You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will gradually pass. So do your best to breathe when negativity surrounds you today. Let calmness be your superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things too personally keeps your mind clear and your heart at peace, which ultimately gives you the upper hand.
Also, remind yourself that people are hard to be around when they believe everything happening around them is a direct assault on them, or is in some way all about them. Don’t fall into this trap. What people say and do is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds, and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about the storms they are going through and how they view the world.
Now I’m not suggesting we should be self-indulged narcissists and ignore all the opinions and commentary we receive from others. I’m simply saying that incredible amounts of hurt, disappointment, and sadness in our lives come directly from our tendency to take things too personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
The underlying key is to…
Mindfully watch your response.
When something stressful happens in a social situation, what’s your response?
Some people jump right into action, but oftentimes taking immediate action can be harmful. Others get angry or sad. And some start to feel sorry for themselves — perhaps victimized — and left thinking: “Why can’t people behave better?” Although enforcing your boundaries is important, on an average day hasty responses are rarely healthy or helpful.
The bottom line is you’re not alone if you struggle with taking things personally too quickly. We all make this mistake sometimes. If someone does something we disagree with, we tend to interpret it as a personal attack…
- Our children don’t clean their rooms? They are purposely defying us!
- Our significant other doesn’t show affection? They must not care about us!
- Our boss acts inconsiderately? They must hate us!
- Someone hurts us? Everyone must be out to get us!
Some people even think life itself is personally against them. But the truth is, almost nothing in life is personal — things happen or they don’t, and it’s rarely all about anyone specifically…
People have emotional issues they’re dealing with, and it makes them defiant, rude, and thoughtless sometimes. They are doing the best they can, or they’re not even aware of their issues. In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behaviors as personal attacks, and instead see them as non-personal encounters (like a dog barking in the distance, or a bumblebee buzzing by) that you can either respond to with a calm mindset, or not respond to at all.
Quotes can help remind us.
Like you I’m only human of course, and so I often take things too personally when I’m in the heat of the moment. To combat this, I’ve implemented a simple strategy to support the practice of watching my response. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself to not take things too personally. Anytime I catch myself doing so, I pause and read a few of the following quotes to myself. Then I take a few deep breaths…
- You may not be able to control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be continuously distracted by them today.
- You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you; they do things because of them.
- Calmness is a superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things too personally keeps your mind clear and at peace, which gives you the upper hand by putting you back in control of your response.
- There’s a huge amount of freedom and calmness that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you respond is yours. (Note: The strongest sign of your growth is knowing you’re no longer stressed by the trivial things that once used to drain you.)
- Being kind to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions. So be kind, and remind yourself that people are generally nicer when they are happier, which says a whole lot about the people you meet who aren’t very nice to you.
- All the hardest and coldest people you meet were once as soft as a baby, and that’s the tragedy of living. So when people are rude, be mindful, be your best. Give those around you the break that you hope the world will give you on your own bad day.
- Life is too short to argue and fight. Count your blessings, value those who truly matter, and move on from the drama with your head held high.
But what about dealing with very rude people?
Some of the points above potentially require a willingness to cordially deal with people who yell at us, interrupt us, cut us off in traffic, talk about terribly distasteful things, etc. These people violate the way we think people should behave. Sometimes their behavior deeply offends us, and we have every right to feel what we feel. But if we let these people get to us, again and again, we will be upset and offended far too often.
So what else can we do beyond calming ourselves with the quotes and reminders above?
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, but here are three general strategies Angel and I often recommend to our coaching clients and live event attendees:
1. Be bigger, think bigger.
Imagine a two-year-old who doesn’t get what she wants at the moment. She throws a temper tantrum! This small momentary problem is enormous in her little mind because she lacks perspective on the situation. But as adults, we know better. We realize that there are dozens of other things this two-year-old could do to be happier. Sure, that’s easy for us to say — we have a bigger perspective, right? But when someone offends us, we suddenly have a little perspective again — this small momentary offense seems enormous and it makes us want to scream! We throw the equivalent of a two-year-old’s temper tantrum. However, if we think bigger we can see that this small thing matters very little in the grand scheme of things. It’s not worth our energy. So always remind yourself to be bigger, think bigger, and broaden your perspective.
2. Mentally hug them.
This little trick can positively change the way we see people who offend us. Let’s say someone has just said something unpleasant to us. How dare they! Who do they think they are? They have no consideration for our feelings! But of course, with a heated reaction like this, we’re not having any consideration for their feelings either — they may be suffering inside in unimaginable ways. By remembering this, we can try to show them empathy, and realize that their behavior is likely driven by some kind of inner pain. They are being unpleasant as a coping mechanism for their pain. And so, mentally, we can give them a hug. We can have compassion for this broken person, because we all have been broken and in pain at some point too. We’re the same in many ways. Sometimes we need a hug, some extra compassion, and a little unexpected love.
3. Proactively establish healthy and reasonable boundaries.
Practice becoming more aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you cannot help others if you’re incapacitated. In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries with difficult people will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you, so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most, not just the difficult ones who try to keep you tied up.
Try one of these strategies next time you begin to notice that someone is getting under your skin. And re-read the quotes above too. Then breathe in serenity, armed with the comforting knowledge that there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t. (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
Now it’s your turn…
Before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Melanie Schadewald says
Thank you for this article. Since I was a kid I’ve been told that I was “too sensitive.”, and I someone felt a sense of shame hearing that. As an adult, I think I unconsciously re-enacted this belief by taking things personally. I realize how this has damaged my sense of self-esteem, and caused me unnecessary pain in my life. Your article brings to light something so vital for people to understand: that to NOT take things personal is a way to take full responsibility for YOUR thoughts, actions; and consequences. A good friend recently said to me , “What others think about me is none of my business.”. I loved it! Your tip on having compassion for where people may be if they act inappropriately at times reminded me that in order to do that, I need to have compassion and forgiveness for myself first. This all takes consciousness, presence, and intention- but for me, so worth the effort.
Roxanne says
This is a bunch of crap that women hear from men when we women complain about the criticism we get. “I was just kidding. Can’t u take a joke.” So again we put up with it to be a bigger person? HUH?
Bridget says
Your emails always comes at the right time. Thank you so much, since I found your blog and subscribed to your emails I’m noticing difference in how I handle my emotions, face life, deal with people and circumstances.
I’m able to catch myself when reacting instead of responding, I’m learning to set boundaries as well and try not to take things personally
Thanks guys, keep up the good work!
Violeta Cosme says
I am dealing with this behavior for years at work. I thank you for this article.
Candis K says
I have learned over the years that other people’s opinion of me is actually not that important most of the time and that validation needs to come from the inside, not the outside. Identifying what is important to me in life and working towards that is where I find my happiness. Being a people-pleaser and caring about what others think of me has held me back most of my adult life. I have decided it cannot do so anymore, I am not responsible for others opinions of me, I AM responsible for how I react to those opinions and for taking care of my inner piece and for remembering the most important opinion is my own.
Violet says
Candis, reading your comment made me feel like you were talking about me~the “old me”. Right now I am 71 years young, and I feel smarter about life, than I ever have! That has a lot to do with Marc & Angel…reading their emails & their many words of wisdom has helped awaken me~before it was too late… Thank you Marc & Angel. By sharing your stories & advice, you have been a Blessing to many…and have most likely helped yourself in the process. It makes me feel good, to share some of your wisdom with others. May God Bless you both with happiness & good health. Keep up your good work.
Kelly Whitcomb says
There’s no doubt about it — taking things personally and listening to other people’s negativity has made me miserable in the past, and stifled my growth. I’ve learned the hard way that we all need to let go of negativity around us AND the negativity directed at us. Terribly tough to do sometimes, but unbelievably liberating! When we are continuously running on a treadmill of stubbornness about how we “expect” to be treated or how others “should” behave, we are prisoners to the beliefs and behaviors of others. Your happiness course and emails have been helping me let go of my ideals and refocus on improving my attitude and responses. It has been a gradual process, but I’m seeing the benefits very clearly. Thank you for all the personal guidance.
Benita says
I have recently started attending a Mindfness class which I enjoy.
I am loving all these quotes sent by you and find that they will benefit me greatly.
Jill says
Well said Kelly. I agree with everything you said, and I too find myself in that category. Unnecessary drama.
Kara C says
I needed to read this today too.
Being kind to people that you dislike is usually considered to be hypocritical. But, it makes sense to be kind and not allow your dislike to get the upper hand. Counting to 5 also helps!
I was raised to be a people pleaser.
Turning myself into an emotional and mental pretzel to accommodate other people’s needs and expectations resulted in feeling so detached from myself that I felt truly lost. It took decades to undo the convoluted pretzel and adopt a different mindset and attitude without feeling guilty and a failure.
Brené Brown sums it up succinctly:
“Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.”
I learned to value myself but still have bad days when doubts creep in. On the whole though, I like myself, including my flaws, imperfections and the whole shebang.
Thank you Marc and Angel for the timely reminders that help to put things into perspective.
Fran says
Excellent analysis! We all need to be reminded to grow a thicker skin, and that taking things too personally is often a misplaced sentiment that only serves to inflict pain on ourselves needlessly! At least I know I needed it here today.
J says
This is sooooo good! I definitely needed these reminders. So well written, and I think has a lot of practical advice too!! Someone commented here earlier that growing up she was told she was being “too sensitive”. I was told that myself, too! But I think that instead of using your emotional perceptivity is a gift, but maybe the advice from here is to learn to just be an observer of the emotions and try not to adopt them. Never let the emotions make you react, but instead decide how you’re going to show up regardless of the outer circumstances/situations/etc
Thanks Marc+Angel! really needed this!
Seyi says
I so much agree with the point about people saying or doing what they do being a reflection of them.
Sometimes, people judge us based on their own outlook to life. Their perception of us will be coloured by what matters more to them in life – their values.
For example, when it comes to relationships and making friends in general, I’ve always been a quality-over-quantity person. If I join a new organization or social group, I like to take my time, observe, before making friends. And I also accept that, while I will be respectful and cordial to everyone, I might not even have a friend at all…
Some people might judge this as being aloof or even snobbish, but only because they are the types who are less deliberate in making friends. I’ve since realized that and don’t let it bother me.
Marie says
Seyi,
I am the same- perhaps it is snobbery but I know better.
Women I groups get on my nerves! They seem to regress and behave like gees by the lake!!
Is there anyone out there looking for a friend in Ireland?
Savanah says
I totally agree with you on taking time to observe others before making friends with them. others often see you later me as being ” aloof” as well. it’s actually street smarts.
Eric Madeen says
That’s a salve to my soul. I have a tendency to overthink but to counter that I need to get back to setting a firm schedule for my creative work and stick to it, defend it with all my might. Cut off distractions and prioritize it and put the damned TV and smart phone and social media away in a drawer. And be economical with who I share my time with. A few deep friends are better than a passel of acquaintances. WHAT I most want to mention is that my oldest brother is an internet truther and over the top narcissist. He first came at me about my opinion of social media and I didn’t want to spar with him so basically ignored him after some tit for tat debating. Then six or seven months later he came back at me with the same challenge and we did a little tit for tat but it left me down. So now I don’t email him nor does he email me. He’s always been of the schadenfreude type and thus takes pleasure in laughing at some of the serious things that have happened to me that I made a mistake in sharing with him. As a boy I looked up to him grandly even though he shunned me and bullied me ad nauseum. Now that I’m not being sucked into sparring with him a la alternative media superiority, etc., and we no longer exchange emails BUT there he sits in my min too often. Ahhh. Circling back, thank you so much to both of you for your trenchant advice always.
E. Sanders says
Eric, don’t let him live rent free in your mind. He doesn’t deserve your company.
Violet says
Eric, we cannot control what others think…we can only control our response and how we choose to let us feel~I agree with E. Sanders. Don’t let him rent free in your mind. Most importantly, it’s his problem not yours, and is only he can sort through and work out for himself. Take care of your #1…You!
Penny says
Thank you so much – great reminders which I needed today! Always trying my best to just enjoy being myself and letting go of small stuff that really doesn’t matter. Letting all think & say what they may… they soon realise I’m not reacting… giving me peace of mind & I’m getting better at it as time goes by. I Enjoy your worthy advice always!
Eric R. says
Good points here. This post kinda reminds me of a saying I like and have written at the top of my journal, “don’t curse it, don’t nurse it, don’t rehearse it, reverse it.” Overcome bad with good.
Tayler edward says
This read is so timely in reminding me to be bigger and controlling how I respond to how others treat me. I will keep these quotes close and refer to them often. I also love the responses here in being reminded that others are sensitive and take everything to heart… We are all only human and it’s easy to forget to be tolerant of others – this will be my guide to do better…thank you.
David Cleroux says
“This little trick can positively change the way we see people who offend us. Let’s say someone has just said something unpleasant to us. How dare they! Who do they think they are? They have no consideration for our feelings! But of course, with a heated reaction like this, we’re not having any consideration for their feelings either — they may be suffering inside in unimaginable ways. By remembering this, we can try to show them empathy, and realize that their behavior is likely driven by some kind of inner pain. They are being unpleasant as a coping mechanism for their pain. And so, mentally, we can give them a hug. We can have compassion for this broken person, because we all have been broken and in pain at some point too. We’re the same in many ways. Sometimes we need a hug, some extra compassion, and a little unexpected love.”
This thought of a mental hug when negative emotions begin to overwhelm us is a real good suggestion to put into practice. I recently had to ask for a reimbursement from a dental office that had done a root canal on a tooth that has broken off a few weeks later. I went to another dentist for a filling to rectify the problem and when the fist dental office returned my call about it he asked me to explain the situation so I gave the explanation. He then said well what happened and I explained it again. He again asked what had happened and I explained a third time and was getting perturbed by this time and ask to be transferred to a higher authority and he replied “I’m the person taking care of this situation”, and asked me to explain again and by this time I burst out with if you don’t reimburse me I will take you to court. He replied that my tone of voice was not helpful and I totally, frustratingly agreed and said you are not listening. Then he asked for the other dentist number that had repaired the damaged tooth which I did, and we hung up. He then called back and asked the same question but in a different way, and I realized that he was after the details of the dental work at his office. I proceeded to give him the details of the every step the dentist and the radiologist assistant had done. To which he replied in a very well mannered way and with an extended apology, and the reimbursement. It didn’t pay for me to get upset with the miscommunication, and next time something like this happens I’m gonna have to… “mentally, we can give them a hug” instead. Sorry that this is so long. Hugs.
Deborah L. says
LOVED this article. Thank you sooooo much for posting it. I tend to blame myself for everything whenever someone gets mad at me and cuts me out of having a relationship with them. This article definitely points out how I need to keep it in its proper perspective and realize it may not be about me but about something the other person is going through.
Savanah says
I totally agree with you on taking time to observe others before making friends with them. others often see me as being ” aloof” as well. it’s actually street smarts.
Betty says
Just want to add that a person’s “attack”, etc. is an interpretation of what he/she sees as truth — and all interpretations are subjective. As is your response. So subjective opinion + subjective opinion = another subjective opinion. They’re all just opinions, not absolutely or necessarily facts.
Only need to get angry over facts (concrete reality that you concretely know you have to deal with in order to self-care.)
Blow it all off … “Later for you” (stated either mentally to yourself, or verbally out loud).
Dee says
Have had to figure out these tactics-, even painful as it can be to get thru until it works! Have a very difficult client to work with every week (sometimes every day) who came from an abusive past & also struggles maintaining sobriety. But she’s loaded & always willing to pay (on time too!) for all/any services rendered to her—so what self-employed wouldn’t try to put up with bad behavior for that? But it does take every one of M&A’s suggestions mentioned here to cope with it all. Not always easy but i try to remain compassionate, knowing all about the client’s background. She really has few friends for obvious reasons. Some days its ez’r than others…& I’m always finally just hoping God will reward us in the end…
James Huber says
What somebody says about me is none of my business.
Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.
Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it.
Forgiveness is even more the one forgiving than the one being forgiven.
“(Note: The strongest sign of your growth is knowing you’re no longer stressed by the trivial things that once used to drain you.)” Amen!
Just be nice.
Katie says
Thank you for this, just what I needed to read on a Monday morning. I have been struggling recently with bereavement, and a family members mental health and constant emotional bullying tactics and rumor spreading, as I am seen as a kind, sensitive person. It’s always about them and I need to try and detach and not feel so much hurt when this happens and feel compassion for them but practice boundaries too. Thanks again.