We don’t realize how often we hold ourselves back by holding on to everything.
Letting go is not giving up. Letting go is surrendering any needless attachments to particular outcomes and situations. Surrender means showing up in your life with the intention to be your best, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to be ideal. Have goals, have dreams, take purposeful action, and build solid relationships, but detach from what life must look like every step of the way.
The energy of someone aspiring to create something wonderful today, teamed with a healthy balance of surrender, is far more effective than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate must-have mentality. Surrender brings inner calmness, awareness, and understanding. And lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being.
Thus, take a moment to remind yourself of some heavy things most of us attach to long after it’s time to let go, so you can loosen your grip on them as you move forward…
1. The expectation of how things “should” be.
Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you today. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
2. The way things once were.
You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.
Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.
4. The need to control everything.
Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
5. Fantasies of a perfect path, or time to begin.
Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.
6. The desire for quick and easy results.
Everything gets a bit hard and uncomfortable when it’s time to change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, one step at a time. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.
7. Self-doubt.
Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it in the present. And in the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I try to remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. The same is true for YOU. We have what it takes! (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. Daily relationships that make us feel less like ourselves.
Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.
9. Old life chapters that are still lingering half-open.
You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really you just loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page. Be brave! Embrace your goodbyes, because almost every “goodbye” you receive in life sets you up for the next “hello.”
10. The belief that we always need more than we have.
We don’t always need more — we need appreciation. Because we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your work, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day” is a great tool for this kind of perspective shift.)
How to practice letting go if life tests you today.
Reflecting on the reminders above can be incredibly grounding, but what can you actively do to let go when the immediate tension inside you is spiraling?
Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Angel and I personally take (and often recommend to our coaching clients and event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from disappointing outcomes in our lives:
- Acknowledge the tension inside you. — If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
- Resist the urge to act in haste. — The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger — actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
- Sit with your feelings, and give them space. — Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective — give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
- Be OK with not knowing. — Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?
The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaos.
It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there though, you are in for a great surprise — it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of letting go, changing your mindset, and rising above the turmoil.
Now it’s your turn!
Yes it’s your turn to breathe deep, to be present, and to remind yourself that every day is a series of a million tiny miracles. So just do your best to see them today. See how inner peace comes with letting go of what you assume your journey is supposed to be like, and sincerely accepting it for everything that it is…
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Cee says
At 77 years of age, I agree – this is a great post! All the points speak to me, but one that talks about old mistakes and errors in judgement has taken a great toll on my happiness over the years. I have been hard on myself about my past mistakes. Now I know that this should not be the case because the decisions I made then, whether good or bad, were made based on the information and understanding I had at that time. No one makes a decision with an intention to make himself or herself worse off. This realization makes me feel lighter, and it’s something I’ve been working on internalizing so far in my sunset years.
Bernie says
Wow Cee, the article speaks volumes and your comment put an exclamation point on it. Good ol’ hindsight is 20-20.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here.
Jammi says
This is a beautiful comment . I am finally doing the same. Stay well.
Hallie says
yes, thank you too for writing my response almost exactly as I was thinking it.
Jennifer says
Ditto Haley and the rest of you for stating exactly how I feel. After reading the article & the replies, I feel lighter and more able to adjust to the situations that life throws us all.
Living is not easy sometimes, but life is a wonderful experience (sometimes good, sometimes not). I guess its what you learn from the experience that makes it all worthwhile.
Christine says
So many of the recommendations you give are really sensible. At 72, I am a recent widow and my oldest son’s best friend recently died at 44. It’s been a lot to process. And I still have a lot of lingering resentments against my mother that I can’t seem to put to rest!
I feel tethered and just can’t seem to do what I need to do, let alone want to do.
The suggestion of “walking” instead of waiting is something I could possibly try today in the days ahead.
All of your suggestions are great, I save them and go back to them again and again.
You’re helping me though a difficult season.
Gail says
I’m not usually one to post a comment, but this article was just what I needed. Particularly the point about it being easier to fill the space in your life where someone used to be, than the space inside yourself where you used to be. Powerful and needed as I navigate a failing relationship.
Thank you!
Maria Gonsale says
Marc and Angel, this post is spot on for me. It truly resonates! In my personal life I’m getting better with accepting life and making the best of it. Through your teachings and the teachings of other experts I’ve learned how to better harness my presence. And being present has been the key to much of my recent breakthroughs. It’s seems overly simple when I say it, but practicing presence has been a true challenge, especially when life doesn’t turn out in my favor. Before I attended one of your live events a couple years ago in Orlando my thoughts and frustrations about life really got in my way of making effective decisions. I was reacting to everything, instead of responding mindfully. I appreciate the guidance you’ve given me and continue to share online via your emails and blog.
Jan Allan says
I am like you, in the fact that i react first & dont think things through. Its made me more aware what damage I can do to others by not thinking first. Im certainly going to be more mindful by just stopping & counting to 10, thinking things over & not just reacting.
All the best.
Kathleen hagbery says
Wow. Right on. Right time. Will read again and save for future reference.Thank you
Pearl says
Dear Marc and Angel,
I have been a reader of your blog since I was single. Now I have a family of my own.
Whenever I am full of so much emotions I can’t contain, it is your blog I seek for some thoughts I need to “hear”. And it would always give me a fresh perspective I thought I’d never need.
Thank you for this continued support through the years. And today’s post is especially wonderful. There’s still lots of little things I need to let go of – a very helpful reminder.
Elaine Schloms says
All I can say is THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I retired a month ago at 68 and suddenly feel lost and stressed. Your posts have been such a big help to me. I have always been the strong, peaceful, calming person for everyone and suddenly I now need that person. My mind is racing with all kinds of things and I have unusual nightmares which I think is related to inner overload. I need to let go of what was and move forward into a new season of my life. Not easy when it comes with extra stress among other things but I will get there. Your advice is Amazing.
Maryann Thompson says
I sometimes think, at 68, I am alone in feeling this way. Go figure! Thank you for sharing your thoughts today.
Shelia Mauney says
I just found this article and have to agree with same reply you just gave! Best article I have read that speaks concerning how I feel for this part of my new retirement life style . personally it speaks volumes! Thank you for sharing.
Karen says
Not knowing is okay right now! That resonated.
Patty says
M&A you are very gifted people shining light on all you touch with your insights and practical advice. I have followed you and read your blogs and books over the past 10 years, and at 65 know I am a better person now because of your valuable teachings which has also enabled me to help many people along the way. And thank you to readers who share as it is so affirming that others struggle in similar ways facing the losses and adversities of life. There is a tendency to think others do not carry the same burdens. And we fear judgment of disclosing our heartaches which we carry often alone which only deepens the pain. I continue to rely on the Serenity Prayer and your teachings to get through the really hard days. Again, thank you M&A for being the loving people you are and to the community of readers for the comfort of knowing we are all on the same bus navigating life.
Terry says
“A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses.” Love this line and wish I could get it tattooed across my mind! But I’m writing it down on a post-it note so I can see it every day. I’ve been through a rough patch for the past few years, starting with my father’s death along with caring for my mother in law. I really enjoy your posts and feel your insights have gotten me through the dark times recently! Thank you so much.
Gary Matson says
Your articles are overflowing with wisdom and insight, and I enjoy reading people’s comments here too. I am 75 and embracing a new season in my life. I realize this season will likely be shorter than others and I am ok with that. Our return on life is based in large part on how we invest in it. Growing up in a severely dysfunction home adversely impacted my early life choices. I have made mistakes but am not a mistake. My desire in my final season is to continue to grow emotionally and spiritually, to be a more compassionate person. To give back to others what God has given me. We live in a time when many people are hurting, but they do not have to hurt alone. Your essays can be a part of anyone’s healing. The only cost is a listening ear and willing heart.
Richard Kina says
Great article. This is some of what is swirling in my head now. I feel that I am on the right track. Just need to keep going.
Kim says
Thank you for this article – it was very timely for me. So hopeful to remember that there’s what happens to you and then that’s how you respond to what happens to you. And what happens between those two things is what makes a huge difference. I have an attendance hold onto the ideal, which is good in some ways because I take action to change. But it’s too heavy a burden to constantly carry around “how it should be” as a lead weight. Thank you for reminding me that I can accept what God brings my way, or allows us to come my way, without it weighing me down so much. That is is huge. I’m grateful.
Kim says
PS I dictated my comment above, so some of the phrases turned out rather interesting! 😀
Just another instance of “that’s not how it should be.“
Not sure how to edit my comment, so I would just have to live with it. Just like a lot of other things that aren’t perfect.
Hope you can interpret and dictated sentence sentences and get the gist of what I meant to say.
And it’s okay.
Phillip Warren says
I just turned 65 and all of the points that have been shared in this article has put my focus on what I’m in control of and how to be at peace with my conscience decisions from here on whether good or bad the outcome and change the negative decisions I’ve made to positive one’s and accept the outcome with peace in my heart. Thank You!!!!
Wall-E says
If I had read this article at the age of 20 years, my mind-sight today at 58 years at the age of retirement would have been 20:20 I think.
Lois Barlow Burnup says
THANK YOU for sharing this EXCELLENT thought provoking article!!! I am going to TRY to implement your suggestions in my life!!! Take care!
Finding me says
I am working hard on doing all these things and working to achieve a happiness that I haven’t had for a very long time. I an working to keep that happiness going in my life, though I know everyday won’t be sunshine and roses. However, I have a few family members who keep coming at me and telling me I am this or that and cconstantly bringing up the past and things they tell me I am bad for being or doing. I cannot get away from these people, as they show up at my home and call me at school and threaten to do this or that if I dont acknowledge them or give them information, etc. The major culprit is my mother’s 90 year old sister (my mom has dementia and is in a nursing home, and the sister says i dont do this and i dont do that) and has poisoned the family against me with lies. She was never around when i was young, and she says “she knows” what i did in this or that situation, and just downs me and tells me i am lazy, a liar, etc. What do i do? It is like she is some demon who can get in even if i lock the doors and dont answer the phone. She kerps threatening me sge is going to do this or that if i dont do EXACTLY what she says….she makes me miserable, and keeps pullinf me into the abyss she inhabits. I can be the one who lets go and moves forward, and have a supportive group of friends and coworkers. But her poisonous actions and venomous lies keep me in some chains i want so badly to break.
JM says
Wow! Every sentence here went a bit deeper than the usual growth space! I have never commented on anything online. This article really gets to the core.
Thank you. JM
Audrey Blackmore says
I enjoyed reading the article. It is very aspiring. Thank you. Greatly appreciated.