Earlier today, I was sitting on a neighborhood park bench eating a sandwich when an elderly couple pulled their car up under a nearby oak tree. They rolled down the windows and turned up some jazz music on the radio. Then the man got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, and opened the door for the woman. He took her hand and helped her out of her seat, guided her about ten feet away from the car, and they slow danced for the next half hour under the oak tree.
It was a beautiful sight to see. I could have watched them forever. And as they wrapped things up and started making their way back to the car, I clapped my hands in admiration.
Perhaps doing so was obnoxious. Perhaps I should have just appreciated being a silent witness. But I was so caught up in the moment — so incredibly moved — that my hands came together before my conscious mind caught on. And I’m sincerely grateful it happened just that way, because what happened next inspired the words you’re reading now.
The elderly couple slowly walked over to me with smiles on their faces. “Thank you for the applause,” the woman chuckled.
“Thank YOU,” I immediately replied. “You two dancing gives me hope.”
They both smiled even wider as they looked at me. “Us dancing gives me hope too,” the woman said as she grabbed the man’s hand. “But what you probably don’t realize is that you just witnessed the power and beauty of second and third chances.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“My college sweetheart — my husband of 20 years — lost his life to a rare illness on my 40th birthday,” she explained. “And then my husband of six years died in a car accident when I was 52.”
As my mouth hung open, we all shared a quick moment of silence. Then the man put his arm around her and said, “And I lost my wife of 33 years when I was 54. So what you see here before you — these dancing partners… this incredible love… this marriage of 10 years between two kindred souls in their mid 70’s — all of this is what happens when you give yourself second and third chances in life.”
Mindset is everything (especially in hard times).
I’ve spent the rest of the day thinking about that beautiful couple, about second and third chances, and about how human beings find the motivation to keep going… to keep loving… to keep living, despite the pain and grief and hopelessness we all inevitably experience along the way.
And this topic hits close to home too.
About 15 years ago, in a relatively short time-frame, Angel and I dealt with several significant losses and life changes, back-to-back:
- Losing a sibling to illness
- Losing a mutual best friend to a heart attack
- Financial unrest following a breadwinning job loss
- Breaking ties with a loved one who repeatedly betrayed us
- Family business failure (and reinvention)
Each of those experiences were brutal. And enduring them in quick succession knocked us down hard. For example, when Angel’s brother died, facing this reality while supporting her grieving family was incredibly painful at times. There were moments when we shut the world out and avoided our loved ones who were grieving alongside us. We didn’t want to deal with the pain, so we coped by running away, by finding ways to numb ourselves with alcohol and unhealthy distractions. And consequently, we grew disillusioned while the pain continued to fester inside us.
Getting to the right state of mind — one that actually allowed us to physically and emotionally move forward again — required diligent practice. Because you better believe our minds were stuck in the gutter. We had to learn to think straight again, so we could open ourselves up to the next step.
And we gradually learned that when you face struggles with an attitude of openness — open to the painful feelings and emotions you have — it’s not comfortable, but you can still make progress. Openness means you don’t instantly decide that you know this is only going to be a horrible experience — it means you admit that you don’t really know what the next step will be like, and you’d like to understand the whole truth of the matter. It’s a learning stance, instead of one that assumes the worst.
The simplest way to initiate this mindset shift?
Mindful “notes to self” are key.
It’s all about proactively keeping the right thoughts top of mind, so they’re readily available when you need them most. For us, that meant sitting down quietly with ourselves every morning (and on many evenings too) and reflecting on precisely what we needed to remember. We used short written reminders like the ones below to do just that. Sometimes we’d call them mantras, or affirmations, or prayers, or convictions, but in any case these daily “notes to self” kept us motivated and on track by keeping grounded, peaceful, productive thoughts at the top of our minds, even when life got harder than expected.
We ultimately discovered that peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard realities to deal with; peace means to be in the midst of all those things while remaining calm in your head and strong in your heart.
Challenge yourself to choose one of the bolded “notes to self” below every morning (or evening), and then sit quietly for two minutes while repeating it quietly in your mind. See how doing so gradually changes the way you navigate life’s twists and turns…
1. Never assume that you are stuck with the way things are right now. Life changes every single second, and so can you.
When hard times hit there’s a tendency to extrapolate and assume the future holds more of the same. For some strange reason this doesn’t happen as much when things are going well. A laugh, a smile, and a warm fuzzy feeling are fleeting and we know it. We take the good times at face value in the moment for all they’re worth and then we let them go. But when we’re stressed, struggling, or fearful, it’s easy to heap on more pain by assuming tomorrow will be exactly like today. This is a cyclical, self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your future through that same dirty lens, and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that is worn out and false.
2. It is what it is right now. Accept it, learn from it, and grow from it. It doesn’t matter what’s been done — what truly matters is what you do from here.
Realize that most people make themselves miserable simply by finding it impossible to accept life just as it is presenting itself right now. Don’t be one of them. Let go of your ideals. This letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about something or someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only thing you really have control over is yourself in this moment. Oftentimes letting go is simply changing the labels you place on a situation — it’s looking at the same situation with fresh eyes and an open mind, and then taking the next step.
3. Use pain, frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Again, your response is always more powerful than your circumstance. A tiny part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
4. The most effective way to move away from something you don’t want, is to move toward something you do want, one step at a time.
The key is in building small daily rituals, and understanding that what you do in small steps on a daily basis changes everything over time. This concept might seem obvious, but when hard times hit we tend to yearn for instant gratification. We want things to get better, and we want it better now! And this yearning often tricks us into biting off more than we can chew. Angel and I have seen this transpire hundreds of times over the years — a coaching client wants to achieve a new milestone as fast as possible, and can’t choose just one or two small daily habits to focus on, so nothing worthwhile ever gets done. Let this be your wake-up call. Remind yourself that you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Small, repeated, incremental efforts will get you there.
5. Effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you more educated, more experienced, and stronger in the end.
When the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of struggle to get there. Again, it happens one day at a time, one step at a time. And the next step is always worth taking. No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will make it. Have an unrelenting belief that things will work out, that the long road has a purpose, that the things you desire may not happen today, but they will happen. Practice patience. And remember that patience is not about waiting — it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working diligently to make daily progress.
6. Don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being derailed by them.
As you strive to make progress, you will inevitably encounter road blocks in the form of difficult people. But realize that the greatest stress you go through when dealing with a difficult person is not fueled by the words or actions of this person — it is fueled by your mind that gives their words and actions importance. Inner peace and harmony begins the moment you take a deep breath and choose not to allow outside influences to dominate your thoughts, emotions, and actions. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
7. As you age, you’ll learn to value your time, genuine relationships, meaningful work, and peace of mind, much more. Little else will matter.
Remember this, especially when the going gets tough. Focus on what matters in each moment and let go of what does not. Eliminate needless distractions. Realize that too often we focus our worried minds on how to do things quickly, when the vast majority of things we do quickly should not be done at all. We end up rushing out on another shopping trip, or hastily dressing ourselves to impress, just to feel better for a moment. But these quick fixes don’t work. Stop investing so much of your energy into refining trivial areas of your life. Ten years from now it won’t really matter what shoes you wore today, how your hair looked, or what brand of clothes you wore. What will matter is how you lived, how you loved, and what you learned along the way.
Afterthoughts on deep loss and reinvention.
Before we go I want to briefly address the biggest elephant in the room. That elephant is losing someone you love. The elderly couple in the opening story lived through this kind of loss. Angel and I have lived through this kind of loss. And although there are no words to make it easier, I want those who are presently coping with this kind of loss to know that the journey forward is worth it. The end is always the beginning. There’s more beauty — a different kind of beauty — ahead.
You see, death is an ending, which is a necessary part of living. And even though endings like these are often ugly, they are necessary for beauty too — otherwise it’s impossible to appreciate someone or something, because they are unlimited. Limits illuminate beauty, and death is the definitive limit — a reminder that we need to be aware of this beautiful person, and appreciate this beautiful thing called life. Death is also a beginning, because while we have lost someone special, this ending, like the loss of any wonderful life situation, is a moment of reinvention. Although deeply sad, their passing forces us to reinvent our lives, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places. And finally, of course, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life, and to be grateful for the beauty they showed us.
That’s just a small slice of what living through deep loss has taught us.
Just a short piece of a longer story that’s still being written…
A story of second and third chances, renewed hope, and heartfelt dances.
And the reminders above will get you there, one day at a time.
Your turn…
Before you go, let me ask you a quick question:
- Which point above resonates the most with you right now?
And how might reminding yourself of it, daily, change your life?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Louise says
So beautifully said. Thank you! I lost my younger brother 6 years ago. He was 50 years old and we were very close. It has been a struggle dealing with his loss but unfortunately in addition to losing him, my sister-in-law has denied us any contact with their 2 young children. So for me and my family the loss has been multiplied. It has taken me a long time and I still struggle but am becoming more accepting to the way things are. I try to just move on with my life and realize that I cannot change the circumstances but have to keep moving forward. And your reminders here help.
Gloria says
I really love this, I read it patiently till the end. The point of knowing that there is literally nothing worse or beyond control stood out for me. We can redefine life’s packages to us.
Thank you very much.
taya says
I LOVE your blog. It helped me through my hardest time 8 years ago and now visiting you again, still inspired <3
Shirley says
I absolutely love when your blog’s emails drop into my inbox right when I need to read them most. Your work is always something I know I can turn to for inspiration and motivation when I really need it.
Thank you for that opening story and commentary, and for your closing thoughts on losing someone you love. I’ve been there, and I couldn’t agree more with what you’ve said and how you’ve said it.
Susana says
This resonated with me the most:
“It is what it is right now. Accept it, learn from it, and grow from it. It doesn’t matter what’s been done — what truly matters is what you do from here.”
I’m learning to accept someone’s unresponsiveness as the end of our chapter and releasing him to God.
Thanks you for sharing your invaluable life lessons. I look forward to reading and reflecting on more of your writings.
Joyette says
I lost my first marriage through a painful divorce when I was 32. I remarried 5 years later to a wonderful man who I lovingly refer to as my “upgrade husband”. He passed away suddenly 6 years ago. The morning after his heart attack, I made a commitment to myself. I declared to “keep my heart filled with love and appreciation so there wouldn’t be enough room for grief to take over”. Dancing between pain and gratitude is easier said than done but what a great teacher it’s been! I’ve been a self proclaimed inspirational quote junky since my divorce years and consider those one liners posted awkwardly all over my living space my connection to the life I want to live. You are absolutely correct, they help! They serve as little reminders to focus on what we want more of – more love, more kindness, more joy. Thank you for the lovely reminder that second and third chances exist and worth the effort to to go after them!
Patsy Bolton says
That’s very brave and incredibly optimistic of you Joycette. Clearly you treasure what your husband gave you and are open to what life has taught and may offer you despite the pain of loss.
My husband has cancer and we of course hope he’ll recover but I’ve been in anticipatory grief which is a stressful and can diminish my enjoyment of living if I’m not careful.
I’m continuing however to stay fit, see friends and laugh together with my husband.
Julie M. says
You will never know how much I needed this today. The 25th anniversary of my baby sister’s death is in two days and after all this time, it isn’t any easier. I am also reeling from the loss of my mother, step-father, and father-in-law over the past year mostly due to old age. I carry a lot of guilt that I couldn’t care for them all as much as was needed, so points 1 and 2 carry the most impact for me at the moment. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Maier Deborah says
Julie~ I wish you were a neighbor. I’d bring you some homemade, fresh peach scones & we could sit together. I lost my oldest sister recently & I have been blessed in so many ways to accept it. We simply cannot do everything for those who are ill &/or elderly. I hope you will be strengthened in the truth of all you were able to do.
Deborah
VA Beach, VA
St Christopher says
Amazing writing..thank you. I too have lost a lot.
Caroline says
I lost my baby sister 2 years ago. It was so hard & still is.
I’m sorry for all your losses. I’m also sure you did the absolute best you could for your loved ones.
Sending you much love.
Jessica Lynn Boehm says
This article was amazing and an eye opener for me today. Thank you!
Martha says
I love the story, the personal touch, and the thoughtful reminders.
I think I’ve mentioned this before in a comment on a previous post, but it’s worth mentioning: Even when times are rough and I’ve lost my motivation, , my top strategy is to stop myself from nagging and complaining. I just do the absolute best I can in the present, one tiny step at a time, just as you teach. This is probably the most important idea and strategy for living I’ve picked up from your course and coaching (although there are many) — it is indeed a strategy — a daily ritual — I use every single day of my life.
anon says
“Although deeply sad, their passing forces us to reinvent our lives”
My Mom passed recently, early at the age of 65. She set some incredible limits on my life course without realizing she did so. It is only in my mind by the things she said to me. I have been realizing recently that these limits should have been dissolved by her death, but it is easier said than done. I WANT to reinvent my life now, without her limits.
Thank you for helping reinforce that with your writing. It is much appreciated, and give me something to move toward.
Betty says
Wow…thank you for this post. I’ve been a subscriber for many years but lately I wouldn’t pay attention to my inbox. Now I see I have been missing out on so many good reads. Everything is on point, although the after thoughts are staying with me and I will be revisiting that part every morning until your next post.
Thanks again,
Betty
D says
Hi. Thank you for that beautifully optimistic essay. For me, that romantic story of true love and intimate relationship inspired me the most. I believe that God breaks hearts and mends them and He has a purpose in everything he allows to happen. Of course everything else you mentioned was also appropriate. Responses being more powerful than circumstances; to never stop believing; working diligently and making daily progress; not having expectations of others, and not to allow outside influences to dominate our thoughts. All really important aspects to life, true and appreciated. All helping me to stay on course. Thanks again. Hugs.
Peter says
Greetings from Western Australia.
Reading this piece has pulled me around. An hour ago I was screaming at myself through sheer frustration; I’m out of work and am running out of money and am afraid of the consequences that this may bring. I desperately wanted to just run away from everything I know – although I don’t believe I could actually do so. But I’m now feeling a lot calmer and hopeful for the future… thanks, I’m so glad I found your site and intend to check-in as regular as possible for inspiration and hope.
May says
Hang in there lots of us going thru hard times but the world wouldn’t be the same without us. I too lost my job and running out of money but worse running out of purpose has made matters even worse. I can’t seem to get back on the horse even though normally I am a fighter. I have choices but nothing immediate. I remind myself to be brave.
Colleen says
Years ago, I went through 14 months of unemployment and under-employment and it’s very hard on one’s self-esteem. Not sure if this is an option, but what saved my bacon was “temporary employment.” It boosted my self-esteem, kept my mind and emotions engaged. This eventually led to a decent job and then I was eventually on my way. I recommend it if it’s an option.
Nancy says
Peter, you took the words right out of my mouth. I too am out of work going on 11 months and I am running out of money and my self-esteem and self-worth are non-existent. I get interviews, sometimes multiple interviews and never any offers. My worth is defined by my job and being able to support myself. Suicide crosses my mind each and everyday. I don’t know how much more rejection I can take. This article and your comment gives me hope because although I feel so alone and isolated I know others are also going through something similar.
I wish you luck in your job search and hope your situation gets better very soon.
Jen says
Please stay.
Your life is valuable even when it is difficult.
If you are in the US, text 211 or 988 to find resources for support.
Charlotte Pountney says
My husband of almost 30 years died last year. I am now solely responsible for my 90 year old Mom, and her house and garden, as well as my own, both of which had slipped into disrepair. I am very grateful for the good times we had together, though I would love to ‘reinvent’ myself. It sometimes seems that every small step forward I take, something happens to knock me back again. Presently battling with kitchen fitters from hell – botched units, worktops and electrics (though again, I am very grateful for my ex boss who is helping me to sort out the dispute). Sometimes a small thing seems like the final straw. The kitchen is really NOTHING compared to losing Dave. It’s true, though, that the bad times give you a sharp kick along the spiritual path, which it is easy to slide from when everything is rosy.
Carol says
“It is what it is” resonated with me the most — along with a teaching from my yoga class: what it MEANS is a different matter because I give it meaning myself; until then, it has no meaning, it just IS. I give whatever happens meaning out of my hurtful past, and in that way I never get free of the abuse I endured. Only when I remember that life itself is not “against me” and I choose what it means, only then am I able to move forward in a positive way, taking “what is” as an opportunity for learning and growth.
Richard Kina says
Very good insight. You have to look past what seems hurtful to really see the true & beautiful outcomes of what is really there.
David Cleroux says
“Oftentimes letting go is simply changing the labels you place on a situation — it’s looking at the same situation with fresh eyes and an open mind, and then taking the next step.” “No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will make it. Have an unrelenting belief that things will work out, that the long road has a purpose, that the things you desire may not happen today, but they will happen. Practice patience. And remember that patience is not about waiting — it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working diligently to make daily progress.” This essay is very encouraging. The couple of quotes as well as your lead story is also. I’m inspired. Thank you so much. Keeping the vision is keeping the victory! Hugs
Jhuma says
So true… Loss is inevitable. How we cope with it depends on our near ones and more than that ourselves. Coming to terms with the situation takes time….. After reading this article many of us will surely give a second/ third chance to opportunities… things that will make us think positively and be happy and strong… Loads of love.
Renée says
This article is just fantastic! I feel blessed to have come across it and have forwarded it to others! The points that stood out for me are:
– Effort is never lost…
– Small – CONSISTENT steps will get you there…
– Focus on what matters in each moment and let go of what does not. really resonate for me. I hope these points are written on the template of my mind!
I also thought the tips about moving through grief from death of a loved one can be employed not only in the departure of a love one, but during an unwanted relationship breakup.
Thank you for the gift of care and help you given!
Love Love Love this!
JAMES MORIASI says
Note number 4 resonates quite well with me at the moment. Whatever little progress I am making in rebuilding a relationship I value, I now believe I will succeed, one step at a time bit by bit. I am encouraged also by concentrating on things I am in control of – my responses to circumstances. Thanks.
Heather-Anne says
Thank you.
You give me hope and inspiration on my journey. I am 72, lost my dear husband of 40 years recently, a huge gap in my life .
I think what resonates with me today is how to take little steps and how to not let negative thoughts or people shape my life
Michael Cummings says
The Beginning in the End
Death is also a beginning—
a hush before the dawn,
a chapter turned by unseen hands
when the old light lingers on.
We grieve the warmth, the laughter’s trace,
the stories left untold,
yet endings bloom in quiet grace,
where love refuses cold.
For every soul that leaves this place
plants seeds in hearts that stay—
roots of memory, stems of faith,
growing through the gray.
So let the tears fall, let them cleanse,
the ache that loss imparts;
for endings are not final things—
they reinvent our hearts.
And in that tender, sacred space,
between goodbye and when,
we find that death is but a breath—
a doorway back to begin.
Jessica Jackson. says
First time I have ever commented on anything like this, but this really hit me and I really needed to read it right now!
Patrick Shinsato says
Very touching!
Thank You for sharing this with Us as it brought tears to my eyes, and I am a very strong and rugged kind of guy here.
If I could reach out and make friends with everyone in our great world I gladly welcome any one of You to come and extend your hands to Me in friendship for our future together!
Aloha from our great 50th State of Hawaii
With Very Sincere Aloha to All of You in the world!
-Patrick Shinsato
(Laughter is part of the answer to Happiness!)
Tricia says
This article was timely and much needed. In the last 12 mos, I’ve lost my job of 16 yrs, sold my home, moved across the country for a new job and just as we were about to make the move, I lost my husband of 15 yrs. Some days it just feels like too much for any one person. This article put those thoughts into perspective. I am going to start with “Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard realities to deal with; peace means to be in the midst of all those things while remaining calm in your head and strong in your heart.” I’ve been searching for peace since my divorce 18 yrs ago. I think I may have finally found the key. Thank you!!
Decca Lewis says
I like #7. Don’t lower your standards, Don’t expect others to meet your standards. Go along to get along with no expectations.
Judy Carrier says
To Nancy…..
Randomly came upon this site.
Read your comments and your current state of mind, emotions, and situation. I send you hope, encouragement, peace and love!!!!
Yes, love!!! How I wish could affirm you, hug you from one human being to another in person! You ARE worthy!!! You ARE important to others in this current crazy world we live in, and you ARE a beautiful, caring person!!
Do I know you? No, I do not of course. But my belief system tells me that even through these difficult days God does care about you even though you may not feel that care.
Be strong. Breathe deep!!! One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Blessings. I will be thinking of you.
Judy in Arizona.
Rodney Dangerous says
There’s some good stuff in this article!
Akash Kumar Sahoo says
Thank you for your guidance in the time where it is most required. I am glad that I read your blog and I can’t appreciate enough for how much these words have touched me recently.
Vic says
I really needed this right now. I can’t say how much I appreciate this. I recently lost a parent, a breadwinning job, downturn of a service based business, financial hardship, health issues, and a few other things and I’ve been feeling quite hopeless lately. I keep trying to remind myself the last time I was in a similar place I felt the same way and the Lord finally answered my prayers. The good times didn’t last as long as I’d hoped, but I’m hoping the Lord is listening more than he’s letting on lately. I’m definitely writing down some uplifting reminders like #1 and a few of my own to put in my wallet. Your words aren’t wasted and mean more than your realize because I’d probably be in a different place mentally the last few days if not for your article/post. I thank you so much for this and for being a voice of positivity in a world of so much darkness lately.