Too often we overestimate the significance of one big defining moment and underestimate the value of making a little progress every day.
You’re probably familiar with what’s known as the Serenity Prayer. It goes like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
There’s an important lesson here — one that’s very often glossed over…
When a chaotic reality is swirling around us, we often try to relieve our anxiety by exerting our will over external things we cannot control.
It helps us stave off one of the most dreaded feelings: complete powerlessness.
With that in mind, I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that generally speaking, almost everything is outside your control. What other people do, whether it will rain tomorrow, whether or not your efforts will be appreciated — all of these outcomes depend on factors that aren’t YOU.
But that’s also the good news.
The friction and frustration created by trying to change things you cannot change is the crucible where a ton of unhappiness is born. Accepting that most things are outside your influence gives you explicit permission to let them unfold as they may.
Stoic philosopher Epictetus put it this way:
“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our actions.”
Overcoming the “three big un’s” that so many of us struggle with daily — unhappiness, unconvinced things will ever change, unsure what to do next — begins with understanding what you can control and what you cannot.
The mental shift here is not easy. Most of us have spent a lifetime worrying about things that we can’t control. Society practically encourages this. For most, it’s a bona fide habit — one that should be replaced with a healthy understanding of how much we can actually change. Again though, it’s hard to get your mind wrapped around all this when you’re constantly hearing…
“Why don’t you just get over it?” or “Just let it go.”
We’ve all heard some flavor of this advice before. And it passes the sniff test, to a certain extent.
I mean, “time heals all wounds,” right? Well, yes… sort of. But wounds heal differently depending on how they’re treated.
Left alone, a gash in your skin will leave a large scar and be vulnerable to injury again in the future. This is why we get stitches — it helps the wound heal in a way that limits the chance of re-injury down the road.
Emotional wounds work the same way. Given enough time, most emotional pain will diminish — that’s true. But…
Just “Getting Over It” Leaves Scars
In the emotional sense, scars equal baggage — baggage we carry with us into every aspect of our lives. These scars grow and accumulate until one day you wake up suffering from one or more of the “three un’s” (unhappiness, unconvinced things will ever change, unsure what to do next).
So, don’t get over it. Go through it, one step at a time.
Honestly, I understand the desire to “get over” difficult experiences or situations rather than facing them. Revisiting painful memories or facing our present demons is really, really hard. And we as human beings are hard-wired to not cause ourselves pain.
However, as our parents taught us, ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away.
And in addition to the scars, to ignore or downplay a wound puts you at risk for infection, emotionally as well as physically.
Unresolved issues in your life take up residence in your mind and influence your decisions, your relationships, and your attitudes. They rob you of your happiness and potential.
Of course, doing the hard yet necessary things to resolve your issues and heal your wounds can feel impossible. This is how Marc and I felt a decade and a half ago when we were knocked down and stuck in a rut after simultaneously losing two loved ones — including my dear brother — to self-harm and illness. It was nearly impossible to move anywhere significant when we didn’t feel we had the strength to push forward.
So if you’re feeling this way now — like it’s impossible to make significant progress today — you aren’t wrong for feeling what you feel. In many cases, you’re right: significant progress comes gradually with time and consistency. It’s all about taking one tiny positive step at a time, and staying the course.
Consider the following section, which is an excerpt from “The Good Morning Journal”:
The Power of Tiny Changes
Think about the fact that it only takes a one degree change in temperature to convert water to vapor, or ice to water. It’s such a tiny change — just one step in a different direction — and yet the results are dramatic. A tiny change can make all the difference in the world.
Now consider another example where a tiny change is compounded by time and distance. Perhaps you’re trying to travel somewhere specific, but you’re off course by just one tiny degree in the wrong direction…
- After one mile, you would be off course by over 92 feet.
- If you were trying to travel from San Francisco to Washington, D.C., you would land near Baltimore, Maryland, over 42 miles away from your desired destination.
- Traveling around the world from Washington, D.C. back to Washington D.C., you’d miss by 435 miles and end up landing near Boston instead.
- In a spaceship traveling to the moon, a one-degree error would have you missing the moon by over 4,100 miles.
You get the idea — over time and distance, a mere one-degree change in course makes a significant difference…
This same philosophy holds true in various aspects of our lives. The tiniest and most fundamental things we do each day — positive and negative alike — can make all the difference. They either bring us closer or farther away from where we ultimately want to be. And yet, we mostly ignore this reality. We default to behaving as if our daily actions won’t ever be significant enough. Or, again, we try to exert control over the bigger things we have no control over.
Think about it…
- How many people uphold unhealthy and unproductive habits?
- How many people wait around and procrastinate on the next positive step?
- How many people live every day of their lives moving one degree away from where they ultimately want to be?
Don’t be one of them!
Truth be told, everyone travels 24 hours a day whether they’re moving in the right direction or not.
How much richer would your life be if you committed yourself to making just one degree of effort toward improving something about your situation each day?
And even though it will surely be harder than doing nothing, it doesn’t even have to be anything that hard. You just need to muster up the courage to break free from the status quo and take one small, fundamental step forward today, and then do it again tomorrow.
Pick something tiny and productive to improve upon, and then make it a daily habit.
Doing so will make all the difference in the world — it could literally change your life — just a few short weeks down the road.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to focus on those fundamental yet life-changing steps today. So give yourself some credit right now for how far you’ve come, and then take the next step forward.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Barra says
I absolutely love the one degree of change analogy. It made me look at things differently and I needed that turn around. I’ve appreciated all your advice and insight over the past year or so. Keep it coming!
Maryann says
Wow can I relate to this!
You often hear about making that first step, or one step at a time… that one degree of change is very relavant right now.
I work for myself as a graphic artist and have really struggled in the past year and a half. I lost a big client back in March who provided a steady monthly income, lost a contract job recently due to budget cuts and have had multiple other great opportunities fall through the cracks for various reasons that I had no control over. Through all this I feel like I’ve taken 3 steps forward and 8 steps back. It’s been very frustrating as freelancer and business owner and has caused a lot of financial strain.
You are SO correct in saying that making that 1 percent change can be just the thing that will change your course. I know I fret a LOT about work and money. I know I fret a LOT about what to do next and all that does it just keeps me stuck where I am. Thanks for the encouragement to just make those baby steps to keep life moving forward. I’m sure in some ways I do that but honestly, I need all the encouragement I can get these days!! Thank you!
Waterlover says
I’m 72 and five months ago I decided to completely change my life and move to a different city; to close my past and start a new life. Needless to say this is been a daunting task. An endless stream of disconnected events been overwhelming. Although all of Marc and Angel’s articles have been bountiful, this one really fit, especially today. There are so many loose ends that I have to tie up and I’m overwhelmed. This advice was exactly what I needed today… Just get a certain amount of small things done every day and they will amount to the big picture. Thank you so much! Please continue to post and publish for us in the trenches.
Margret Howard says
Hello Waterlover.
I’m writing to you from hot & sunny Southern Australia. I can identify with everything you wrote (about closing your past & moving to a different city). All went well for 6mths then reality set in. I wasted 18mths adjusting to ‘the big move’ & have only recently started to make small shifts/changes to my new routines & habits.
Thank you Marc&Angel for describing ‘one degree change in course’ … now I have an achievable plan!
– Grandma of 4
Rose says
Thank you for your comment and thank you, Marc and angel, for this essay and your constant wisdom. It is so lovely to feel that there are people just like me working on our lives– that I am not alone. I am blessed by the community. And I’m blessed by your comment, so enjoy sunny Australia. That sounds like a huge move to me, in the USA.
Pea says
I am in the same boat as you at this time (moving to a completely new city) and it is SO true that even a tiny step is better than standing still.
Gina says
This is one of the best articles I’ve read from you recently, Marc and Angel. Recognizing the things I cannot control and letting ‘go’ as best I can. Caregiving for both of my Parents, whom I adore (Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother) and their eventual deaths has been overwhelming in every way. But I have faith. God has never let me down. Including giving you the inspiration for this essay and making the essay available to me just when I need it. Grateful.
Tom Franco says
I’m in a very dark place right now. There are many things out of my control that are affecting my wife and me. Your advice makes so much sense. She and I need to stop trying to change what we can’t and take those tiny steps where we can. We may not be able to change somethings but we can control how we respond to it. Thank you for the essay today.
Bailey Whitney says
Oh my, just like the “1000+ Things Happy Successful People Do” book, this was just what I needed to read today. And just like the book, every morning your emails seem to just open to what I need at that moment. Thank you so much for the email linking to this post today. I have been struggling a little lately and know that I can make small one degree changes and this reminded me of that.
Thanks
B
Monty says
THANK YOU, Angel! You’ve added another great credo to my daily recitations: “Significant progress comes gradually with time and consistency. It’s all about taking one tiny positive step at a time, and staying the course.”
I relate to MaryAnn, one of the commenters above. I cherish my livelihood as a music services provider and instructor, but I LONG to also finally bring to reality a self-publishing endeavor for growing musicians. Tight schedule, tight pocket & tight expectations make it feel daunting, but you & Marc have helped me to see that conscious choice of faith and small, fundamental steps can TURN THAT AROUND! Thanks again!
Nancy says
Ha! Funny yet not funny how the perfect message arrives at the perfect time. I was struggling yesterday and decided to do two things:
Accept my icky feelings as being okay, just feel what I’m feeling.
Focus as often as I remembered on the beauty in the present moment.
The day ended well.
Today I read your post, see exactly this message, and feel proud of me for using the situation as an opportunity. Life is OK.
Randy Grady says
I received a framed picture with the Serenity Prayer on it around 1995. I managed a work operation that was very chaotic for the next 30 years. I hung the prayer near my closet door so I saw it every morning before going to work. It gave me a perspective that changed the way I handled the chaos from that time on. Serenity, Courage and Wisdom. After reading your article… I believe your full explanation of the prayer makes sense how I could read the prayer and easily perform my job!!
Dolly Ragust says
I believe that this article came to me today intended. As I really needed this insight badly today.
I’m very down in the dumps and feeling badly.
As an 81 year old I am seeing many friends leaving. Some through death; some through relocation, some going to assisted living, some through sickness.
It’s a hard thing to lose these friends that has been important to your life.
I became very lonely and depressed and had no energy left inside me.
But I have always been a dreamer and fighter.
So I pushed myself to go to the library and see if I could find some activities.
I did find a Seniors group. The people were very nice. I signed up for a day trip and met two nice ladies and we exchanged telephone numbers.
I left there with hope in my heart and feeling so much better.
It was hard taking that first step and putting myself out there. I am proud that I did it. I am feeling renewed and looking forward to making some new friends and not being so sad and lonely anymore.
One step at a time!
Thank you for such inspiration!
Kimberly Richmond says
Marc and Angel, I don’t know if you will read or see this message, but I NEEDED to read these words today. I have been on a hamster wheel at work, pulling 14+ hours days, non stop travel and going and going and going. I don’t know how to say “no”, but my body has finally FORCED me to slow down. I’ve been extremely ill for three weeks now which has forced me to take time of work and I believe this was a blessing in disguise. I’m viewing this as an opportunity to re evaluate my work/life balance (I currently have none.) It’s been MAGICAL not opening up a laptop, being on a plane or in a million meetings a day. I am taking care of me and am going to make some changes.I think I needed to read this to give me the courage to know it will be okay. I truly appreciate you guys and your work on this site.
Nidhi says
How do you come up with such positive thinking?! I’ve only been reading past couple of weeks and found it very helpful. Thank you.
Roberto says
Angel,
Your words strongly echo an awareness phrase I have always thought of when I see a difficult or seemingly impossible task ahead: Attributed to philosopher Lao Tzu: The longest journey begins with a single step.
Thanks for the deep and meaningful advice for all of us!
David Cleroux says
The “Serenity Prayer”, encapsulates your message in this essay perfectly. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Just as having control over the little events of the day = progress, being in tune enough to living that prayer, makes the way ahead clearer. It’s still a matter of being faithful one day at a time and of taking one step at a time. As Epictetus stated, some things are in our control and others aren’t. Faith, love and prayer help to endure all things.
Thank you so much for another encouraging essay. Hugs!
Richard Kina says
Angel: As usual, great advice. One thing to remember, EVERYTHING comes to he who waits.
B says
Thank you for this essay bc it is really about realism and practicality — and “doable” action(s). It reminded me that there is more help/wisdom to be found in the pages of the Bible (serenity prayer). It also made me recall “One small step for mankind… the first words spoken as the US reached the moon…
Marie says
As a retired nurse I love the wound healing analogy.
Thanks to you two wonderful people some old wounds are healing beautifully and I’m in a much happier place this year since discovering your posts.
I did at first beat myself up for not getting there fast so appreciate the going through and being patient with myself and learning to love me too.
Thank you xx
Barbara Durel says
Thank you so much for this beautiful reminder. When I was first introduced to the Serenity Prayer I was a workaholic who had driven myself to a breakdown. Even then I argued with it. Asking “how can you know if you can change it unless you try?” It took forever to grasp that I can only change me. I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer and have been agonizing on next steps and making the “right” treatment decisions as I’m no longer one to blindly follow a doctor’s orders. I see now that there is no perfect decision that will guarantee the outcome I want. I cannot control this. I must instead find a way to accept what I cannot change and find peace.
George Crosby says
I appreciate the article today I enjoyed the 1 degree part the most. I retired from a career that was easy to say the neck within and just caused me to loose all hope. It has carried over to my retirement and not a days by that I don’t consider my entire time in my occupation a failure. It is time to heal and quit remembering what I can’t change
Thank you for this article
The Crosby
LARRY says
Your insights and encouragement are very helpful! Thank you!
Tonia says
In the energy of navigating change, small progress is always worth celebrating. That mini-celebration brings in more reasons to celebrate. It’s a lot like getting lost, but in the right direction. Something a mentor told me is to stop focusing so much on the outcome and reel it back to creating a result that is 10% better than the day before. This has shifted my perspective to celebrating all the small wins along the way. Sometimes, in the messy-middle, we have to be our own biggest cheerleader. Gratitude for this post. It helps me see in clarity, without a doubt, that I am exactly where I am meant to be.
MaryE2 says
At the moment, and for the past month, I have been in a vortex of chaos. No immediate fixes. But, it is best (for me) to make sure I eat well, get 8 hours in bed, get in a daily walk while things are percolating. Often a solution or two that are easy will come to me and I will apply both–however outside of the box they are. Often there is no perfect fix, but I figure that is within 5% of perfect and will do. One I learned from Douglas Adams: when lost, follow a car until you know where you are. Only once was it into a driveway!
David says
When we consider how an athlete has to prepare on a daily basis to overcome their weaknesses and achieve their goals, in due time and with a desire to become whatever life has led us to, as an individual or a group it is in following the most accomplished being and reflecting the light that is shed upon us that gives us the desire to reach our highest state of being. In all walks of life; love, humility and prayerfulness, are the essential… whether you win or lose the goal is to remain faithful. Thanks for the essays. Hugs.
Evi says
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I can tell that it has put me in a lot of thinking and encouragement.