“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
— Bruce Lee
The biggest and most draining disappointments in our daily lives are often the result of misplaced expectations. This is especially true when it comes to our relationships and interactions with others. So don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being utterly disappointed and drained by them.
Which means it’s time to…
1. Stop expecting everyone to agree with you.
You deserve to find joy and inner peace in your own way. You deserve to live a life you are in flow with. Don’t let the opinions of others make you forget that. You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours. In fact, the more you approve of your own decisions in life, the less constant approval you need from everyone else.
You have to dare to be yourself and follow your own intuition, however frightening or strange that may feel or prove to be. And don’t compare yourself to others — don’t get discouraged by their progress or success. Follow your own path and stay true to your own purpose. Success is ultimately about spending your life in your own way.
2. Stop expecting people to show you more respect than the amount of respect you show to yourself.
True strength is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles. It’s about having faith and trust in who you are, and a willingness to act upon it consistently. Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself on a daily basis.
Look at yourself in the mirror today and say, “I respect you, and from now on I’m going to act like it.” Yes, it’s important to be nice to others, but it’s even more important to be nice to yourself. When you practice self-respect you give yourself the opportunity to grow. And when you are growing, you become a better friend, a better family member, and a better YOU. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
3. Stop expecting everyone to like you.
You might feel unwanted and unworthy to one person, but you are priceless to another. So never forget your worth! No matter how good you are to people, there will always be one negative person who criticizes you. Smile, ignore their rudeness, and carry on. Spend time with those who value you instead.
Truth be told, in this over-connected world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, the toughest battle you’ll have to fight on the average day is the battle to be yourself. And as you’re fighting back not everyone will like you. Sometimes people will call you names because you’re “different,” but that’s OK. The things that make you different are the things that make YOU, and the right people will love you for it in the long run.
4. Stop expecting people to perfectly align with your idea of who they are.
Loving and respecting others means allowing them to be themselves. When you stop expecting people to be a certain way, you can begin to appreciate them for who they truly are. So pay close attention, and respect people for their uniqueness and not for who you want them to be.
We simply don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do, and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them wonderful. Every human being is remarkable and beautiful in some way; it just takes a patient set of eyes to see it. The more you get to know someone, the more you will be able to look beyond their appearance and see the beauty of who they truly are. (Read “The Mastery of Love”.)
5. Stop expecting everyone to know what you’re thinking.
People can’t read minds. They will never know how you feel unless you tell them. Your boss? Yeah, she doesn’t know you’re hoping for a promotion because you haven’t told her yet. That cute guy you haven’t talked to because you’re shy? Yeah, you guessed it, he hasn’t given you the time of day simply because you haven’t given him the time of day either.
In life, you have to communicate with others regularly and effectively. And oftentimes you have to open your vocal cords and speak the first words. You have to tell people what you’re thinking if you want a meaningful engagement.
6. Stop expecting the seemingly strong people you know to be perfectly “OK.”
Everyone you know is fighting some kind of battle, just like you. Every smile you see or sign of strength around you hides an inner struggle every bit as complex and extraordinary as your own. So be a part of someone’s growth without having that “I’m in a hurry” attitude. What goes around comes around. You can always be kinder than necessary.
Also remember that embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark. We are often measured by our ability to overcome adversities and insecurities, not avoid them. Thus, leveraging honesty and transparency as it relates to your struggles, to support, share, and make contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards. This happens naturally if we allow it, because we all share very similar doubts, needs, and struggles. And once we accept this, the world then becomes a place where we can look someone else in the eyes and say, “I’m lost and struggling at the moment,” and they can nod back and say, “I know exactly what you mean. You aren’t alone.”
7. Stop expecting the people you care about to suddenly change.
If there’s a specific behavior someone you care about has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t. If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table (gracefully) so this person knows how you feel and what you need them to do.
For the most part though, you can’t change people and you shouldn’t try. Either you accept who they are or you choose to give yourself more time away from them. It might sound harsh, but it’s not. When you try to change people, they often remain the same, but when you don’t try to change them — when you support them and allow them the freedom to be as they are — they gradually change in the most beautiful way. Because what really changes is the way you see them.
Honor your boundaries as you ease your expectations.
As you’re diligently working on keeping your expectations in check, it’s also important to maintain healthy and reasonable boundaries. Because inevitably you’re going to run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all. The key is to not consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval (no expectations), and to not leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply give yourself some healthy space…
Remember that distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your boundaries, respectfully.
Also, practice becoming more aware of your needs, especially as it relates to your expectations. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build healthy boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this may be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t help others if you’re incapacitated.
In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you — the most grounded and capable version of you — so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most to you.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to hope for the best, but expect less. You will certainly bring more joy and inner peace into your life by doing so. Before you go though, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
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Nazeda says
Wow! Thank you. I see myself doing some of these things in my relationship with my husband and children, even when I don’t mean to. It’s like I am on autopilot… Thank you for giving me something positive to work on.
Malathy says
Wonderful.
It’s true that we can’t expect others to change immediately and have to wait for some time.
Renee says
You have to put your own mask on 1st. Before you can help anyone else.
After years of taking care of other people, ignoring my own needs, My mother left when I was a baby,, my dad raised me and never dated, fell into neglecting everything, including himself after his mother dies, I was 14, he damaged every part of himself, I ened up pregnant at 15, talking care of him, and the baby, I never had th4 chance to find out who I was or what I wanted, which only ended up in substance abuse, when my kids, started to pull away to find themselves, I think that’s what I was doing, I just didn’t realize that and surely, ended up making some really bad choices for about 10 years, I have been clean and sober for the last 11 years but it took alot of loses to end up learning this concept, I keep telling my daughter this she is 19. She will give people more than I ever did. And giving is good, but not at the expense of your own needs, wants or desires. Truth is I’m just about 52 and still struggle with this. Just don’t seem like enough hours in the day for me to do the things I want and desperately need.
Debra says
The one that says “Stop expecting people to suddenly change” was a great reminder for me, because too often I feel like I can help someone only to be reminded that this isn’t what they want or need, and they aren’t going to change. Setting healthy boundaries has been the biggest help for me emotionally and mentally, but it isn’t always easy to do. Your essays always give me something to think about it, and I feel supported by your wise words today. Thank you!
Dwayne says
Really hit home with how I am feeling today about what I expect or expected from some friends and family around me recently. And I need to practice up on letting some of that go. It badly held me back a lot recently, and I feel it still lingering. So time for some shifts.
Dev says
So true. We’re not here to live up to each other’s expectations, we’re here to live up to our own most of the time.
I too struggle with this. I often find myself expecting my loved ones to do what I would do, or react the way I would react, in certain situations… and when they don’t I get frustrated.
Thank you for the reminders. You’re keeping me in check too with your weekly emails and essays.
Phyllis says
Honoring my boundaries is self care. I’ve had to keep a little bit more distance from my sister because her resentments and anger affect my serenity. I no longer am willing to listen to her constant, repetitive chatter. The extra space helps, and actually makes both our lives better. It’s been a gradual process though, of figuring out what works.
Pamela says
All great points for positive growth. #2 hit home for me just now. I must respect myself! Stop waiting for others to love & respect me. I have distanced myself from family & find the only one missing the part time relationship is me. The light came on. One sided love of children & grand children. . Mine for them! Sad, but their loss too. I’m special & have a lot to offer – now, to ones who respect me, invite me into their lives & check on me. I didn’t realize what I’ve been missing! While I wasted time waiting on “family” to want to be with me- others wanted to spend time with me! I see “family” isn’t always who you expect! A precious Blessing! Thank you Marc & Angel! Keep writing!
Davi says
These are wonderful reminders. Truly! And I would also add that these can be applied in reverse also…
Stop expecting to agree with everyone else
Stop expecting to respect yourself more than you do others
Stop expecting to like everyone (and everything you have to do)
Stop expecting more from yourself just because someone else does
Stop trying to be a mind reader
Stop expecting to be “OK” all the time.
Stop expecting to suddenly change yourself…
Jane says
Thank you For this wonderful reminders!
The timing is perfect, I’ve been doing this in a past few years until now but when I read this the realization hit me.
Kole says
I’ve recently stumbled onto your writings. Your messages hit home and at a most opportune time in my life, I just turned 76 and have spent the last 4 years trying to reach out to “family”. “My Story” and “letters” I have sent have gone unanswered. This and many of the other articles I have read appear to be “the needle in the haystack” I have been seeking for the past 35 years when I became “the messenger” in the family!
Dj says
Number 4; Stop expecting people to perfectly align with your idea of who they are.
Expecting others to be who I expect ‘them’ to be has always been frustrating and a challenge. I want to let that go so I can find more happiness and have less disappointment. Your breakdown helps me immensely!
And Honoring ‘my’ boundaries… love your final thoughts!
Thank you!!
Heather Fancher says
I couldn’t agree more! Statement #4 has always been difficult for me, as well. I am an eternal optimist and see the highest potential in those close to me. Often, I expect them to behave in that light even though I know that’s not where they are today. I will push them to become that person I see they could be, yet more often than not, I end up pushing them away because they are not ready.
The most mind bending thing though is knowing all of this and yet I continue to do it and end up disappointed.
Your essay does not describe, though, how to break these habitual perspectives of self and others. I would love a follow up!
Thank you.
Renee says
It believe , it’s instinctual and it becomes a habit, to push people to do their best, I started with mindfulness, I to stop our thoughts, by training myself in my own mind to. Stop and listen to the person, I have to clear my mind before, I get to a meeting or a visit with someone, just stop close my eyes, and I think back of when I was a kid when I never use to judge people and my thoughts were not judgemental, I had to let go of all my beliefs, and especially my own trauma and other people’s including my own experiences, and just be there and listen. Then after a few years, I can do it without closing my eyes, and relaxing, it’s bot easy, and I still do it when my anxiety is bad or I’m being judged by people who don’t really know me, I still get defensive in my low times, when I’m tired or had a long day, but I realize with every conversation, there is something I’ve learned from it. This isn’t a a fix but over time I have become stronger. And more understanding. I get why they don’t get it. Why they are not able to at that time, want to do better or be a better person and understanding is what people really need, they don’t need us to fix them or tell them what to do. Hope this helps
Stephanie says
Numbers 4 and 7 hit me hard because that is what pushed me to end my last relationship. He was relentless on those two points and no matter what changes I made it was never right or enough to please him. Thank you so much for your essays. They have helped on several occasions. Keep them coming you are doing amazing job sharing these thoughts.
Julius Bala says
The point on lowering our expectations of others, especially of not expecting others be what you want them to be, is most critical for success in life with other people, specifically those people you must live with on a daily basis, as a marital partner or one’s children. Most conflicts and crisis in close adult relationships are the result of efforts to make people around you become just what you want them to be. I have had much peace in myself and my relationships with others when l arrived at the position that l must ‘live and let live’ in my relationships with people l must interact with, especially my family members. Thank you for reinforcing that point so abundantly.
Ca says
So true. Need to learn that. Just getting it now at 85.
C says
Loving this one because I seem to be implementing most of this stuff naturally in my day to day life and this is a good reminder that it’s beneficial (to myself AND to my friends and family) to continue living my life this way. Expectations are good for self-improvement only, maybe… But expectations on anyone outside of self can only lead to unnecessary drama b/c instead of focusing on what’s in front of you and dealing with it from there, mentally, you’re creating a story about this other person and the truth is we all don’t know what anybody is dealing with or thinking about until we ask them!!
Thanks for these reminders! They help soo much.
Jamillah says
Always comforting to know I’m not alone in these things. I mean, we know that.. but reading others experiences is super helpful, too. Numbers 7 and 8 resonate most! Stop expecting others to change, and honoring my own boundaries – yes! The guilt of letting go is real!! But it also feels amazing. I still argue with the person in imaginary conversations lol which is also draining.. but I stick with my choices and I have peace about it. The Serenity Prayer helps.. Nice post; thank you..
Amy C Talmadge says
I was explaining my life philosophy to someone a month ago and it fits with much of this very nicely. I never expect anything from anyone, even loved ones, or from life in general. But because I surround myself with good people, they tend to treat me well and often do things for me that I don’t ask for. And every time they’re there for me in any number of little or large ways, it feels like a wonderful gift. It keeps me happy.
Deborah L. says
I thought this was a GREAT article! Very informative and right on target too when it comes to our expectations of others and how it definitely affects our relationships. Thank you for writing and sharing it.
David says
“The things that make you different are the things that make YOU, and the right people will love you for it in the long run.” “When you stop expecting people to be a certain way, you can begin to appreciate them for who they truly are. So pay close attention, and respect people for their uniqueness and not for who you want them to be.” “be a part of someone’s growth without having that “I’m in a hurry” attitude. What goes around comes around. You can always be kinder than necessary.”
Your essays bring so many interesting factors to my attention. Some emphasizing practical lessons that I’m experiencing. Always a pleasure to read and reminders to put into practice. Thank you. Hugs.