The goal is to change your response to what you can’t control — to gradually grow stronger on the inside, so less on the outside affects your inner peace and happiness without your conscious permission.
The mind is the biggest battleground. It’s the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where we all develop thinking habits that put us in direct opposition with reality — where the things we fear drain us but never actually happen. It’s where our expectations get the best of us, and we fall victim to our own trains of thought, again and again.
Truth be told, in the game of life we all receive a unique set of unexpected limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you think about and respond to the hands you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof, or you can empower yourself to play the game sensibly and resourcefully, making the very best of each outcome as it arises, even when it’s hard to accept.
The bottom line is that when you can’t control what’s happening in the world around you, you must challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening, by better managing your habits of mind. Of course that’s much easier said than done though, because it’s hard to change the thinking habits we engage in mostly at a subconscious level. But we can get better by bringing more awareness to what we’re doing…
So today let’s take a look at three thinking habits Angel and I have seen draining hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees of their joy and inner peace, consistently over the past 15 years…
1. The habit of expecting things to be a certain way.
Imagine you had a ripe, juicy tangerine sitting on the table in front of you. You pick it up eagerly, take a bite, and begin to taste it.
You already know how a ripe, juicy tangerine should taste, and so when this one is a bit tarter than expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment, and swallow it, feeling cheated out of the experience you expected.
Or perhaps the tangerine tastes completely normal — nothing special at all. So, you swallow it without even pausing to appreciate its flavor as you move on to the next unworthy bite, and the next.
In the first scenario, the tangerine let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations. In the second, it was too plain because it met your expectations to a T.
Do you see the irony here?
It’s either not good or not good enough. This is how many of us live our lives… unhappily and unsuccessfully. It’s why so many of us feel let down, drained, and unexcited so often…
Because nothing really meets our expectations.
Now imagine you try this instead: remove your expectations of how the tangerine “should” taste. You don’t know, and you don’t expect to know, because you haven’t even tried it yet. Instead, you’re genuinely curious, impartial, and open to a variety of possible flavors. You taste it, and you truly pay attention. You notice the juiciness, the texture of the pulp, the simultaneously tangy, tart, and sweet flavors swirling around on your tongue, and all the other complex sensations that arise in your awareness as you chew. You didn’t know how this tangerine would taste, but now you realize it’s different from the rest, and it’s remarkable in its own way. It’s a totally new experience — a worthwhile experience — because you’ve never tasted this tangerine before.
Mindfulness experts often refer to this as “beginner’s mind,” but really, it’s just the result of a mind-set free of needless, stifling expectations.
The tangerine, of course, can be substituted for almost anything in your life: any event, any situation, any relationship, any person, any thought at all that enters your mind. If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way, or be too plain and unexciting to even remember. And you’ll just move on to the next disappointment or unworthy life experience, and the next, and the next, and so on and so forth, until you’ve lived the vast majority of your life stuck in an habitual cycle of experiences you barely like or barely even notice.
2. The habit of inner resistance.
You might be surprised by how often you subconsciously resist life. If you evaluate your body and posture right now, I bet you can find some kind of tension. For me it’s often in my neck, but sometimes it’s in my back and shoulders.
Where does this tension we feel come from? We’re resisting something — perhaps we’re annoyed by someone, frustrated at life, overwhelmed by all our obligations, or just bored. And our inner resistance creates a tension in our bodies and weakness in our lives. Therefore, Angel and I often recommend this simple strategy to people who are struggling to relieve themselves of their resistance and tension:
- Locate the tension in your body right now.
- Notice what you’re resisting and tensing up against — it might be a situation or person you’re dealing with or avoiding.
- Relax the tense area of your body — deep breath and a quick stretch often helps.
- Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.
Repeat this practice as often as needed. Face each day with less tension and more presence. Change your mode of being from one of struggle and resistance to one of flow and acceptance.
3. The habit of focusing only on what’s wrong.
The bottom line is that almost every situation imaginable has hidden beauty in it if we are willing to open up to it. For example, in the past, even as Angel and I coped with the death of loved ones, we discovered opportunities for us to appreciate life more, to celebrate the lives of those we’ve lost, and to tune in to the priceless time we’ve had, and still have, with people we love.
We do our best to embody this same mindset in every difficult life situation we encounter. When we get ill, it’s a chance for us to rest. When some unforeseeable event postpones one of our business projects, we spend more time with family. When our adolescent son throws a temper tantrum, we see that he’s expressing himself, asserting his individuality, and being human.
We choose to find what’s right, even when it’s hard to see. And we can all practice this on the average day. Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. Because while a small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Again, where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to not fall back into old habits of mind simply because they’re more comfortable and easier to access right now. It’s your turn to remember that you’re leaving certain thinking habits behind today for a reason: to improve your life — because you can’t move forward if you keep going back. And it’s undoubtedly your turn to reclaim your inner peace and happiness, and make your time count going forward!
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Henly Dopo says
“Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance.”
I loved reading this. When going through the above situations, I don’t quickly tend to find the next better approach. Having more inner strength inside is better than pretending to show strength from outside.
Thank you for sharing.
Linda MN says
Hear hear Henly! That’s just what I was going to say! It is so empowering to concentrate our energies on what we Can control.
-Linda MN
Beverly Barthule says
Today’s article seemed to be directed specifically toward me. I practice all 3 bad habits. This past year has been difficult as my situation has deteriorated and I find myself in a different place in my life. Recently I just made my life much more difficult by worrying about what might happen instead of paying attention to the present. I keep chastising myself about the bad things I do and I let them keep rolling over me. I truly need to learn how to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made in the past. My 85-year-old mother keeps telling me that I need to learn to forgive myself and she’s right. And these reminders here help me step forward a little today.
Barbara Altamore says
Big life changes ahead…at my own doing but it’s really happening. While my husband is resistant to this change, I’ve been excited to begin. It’s taking longer than I hoped so doubts and fears are creeping in. My back is feeling the tensions. I’m trying not to use lazy coping techniques, but they creep in there too. Then I beat myself up for it. I’m learning to accept the timeline as best as possible. I’m learning forgiveness of myself for my coping techniques. I’m learning to relax my shoulders, breath slowly, stretch more, and to just enjoy the journey of preparation and anticipation. Learning…not yet perfected. Trying to be excited and not scared. Wooo hooo! Almost there! (Thank you for these reminders. No matter how often they show up, they are just what I need to read and reread.)
Chris says
Thanks for another insightful article! I discovered all three of these principles in the beginning of my recovery journey over a decade ago. They have been difference makers in my life!
Living without stiff expectations and being open to all possibilities just works so much better…
Kaitlyn Rose says
I’m facing a life-changing situation, fraught with difficult decisions, and the hardest part has been facing change. I am reminded of what my mother said on leaving her much-loved home to enter a nursing home, “I’m grateful I got to have it and live in it all these years.”
It’s so seldom we face the indecisiveness of the future with gratitude for what is and has been, and an openness to what could be a time of growth and happiness.
If you think of change as a new chapter, it becomes a manuscript to write as you will. Your essay reminded me to start today, instead of holding on tearfully to what has been.
Thank you both for your insightful words, always spot on–and without preachiness!
Siyabonga says
You can’t move forward if you keep going back.. this just heat me…
Monika Monhoff says
The mind is the biggest battleground, that is so very true for me. It often keeps me from sleeping. It also keeps telling me everything I have done wrong. It truly is a battle.
Frans says
Through my 60+ years of working, I have listened to so many complain about their work/Boss/ other employees. I have always taken the atertude, & tried to get others to see it as well (normally unsuccessfully), that almost every job can be as pleasant as you make it! In all my years of working, I can look back & say there is not one job I hated, & I have worked from sweeping floors, cleaning toilets, to senior management! Its all a question of mindset & how you view what you are doing.
David says
“You didn’t know how this tangerine would taste, but now you realize it’s different from the rest, and it’s remarkable in its own way. It’s a totally new experience — a worthwhile experience — because you’ve never tasted this tangerine before.
Mindfulness experts often refer to this as “beginner’s mind,” but really, it’s just the result of a mind-set free of needless, stifling expectations. (Yes)
The tangerine, of course, can be substituted for almost anything in your life: any event, any situation, any relationship, any person, any thought at all that enters your mind.”
— New situations always come with some good and some not so good “fruit”. I’ve yet to see a perfect situation or perfect people.
“Face each day with less tension and more presence. Change your mode of being from one of struggle and resistance to one of flow and acceptance.”
–Absolutely. Hugs.
Sereta says
Thank you for for your articles, they have made me look at my life in a more positive setting. Mind over matter as they say.
Pete Sacco says
Good morning guys. On point article as usual.
The mind only becomes a battleground when it forgets it’s part of a larger system. When thought is grounded in the body’s lived experience and guided by a deeper sense of purpose and trust, clarity replaces conflict. We may not choose the hand we’re dealt, but when awareness, sensation, and meaning move together, life becomes less about struggle and more about skillful navigation—this, for me, is the essence that I also wrote about in my book, Living in Bliss: Achieve a Balanced Existence of Body, Mind, and Spirit.
Susan says
Thank you Marc & Angel. This was particularly interesting to me for the simple fact as you say the mind is everything. I am one to think a lot, always wanting things to be better which is fine but realistically knowing that things are the way they should be. I am not in control. I am learning to be the best version of myself for my family, for my friends, for humanity. Lots of love!
Amy says
I’ve been going through chemo for the past six months (was recently declared cancer free, but have to complete the final treatments) and I’ve learned a lot about letting go of expectations.
Each test, each treatment, each recovery period has become an opportunity to practice letting go of any outcomes I think “should” be happening.
I really feel like this is one of the most spiritually important lessons of my life.
Laura says
Thank you for all your wonderful advise. It helps bring light to the situation when I am feeling down.
Monica says
I really enjoy this newsletter. I find myself with journal prompts and healthy food for thought after reading each one.
I do wish that you offered a subscription based version on Patreon without ads, that was easily printable.
Christine says
One of my biggest problems is the condition of the country right now and how powerless I am. I don’t like being powerless. I’m also a negative person. The glass has always been half empty since I was a little kid. I grew up with a lot of anger and criticism.
What I realize is that I don’t know how to turn my thinking around.
I don’t know how to shut off the anger and resentment.
I have every reason to enjoy life and I don’t. I really don’t like Christmas. It’s filled with too many expectations and stuff.
Today I will try to let go of the expectations and keep my head and feet in the same place. I will try to actually relax and do something I enjoy doing.
Carolyn Fredlund says
Thank you for these insights. I live with someone who displays these habits daily and it robs others ( those who love him) of joy as well.
LIONEL PINTO says
The crux of the story is acceptance without judging or expectations. The problem is that we report to capitalism and capitalism doesn’t accept things the way they are. It is brutal and this mindset trickles down to everything we do. Like in my apartment dribbling court there is no cover on top and kids are losing balls. I am frustrated and struggle to accept it. I want this problem to be solved. If I accept, problem won’t solve. So the cost of acceptance is suffering. Everything has a cost.
Hilda D'souza says
Lovely article. To sum it all up.
1. Gratitude does wonders even amidst worst days.
2. You can only decide how to respond to a situation or person when you have no control over what’s happening around you. So respond in a manner that will safeguard your inner peace.
3. Do not have too much expectation from any person or situation and do not be outcome driven, just enjoy the process. Take each day as it comes, be conscious of the stress that builds up in your body and practice mindfulness.
deep says
thank you for this essay……i have been struggling for social anxiety for almost 2 and half years…and panic attacks …..can you please write some essays on this it would be great help……thank you ..
Farhan says
Excellent!
Mnisi Rebecca says
Hi Marc and Angel
Thank you very much for this post. I have struggled with anxiety and rejection. This essay has helped me to realize that nobody will change until I stop naming things as good or bad and just enjoy life as it comes. Especially when you said some of the things we anticipate and fear never happen.
I like the way you put it that our response is more powerful than the circumstances we face. Thank you.
Jody Montemayor says
I thought the essay was super informative. I’m not a reader but it kept my interest throughout the whole article. Thanks for the tips.
Amit says
All of it was intellectually meaningful, emotionally well-thought and dealing with practical life for me personally.
Mona says
I really appreciate and enjoyed this good read, it’s very helpful if a person is wanting to improve their personal growth journey. I will be keeping it to come back whenever I need to remind myself.