits in order in the weeks ahead. The story about holding our thoughts for too long is something I know I’ve done almost every single day. Lot’s to work on here.
Donna says
I really enjoyed this article. I needed to hear these things. I know these things, but lately, like the last year roughly, I have just gotten of track. I feel like the very fact that this article was on at the top of my list of daily news/articles is a sign that I am finally finding my true self again and getting things back on track. Weighing myself down with unhelpful and stressful thoughts resonated with me the most. So grateful for seeing, reading this article this morning and looking forward to more. Thank you!
Nan says
Love it. Gave methods for actually dealing with what I I would call our mindset/negative thinking. I love the phrase reminder “the story I’m telling myself”. Sometimes we are too critical of ourself and those thought we put in our head only multiply and consume us. Thanks for sharing all of these techniques.
Kevin says
Like the other commenters before me have said, this is wonderful. I am grateful for your weekly emails. And I’m also using your journal right now for my morning self-reflection practice, which has been going well for the past three weeks.
Jimmy Felix says
Number 4.. This one hit me. I’ve got this habit too — not because I’m hungry for claps or likes, but because it’s an impulse. I give my time, I put their needs before mine.
But here’s the devastating part: the moment you draw a line, the moment you finally say no, you get accused of being selfish. As if all the times you gave never counted.
You stay strong outside, but inside something breaks. That’s when you learn the truth — boundaries aren’t selfish. Boundaries are survival.
John Hardy Hardy says
Great points, Angel. Normally this would be just another one of your newsletters that I read daily, but with a significant change in my life this year, I can comment on this one. Number 2 is the one that is hitting home- I lost my mother to cancer a couple of months ago and I would like to have been able to control its spread so that she could still be with us. Whatever you can control, you definitely should and just surrender to what you cannot.
David Cleroux says
I find your essays great to read. There’s always something to think about and meditate on. “There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them”… just the thought of that quote is relaxing. No rush, no pressure, no going faster than God Himself. Just simple meditation and acknowledgement to things that will need to get done without having to be held in with bit and bridle. “In the end, you’re either going to do a few things well, or everything poorly. That’s the truth.” Right! Thanks and Hugs
Marie says
Thank you. I constantly feel guilty for not going along with what everyone else wants to do, for being happy when others are suffering. I’ve had my own struggles, pain & misfortune in life & always try to learn from them. Your message for me today reminds me I don’t have to carry this guilt. I know life will bring more struggles but it’s ok to be happy now.
Love to you. X
Jai says
Very good read.. succinctly put.
John P Dwyer says
Great essay ! The metaphor in number one about holding onto things too long was brilliant. Though I think I’ve improved in this area, I will definitely try to pass that example to my kids and check myself more often. Also, the action items are practical and easy to implement. This is one of the best self reflection and practical help essays that I have read
STEPHEN L MOCULESKI says
I really enjoy your readings. THANKS.
Col Ashish , Military Veteran says
Excellent ,intrinsic insights into the aspects ,emotions and sentiments in life that are roadblocks into living life kingsize optimally , holistically and more happily. Thank you very much, these aspects were not known to disturb heavy the breathing easy into life jiurmey(s).
Look forward to more and more life quality and happiness enhancing nuances point blanc!