When I was a high school freshman, a 260-pound freshman girl showed up for track and field tryouts right alongside me. Her name was Sara, and she was only there because her doctor said her health depended on it. But once she scanned the crowd of students who were on the field, she turned around and began walking away. Coach O’Leary saw her, jogged over, and turned her back around.
“I’m not thin enough for this sport!” Sara declared. “And I’ll never be! It’s impossible for me to lose enough weight. I’ve tried.”
Coach O’Leary nodded and promised Sara that her body type wasn’t suited for her current weight. “It’s suited for 220 pounds,” he said.
Sara looked confused. “Most people tell me I need to lose 130 pounds,” she replied. “But you think I only need to lose 40?”
Coach O’Leary nodded again.
Sara started off as a shot put competitor, but spent every single afternoon running and training with the rest of the track team. She was very competitive, and by the end of our freshman year she was down to 219 pounds. She also won 2nd place in the countywide shot put tournament that year. Three years later, during our senior year, she won 3rd place in the 10K county run. Her competitive weight at the time was 132 pounds.
There was a time when Sara was convinced that it was impossible to lose weight because, in her past experience, it had never worked out the way she had hoped. She had failed a few times and eventually lost confidence in herself. But with consistency — with the right daily habits and a willingness to try again — she rebuilt her self-confidence and ultimately achieved the “impossible.” And when Sara showed up to my poolside birthday party in Miami recently, I smiled when I overheard another guest compliment her on her physique.
Of course, Sara still works really hard — she chooses wisely — every single day to maintain what she has achieved.
And so do I…
I fail and lose my self-confidence sometimes too.
Some people get this idea about me, because I’m a New York Times bestselling author and coach who has spent the past 15+ years writing and teaching people how to create more success and happiness in their lives, that I don’t ever fall short and fail miserably in these areas. But of course I do — I’m human. I fall short and fail at things far more than anyone could imagine, and certainly far more than I’d often like to admit. And it feels just as horrible for me as it does for you or anyone else — I absolutely lose confidence in myself sometimes.
Deep down of course, I know these negative reactions aren’t helpful. So I own up to what happened, learn a lesson or two, and then I get back up to try again. And the final part is the most important part — the trying again…
- I fail at eating healthy and exercising sometimes, but I try again.
- I fail at loving myself sometimes, but I don’t give up on myself either, and so I try again.
- I fail at being a great mom and wife sometimes, especially when I get distracted with stressful business endeavors, but I keep trying, and oftentimes I invoke a fresh smile on my son’s or husband’s face.
- I even failed at writing the article you’re reading now. I made an initial attempt yesterday and scrapped it because it didn’t feel right. But I started again, and now I’m done.
Bottom line: When we try again and again, we often succeed and feel much better about ourselves in the long run.
So if there’s only one thing you take away from this essay, let it be that trying again — choosing to give yourself another chance every day — is always worth it. Because that’s honestly the foundation of the following three points, which Marc and I directly attribute to our own success and personal growth (and the success of the 700+ incredible coaching clients we’ve worked with over the past 15+ years)…
1. Evaluate your daily habits and the results you’re getting.
Regardless of your unique talents, knowledge, life circumstances, or how you personally define success, you don’t suddenly become successful. You become successful over time based on your willingness to try again and again — to create daily habits and routines that amass gradual progress, through thick and thin.
So what do your daily habits and routines look like?
You really have to sort this out and get consistent with what’s right for you on a daily basis. Because failure in life occurs in the same way — it’s gradual. All your little daily failures (those that you don’t learn and grow from) come together and cause you to fail big. Think in terms of running a business:
- You keep failing to check the books.
- You keep failing to make the calls.
- You keep failing to listen to your customers.
- You keep failing to innovate.
- You keep failing to do the little things that need to be done.
Then one day you wake up and your whole business has failed. It was all the little things you did or didn’t do on a daily basis — your habits — not just one inexplicable, catastrophic event.
The key thing to realize is that your life is your “business!”
Too often people overestimate the significance of one big defining moment and underestimate the value of making good choices and small steps of progress on a daily basis. Don’t be one of them!
Keep reminding yourself that almost all of the results in your life — positive and negative alike — are the product of many small decisions made over time. The little things you do every day, truly matter!
2. Stop thinking about your goals so often, and start focusing on the daily habits that support them.
The concept of taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, might seem ridiculously obvious, but at some point we all get caught up in the moment and find ourselves yearning for instant gratification. We want what we want, and we want it now! And this yearning often tricks us into taking on too much too soon. Marc and I have seen this transpire hundreds of times over the years: a coaching client or course student wants to achieve a big goal (or three) all at once, and can’t choose just one or two daily habits to focus on, so nothing worthwhile ever gets done, and gradually they lose more and more confidence in themselves. Let this common mistake — this quick-fix mentality — be your wake-up call today.
You really can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Small, repeated, incremental efforts will get you there. It doesn’t happen in an instant, but it does happen a lot faster than not getting there at all.
Do your best to consciously shift your daily focus away from the big goals you want to achieve in your life, and redirect your focus toward the little daily habits that actually support those goals. Consider the following:
- If you’re a competitive athlete, your goal is to win sports competitions. Your habit is the time you dedicate each day to training your body (and mind).
- If you’re a university student, your goal is to learn and earn a degree. Your habit is your daily study routine.
- If you’re a parent or guardian, your goal is to be a great role model. Your habit is the time and energy you commit to setting a good example each day.
- If you’re a human being, your goal is to live a meaningful life. Your habits are the small, positive steps forward you take every day.
Now consider what would happen if you stopped focusing on one of your big goals for a while and instead focused exclusively on your corresponding daily habit. Would you still make progress? For example, if you were trying to lose weight and you stopped thinking about your goal to lose twenty pounds, and instead placed all of your focus on eating healthy and exercising every day, would you still lose weight? Yes! Gradually you would get closer to your goal — your target weight — without even thinking about it again.
And if you mess up occasionally?
You own up to it, you forgive yourself, and you try again.
One day at a time, one step at a time.
3. Leverage small victories to build your self-confidence.
Building and maintaining your self-confidence is arguably the most significant hidden benefit of consistently practicing a daily habit — of trying again and again to make progress. In fact, what I lacked before I learned to implement these kinds of daily habits was the confidence that I was actually capable of achieving the positive results I desired in my life. I had tried so many quick fixes in the past that ended in failure, and had grown so discouraged in myself that I began subconsciously choosing procrastination over actual attempts to fulfill the little promises I made to myself. In essence, I lost confidence in both my abilities and myself. It’s kind of like another person constantly lying to you — eventually you stop trusting them. The same holds true with the little promises you make to yourself that always end in disappointment. Eventually, you stop trusting yourself.
And the solution in most cases is the same too: you have to rebuild your self-confidence and trust gradually, with small promises, small steps (your daily habits), and small victories. Again, this process takes time, but it happens if you stick to it. And it’s undoubtedly one of the most life-changing things you can do for yourself this year.
(Note: Marc and I build a foundational habit of positive self-reflection with our readers through daily journaling in “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to renew your self-confidence… by trying again with the right daily habits.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Odo says
Thanks Marc & Angel… For the past 7 days or so I’ve been coming across many articles and videos on “the compounding effect.” Then again today I open your mail and again its about the compounding effect in a way.
I had dropped off a bit in my daily routines due to travels and job interviews but once again I’m now settled and roaring to go.
Thank you for laying emphasis on the importance of habits. I’m a big fan and honestly, your articles are a blessing to my life.
Ashli Pearce says
BRAVO! Every failure is a teachable moment! The Journey is more important to me than the successful outcome because I am embracing NEW & I have NO CEILING in my learning!
Thank You!
EVANS says
Awesome achievable advice. I have tried this approach but my daily responsibilities often times causes me to panic and abandon my growth strategy and I lose focus and resort to an unfocused, halter skelter approach to problem solving that gets no nowhere.
Thanks for sharing your approach! Self-forgiveness is not one of my strong suits. I will try it yours!
A. Evans
Nancy says
At 76 years old I’m able to look back and see that the little habits and rituals that I’ve practiced (not always religiously!) for the past several decades have indeed contributed to my current happiness and health. And there are a couple other habits that I stopped that were having the opposite affect. Anyway, great read here near the start of this year.
Sonny says
I’ve been a grateful follower and disseminator of your messages for quite some time but have never posted. I figured it was time I say THANKS for your willingness to continually and generously share the raw truth of the stutter steps of progress. I have been stuck in a rut for some time due to career transition, major relationship breakup and an injury from a totaled car accident. I got so used to laying in bed and watching Netflix etc. that it became a pattern that became comforting.
When I was younger I had no fear and believed if I worked hard with my many God-given talents and did the right thing, I would be successful. Unfortunately, for me life wasn’t like how it was in school (e.g. if you ace the test you get an A). In real life – due to the unfairness, betrayal, jealousy, corrupt work people and places, I’ve become pretty demoralized realizing that unlike my complete success in school for working hard and earning the resulting rewards, in the real work world, I can do everything right, work hard and produce great results but that doesn’t mean I’ll get the “A” in rewards. I don’t want to get into the negative because that won’t help, I know that all I can do is to choose to “try again and again” and control what I can control – my own faith, effort, and choice to self-love and attitude.
After your similar “try again” essay went out via email a few months ago and being asked the question, “even though you have lost faith, in what way will you try again?” – I struggled but finally focused on one small positive thing I could do, and it resulted in a prospective job interview, and opportunities for new relationships/group involvement. For how globally defeated I felt (and falsely believed was true), it’s amazing how just focusing on one tiny thing and taking one small action can quickly become so much more. Thank you, again.
Barbara says
I can relate to so much of what you shared. Please share one more bit of information…what was the one small positive thing that you could do that started you on the better path for your “today?” Right now I’m overwhelmed with things that I could-should-would do if I could decide on just one thing. Decisions are beyond my abilities to function even moderately well…think years of bonsai pruning.
Thank you.
Luwemba Emma says
This reminds me of my essence, I always focus on my environments effect on me forgetting how I determine who I’m and my surrounding. Thanks
Estie Kretschmer says
Thanks so much for all your blogs.
Today’s was very apt – I’m 56 and have returned to playing piano after a hiatus of 15 years. Though I was not bad, I was not great either, and I’ve started a reset of my technique with a brilliant tutor – a long, long journey. However, due to all the failures (perceived and real) in the past, I’ve really lost faith in myself and my potential. I’m very musical and love music, but that little voice that says ‘perhaps I’m just doomed to be ordinary’ is lurking every day. Perhaps my practice routines are not working – they failed before, right? Even though I’ve changed them up and amended and fine-tuned them with so much new knowledge. I still doubt!! Perhaps I’m running out of time, being 56 and all. Looking at other accomplished pianists, comparing my daily struggles to their highlights-reels. So much knowledge in my head, and logic, but this little ‘me-judge’ always chimes up…
Small, daily steps, small victories, focus on my own journey… getting my inner critic to support instead of judge is probably my greatest challenge in all of this.
So, thank you for this blog – it validates everything. Even if only for the moment. Perhaps those moments will be more and more frequent.
Cara says
I was nearly 50 when I finally understood the compounding power of daily effort. Now I’m trying to help my 23-year-old figure it out, but it’s been a tough process. She always quits if she doesn’t get the results she wants quick enough, or if the going gets too tough along the way. I’ve been leveraging your books, essays and emails to assist her. And she’s learning gradually, but we still have a long way to go.
So thank you both again for being a source of light for me and my daughter. Looking forward to more.
Judith Connelly says
I really identify with the part about “it’s like when someone keeps lying to you, you don’t trust them any longer”
I have been so disappointed because I feel like I’m lying to myself (well, I am). That’s why it is so rewarding when I actually keep the promise to myself, I’m restoring faith in my judgment. It really is about the small, daily habits. I’m willing to try again starting now – thanks Angel.
Josephine says
I cannot tell you how meaningful and uplifting this article was. I struggle with believing in myself; I always have. In spite of that, I know I’m successful, I know I’m a good person, I know that after 21 years I’ve kept off 185 lbs. BUT naturally believing in me has always been hard. I loved this article and I will never, ever give up.
Julia Hamilton says
Thanks for a new spin on the old adage of try try and try again! It’s encouraging to see and hear real world examples of how gradually, overtime with sustained effort, little changes do add up to big ones. I’m a recent subscriber to your newsletter and I’m grateful to have you in my inbox a couple times a week.
Di says
Thank you. I am so impressed with your open-minded and soul-searching essays and newsletters, Angel and Marc. These have resonated so strongly over the past few years when circumstances have been particularly challenging for me, yet have still, along with my own practices and rituals, found yours a strongly authentic and inspiring voice.
Danny says
I really enjoyed reading this article today. At 71, it honestly reminded me of how far I’ve come and of how much I’ve achieved, in small steps.
JAMES MORIASI says
Daily habits evaluation, one day one step at a time, without focussing on the big goal, and celebrate my small victories! What a gem of an essay! I really desire to implement this routine in my goals this year. Thank you.
Susan says
What a timely article , I can’t believe it! This is exactly what I am living right now: in a new beginning, new job, new people, I am taking training one little task at a time, instead of worrying where I will be in 6 weeks, or end of training. Whichever comes first. Just focusing on carefully doing each step, taking notes. That is how I am trying to restore faith in myself, in a new team… Doing my best, each task, letting go, and I will get there. Thanks for the reinforcement!
vincent says
Yes … thank you for another beautiful uplifting article.
As Confucius famously said : “A thousand steps starts with the first one.”
Geraldine Tucker says
Thank you for your articles. They always provide a new prospective. I’ve applied the compounding effect in the past and I’m trying to do so in retirement.
Ann says
It was good to read that writers like yourself have failed at attempts for a better and healthier life. And picking yourself up was great. So many times I read about coaches, and trainer that never admit their personal down falls, everthing is sunshine.
Thanks for the story.
Laura Lowery says
I love your writing and I agree. My first step will be to Try Daily
Dailey McPeak says
Very true and very well presented!!
Amaresh Gupta says
As always a good article,
What about if you are a private tutor……….
Richard Kina says
You & Marc have become that story, Bible verse that catchy phrase you hear through out your life. Some days you say “ahhhh” and on other days you say “ya that’s right” and it hits home. You are like my parents, you know how they will respond but the reality is that they are right.
Don’t give up and don’t beat yourself up over it. Keep going.
David says
There’s always room for improvement, lessons to learn along the way. Sometimes it’s a bit like the story of the fouth wise man. We do our best… mostly… and try to be faithful with what is presented on our way.
Thank you… hugs.
Margaret Gannon says
Thank you for all your emails. Very much appreciated.
Take a lot off inspiration from them .