Love is great when spoken, but greatest when shown. Do little things daily to show your loved ones you care.
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on a park bench in the early afternoon when an elderly couple pulled their car up under a nearby oak tree. They rolled down the windows and turned up some jazz music on the car stereo. Then the man got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, opened the door for the woman, took her hand and guided her about ten feet away from the car, and they slow danced to a song under the oak tree. It was such a beautiful moment to witness.
This morning when I opened my laptop to write, the elderly couple immediately came to mind. I spent a few minutes daydreaming about them, wondering how long they had been together and what their best relationship advice would be. And just as I caught my mind wandering even further off, a new email from a reader named Cory popped up in my inbox. The first line of the email was a question: “Any good old-fashioned advice for strengthening our relationships?”
The synchronicity of my daydreaming and Cory’s question made me smile. So in honor of that beautiful elderly couple, and in service of Cory’s relationship inquiry, here are some good old-fashioned habits we can practice bringing back into our relationships today:
1. Spend quality time together with no major agenda and no technology.
Put down the smart phone, close the laptop and enjoy each other’s company, face to face the old fashioned way. There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a genuine laugh, a long walk, a friendly dance, or a big hug shared by two people who care about each other. Sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary just by doing them with the right people. So choose to be around these people, and choose to make the most of your time together.
Don’t wait to make big plans either. Make your undistracted time together the plan. Communicate openly on a regular basis. Get together in the flesh as often as possible. Not because it’s convenient to do so, but because you know each other are worth the extra effort.
2. Be fully present when you’re in the presence of others.
One of the best feelings in the world is knowing your presence and absence both mean something to someone. And the only way to let your loved ones know this, is to show them when you’re with them. In your relationships and interactions with others, nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention — your full presence. Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.
So keep in mind that your friends and family are too beautiful to ignore. Give them the gift of YOU today — your time, undivided attention, and kindness. That’s better than any other gift, it won’t break or get lost, and will always be remembered. (Read “A Return to Love”.)
3. Express your sincere appreciation for loved ones every chance you get.
No matter how sure you are of someone’s appreciation and admiration, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. So if you appreciate someone today, tell them. Just because they are super reliable and always there when you need them, doesn’t mean you should fail to give thanks and appreciation on a regular basis. To value someone too lightly is to risk missing the depth of their goodness before they’re gone.
Sadly, it is often only when we are tragically reminded of how short life is — when someone we love dies — that we start to appreciate the importance of expressing our love openly. Let this lesson sink in now. Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell the people you love how much you appreciate them.
4. Work together and help each other grow.
There is no soul mate or best friend out there who will solve all your problems. There is no love at first sight that lasts without work and commitment. There are, however, people out there worth fighting for. Not because they’re perfect, but because they’re imperfect in all the ways that are right for you — you compliment each other’s flaws in a way that allows your souls to unite and operate more efficiently as one…
You will know when you meet one of these people, when through them you meet the very best in yourself.
5. Focus on inner beauty.
When you get to really know someone, most of their prominent physical characteristics vanish in your mind. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize their scent, and appreciate their wit. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell.
That’s why you can’t fall in love with physical beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, or want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body for a little while, but not your heart in the long-term. Thus, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, most physical imperfections become irrelevant.
6. Tell the truth.
Too many prefer gentle lies to hard truths. But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. And lying is a cumulative process too, so be careful…
What starts as a small, seemingly innocent lie (possibly even with the intention of not hurting anyone) quickly spirals into an mounting false reality. We lie to one another, but even more so we lie to ourselves most often to protect our oh-so-fragile ego. We may even be inclined to lie to ourselves while reading this, not wanting to admit how often we have eluded the truth. (Read “The Four Agreements”.)
7. Apologize when you know you should.
Take personal responsibility for your wrong doings. If you know your actions or words have hurt someone you care about, immediately admit your faults and face the reality of your actions. Sincere apologies are the super glue of lasting relationships.
And do make sure your apology is sincere too. Say it and mean it. Don’t bother apologizing if you’re just going to continue doing the things you said sorry for. Never ruin an apology with an excuse. Excuses are not apologies.
8. Work out your relationship issues with each other, not with others.
This may seem obvious, but these days it’s worth mentioning: Don’t post negatively about a loved one on social media. 14-year-old school kids post negatively about their boyfriends, girlfriends, and friends on social media. It’s a catty way to get attention and vent, when the emotionally healthy response is to talk your grievances over with them directly when the time is right.
Furthermore, relationships don’t always make perfect sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you. If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM first and foremost. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
9. Be a force of positivity and encouragement.
Elevate your inner game. A negative attitude is way below your horizon!
Our way of thinking creates good or bad outcomes. It makes a big difference in your life and the lives around you when you stay reasonably focused on the positive. And remember, being positive does not mean ignoring the negative — being positive means overcoming the negative. There is a big difference between the two.
So encourage the best possible results with your thoughts, words, and deeds every chance you get. And teach this philosophy to those around you too. Help them see the light.
10. Over-deliver on your promises.
Be committed. Commitment means staying devoted, and keeping your promises long after the time and mood you made the promises in has left you. Doing so is vital to your relationships and long-term success in every imaginable walk of life.
In other words, don’t just say it, show it. Don’t just promise it, prove it. Over-deliver on all your promises! Supply more than what’s required. Or as Anne Frank once said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.” Whenever you can, go out of your way and do something nice and unexpected for the people in your life, especially those who are in no position to repay you anytime soon.
11. Be loyal.
Stand by those you care about in their darkest moments, not because you want to stand in the dark, but because you don’t want them to either. Brave the shadows alongside them until they’re able to find the light. On the flip-side, stand by these same people on their sunniest days, not because you want to scorch your skin, but because you’re not afraid to let them shine bright.
Bottom line: Be loyal. Remaining faithful in your relationships is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty means the world to the people who love you. When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down. You can’t promise to be there for someone for the rest of their life, but you can sincerely be there for them for the rest of yours.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to reflect on the relationship habits above and practice them. It’s time to fully embrace the fact that as you grow older and wiser, your wish list for things gets smaller and smaller, because the things you really want and need — time, genuine relationships, meaningful moments, and peace of mind — can’t be bought. So do your best to connect with the people you love the good old-fashioned way, and bring more meaning into your life, starting today.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this article. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the relationship habits or points above resonated the most today?
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Winnie says
That was beautiful advice for our relationships in general, Angel and Marc. Even at 79, I am inspired by this pose. Thank you!
Karen D Myers says
Amen, Winnie! Me too! Absolutely inspirational for me at nearly 72.
Diane Whittle says
I liked this article and agree with it. I have been married 49 years to the same man and I can unreservedly say that there’s so much truth in there. Here’s one I would add: enjoy new things together. Shared new experiences are important to keep the relationship fresh and keep it from getting hum drum or stale, especially later in life.
Anya says
Truly touched by what you wrote.
Barbara Regenspan says
I’m 73. My David and I have been mostly happily married for 42 years and this post feels both accurate and affirming. I’d add both that learning to accept one another’s differences and feeding one another’s sense of humor are also very important. One aspect of our marriage that makes it work, but also creates challenges, is my need for more social interaction and activity, while David is a “still waters run deep” man. Lightness and humor from both of us short circuit anger about my wish for a more effusive response on occasion and allow me to affirm my own self-loving capacity.
Fonda A. Rist says
At 82, my husband and I are grateful for still being in each other’s lives. Love, given unconditionally, is at times challenging, but necessary for long-term relationships to survive.
Ash Papali says
Thank you for this article. It is a good reminder that we shouldn’t take things for granted. Keeping relationships alive and current is key to deep fulfillment. The present day scenario does tend to make us slip into interactions that tend to be for the moment and can seem cavalier. However, we feel the effects immediately. The lack of depth in our dealings with each other bring dissatisfaction and a sense of loneliness. As a woman who is just 64 and married for 42 years, I am more sensitive to this fact. The reminders in this article are good to keep in mind and easy to follow. Simple remedies can make our love whole again. So, thank you for the well written advice. Blessings to you all.
Dawn Hasen says
Your article was beautifully written and though it was written with couples in mind, it could very well be applied to any relationship one might have. The one that resonated with me was about physical looks and how relatively unimportant they become over time. That’s something I’m beginning to realize in my mid-50’s.
Marcy says
Totally agree, I’m planning on forwarding this to my daughters too.
Griff says
Teared up, so true, 67 with cancer here, no cure.
Future unknown, have prioritized what are the most important things to me for the time I have left.
Caroline says
May the rest of that time you have left be filled with love
Joan Harrington says
Great read! Time is the most precious gift we can give to anybody. It can be difficult to give or get it in this busy world. Also, it is something we are all running out of, and something to keep in mind daily.
Lynne says
I agree, time ran out for my husband and I. He recently passed, however we did all those old fashioned things, for many decades straight.
Patty says
I am 72 years old and lost my husband a year and a half ago. He was (still is) the love of my life. This advice is wonderful. Thank you. I hope many will take this to heart – as once gone, as you said, is when you really realize how lucky you were to have your partner in your life. He was much better at doing the little things you mention. He would want to dance in the rain, he would bring me coffee in bed, he would plan little surprises, he would write me loving notes, he would call me just to say “I love you”, he would tell me how sitting down in the afternoon sharing about our day or reminiscing was the best part of his day. I was a lucky lady. I wish I was as good as he was – because it is those things that created the wonderful memories that I cherish today. I miss him so much but he still makes me laugh when I remember the caring and humor he brought to my life.
Thank you for sharing these reminders.
Ch. L. says
I appreciate this post because it resonates deeply with my “old soul”. I am in my mid-30s and recently experienced a breakup. This article highlighted many components that are valued by me. However, my recent partner did not reciprocate those values. I tried my best to work through it but nothing was ever enough despite my efforts. The challenge was two-fold: (1) I needed to work on my truth telling (with myself and to her) and (2) I needed someone who embraced or saw the worth in these values. These values are most important: quality time, appreciation, loyalty, and collaboration. This article reinforced that these values were not honored which complicated the experience. I fell short in meeting all the needs of my partner, and I know I made valiant efforts. I don’t think my values were truly considered. I don’t think there needs to be a “match” because that borders perfection. However, I do think there needs to be consideration of each other’s values and that was not something I can truly say was offered by my previous partner. Thank you for this article as it further affirmed truths that I need to lean into more.
D says
Hi again. With much appreciation, 3, 4, 5 are idealistically important and positive encouragement to me. Of course everything that you’ve written is very good counsel and I hope to work on it all in good time. I’m in my mid 70s and it may sound a little funny to you but I look forward to entering into a relationship with that type of depth. Where it’s a matter of being the right person and bringing a great measure of love & respect into the relationship. Thanks for the insight.
Jennifer says
Approaching 40 years of marriage later this summer, I can honestly say that the pointers from the article are spot-on if you desire a long lasting relationship. Unfortunately technology at our fingertips 24/7 has given people the opportunity to connect with others while pretending to connect with those they’re sitting with. The opportunity to reevaluate how we communicate with everyone is written in this article. If the disconnect from loved ones continues to fester through someone constantly being on technology due to FOMO (fear of missing out), even though warned, eventually the love may wilt and miss the greatest growth opportunity. What a shame! I sincerely hope my husband and I can recover from our disconnect, I’m going to forward this article to him today, ironically through technology!
As always: Thank you Marc and Angel!
Richard Kina says
Great article. Was married for 46 great years and EVERY DAY we lived, practiced, and re-invented ALL of the points you brought up. Our motto was, live together and love one each other. Whether going shopping together or out on a date night, we were there for each other.
Jill K Simpkins says
So good! Thank you! And God Bless
David Cleroux says
A tremendous essay on relationships, that was very meaningful for me. 4. Work together and help each other grow. … There are, however, people out there worth fighting for. Not because they’re perfect, but because they’re imperfect in all the ways that are right for you — you compliment each other’s flaws in a way that allows your souls to unite and operate more efficiently as one… You will know when you meet one of these people, when through them you meet the very best in yourself. When you get to really know someone, most of their prominent physical characteristics vanish in your mind. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize their scent, and appreciate their wit. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell.
Thus, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, most physical imperfections become irrelevant.
So true and encouraging. Thank you. Hugs!!
D says
This is a brilliant article with superb advice. Looking back at my last romantic relationship (which lasted ten years), I was very proficient in items 1-4, 7 & 9. However, I failed in items 5, 6, 8, 10 and 11. I have loved and lost many times in my long life, and will try to do better in my next romantic relationship. We are all “works in process” and it is never too late to learn and improve. Thanks for all you do!
Liz says
I love the article. I recently experienced a heartbreak that I didn’t think I would ever have to face. My husband of 46 years admitted to an eight year affair. I am absolutely devastated. Not only because of the betrayal, but because I still and always will, love him.
The afair has ended, of that I am positive. After months of praying and reflecting, tears and contemplation, a long with intense therapy, we are trying to work on it together. My heart still hurts , and will for the future. I am learning to accept what happened and forgive. He is a good man, and I know he loves me, but we didn’t do most of the things you mentioned in this article.
Live and learn. It’s a little late for me but take heed from my broken heart. Please let your loved one know what they mean to you. Spend time showing how much you care. Be present in the moment. You might not like that surprise ‘i need to tell you something ‘ talk later.
Amy Bright says
Hello to Patty who left a comment above. Sounds like.you were really fortunate to have such a wonderful partner! And it sounds like he was a great model of how to love another/ others! May you carry on those traits and share them with others and that way you’ll keep his memory alive while sowing those gifts and reaping the benefits for you and others!
Amy Bright says
Loved this article. While I don’t currently have one signicicant other, I easily recognize these as life-giving traits, whether in a one-on-one relationship, or with our other dear friends and family members. Thank you for the inspirational points!
Oluboyede Violet says
Wow!
Fantastic advice!! I am going to work hard on them!!!