One of the strongest signs of your growth is realizing you’re no longer holding on to the beliefs that once used to limit you.
I received a thank you email recently from a longtime reader and coaching client named Kevin (I’m writing about him today with permission). He said the work Marc and I do helped him and his wife maintain healthy mindsets as they struggled and grew through one of the most difficult periods of their lives. Certain sections of his email nearly moved me to tears:
“After injuring my back, losing my job because of it, being evicted from our apartment, moving in with my in-laws, nursing my five-year-old through a nearly fatal bout of pneumonia, I was stuck in a deep rut. And I was sitting on the front porch of my in-law’s house feeling sorry for myself one day, when my childhood best friend called me crying and said, ‘Mel-Mel-Melissa, my baby girl, was killed in a car wreck yesterday.’ And suddenly I felt like all my problems were so small…”
Kevin then went on to say, “It was the shock of Melissa’s tragic accident that motivated me to review several pages of notes I had previously taken from your books and our coaching sessions together. And this time it sunk in! It’s like a light bulb illuminated in my mind. In that moment I realized there were people who needed me to get back up, and infinite reasons and ways to do my very best with what I had. So I started challenging myself to let go of the self-limiting beliefs I had been holding on to, and then I took a step forward, and another, and another. And it’s been almost a year now, and I’m grateful I’ve made so much progress!”
If you can relate to Kevin’s situation in any way, and you’re feeling ready to make some progress, I want to remind you that today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can get yourself back on track!
But first you have to let of…
1. The belief that you have to be who you once were.
When times get tough, our worst battle is often between what we remember and what we presently feel. Thus, one of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make is when to stay put and struggle harder or when to take your memories and move on. Sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you are capable of being, and the person you truly are today.
In other words, you are not what happened. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again.
2. The belief that you have to be someone you aren’t.
Being kind to yourself in thoughts, words, and actions is just as important as being kind to others. Extend yourself this courtesy today. Love yourself — your real self. Work through your fears, your insecurities, and your anger (scream into the pillow and at therapy — not into the mirror, nor the people you care about — they don’t deserve it.) Instead of hurting yourself by hiding from your problems, help yourself grow beyond them. That’s what self-care is all about. It’s about facing the inner issues that make you believe that you are less than you are. It’s learning to see that you are already capable and beautiful. Not because you’re blind to your shortcomings, but because you know they have to be there to balance out your strengths.
3. The belief that you’ve already missed your chance.
When you stay stuck in regret of the life you think you should have had, you end up missing the beauty of what you do have. Not all the puzzle pieces of life will seem to fit together at first, but in time you’ll realize they do, almost perfectly. So thank the things that didn’t work out, because they just made room for the things that will. And thank the ones who walked away from you, because they just made room for the ones who won’t. As they say, every new beginning comes from another beginning’s end.
4. The belief that the negativity around you is your reality.
To be reasonably positive in negative times is not just foolish optimism. It’s well grounded by the fact that human history is a history not only of tragedy, but also of success, sacrifice, courage, kindness, and growth. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine how well we live. If we look only for the worst, it destroys our capacity to do our best work. But if we also remember those times and places — and there are many — in which people have behaved magnificently, and things have gone well, this gives us the inspiration and energy to push forward with great intention and grace…
And when we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to sit around waiting for some grandiose and perfect future to celebrate. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live right now in defiance of all the negativity around us is in itself an amazing victory. Yes, our lives are worth celebrating along the way, and life gets better and better when WE get better! So start investing in yourself mentally and physically. Make it a priority to learn and grow a little bit every day by building positive rituals and sticking to them. The stronger you grow and become, the better your life will feel in the long run.
5. The belief that everyone else has it easier than you.
Just because someone else can, doesn’t mean you can, right? Because you’re not good enough, or you’ve already missed your chance, or it’s just not in the cards for you. You look for reasons they can do it but you can’t…
- “Maybe he’s an internet entrepreneur and freelance writer because he has no kids.”
- “Maybe she’s way fitter than I am because she doesn’t have all the work and family obligations I have, or has a more supportive spouse, or doesn’t have bad knees.”
OK fine, it’s easy to find excuses, but look at the people who have considerable obstacles in their lives and have done it anyway. Marc and I have a family, and we have coped with significant loss in our lives, but we gradually managed to make meaningful progress in this world. And just as we’ve turned things around for ourselves, we know hundreds of other people who have done the same. Through nearly 16 years of work with our students and our coaching clients, we’ve witnessed people reinventing themselves at all ages — 48-year olds starting healthy families, 57-year-olds graduating from college for the first time, 71-year-olds starting successful businesses, and so forth. And stories abound of people with disabilities or illnesses who overcame their obstacles to achieve incredible outcomes.
No one else can succeed for you on your behalf. The life you live is the life you build for yourself. There are so many possibilities to choose from, and so many opportunities for you to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be. NOW is the moment to actually step forward!
6. The belief that you should be where others are in life.
The truth is, there is no one correct path in life. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s OK. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, good or bad — it’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look exactly like anyone else’s because you aren’t exactly like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing and start living. You may not always end up where you intend to go, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time, right now. And trust yourself to make the best of it. (Read “The Untethered Soul”.)
7. The belief that everyone’s opinion of you matters.
People know your name, not your story. They’ve heard what you’ve done, but don’t understand what you’ve been through. So take their opinions of you with a grain of salt. In the end, it’s not what others think, it’s what you think about yourself that counts the most. Sometimes you have to do exactly what’s right for you and your life, without giving a darn what your life looks like to everyone who doesn’t even know you.
8. The belief that you don’t deserve space.
Not all toxic relationships are agonizing and uncaring on purpose. Some of them involve people who care about you — people who have good intentions, but are toxic because their needs and way of existing in the world force you to compromise yourself and your happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people to be spending time with every day. And as hard as it is, we have to distance ourselves enough to give ourselves space to live.
You simply can’t ruin yourself on a daily basis for the sake of someone else. You have to create boundaries and make your well-being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone, loving a family member from a distance for a little while, letting go of a friendship, or removing yourself from a daily situation that feels painful — you have every right to create some healthy space for yourself. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
9. The belief that all your worries are real.
When your worries and fears have you looking too deep into things, it creates problems, it doesn’t fix them. If you think and you think and you think, you will think yourself right out of happiness a thousand times over, and never once into it. Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace and potential. And life is just too short for that.
So when you catch yourself going down a rabbit hole of worry, try using the simple phrase “The story I’m telling myself” as a prefix to your troubling thoughts. Here’s how it works: The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you. For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase: The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.
Then ask yourself these questions:
- Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?
Give yourself the space to think it all through carefully.
Challenge yourself to think better on a daily basis — to challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset.
10. The belief that you aren’t able to make enough progress.
It’s always possible to go on, no matter how tough it seems. Remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and unsure, and you got through it. You can get through it this time too! And yet I know how incredibly hard it can feel. This is how Marc and I felt years ago when we were knocked down and stuck in a rut after simultaneously losing two loved ones to death. It was nearly impossible to move anywhere significant when we didn’t feel we had the strength to push forward. So if you’re feeling this way now — like it’s impossible to make significant progress today — you aren’t wrong for feeling what you feel. In many cases, you’re right: significant progress comes gradually with time and consistency. It’s all about taking one tiny positive step at a time, and staying the course…
Consider the rest of this section, which is an excerpt from “The Good Morning Journal”:
Think about the fact that it only takes a one degree change in temperature to convert water to vapor, or ice to water. It’s such a tiny change — just one step in a different direction — and yet the results are dramatic. A tiny change can make all the difference in the world.
Now, consider another example where a tiny change is compounded by time and distance. Perhaps you’re trying to travel somewhere specific, but you’re off course by just one tiny degree in the wrong direction…
- After one mile, you would be off course by over 92 feet.
- If you were trying to travel from San Francisco to Washington, D.C., you would land near Baltimore, Maryland, over 42 miles away from your desired destination.
- Traveling around the world from Washington, D.C. back to Washington D.C., you’d miss by 435 miles and end up landing near Boston instead.
- In a spaceship traveling to the moon, a one-degree error would have you missing the moon by over 4,100 miles.
You get the idea — over time and distance, a mere one-degree change in course makes a significant difference…
This same philosophy holds true in various aspects of our lives. The tiniest things we do each day — positive and negative alike — can make all the difference. They either bring us closer or farther away from where we ultimately want to be. Know this! And take the next tiniest step forward for yourself today.
It’s your turn…
Starting now, I hope you will let go and have an inspired day, that you will boldly believe in yourself, that you will make just a tiny bit of progress that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.
And please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)
Linda Kay says
I totally agree with everything you’ve said here, Angel and Marc. At 67 I have worked through some pretty difficult situations in my life, learned to stop blaming myself for not being perfect and choosing to live the life I deserve to live. Yes, letting go is one of the most difficult things to learn to do, but it can be done, and until you learn to let go, forgive and move forward, you will remain stuck. It takes a lot of bravery to shift your thinking, but it can be done and the rewards are huge! Love to all those struggling with this. The first time is the hardest, it gets easier.
Georgia says
Angel, I was taking a time out this morning listening to a meditation on app on my phone and..just letting go..I wrote my first blog last night, only to my friend and my sister, and realized that EVERY day I go through a ritual that leads me to the thought that TODAY is my FIRST DAY! The intentions are set, organized to set the pace, focused to set the tone and yet I fumble and struggle many days to live up to the lofty expectations I have set for myself. I then look through FB or read Kevin’s story here, or hear my friend’s voice traumatized by losing his wife last year, and on and on. And the guilt arises inside of me..how dare I feel this struggle of mine, seemingly irrelevant to my life’s work and a far cry from anyone else’s..my mother broke her shoulder and watching the excruciating pain jump from her very move brought tears to my eyes. Yet the pain in my own body gets in my way more often than I’d like to admit. But who am I to wallow in self pity and sorrow? Your sentiments are always timely, thought provoking and truly inspirational. Thank you for your guiding light for the past decade! When we are down and out and feeling the angst, and things are not as planned or expected, I repeat a mantra “Rejection is God’s Protection. He has something better waiting for you!” Cheers to you and Marc. Love, Georgia
Gretchen says
“Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace and potential.” As a mom with sons 20 and 23 – both out of town – this needs to be my mantra. It’s so easy to spin in worry and nervousness, as if the constant energy of worry could make things secure for them. The illusion of control is craziness but the alternative – the letting go – is so hard. Peace to all moms today who are working on letting go. Peace to all who are hurting.
D says
I believe that I’m on course for future events, ready or not, is difficult to tell. Ha. I feel that the future is always unpredictable but being confident in the little habits and routines that have been productive in the past will also serve well going into the future. I can’t control it all and I believe that neither can anyone else, but I trust that there is a power greater than than us with whom we can confirm the way ahead. I really appreciate Kevin’s story, and happy to hear of his faith and trust that propelled him forward. I’m grateful that he agreed to share it… and thank you for sharing that.
Portia says
Wow, thank you for the wisdom. I remember the first article or email I saw from you on imagining I was in the sea and letting go. It helped me tell myself there is nothing to hold onto. I am working on letting go of the past betrayal, letting go of what l thought was. And this article today reminded me to be kind with myself. When l stumble and go back to the pain. I feel as though l have failed. But your emails help me to change my perspective. The greatest battle l have to win is the one in my mind. But from the time l started reading the articles, they give me new insights. Thank you
Marsha Lee says
Great post today, Angel and Marc! I think this is another illustration of how important it is to see every “problem” as an opportunity for solutions. If we looked at everything in that way, not only can we be more successful, but we often feel a heck of a lot more fulfilled as well. The people who look at life in this way are the most at peace imo, and the most successful…at least that my experience in my 57 years living.
I need to let go of my fear and resistance to making more changes in my life. I’m generally a positive person, but I get so comfortable in my routines, and then I forgo necessary growth simply because I fear the unknown paths I must take. I’m making progress though.
Diana Everett says
Marc and Angel, thank you again. After one of your recent newsletters, I decided to inquire into re-training at a community college (already have degrees, two, from decades ago) for what original idea was of bookkeeping, but then after your newsletter, I considered social work (have always volunteered with marginalized people and have sponsored impoverished youth overseas for 24 years).
Took the first step this week, went to the community college and submitted an application with the help of an admin person who said that social work is probably really needed!
Lots of steps need to be taken between now and winter term of when I start, but I actually followed through–at age 74!
Love you both, you quietly encourage us to take imperfect steps towards our goals. Some coaches make me feel guilty and lazy, you two have a way of making us feel loved (we already know we are flawed, we don’t need more reminders!).
Have a wonderful day.
Mike says
“Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace and potential.”
Perfectly (and beautifully) said. I needed that reminder today, above all.
Gabriel CH says
I like it too!
Helenconn says
Love this post. Really need to let go of my ex husband and the bad marriage we had. Struggling everyday from the fallout. Really want to put it all behind me and move on. Trying to stop my brain and heart from working overtime. Thanks for all the great essays and emails. You are indirectly helping me take those tiny, necessary steps forward every day.
Robert says
I always read the comments and I’m all, blah blah. But this time I really needed everything everyone shared here. Thanks. Starting over is tough.
Lea says
The entire article spoke to me today. Thank you for the emails that is helping me with changing things that are happening in my life. Trying to set personal boundaries and more space with the help of a great local coach and you two.
Thank you!
KatT says
Great article! And to Georgia who commented above, what a great saying – ” Rejection is God’s protection “, I had never heard that before ! This is why I love reading Marc and Angel’s posts because not only do they share great wisdom, but I get so much out of the comments other readers share. This site has helped me so much over the past year to deal with my life’s journey and I am so thankful to have found it and share it with others. Truly a blessing.
Seyed-Morteza Nazari says
Thanks for uplifting material. It helps me, day by day.
Richard Kina says
Excellent article. Sometimes you have to let go to go forward.
Thank for the inspiration.
David Cleroux says
“So thank the things that didn’t work out, because they just made room for the things that will. As they say, every new beginning comes from another beginning’s end.” “Yes, our lives are worth celebrating along the way, and life gets better and better when WE get better! So start investing in yourself mentally and physically. Make it a priority to learn and grow a little bit every day by building positive rituals and sticking to them. The stronger you grow and become, the better your life will feel in the long run.” significant progress comes gradually with time and consistency. It’s all about taking one tiny positive step at a time, and staying the course…
So positive, so good. I’m looking forward to a new beginning at the end of the month and your essay inspires me to get above the little hassles that interfere with my being single minded. Thanks and hugs!
Hildegard Nicol says
I loved the article. The urgency that is expressed in having to identify our identity and thereafter choosing the equivalent course of action. Beautiful!!
Hildegard
Heather says
I’ve always loved reading your material, and have bought your books as well! I’ll be honest, I’m at a point again, that when I hear “we” – I get a lil envious, or think …
‘Well yeah, easier to do these things when you’re with a wonderful partner.’ I’ve had 2 “failed serious ” relationships in my life, now 60 yrs old — it’s hard. Some days better than others. Anyhow, I know these ideas can still apply to single people…
Susie Langley says
I’m SO enjoying reading your posts. I’ve started sharing them with a friend. They’re all amazing to read. Thank you from Melbourne, Australia.
Caroline says
I’ve been reading your daily blogs for a while now. I’ve also started reading “1,000 little things successful & happy people do differently.”
The one message that keeps hitting home is “thinking you’ve missed your chance.”
I’m 61 & thought that for a long time.
Thanks to you & Marc, I’m starting to take those small daily positive steps believing I haven’t.
I feel a profound sense of gratitude to you both today. And all the people who share here daily.
I lost my sister in 2023 to lung cancer. I did all I could to get her to stop smoking. As an ex smoker I know how difficult that is.
I can’t change her choices. I remember her generosity, laughter & that we spoke weekly between meetings, no matter what.
I’ve also blamed my partner of 29.5 years for our lives not being like others/where we “should” be.
He’s a wonderful loyal, kind, caring man. So many of your contributors have lost/don’t have that yet keep on keeping on.
Thank you to them for really waking me up today.
And to you, Angel, for all the positive energy you give out despite losing your brother. And to Marc for the same despite the lossses you’ve shared.
You keep saying “we’re doing it so you can too”.
I’m going to keep reading & taking those small steps. Thanks to you.