The goal is to change your response to what you can’t control — to gradually grow stronger on the inside, so less on the outside affects your inner peace and happiness without your conscious permission.
The mind is the biggest battleground. It’s the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where we all develop thinking habits that put us in direct opposition with reality — where the things we fear drain us but never actually happen. It’s where our expectations get the best of us, and we fall victim to our own trains of thought, again and again.
Truth be told, in the game of life we all receive a unique set of unexpected limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you think about and respond to the hands you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof, or you can empower yourself to play the game sensibly and resourcefully, making the very best of each outcome as it arises, even when it’s hard to accept.
The bottom line is that when you can’t control what’s happening in the world around you, you must challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening, by better managing your habits of mind. Of course that’s much easier said than done though, because it’s hard to change the thinking habits we engage in mostly at a subconscious level. But we can get better by bringing more awareness to what we’re doing…
So today let’s take a look at three thinking habits Angel and I have seen draining hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees of their inner peace and happiness, consistently over the past 15 years…
1. The habit of expecting things to be a certain way.
Imagine you had a ripe, juicy tangerine sitting on the table in front of you. You pick it up eagerly, take a bite, and begin to taste it.
You already know how a ripe, juicy tangerine should taste, and so when this one is a bit tarter than expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment, and swallow it, feeling cheated out of the experience you expected.
Or perhaps the tangerine tastes completely normal — nothing special at all. So, you swallow it without even pausing to appreciate its flavor as you move on to the next unworthy bite, and the next.
In the first scenario, the tangerine let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations. In the second, it was too plain because it met your expectations to a T.
Do you see the irony here?
It’s either not good or not good enough. This is how many of us live our lives… unhappily and unsuccessfully. It’s why so many of us feel let down, drained, and unexcited so often…
Because nothing really meets our expectations.
Now imagine you try this instead: remove your expectations of how the tangerine “should” taste. You don’t know, and you don’t expect to know, because you haven’t even tried it yet. Instead, you’re genuinely curious, impartial, and open to a variety of possible flavors. You taste it, and you truly pay attention. You notice the juiciness, the texture of the pulp, the simultaneously tangy, tart, and sweet flavors swirling around on your tongue, and all the other complex sensations that arise in your awareness as you chew. You didn’t know how this tangerine would taste, but now you realize it’s different from the rest, and it’s remarkable in its own way. It’s a totally new experience — a worthwhile experience — because you’ve never tasted this tangerine before.
Mindfulness experts often refer to this as “beginner’s mind,” but really, it’s just the result of a mind-set free of needless, stifling expectations.
The tangerine, of course, can be substituted for almost anything in your life: any event, any situation, any relationship, any person, any thought at all that enters your mind. If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way, or be too plain and unexciting to even remember. And you’ll just move on to the next disappointment or unworthy life experience, and the next, and the next, and so on and so forth, until you’ve lived the vast majority of your life stuck in an habitual cycle of experiences you barely like or barely even notice.
2. The habit of inner resistance.
You might be surprised by how often you subconsciously resist life. If you evaluate your body and posture right now, I bet you can find some kind of tension. For me it’s often in my neck, but sometimes it’s in my back and shoulders.
Where does this tension we feel come from? We’re resisting something — perhaps we’re annoyed by someone, frustrated at life, overwhelmed by all our obligations, or just bored. And our inner resistance creates a tension in our bodies and weakness in our lives. Therefore, Angel and I often recommend this simple strategy to people who are struggling to relieve themselves of their resistance and tension:
- Locate the tension in your body right now.
- Notice what you’re resisting and tensing up against — it might be a situation or person you’re dealing with or avoiding.
- Relax the tense area of your body — deep breath and a quick stretch often helps.
- Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.
Repeat this practice as often as needed. Face each day with less tension and more presence. Change your mode of being from one of struggle and resistance to one of flow and acceptance.
3. The habit of focusing only on what’s wrong.
The bottom line is that almost every situation imaginable has hidden beauty in it if we are willing to open up to it. For example, in the past, even as Angel and I coped with the death of loved ones, we discovered opportunities for us to appreciate life more, to celebrate the lives of those we’ve lost, and to tune in to the priceless time we’ve had, and still have, with people we love.
We do our best to embody this same mindset in every difficult life situation we encounter. When we get ill, it’s a chance for us to rest. When some unforeseeable event postpones one of our business projects, we spend more time with family. When our adolescent son throws a temper tantrum, we see that he’s expressing himself, asserting his individuality, and being human.
We choose to find what’s right, even when it’s hard to see. And we can all practice this on the average day. Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. Because while a small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Again, where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to not fall back into old habits of mind simply because they’re more comfortable and easier to access right now. It’s your turn to remember that you’re leaving certain thinking habits behind today for a reason: to improve your life — because you can’t move forward if you keep going back. And it’s undoubtedly your turn to reclaim your inner peace and happiness, and make your time count going forward!
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Henly Dopo says
“Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance.”
I loved reading this. When going through the above situations, I don’t quickly tend to find the next better approach. Having more inner strength inside is better than pretending to show strength from outside.
Thank you for sharing.
Linda MN says
Hear hear Henly! That’s just what I was going to say! It is so empowering to concentrate our energies on what we Can control.
-Linda MN
MARK OWIDO says
That’s true Linda
TP Singh says
Your response should be more powerful than the circumstances/challenges is a great lesson and that’s the maturity. Enjoyed reading.
Beverly Barthule says
Today’s article seemed to be directed specifically toward me. I practice all 3 bad habits. This past year has been difficult as my situation has deteriorated and I find myself in a different place in my life. Recently I just made my life much more difficult by worrying about what might happen instead of paying attention to the present. I keep chastising myself about the bad things I do and I let them keep rolling over me. I truly need to learn how to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made in the past. My 85-year-old mother keeps telling me that I need to learn to forgive myself and she’s right. And these reminders here help me step forward a little today.
Adela says
I stood still and pin-pointed all the tension and then released it through stretching just now. Thank you!
Also, “Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.” Wow – powerful, made me reflect and realize I need to be slow to anger. Thank you and bless you both.
Barbara Altamore says
Big life changes ahead…at my own doing but it’s really happening. While my husband is resistant to this change, I’ve been excited to begin. It’s taking longer than I hoped so doubts and fears are creeping in. My back is feeling the tensions. I’m trying not to use lazy coping techniques, but they creep in there too. Then I beat myself up for it. I’m learning to accept the timeline as best as possible. I’m learning forgiveness of myself for my coping techniques. I’m learning to relax my shoulders, breath slowly, stretch more, and to just enjoy the journey of preparation and anticipation. Learning…not yet perfected. Trying to be excited and not scared. Wooo hooo! Almost there! (Thank you for these reminders. No matter how often they show up, they are just what I need to read and reread.)
K. says
Yes, and yet must reread and be mindful… K.
Sasirekha says
I almost never connect deeply with inspirational material online, but i want you to know that i never miss even a single post of yours. Authentic and truly inspiring! My habits have been changing in a positive way over the past year or so. Thank you!
Joseph says
What resonated well with me is the consistency between Stoic philosophy and what was said about expectations. I always say to others “no expectations, no disappointment”… what this article’s point was generally saying. It’s our perception of any given situation that can change that’s in our control. Rather then thinking it’s suppose to be a certain way and then getting all nuts because it didn’t. Right, lighten up and live life on life’s terms, more gracefully.
Fiona says
Love this post – it serves as a timely reminder to me to appreciate life in all its different forms. Thank you for expressing your valuable wisdom in such a relatable manner.
Chris says
Thanks for another insightful article! I discovered all three of these principles in the beginning of my recovery journey over a decade ago. They have been difference makers in my life!
Living without stiff expectations and being open to all possibilities just works so much better…
Clayton Lindstrom says
expressing himself, asserting his individuality, and being human…
Perfect message for me today.
It’s helping me to apply that principle to a few young-minded people in my life right now.
Donny K says
This post was very meaningful to me. I’m dealing with a situation where I made a big mistake in life and am now dealing with the effects of it. Your posts encourage and motivate me to keep living in the moment and accept what I cannot change.
Kaitlyn Rose says
I’m facing a life-changing situation, fraught with difficult decisions, and the hardest part has been facing change. I am reminded of what my mother said on leaving her much-loved home to enter a nursing home, “I’m grateful I got to have it and live in it all these years.”
It’s so seldom we face the indecisiveness of the future with gratitude for what is and has been, and an openness to what could be a time of growth and happiness.
If you think of change as a new chapter, it becomes a manuscript to write as you will. Your essay reminded me to start today, instead of holding on tearfully to what has been.
Thank you both for your insightful words, always spot on–and without preachiness!
Cynthia says
The following really hit home, “while a small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses.” A golden nugget I’ll carry with me from now on. Excellent post and refresher!
Walt says
“If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way, ” This really resonated with me today, it reminded me of a saying I learned from my adult son, that “expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” I am dealing with the estrangement of a different adult child and your messages today will help me learn to live happier with a situation that I cannot control. I am a huge fan of your methodology and your approach, keep up this good work.
David Cleroux says
“Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance… the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Again, where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.”
Excellent. Since I’ve been managing this thought in mind, I’ve experienced a positive forward thrust in my times of trial with a positive sense of victory afterward. I’m learning from your positive input. Thank you. Hugs!
Hilary says
#1 is so very important to me because I catch myself expecting people to do what I would do and am often disappointed that they do not do what I would have done. I have to remember they are not me!
#3 also resonates with me because I feel I live best by expecting the worst, and being pleasantly surprised when a situation turns out better than I expected. I am not disappointed that way. I should try to think more positively.
DSJ says
For the most part this article is accurate. The grammatical errors are distracting. I think we should focus on what can control, not what we can’t. The clause at the beginning of this article is ass backwards. People make mistakes and then we learn and grow from them. No one is perfect, although some people create the illusion as if they were but those are the ones who are secretly detereriorating on the inside, and are miserable when they are alone. I try to be as honest with myself as I can. Do the work to get better, stronger, and more resiliant. It takes time but you are worth it. I’ve damn near wasted 20 years of my life from looking at whats wrong instead of what’s right. If I could tell my younger self something it would have bern a very simple message. Love yourself no matter what.
Geraldine says
Picked me up!
“Face each day with less tension & more presence…”
Change… acceptance.
Monika Monhoff says
The mind is the biggest battleground, that is so very true for me. It often keeps me from sleeping. It also keeps telling me everything I have done wrong. It truly is a battle.
Bonnie Sample says
I almost skipped over your article in my Google feed, and I am so glad I didn’t!!!
Excellent advice which reminded me so much of my 12 step Recovery work.
I have 47 years of Recovery from alcohol and 5 years of Recovery and abstinence from gambling.
I signed up to receive your articles and I’m excited to read more of your work!!
Betty says
A great deal of both your article and people’s individual responses seem to center on one basic flaw — inability to apply what you already know or have learned. Seems like problems in application rather than ideas or education.
Joyful says
These 3 lessons are inspiring and I really want to take each one and have them become a bigger part of my life and happiness journey. You guys are so good at what you do and say. Thank you for all the help and words of wisdom you share thru email. This is is my very first reply, but thought of doing this many times! God Bless and Thank You!!
Rhonda Limpert says
I just read your article for the first time and I’m so happy to have found your inspiring wisdom. I needed to read this today and it will definitely change the way I think and the way I approach situations in the future. I’m excited for more. Thank you and keep up the great work. God bless!