On the average day happiness is letting go of what you assume life is supposed to be like, and sincerely appreciating it for everything it is.
Over the past 15 years, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.
For example, there are a number of times when our minds cling to unhelpful ideals…
- Life isn’t suppose to be this way, I need it to be different
- There is only one thing I want, I can’t be happy without it
- I am absolutely right, the other person is absolutely wrong
- This person should love me, and want to be with me
- I should not be alone, should not be overweight, should not be exactly how I am right now, etc.
In all of these common examples the mind holds on tight to something—an ideal—that isn’t real. And after awhile the inevitable happens—lots of unnecessary stress, anxiety, unhappiness, self-righteousness, self-hate, and depressive emotions ensue.
So how can we stop holding on so tight?
By realizing that there’s almost nothing to hold on to in the first place.
Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, certain, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or at least partially imagined in our minds. Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we remind ourselves of this and live accordingly.
Today, let’s start practicing…
1. Practice letting everything in life breathe.
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
2. Practice accepting your present reality, and just floating.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.
Truth be told, inner peace begins the moment you take a new breath and choose not to allow an uncontrollable event to dominate you in the present. You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
3. Practice challenging the stories you keep telling yourself.
Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we simply took the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” A wonderful way to do this is by using a reframing tool we initially picked up from research professor Brene Brown, which we then tailored through our coaching work with students and live event attendees. We call the tool The story I’m telling myself. Although asking the question itself—“What else could this mean?”—can help reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase The story I’m telling myself as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created many “aha moments” for our students and clients in recent times.
Here’s how it works: The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you. For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase: The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.
Then ask yourself these questions:
- Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?
Give yourself the space to think it all through carefully.
Challenge yourself to think better on a daily basis—to challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal” is a great tool for daily reality checks and perspective shifts.)
4. Practice putting the figurative glass down.
Twenty years ago, when Angel and I were just undergrads in college, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we’ve never forgotten. On the last day of class before graduation, she walked up on stage to teach one final lesson, which she called “a vital lesson on the power of perspective and mindset.” As she raised a glass of water over her head, everyone expected her to mention the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” metaphor. Instead, with a smile on her face, our professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”
Students shouted out answers ranging from a couple of ounces to a couple of pounds.
After a few moments of fielding answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass is irrelevant. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the absolute weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”
As most of us students nodded our heads in agreement, she continued. “Your worries, frustrations, disappointments, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a little while and nothing drastic happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to feel noticeable pain. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed, incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”
Think about how this relates to your life right now.
If you’ve been struggling to cope with the weight of what’s on your mind today, it’s a strong sign that it’s time to put the figurative glass down…
Let go to renew faith in yourself.
A big part of practicing letting go is gradually renewing your own faith in yourself. This “renewed faith” means finding the willingness to live with uncertainty, to feel your way through each day, to let your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark. It’s about standing firmly on your own two legs in the present, without the crutches you’ve been holding on to, and gradually taking small steps forward.
You are strong enough to take those steps!
You’ve got this!
So what if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough and you are enough in each and every moment? What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough to move forward one step at a time? What if, for today, you choose to accept people exactly as they are, and life exactly as it is? What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to let go and celebrate your daily progress? And what if, tomorrow, you choose to do it all over again?
Practice making those choices…
Practice letting go and renewing the faith you once had in both yourself and the world around you.
Now it’s your turn!
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
How has holding on too tight affected your life?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Em says
I love the part about just floating. I have this massive fear of being unanchored vessel without control. But I realise to change and evolve I need to let go, start floating instead of clutching at straws. I’m glad I took time to read this essay today.
David Ruby says
The whole article was great!!! I needed it now. The theory I know but the practical application was extremely helpful. I will ponder how I can integrate it in my life of anxiety and worry, sometimes dread.
Donna maysey says
Such a great example of life,we never have control.we just have to know we are enough in Gods graces ty enjoyed this
Seeme says
This could not have come at a better time. Long story short I just this morning journaled that I have to let go of a relationship I really wanted. The other person is a mess and isn’t willing to release her illusions. I’ve been wanting to save her but as I journaled it just popped out “I am letting go”. I felt that. Didn’t know I was thinking that but whoof.
Time to let her breathe, and let myself breathe and let go for awhile.
Thank you.
Chris P says
Wow, loved the glass of water analogy. Sometimes we need to actually think about what we’re thinking in order to realize that it is weighing us down and that we can simply let it go. Thank you for sharing this!
Amara says
Breathe.
Reframe.
Shush the voices in my head.
Keep the glass down before it damages a nerve.
These things I know but must be reminded of. Thank you.
Stenta Andrei says
exactly my thoughts!
Diane says
Exactly what I needed today as I prepare to go on a 2-week trip with 10 other women (new friends). I’ve been creating in my thoughts, not so good stories about how I will be received. Our article reminded to just be me, cause they like that version of me! So I will just breathe and live each moment in joy for new experiences I will have!
D says
Yes, there are a lot of uncertainties. Life itself is uncertain, tomorrow is uncertain. I’ve learned that there’s a time to let go… of things that I have no control over.
Then there’s a time to hold on… to what I believe is right and true .. i.e. that I am right where I’m supposed to be at this time, in the situation that I am supposed to be in and working at what I’m supposed to be accomplishing. Living outside the box, allows for more malleability… I am become all things to all men. Staying positive is extremely beneficial… and leaving the past behind with hope for the future is a very real part of that. I don’t have to allow it to affect the present or the future. I’m simply looking to be the blessing that I desire to be in whatever capacity I’m able to be.
Helen says
Very insightful essay. Was just pondering this letting go of a relationship earlier tonight. Trying to put all the right sentences together in my head to have this conversation with him. He’s a great guy in many ways and I’ll be sad to let our many years go, but I’ve come to the realization that it’s never going to be anything more than friends and I don’t want to continue on this same path, holding on for some glimmer of hope. You’ve said a lot of things that make total sense and I shall follow through with this much needed wisdom. Thank you for helping me see the light.
Adina says
What an amazing essay! I really needed to hear this today. I’ve been going through a process of simplifying my life and de-cluttering, mentally, spiritually, and physically. So these words and this message really helps puts everything into perspective for me.
Ash says
I needed this read today. I was “telling myself a story” over and over again and it truly was starting to change my mood. This article hit on a lot of good points. I will remember to think about the stories I tell myself. Breathe in everything. And not hold on to things too long to avoid the pain.
Sheri says
Great and helpful essay. #4 especially hit home. My son and I lost my husband/his dad suddenly 5 years ago, and that “glass” has weighed us down ever since. This is an eye-opener that I look forward to sharing with my son. Letting go is a gradual process, but it’s one that must be practiced.
Karin says
Sheri, I was touched by your story in the comment above. It does take practice and intention. You sound like a very caring and wise woman/Mother. I send much good will to your process of letting go
Karen
Abdul says
Profound article and this needs to be practiced until it becomes a habit! We are programmed/hard wired to hang on to thoughts of things which have not been resolved yet and the simple “letting go” principle is the solution. Need to consciously practice this. Very good piece. Came to me at the right time. Thanks for the reminder! Appreciate it!
Toufik says
I have never commented on any kind of articles. But today I had to. This whole essay was so good. Thanks to you two. I’ve been holding on waaay too tight to a few things in my life and I need to breathe. It’s time to let go. I needed this push today.
Ying says
This makes me ponder so much about the pain and difficulties I am going through right at this moment. It absolutely says what I am feeling inside – suffocated, exasperated, deflated, exhausted – as no matter what I do, it all falls back to the things I hold on too hard but were never meant to be. This in very inspiring and I needed it. I need to let go, baby steps, but I really need to move on. Thank you for all the amazing articles you have been sharing. Every morning, after reading them, I find inspirations and motivations for the day. I often remind myself of the positive values I learn from your articles so I will remember to celebrate the little wins I have throughout the day.
Joyce N says
Wow, you’ve spoken to my soul. I need to put that glass down so I can be relieved from all the pain of my break up.
Am working on it. Day by day..
Thank you.
Nick P says
I’ve read your articles for a while but never commented. I really needed to hear this right now. In worrying times the best thing we can do is let go of what was and can no longer be.
Marilyn Hernandez says
Thank you for this article. It is truth in a word format. I have been practicing letting go of old ideas, ways of being and reacting. You always have a topic that speaks to me directly. Uncanny.? Or meant to be discovered. Your thoughts and words help enormously to confirm I am on the right path. Much appreciated. Keep sending more words of wisdom and peace.
David says
“So what if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough and you are enough in each and every moment, that you are strong enough to move forward one step at a time, to accept people exactly as they are, and life exactly as it is? What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to let go and celebrate your daily progress?”
Every day with Jesus, my rock and my salvation, is sweeter than the day before.
An inspiring essay, and thank you for it. Hugs.
Zahira Lopez says
Cancer, that’s what I got as a result of the stress I went through trying to take my brother out of a huge legal problem when he tried to Divorce. I devoted 2 and a half years to look for evidences that could prove his innocence; and I finally won. A month later, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Not hereditary, positive to estrogen and progesterone, the stress. I’ve learn a lot from you both, every time I read through a new article. These techniques were not new to me, but when you are right in the middle of the situation, there’s a fog that covers your intellect; it’s not until you come out, that you remember the tools you knew about and did not apply. It’s right there when you say, this will not happen again and star to tell yourself a different story. Thanks for sharing your insights.
Jeremy says
This is exactly what I have been going through most of my life. I have started training myself to not dwell on the things I can’t control. It has reduced my anxiety and am able to start living in the moment more often. I appreciate the reinforcement of this idea. This really resonates with me and shows me that I am on the right path. Thank you!
Thalita Lesufi says
Thank you so much for the encouraging words… the part i liked the most is to let everyone and everything breathe and to tell yourself a story. I really appreciate and I can feel my stress is a little bit lighter, keep up the good work guys.
woody beck says
Thank you – this lesson or thought control article is spot on with me at the moment. thank you for sharing.
Natasha Harokave Puiza says
The universe knew I needed to read this and it directed me here. I have been holding on to so much that it is exhausting and draining me of my life. Thank you so much.