If somebody is working on themselves and changing for the better, it’s unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow. You know that’s true. But have you given yourself a fair chance to change and grow, too?
Have you loosened your grip on what’s behind you, so you can step forward?
If you’re shaking your head, you aren’t alone. At times we all fall victim to our attachments. We simply don’t realize how often we block our own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.
Thus, it’s time for a quick true story about life and letting go…
When Our Old Stories Hold Us Back
She rarely makes eye contact. Instead, she looks down at the ground. Because the ground is safer. Because unlike people, it expects nothing in return. She doesn’t have to feel ashamed about her past. The ground just accepts her for who she is right now.
As she sits at the bar next to me, she stares down at her vodka tonic, and then the ground, and then her vodka tonic. “Most people don’t get me,” she says. “They ask me questions like, ‘What’s your problem?’ or ‘Were you beaten as a child?’ But I never respond. Because I don’t feel like explaining myself. And I don’t think they really care anyway.”
Just then, a young man sits down at the bar on the opposite side of her. He’s a little drunk and says, “You’re pretty. May I buy you a drink?” She stays silent and looks back down at the ground. After an awkward moment, he accepts the rejection, gets up, and walks away.
“Would you prefer that I leave too?” I ask. “No,” she says without glancing upward. “But I could use some fresh air. You don’t have to come, but you can if you want to.” I follow her outside and we sit on a street curb in front of the bar.
“Brrr… it’s a really chilly night!”
“Tell me about it,” she says while maintaining her usual downward gaze. The warm vapor from her breath cuts through the cold air and bounces off of the ground in front of her. “So why are you out here with me? I mean, wouldn’t you rather be inside in the warmth, talking to normal people about normal things?”
“I’m out here because I want to be. Because I’m not normal. And look, I can see my breath, and we’re in San Diego. That’s not normal either. Oh, and you’re wearing old Airwalk sneakers, and so am I — which may have been normal in 1994, but not anymore.”
She glances up at me and smirks, this time exhaling her breath upward into the moonlight. “I see you’re wearing a ring. You’re married, right?”
“Yeah,” I reply. “My wife, Angel, is just getting off work now and heading here to meet me for dinner.”
She nods her head and then looks back at the ground. “Well, you’re off the market… and safe, I guess. So can I tell you a story?”
“I’m listening.”
As she speaks, her emotional gaze shifts from the ground, to my eyes, to the moonlit sky, to the ground, and back to my eyes again. This rotation continues in a loop for the duration of her story. And every time her eyes meet mine she holds them there for a few seconds longer than she did on the previous rotation.
I don’t interject once. I listen to every word. And I assimilate the raw emotion present in the tone of her voice and in the depth of her eyes.
When she finishes, she says, “Well, now you know my story. You think I’m a freak, don’t you?”
“Place your right hand on your chest,” I tell her. She does. “Do you feel something?” I ask.
“Yeah, I feel my heartbeat.”
“Now close your eyes, place both your hands on your face, and move them around slowly.” She does. “What do you feel now?” I ask.
“Well, I feel my eyes, my nose, my mouth… I feel my face.”
“That’s right,” I reply. “But unlike you, stories don’t have heartbeats, and they don’t have faces. Because stories are not alive — they’re not people. They’re just stories.”
She stares into my eyes for a prolonged moment, smiles sincerely and says, “Just stories we live through.”
“Yeah… And stories we learn from.”
Hard Lessons We Slowly Learn by Letting Go
The woman from the story above became one of our very first students when Angel and I opened the doors to the original version of the Getting Back to Happy course a decade ago, and she’s now a friend of ours too. She has learned and applied many remarkable lessons over the years that ultimately allowed her to let go of her difficult past — her story — and move forward with her life. And last night I sat down with her over a cup of tea and had an in-depth, soul-centered conversation about what she has learned over the years. I’m sharing her story and lessons with you today, with permission, because I know we all struggle in similar ways…
Here are four hard, actionable life lessons we discussed:
1. You can have a heartbreaking story from the past without letting it dominate your present life.
In the present moment we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc.
Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely, and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. But the pain is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident.
Note that “story” does not mean “fake story.” It also does not mean “true story.” The word “story” in the context of your self-evaluation doesn’t have to imply true or false, positive or negative, or any other kind of forceful judgment call. It’s simply a process that’s happening inside your head:
- You are remembering something that happened.
- You subconsciously perceive yourself as a victim of this incident.
- Your memory of what happened causes a strong emotion in you.
So just notice what story you have, without judging it, and without judging yourself. It’s natural to have a story; we all have stories. See yours for what it is. And see that it’s causing you pain. Then take a deep breath, and another…
Inner peace begins the moment you take these deep breaths and choose not to allow the past to dominate your present thoughts and emotions. (Note: Angel and I discuss this process in more detail in the “Happiness” chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently” and throughout the guided journal, “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)
2. A big part of letting go is simply realizing there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.
All of the things from our past that we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined storylines in our minds.
Life gets a lot easier to deal with the moment we understand this.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.
Today I challenge you to ask yourself:
- What’s something from the past that you are still desperately trying to hold on to?
- How is it affecting you in the present?
Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist. Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.
How might that change your life from this moment forward?
3. The subtle pain you continue to feel can be healed through compassion for those suffering alongside you.
When we’re still working through a painful experience from the past, it’s easy to feel like we’re going through it alone — like no one else could possibly understand how we feel. In a way, we subconsciously place ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything that happened exclusively from the viewpoint of how it affects us personally, without regard for anyone else. But as we grow through our pain and gradually broaden our horizons, we begin to see that our self-centered thinking is only fueling our misery. And we realize that shifting our focus onto others for a while can help.
It’s one of life’s great paradoxes: when we serve others, we end up benefiting as much if not more than those we serve. So whenever you feel pain from the past trying to suck you back in, shift your focus from your circumstances to the circumstances of those near and far.
The simplest way of doing this at any given moment?
Practice letting your breath be an anchor for global healing. Breathe in whatever painful feeling you’re feeling, and breathe out relief from that pain for everyone in the world who is suffering alongside you. For example:
- If you’re feeling grief, breathe in all the grief of the world… then breathe out peace.
- If you’re feeling anger, breathe in all the anger of the world… then breathe out forgiveness.
- If you’re feeling regretful, breathe in all the regret of the world… then breathe out gratitude for the good times.
Do this for a minute or two as often as you need to, imagining all the pain of those near and far coming in with each breath, and then a feeling of compassion and reconciliation radiating out to all of those who are in pain as you breathe out. Instead of running from your past and the pain it caused you, you’re embracing it… you’re letting yourself absorb it. And you’re thinking of others as well, which gets you out of that miserable, self-centered mindset trap.
4. There is always, always, always something to be grateful for.
Even when your past — your story — tries to pull you back in, you can consciously do your best to focus on your present blessings. What do you see in your life right now? Be thankful for the good parts. For your health, your family, your friends, or your home. Many people don’t have these things.
Remind yourself that the richest human is rarely the one who has the most, but the one who needs less. Wealth is a daily mindset. Want less and appreciate more today. Easier said than done of course, but with practice gratitude does get easier. And as you practice, you transform your past struggles into present moments of freedom.
Ultimately, on the average day, happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. So at the end of this day, before you close your eyes, be at peace with where you’ve been and grateful for what you have right now. Life has goodness.
Now it’s your turn…
Again, the lessons above take practice to fully grasp in real time. So just do your best to bring awareness to this gradually — to practice — so you can let go one day at a time. Keep reminding yourself…
- You are not your bad days
- You are not your mistakes
- You are not your scars
- You are not your past
Be here now and breathe.
And before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Arcano says
I never and mean NEVER reply to these things. But this article floored me, and I feel it needs to be read by everyone. If every single human being read this and practiced it, can you imagine how much more peaceful this world could be? Thank you, this really hit home as I think of what needs to be left behind in the days and weeks ahead.
Charity says
I, also never reply lol! – but wanted agree with you M. Well said!
Vivian says
Absolutely. I agree with you too.
Cate says
Same. This is going to REALLY help me and so many that struggle with the past.
mariana says
I completely agree. We need an infusion of these fragments every day. The exercise for me is to follow them. How stuck we are in our thoughts, forgetting precious moments or taking them for granted as we keep remembering what hurt us. Thanks and I am grateful to be able to read this web.
Penny says
I agree, well said Mariana.
Leesa Pflughoft says
I 100 percent agree with your comment!
All I can say is, “Ditto!” Arcano, I hope you don’t mind my desire to echo your statement.
Thank you very much, for your kindness,
Marc and Angel. Thank you for giving these incredible gifts to us, daily.
Bless you.
Kelly J Helton says
I agree with everyone. This is really profound stuff. I learned a lot from this. Thank you.
Jen says
After reading this today I sat at my desk and took three big breaths. I breathed in all of the pain, anger and regret and breathed out all of the peace, forgiveness and gratitude. Thank you for this article. Thank you for sharing this woman’s story. And thank you for continuing to share such beautiful advice. This year hasn’t been easy so far, but I’ve been inspired by your writing today.
LR says
I am grieving a different kind of grief. We sold our house three years ago and and with it left our memories in it, our old neighbors, our old community and our nearby amenities. I don’t like where we live now and it’s been a struggle not forgiving myself for selling our old place. I still think about our old house and all the nice views it had and how sunny it always was… that, we now lack. I think about the nice people we met and had as neighbors and all the good times we had there. I find myself hating our new place and, to this day, I can’t bring myself to feeling at home. After reading this essay, I realized I’ve been holding on to resentment. I am punishing myself for a decision made years ago and it can’t be changed. I need to let go to be able to count my current blessings. I am a believer that everything happens for a reason and although I may not know what that reason is right now, I need to trust the process. Thank you for helping me see that letting go will allow me to grab onto my present and live it to the fullest by being there in the first place.
Ta says
I don’t know much and I’m not that deep, but I believe you’re exactly where youre suppose to be. in your home for an important reason, maybe someone nearby will surface and all will make sense.
mary kortisses says
I have just started following your writings after seeing that my Daughter followed your writings. She was an amazing writer too, which I never really knew while she was still with us… We lost her last year. I needed to read what you posted today and I feel like she sent me to you guys. As I was reading I could hear her saying those exact words to me. I never understood the power of grief, I need to keep it from hurting me for the rest of my life, my beautiful Ashley would not want that. Thank you again for your words.
Lisa says
This was just what I needed to hear. I have had trouble letting go of many things lately. Not feeling gratitude as we work through some trying times. A good friend recently got honest with me over coffee. She told me it seems I’m constantly living in the past. It took me by shock because I realized she was right! All my word, sharing of FB memories. All past no future. I still feel stuck. I’m trying to find my way out of the well and your essay was one more know to grab on to and help pull me a little further up.
Thank you! LB
Michelle says
Marc and Angel, I’m truly enjoying your teachings in your course and here on the blog. And this says a lot about your work, because I’ve honestly been a bit of a cynic when it comes to self-improvement for most of my adult life. But I’ve truly grown to appreciate your insights, which is why I’m a student in your course, and why I’m writing this now. Thank you.
As it relates to your questions above, I have lots to let go of.
As my 45th b-day approaches soon, I’m struggling with the family life I expected to have — the marriage I expected to have — vs. the way my life is today. The two are not close. It’s difficult to accept that past circumstances in my marriage have cut into my present confidence, but I’m starting to see now that I need to let go more than I have. I know I have more opportunities in front of me. My professional life has been a success, so now I need to focus on my personal side too. It was healing to read your thoughts on this. As I journal about them and ritualize them (part of a helpful strategy I picked up from your course) and try to apply them to my life circumstances, I know your words will gradually help me reframe what my life is, and design a wiser vision for my present and future.
Aruni De Silva says
Thank you for this gem of an article… More than anything for seeing that woman who talked with her eyes on the ground. Yes, I can relate… no one will read my eyes because I often look down. Your writing made me feel I’m not alone and I appreciate those who shared their ‘story’ in the comments as I can identify with some and know I feel the same.
Thank you for sharing your insights and help me understand that I need to go past and let go even its just two years back which is hardest of all. Thank you for encouraging and pushing me to see there’s hope and a way out.
Liina Paasuke says
I appreciate your article here. I am 77 and still trying to let go of events in my past. This helped a bit.
Melinda Oliva says
Well said.
Carol says
I still hold onto grief. I have realized that I am still, 2 years later, holding onto the memories of my husband in almost every waking moment, who was my high school sweetheart, and our 46 year marriage. I thought I had moved on well… I am dating and have sold my house and moved. The hard part is to know what to hold on to and what to let go of. In fairness to any future relationship, I need to make room for new memories and allow them to take forefront. But it is something I still struggle with. I am grateful for this website and have just bought your book that hopefully will help me in this difficult transition.
K.C. says
Thank you as always, M&A. I continue to love how your wisdom arrives in my email inbox when I need it.
These lessons on letting go of the past have been insightful to me today. I have recently come to know and accept that I’ve been holding on to a lot of past baggage, and letting go doesn’t come as naturally to me as I might expect. This is especially true in my failed marriage. While letting go for good makes sense, my emotional heart still desperately tries to hold on to the idea of my marriage and family life was supposed to be, and it is painful. But even just reading your words reminds me that others too are struggling in various similar ways, and that makes me feel a little less alone and gives me the strength to admit my flats and believe that I can adjust my mindset and make better sense of things going forward.
Gail Parker says
This article has really helped me look at things differently today. I went through a lot with my ex this past year or so and I have a lot of anger towards him. This has helped me. I will be doing more deep breathing and appreciating what I have now.
Fatimah says
I’m so glad that I actually strolled back to my feeds to read this article further. It’s exactly what I need at this moment. I’m so glad I crossed path with your article. Thanks so very much for giving this essay out to everyone to read, to heal, and to benefit from. It’s already making me feel better this morning than I’d been since the year began. Thanks a lot! And I surely will continue to practice those steps. Thank you!!!!!
JCC says
Truthful article, thank you. I ‘ve trained myself to LIVE in gratitude. Not once in awhile, or just once a day. I do a simple gratitude ritual before I get out of bed, many times during the day and before I close my eyes to sleep, This ritual keeps my vibration high and by LOA (Law of Attraction) what ever you’re focusing on, you will get more of, be grateful, get more to be grateful for. With all the challenges in this world there is so much to be grateful for. Grateful for your inspiration.
Peace, Health, Happiness & Harmony
Namaste
Vermalee says
Amazing article. Just what I needed to hear right now.
Thank you!
Sherise says
This article was so compelling I had to comment for the first time.
I am a survivor of a bipolar schizo effective diagnosis.
Little nuances and points of references help tremendously when you feel like a person who is misunderstood.
Thank you for your ministry and your awesome ability to tell relatable stories.
Bob Minor says
Makes sense to me.. Now to put that into practice. Thank you!
David Cleroux says
“Ultimately, on the average day, happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. So at the end of this day, before you close your eyes, be at peace with where you’ve been and grateful for what you have right now. Life has goodness.”
A very good motto to live by. Being grateful for “all things” is my positive step forward. Hugs.
Alexander says
This was perfect for me today. And how much was your course?
Judy Dorsey says
This article has open my mind to let go and forgive to a situation that has lingered on for awhile inside my head about my past and this article reminded me that it’s ok to forgive and move forward.
Kristina Ciminillo says
Thank you!
A lot of my grief, and anger gets riled up when I’m cold and tired. Being a night worker in winter is tough. The breathing techniques you suggested are presented in a new way that are so fulfilling and encompass a lot! Certainly helpful for people who often expect too much of themselves and therefore others. Facing your woes by breathing it in (and others’!) then choosing to let them go by changing the negativity into a positives is SO cathartic and practical on several levels. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Michael says
Thank you for this essay…I have been struggling through life with addiction and I am now sober 7 months and this essay is just confirmation that I’m am headed in the right direction…letting go of the past whether it be what happened to me or what I did to others is a hard thing to do but realizing the past is over is key to letting it go and moving forward…again Thank you for this…it came at a time when I really needed it
Samuel says
This was beautiful. Thanks for sharing.