On the average day happiness is letting go of what you assume life is supposed to be like, and sincerely appreciating it for everything it is.
Over the past 15 years, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.
For example, there are a number of times when our minds cling to unhelpful ideals…
- Life isn’t suppose to be this way, I need it to be different
- There is only one thing I want, I can’t be happy without it
- I am absolutely right, the other person is absolutely wrong
- This person should love me, and want to be with me
- I should not be alone, should not be overweight, should not be exactly how I am right now, etc.
In all of these common examples the mind holds on tight to something—an ideal—that isn’t real. And after awhile the inevitable happens—lots of unnecessary stress, anxiety, unhappiness, self-righteousness, self-hate, and depressive emotions ensue.
So how can we stop holding on so tight?
By realizing that there’s almost nothing to hold on to in the first place.
Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, certain, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or at least partially imagined in our minds. Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we remind ourselves of this and live accordingly.
Today, let’s start practicing…
1. Practice letting everything breathe.
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
2. Practice accepting your present reality, and just floating.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.
Truth be told, inner peace begins the moment you take a new breath and choose not to allow an uncontrollable event to dominate you in the present. You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
3. Practice challenging the stories you keep telling yourself.
Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we simply took the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” A wonderful way to do this is by using a reframing tool we initially picked up from research professor Brene Brown, which we then tailored through our coaching work with students and live event attendees. We call the tool The story I’m telling myself. Although asking the question itself—“What else could this mean?”—can help reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase The story I’m telling myself as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created many “aha moments” for our students and clients in recent times.
Here’s how it works: The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you. For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase: The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.
Then ask yourself these questions:
- Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?
Give yourself the space to think it all through carefully.
Challenge yourself to think better on a daily basis—to challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal” is a great tool for daily reality checks and perspective shifts.)
4. Practice putting the figurative glass down.
Twenty years ago, when Angel and I were just undergrads in college, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we’ve never forgotten. On the last day of class before graduation, she walked up on stage to teach one final lesson, which she called “a vital lesson on the power of perspective and mindset.” As she raised a glass of water over her head, everyone expected her to mention the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” metaphor. Instead, with a smile on her face, our professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”
Students shouted out answers ranging from a couple of ounces to a couple of pounds.
After a few moments of fielding answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass is irrelevant. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the absolute weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”
As most of us students nodded our heads in agreement, she continued. “Your worries, frustrations, disappointments, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a little while and nothing drastic happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to feel noticeable pain. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed, incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”
Think about how this relates to your life right now.
If you’ve been struggling to cope with the weight of what’s on your mind today, it’s a strong sign that it’s time to put the figurative glass down…
Let go to renew faith in yourself.
A big part of practicing letting go is gradually renewing your own faith in yourself. This “renewed faith” means finding the willingness to live with uncertainty, to feel your way through each day, to let your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark. It’s about standing firmly on your own two legs in the present, without the crutches you’ve been holding on to, and gradually taking small steps forward.
You are strong enough to take those steps!
You’ve got this!
So what if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough and you are enough in each and every moment? What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough to move forward one step at a time? What if, for today, you choose to accept people exactly as they are, and life exactly as it is? What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to let go and celebrate your daily progress? And what if, tomorrow, you choose to do it all over again?
Practice making those choices…
Practice letting go and renewing the faith you once had in both yourself and the world around you.
Now it’s your turn!
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
How has holding on too tight affected your life?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Em says
I love the part about just floating. I have this massive fear of being unanchored vessel without control. But I realise to change and evolve I need to let go, start floating instead of clutching at straws. I’m glad I took time to read this essay today.
Zdh says
Perfectly said.
Karen Myers says
Love every part of this love letter Marc and Angel! Soooo good! This is my Christmas present to myself and others this year! Blessings to you both…you make such a positive difference!
Bev says
Best one yet…….. letting go…. thanks
Marilyn Burgundy says
You wake up one day and you finally get it.
John Hoover says
Enjoyed this article.Holding in too tightly for too long can become a burden.Makes sense.
Anne says
With all the stuff posted on the web, it’s so refreshing to find a great read, with such a relevant and relatable topic… told in a very honest and unambiguous manner. Thank you! Looking forward to more!
K Cartwright says
Hi, I couldn’t find the comments box so I’m attaching myself to this one! I appreciate your glass of water narrative and will use it teaching high school in regional WA. It is so very true. Although I do believe that it’s important to grieve in order to move on from a traumatic event and then let go if necessary. I have a difficult time accepting family members for who they are when their behaviours negatively affect me; I find it hard to be the bigger person and love them in spite of themselves. But take each day as it comes. Maybe one day I’ll be more forgiving.
Seeme says
This could not have come at a better time. Long story short I just this morning journaled that I have to let go of a relationship I really wanted. The other person is a mess and isn’t willing to release her illusions. I’ve been wanting to save her but as I journaled it just popped out “I am letting go”. I felt that. Didn’t know I was thinking that but whoof.
Time to let her breathe, and let myself breathe and let go for awhile.
Thank you.
Amara says
Breathe.
Reframe.
Shush the voices in my head.
Keep the glass down before it damages a nerve.
These things I know but must be reminded of. Thank you.
Diane says
Exactly what I needed today as I prepare to go on a 2-week trip with 10 other women (new friends). I’ve been creating in my thoughts, not so good stories about how I will be received. Our article reminded to just be me, cause they like that version of me! So I will just breathe and live each moment in joy for new experiences I will have!
D says
Yes, there are a lot of uncertainties. Life itself is uncertain, tomorrow is uncertain. I’ve learned that there’s a time to let go… of things that I have no control over.
Then there’s a time to hold on… to what I believe is right and true .. i.e. that I am right where I’m supposed to be at this time, in the situation that I am supposed to be in and working at what I’m supposed to be accomplishing. Living outside the box, allows for more malleability… I am become all things to all men. Staying positive is extremely beneficial… and leaving the past behind with hope for the future is a very real part of that. I don’t have to allow it to affect the present or the future. I’m simply looking to be the blessing that I desire to be in whatever capacity I’m able to be.
Helen says
Very insightful essay. Was just pondering this letting go of a relationship earlier tonight. Trying to put all the right sentences together in my head to have this conversation with him. He’s a great guy in many ways and I’ll be sad to let our many years go, but I’ve come to the realization that it’s never going to be anything more than friends and I don’t want to continue on this same path, holding on for some glimmer of hope. You’ve said a lot of things that make total sense and I shall follow through with this much needed wisdom. Thank you for helping me see the light.
Adina says
What an amazing essay! I really needed to hear this today. I’ve been going through a process of simplifying my life and de-cluttering, mentally, spiritually, and physically. So these words and this message really helps puts everything into perspective for me.
Ash says
I needed this article today. I was “telling myself a story” over and over again and it truly was starting to change my mood. This article hit on a lot of good points. I will remember to think about the stories I tell myself. Breathe in everything. And not hold on to things too long to avoid the pain.
Sheri says
Great and helpful essay. #4 especially hit home. My son and I lost my husband/his dad suddenly 5 years ago, and that “glass” has weighed us down ever since. This is an eye-opener that I look forward to sharing with my son. Letting go is a gradual process, but it’s one that must be practiced.
Karin says
Sheri, I was touched by your story in the comment above. It does take practice and intention. You sound like a very caring and wise woman/Mother. I send much good will to your process of letting go
Karen
Abdul says
Profound article and this needs to be practiced until it becomes a habit! We are programmed/hard wired to hang on to thoughts of things which have not been resolved yet and the simple “letting go” principle is the solution. Need to consciously practice this. Very good piece. Came to me at the right time. Thanks for the reminder! Appreciate it!
Toufik says
I have never commented on any kind of articles. But today I had to. This whole essay was so good. Thanks to you two. I’ve been holding on waaay too tight to a few things in my life and I need to breathe. It’s time to let go. I needed this push today.
Ying says
This makes me ponder so much about the pain and difficulties I am going through right at this moment. It absolutely says what I am feeling inside – suffocated, exasperated, deflated, exhausted – as no matter what I do, it all falls back to the things I hold on too hard but were never meant to be. This in very inspiring and I needed it. I need to let go, baby steps, but I really need to move on. Thank you for all the amazing articles you have been sharing. Every morning, after reading them, I find inspirations and motivations for the day. I often remind myself of the positive values I learn from your articles so I will remember to celebrate the little wins I have throughout the day.
Joyce N. says
Wow, you’ve spoken to my soul.
I need to put that glass down so I can be relieved from all the pain of my break up.
Am working on it. Day by day..
Thank you.
Theresa Cushman says
I agree , so hard but necessary.
Geraldine Tucker says
You always provide me with something to think about. I have been holding on to several things that I need to let go of. Your article gives me the direction I need to face myself and do the work. I write about faith but now I need to live in it. thank you for your wisdome.
Jenny says
For years I have worried about situations I cannot control. My family affectionately call me the ‘worrier of worriers’. I can lie awake anxiously worrying about anything and everything, my mind continually racing from the endless thoughts. My mind is often full of ‘what ifs’ and ‘ how can I help ‘. Reading this article has given me an insight into how to try and change this mindset and thus feel lighter and happier.
Sachin Kote says
I love the way you put the words here.
I exactly needed this at this point of time. The timing is perfect. Thanks.
It felt like the article found me to say something.
Anette says
Thank you for a wonderful lesson! Our intuition, will not fail you! That being said I can now tap into that more and trust it!!!!
Stan Foster says
Decluttering and simplifying my life has been challenging, almost debilitating, because I falsely have imagined that I have been “appointed” as the caretaker of my family’s history, documents and heirlooms, Sustaining the weight of that “glass of water” painfully impedes letting go, breathing freely, and running headlong toward my new life of traveling, writing, volunteering, coaching and sailing. The “controller” in me has, itself, been controlled by my childhood restrictions and lack of unconditional love. I am discovering faith, letting go, and embracing serendipity. WOW! Thank you, Marc and Angel.
ilsabe spoelstra says
Thank you for this post.
The “positive” subject draws my attention. It is a wonderful challenge for me.
It reminded me of the following:
The power of now.
The power of habit.
The power of mindset.
The power of attitude.
The power of letting go….
Jeanne J says
Great advice. I came to the understanding a while ago that I can’t ‘make’ my siblings want to engage with me. We are all adults & make our own decisions in this life. Mum was the glue that kept us all together. Since her passing my siblings have decided not to keep up with me. In any shape or form. So I wish them well & move forward with peace & don’t worry about what I ‘could ‘ have said or done differently. No amount of worrying on my part is going to change anything. I’ve kept the channels of communication open, although one sided, far too long. They know where I am.
Alizae says
A well thought-out and articulated essay. Very insightful, thank you!
Christina says
I needed this article desperately. I actually copied parts that resonated with me and pasted them into the text messages that I sent to myself to remind me of what’s important. Long story short, I’ve had a year. I lost my job, fell and hurt myself last month, broke up with my boyfriend of 3+ years, and I’m pregnant. I’m depressed, tired, and frustrated most of the time and feel that I don’t know who I am anymore. The phrase, “you are not what happened to you” resonated deeply with me. I feel like so much is out of my control but I can control my own narrative and what I tell myself daily. I have trouble relinquishing control but then I worry too much about other people. I need to remember to let those around me breathe and to float more often. I need to believe that I am enough.
Daniel Azasoo says
I agree with you. Letting go is the surest way to make progress in life. Thank you for the write-up on this very important topic.
Janet says
This was probably the most helpful article I’ve read so far. Your words feel so supportive, and motivating- that means so much to some people. I never knew “how” to let go, I mean truly feel just a little bit better. As I read your words, I did exactly what you said and I really did start to feel less pressure. Your comparisons and details were so real. Thank you, so much.
Delilah Moore says
I find it hard to just let everything breathe when I cant barely breathe myself…or the comment about accepting my present reality and floating.. I also can’t do..see i have great tremendous compound grief that hurts so bad I cant even begin to accept it much less accept my life as it is now. Because my life should not be this way..ishould not be living without my youngest daughter, or my one and only older brother, or my 2 first cousins that were there for me when my youngest daughter left this world or my 3 best friends that I knew for 30 plus years. All these people passed since 2021 ..nit to mention my parents all my grandparents.. how does one go on? Im nit trying to be sarcastic i really need to know..I am in therapy but t he grief is so new. Ive accepted my mama and my grandparents being gone..because they been gone since i was a teenager. accepting my daughter and my brother thats a whole new ballgame…
June Brown says
Your articles always speak to me at time when I need it the most. Today was that time. At this time of year, I hold on to that “glass” and will not put it down. Thank you for reminding me to PUT IT DOWN.
Nannette CARRINGTON says
Wonderful essay! I need to practice this everyday
Thank you for sharing!
Sandy says
Excelent advice that I will keep and reread! Trying to emotionally support a family member has been overwhelming at times. I see their struggles and how hard they are trying but I need to set good boundaries. An ongoing challenge but this article helps.
Hema bhandari says
I loved the way you explained important things with beautiful examples, especially that the more we hold on to our frustration and disappointments, the more it hurts us .
Ann says
Much needed counsel in the midst of grief, family conflict , & family decisions to be made knowing will change our future. Thank you.
Sharon says
I have actually read this insightful article once before, but tonight I get the lesson of letting people breath. Meaning accepting them for who they are. I fought that before because accepting liers, deceivers, and people who want to hurt my reputation is just not acceptable. But now I see that accepting them , and not being able to change them is somehow freeing. After many years it’s time to truely lay them at God’s feet and believe He is at work in my favor and for His good.
David Cleroux says
“Truth be told, inner peace begins the moment you take a new breath and choose not to allow an uncontrollable event to dominate you in the present. You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again.”
This is a great quote. We always have a lot to be thankful for and good relations is a very important one, and one that I’m grateful others deem as important also. Merry Christmas. Hugs