The most powerful changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we do not.
Holding on is hard. Holding on contributes to stress, unhappiness, relationship issues, and so much more. Yet, as human beings, we cling desperately to almost everything…
- We don’t like change, so we hold on tight to the past.
- We want life to be the way we think it “should” be.
- We get attached to our ideals even when they hurt us.
Over the past 15 years, as Marc and I have gradually worked with hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.
So how can we stop holding on today?
By realizing that there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.
Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds.
Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we understand this.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not — it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax for a moment, and float.
I challenge you to ask yourself right now:
- What are you desperately trying to hold on to?
- How is holding on like this affecting your life?
Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist.
Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.
Think about how that decision could change your life.
For Marc and me, it honestly changed everything. And hundreds of people we’ve worked with over the years have had similar results. Here are some good reasons and ways life changes for the better once we loosen our grip:
1. When we let go, we allow ourselves to make the most of things.
A big part of your ability to be happy and successful in the long run relies on your willingness to let go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now, sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is, and then make the very best of it. Remember, when you stop worrying about what you can’t control, you have more time and energy to change the things you can control.
2. When we let go, we’re able to use our resources more effectively.
Again, holding on is wanting to control the uncontrollable. Letting go and allowing uncontrollable things to happen, on the other hand, means these uncontrollable things will take care of themselves more naturally, and your needs will also be better met in the process. At the very least, you will have less to do (less to control) and more time and energy to focus on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like some positive and effective daily rituals.
3. When we let go, we free our minds from extra worries.
When you are lost in worry it’s easy to mistake your worries for reality, instead of recognizing that they are just thoughts. Do your best to be more mindful. Let your presence expand and your overthinking shrink. Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in all the present possibilities.
4. When we let go, we learn more about how life really works.
When you hold on to how things “should” be, you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. The key is to educate yourself about your present circumstances and then work smarter with what you’ve got. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
5. When we let go, we get to appreciate others for who they are.
It’s about loosening up and learning to appreciate different perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your ego and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable. It’s about letting those you care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit your own egotistical idea of who you think they “should” be.
6. When we let go, we’re less distracted by people-pleasing.
How often has your life been driven by the misunderstandings and unfair judgments of others? And how often have these misunderstandings and judgments stressed you out simply because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you? The truth is most people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not. It’s time to let go of trying to control how everybody perceives you. It’s time to just do the best you can!
7. When we let go, we allow ourselves to grow and heal.
If someone breaks your heart, it’s not easy to deal with. But you can heal as long as you’re willing to accept the circumstances and then gradually move through them. For example, you may catch yourself thinking, “Why did I ever love him? I should never have given him my heart!” But that’s not a helpful thought. If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. That’s reality. And accepting that reality and everything that followed is part of letting it go, and growing from it.
8. When we let go, it gets easier to forgive ourselves.
Ask yourself: Is it possible that all the “bad” or “foolish” things you’ve done have been forgiven and forgotten by almost everyone who matters in your life, except you? The answer is likely yes. Sometimes you’ve just got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “This did happen. It was bad judgment. It was a mistake. But I’ve grown from it. I was, and I am, worthy of my own love and forgiveness.”
9. When we let go, we get to enjoy more of life’s little surprises.
Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and brilliant little surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some melody that moves you to the point of tears. Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? No? Then it’s time to let go of the constant rumination and pay closer attention to the life you’re actually living today.
10. When we let go, we live more gratefully (and gracefully).
To let go is, in part, to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that are appearing over the horizon. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s inevitable changes, to trust your own instincts, to learn as you go, to realize that almost every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.
An exercise for letting things breathe as you let go…
If you’d like another actionable way to practice letting go (like the opening visualization exercise on “floating”), this two-step closing exercise is for YOU:
- As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
- Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
That’s it. Repeat this two-step exercise as often as you need to. When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. Again, it can be a life-changing practice! (And if you’re looking for even more guidance and practice, this short essay is a great primer on the process of letting go.)
Now it’s your turn.
I hope this short essay brought more awareness to the fact that letting go isn’t impossible for you, and that it isn’t about hiding from life either. It’s about opening up to life and accepting the things you can’t control, so you can learn and grow. Surely it takes some practice, but when you develop the skill of letting go, and practice it daily, you automatically prepare yourself for almost any challenge life might send your way. Thus, it’s time to practice…
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Jamie says
All of them. I was recently triggered by someone and something from my past and have really been struggling with wondering “why it didn’t and why it can’t still work out?” I’m too scared to pose that question so I’m continually thinking of what I could or should have done different, why I’m not good enough and it just spirals from there. I need to get back to letting go and living. I have no control over others actions or feelings. I wish things could be different but there is nothing I can do about it. And that’s the hard part. Thanks for your article.
Amanda Ninow says
Hi Jamie,
I think at least 90% of us can relate to your situation, as we have all been there or we are still struggling letting go.
But let us think of our lives as a book with lots of chapters. There are good chapters and bad chapters. Now it is your turn to write a new and very happy chapter. And remember, you are in charge writing that chapter.
Best wishes to you.
Amanda
Marj says
Thank you for your response Amanda. I really like the part where you mentioned that “it’s now my turn to write a new and happy chapter. ”
Thank you
Kimberley Hampton says
Thanks, for the reminder I know I need to let go of the fact that my granddaughters have a life that doesn’t always include me and when they cancel plans with me it hurts my feelings and I know that I need become more comfortable with going out and doing things on my own so I told myself that this will be my new way of doing things
Naima says
The last two exercises did it for me. I’m going to follow it daily. I do all of the above that you mentioned in your article (not proud of myself there) but I’m trying to let go. The last exercises really gave me some perspective!! Thank you.
Wes says
Love this post, Marc and Angel. Food for thought for me today. I’ve been holding on tight to a job choice I made 14 years ago when I was only 19, but I’m finally building up the courage to let it go and rebuild my career in a field that deeply resonates with who I am today. Only small steps in that direction so far, but that’s progress for me and I’m feeling good about it.
J says
Thank you. I have been having an incredibly hard time letting go of the past and the way things “could have been”. And, just as you cautioned, my constant rumination is keeping me from living and enjoying the life that I have. At 72, more than anything, this essay is a timely reminder to put my effort and focus into the current moment and embrace what is while I still have the energy to do so.
june frindt says
Hi I can’t stand being a hoarder of
Holding on to stuff how do you get ret of everything you have. I have glass stuff it’s hard to part with them I have to go somewhere and get rid of them
I’m 70 years old now. You know I have a friend who keeps everything she’s giving from other people I say to her why do you keep things from the past.
She tells me that it’s her mother.
That makes her do it.
-June
Jana says
I desperately needed this. Everything you wrote about is so relevant. Answering your two opening questions:
I feel that I desperately try to hold onto all aspects of control in my life. Whether it’s my youth, certain tough relationships, work, any kind of hurt or stress my kids might feel – everything. But why?
It’s affecting me emotionally. I am always feeling stressed out and can’t take a deep breath. I never feel relaxed and always feel on edge. It’s wearing me down. I can see that affects my marriage and some days, my kids.
I am manifesting now to let some things go starting now. Thank you.
Heather says
The exercises and ideas above helped immensely — stopping and taking the time to really allow myself to ask and reflect, “What am I holding onto?”
Realizing that I didn’t get to say goodbye and thank my mom the way I really wanted to before she died. This is a tough one. Your emails are so incredible. If you provide one specific to this, I hope I read it.
The floating and breathing exercises are critical practices though for me right now.
Thank you once again.
Michelle Salas says
Thank you once again, M&A. I love when your wisdom arrives in my inbox right on time! These thoughts on letting go have been well received at my end. I have come to understand and accept that letting go doesn’t come as naturally to me as I would hope. I tend to hold on tight to almost everything, as you’ve said. This is especially true in my relationships. For example, while letting go makes sense, my emotional heart still strives to hold on and create an idea of who my husband is and what our relationship could be, despite the fact that my fantasies aren’t real. But even just reading these words reminds me that others too are struggling with this same issue in various ways, and that makes me feel less alone and gives me hope that I too can adjust my mindset and make better sense of things.
Lena Walker says
You go, girl! Glad to see that you’re making this positive transition. I did so around 28 years and never looked back (I’m in my sixth decade now!)
Kudos to you, Michelle!
AJ says
I’m with you on this one too Michelle!
I too have an ‘idea’ or expectation of who my husband is and what our relationship could be, or rather, what I’d like it to be… And whilst that’s not the reality, I realise that it stops me seeing and recognising all the real and evident good qualities my husband and our relationship does have.
It might not be what I expected or hoped it’d be but the reality is, that he is a really nice, descent, kind, big-hearted and lovely man. He might have his issues or ‘shortcomings’ as do I…
I’m realising over and over again, that the grass is greener where you water it.
If he was a nasty or abusive person, I’d have left him, but he is just human and his own person, thankfully a good one! I need to keep seeing the good in him and focus on that, rather than the bits that are not how I imagined them to be.
Sigh! It’s not easy but I’m going to keep at it!
B says
Your short essay here hit all the marks for me as well. I needed to read this today.
Lately, my heart has been heavy because I wanted something I couldn’t have. My heart met another heart, and I felt something true and deep, but I needed to let it go because I was not free. I felt vulnerable because of love.
I need to breathe, learn, grow, and let go to give everything the oxygen it needs right now.
Thanks.
Maryam says
Hello M&A!
Greetings from Africa.
Your essay was spot on for me as I have been struggling with controlling everything in my life believing that if I don’t everything will go haywire and that’s denied me inner peace and contentment. I’ve just read the essay and i’ll definitely put your counsel into daily practice.
Thanks.
J.J. says
Marc and Angel, I’m truly enjoying your the writings and teachings in your two 1,000 Little Things books and your emails. And this says a lot about the quality of your work, because I’m a cynic about self-help advice and don’t causally buy into it. But I really appreciate your insights.
As it relates to the post above specifically, I have lots to let go of.
As my 50th b-day approaches soon, I’m struggling with the gap between what I expected my life to look like at 50 vs. the way my life really is today. The two are not even close. It’s difficult to accept that I have not done what I set out to do to the best of my ability, largely because of an uncontrollable circumstance that debilitated my health. But it was healing to read your thoughts on this. As I journal about them and ritualize them (part of a helpful strategy I picked up from your GBTH course) and try to apply them to my life circumstances, I know your words will gradually help me reframe what my life is, and design a wiser vision for my present and future.
Shelley Modlin says
Thank you for this excellent insight today…I need to practice these and try hard to stick to them…I’ve been grieving badly for my mom for quite awhile..I ruminate about some guilty feelings I have and how I wish I could go back and make it different…I can’t, it’s too late.. but I’m going to make it a point to do the breathing exercises also, and find gratitude for the good and present opportunities in my life. I enjoy reading your ideas and look forward to them each time.
Emily Barnett says
Yes…I realized I was taking the here and the now for granted by being uber-focused on future plans that I just couldn’t materialize no matter how hard I tried. Humbled. Saved. Your thoughts are exactly what I need to be hearing in this chapter of my life that isn’t yet finished. I love that your real advice is so very applicable as some days are harder than others to keep my faith. My life really SHOULD NOT BE THIS MESSY-but I do love myself and the people in it anyway.
Lionel says
Hi Marc and Angel, thanks for this great essay… I’ve been struggling also, to forgive myself.for how i treated my siblings in the past, it’s been very difficult.the guilty feelings always gets me down.i really need your prayers too.
David Cleroux says
“When we let go, we’re able to use our resources more effectively.
Letting go and allowing uncontrollable things to happen, means these uncontrollable things will take care of themselves more naturally, and your needs will also be better met in the process. At the very least, you will have less to do (less to control) and more time and energy to focus on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like some positive and effective daily rituals.”
“Do your best to be more mindful. Let your presence expand and your overthinking shrink. Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in all the present possibilities.” “The key is to educate yourself about your present circumstances and then work smarter with what you’ve got.” “It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s inevitable changes, to trust your own instincts, to learn as you go, to realize that almost every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.”
This whole work of art resounded loud and clear. I could have kept adding your quotes that were the most meaningful but then I’d have to repost your whole essay. I do need to work harder on applying the 2 steps principles that you mentioned. They do work, and I am grateful for the coaching. I pray that I can get this down pat and live it daily and not simply do what seems nice to do but bring every thought into captivity… Thank you! Hugs!
Jhuma says
Hi…… I could relate myself so well to this article….. Thinking about my actions, my expectations how much i wanted that special person to love me and care for me ….. Made me so vulnerable. I used to have sleepless nights cry brood over things which I had no control of. I was trying to work on my thoughts and there you are …..your above article has given me clarity on lot many things…. Thank you.
Frederick Umoru says
The second exercise blew my mind away. It worked like magic for me, you guys are my gurus for real.
Betty says
“Letting go” and all it entails and results in can also be a matter of how mentally and physically secure a person is. Maybe some people overthink it bc they’re sentimental, or overly so — or desperate, ignorant of what to do, whom to go to for help, unaware of immediate/hidden costs of leaving. “Letting go” requires practical analysis before tender feelings. Don’t forget to include survival (actual money/home/consequences of changes) in your initial plans.