The most powerful changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we do not.
Holding on is hard. Holding on contributes to stress, unhappiness, relationship issues, and so much more. Yet, as human beings, we cling desperately to almost everything…
- We don’t like change, so we hold on tight to the past.
- We want life to be the way we think it “should” be.
- We get attached to our ideals even when they hurt us.
Over the past 15 years, as Marc and I have gradually worked with hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.
So how can we stop holding on today?
By realizing that there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.
Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds.
Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we understand this.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not — it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax for a moment, and float.
I challenge you to ask yourself right now:
- What are you desperately trying to hold on to?
- How is holding on like this affecting your life?
Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist.
Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.
Think about how that decision could change your life.
For Marc and me, it honestly changed everything. And hundreds of people we’ve worked with over the years have had similar results. Here are some good reasons and ways life changes for the better once we loosen our grip:
1. When we let go, we allow ourselves to make the most of things.
A big part of your ability to be happy and successful in the long run relies on your willingness to let go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now, sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is, and then make the very best of it. Remember, when you stop worrying about what you can’t control, you have more time and energy to change the things you can control.
2. When we let go, we’re able to use our resources more effectively.
Again, holding on is wanting to control the uncontrollable. Letting go and allowing uncontrollable things to happen, on the other hand, means these uncontrollable things will take care of themselves more naturally, and your needs will also be better met in the process. At the very least, you will have less to do (less to control) and more time and energy to focus on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like some positive and effective daily rituals.
3. When we let go, we free our minds from extra worries.
When you are lost in worry it’s easy to mistake your worries for reality, instead of recognizing that they are just thoughts. Do your best to be more mindful. Let your presence expand and your overthinking shrink. Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in all the present possibilities.
4. When we let go, we learn more about how life really works.
When you hold on to how things “should” be, you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. The key is to educate yourself about your present circumstances and then work smarter with what you’ve got. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
5. When we let go, we get to appreciate others for who they are.
It’s about loosening up and learning to appreciate different perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your ego and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable. It’s about letting those you care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit your own egotistical idea of who you think they “should” be.
6. When we let go, we’re less distracted by people-pleasing.
How often has your life been driven by the misunderstandings and unfair judgments of others? And how often have these misunderstandings and judgments stressed you out simply because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you? The truth is most people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not. It’s time to let go of trying to control how everybody perceives you. It’s time to just do the best you can!
7. When we let go, we allow ourselves to grow and heal.
If someone breaks your heart, it’s not easy to deal with. But you can heal as long as you’re willing to accept the circumstances and then gradually move through them. For example, you may catch yourself thinking, “Why did I ever love him? I should never have given him my heart!” But that’s not a helpful thought. If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. That’s reality. And accepting that reality and everything that followed is part of letting it go, and growing from it.
8. When we let go, it gets easier to forgive ourselves.
Ask yourself: Is it possible that all the “bad” or “foolish” things you’ve done have been forgiven and forgotten by almost everyone who matters in your life, except you? The answer is likely yes. Sometimes you’ve just got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “This did happen. It was bad judgment. It was a mistake. But I’ve grown from it. I was, and I am, worthy of my own love and forgiveness.”
9. When we let go, we get to enjoy more of life’s little surprises.
Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and brilliant little surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some melody that moves you to the point of tears. Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? No? Then it’s time to let go of the constant rumination and pay closer attention to the life you’re actually living today.
10. When we let go, we live more gratefully (and gracefully).
To let go is, in part, to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that are appearing over the horizon. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s inevitable changes, to trust your own instincts, to learn as you go, to realize that almost every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.
An exercise for letting things breathe as you let go…
If you’d like another actionable way to practice letting go (like the opening visualization exercise on “floating”), this two-step closing exercise is for YOU:
- As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
- Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
That’s it. Repeat this two-step exercise as often as you need to. When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. Again, it can be a life-changing practice! (And if you’re looking for even more guidance and practice, this short essay is a great primer on the process of letting go.)
Now it’s your turn.
I hope this short essay brought more awareness to the fact that letting go isn’t impossible for you, and that it isn’t about hiding from life either. It’s about opening up to life and accepting the things you can’t control, so you can learn and grow. Surely it takes some practice, but when you develop the skill of letting go, and practice it daily, you automatically prepare yourself for almost any challenge life might send your way. Thus, it’s time to practice…
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
J.J. says
Marc and Angel, I’m truly enjoying your the writings and teachings in your two 1,000 Little Things books and your emails. And this says a lot about the quality of your work, because I’m a cynic about self-help advice and don’t causally buy into it. But I really appreciate your insights.
As it relates to the post above specifically, I have lots to let go of.
As my 50th b-day approaches soon, I’m struggling with the gap between what I expected my life to look like at 50 vs. the way my life really is today. The two are not even close. It’s difficult to accept that I have not done what I set out to do to the best of my ability, largely because of an uncontrollable circumstance that debilitated my health. But it was healing to read your thoughts on this. As I journal about them and ritualize them (part of a helpful strategy I picked up from your GBTH course) and try to apply them to my life circumstances, I know your words will gradually help me reframe what my life is, and design a wiser vision for my present and future.
Jamie says
All of them. I was recently triggered by someone and something from my past and have really been struggling with wondering “why it didn’t and why it can’t still work out?” I’m too scared to pose that question so I’m continually thinking of what I could or should have done different, why I’m not good enough and it just spirals from there. I need to get back to letting go and living. I have no control over others actions or feelings. I wish things could be different but there is nothing I can do about it. And that’s the hard part. Thanks for your article.
Naima says
The last two exercises did it for me. I’m going to follow it daily. I do all of the above that you mentioned in your article (not proud of myself there) but I’m trying to let go. The last exercises really gave me some perspective!! Thank you.
Wes says
Love this post, Marc and Angel. Food for thought for me today. I’ve been holding on tight to a job choice I made 14 years ago when I was only 19, but I’m finally building up the courage to let it go and rebuild my career in a field that deeply resonates with who I am today. Only small steps in that direction so far, but that’s progress for me and I’m feeling good about it.
J says
Thank you. I have been having an incredibly hard time letting go of the past and the way things “could have been”. And, just as you cautioned, my constant rumination is keeping me from living and enjoying the life that I have. At 72, more than anything, this essay is a timely reminder to put my effort and focus into the current moment and embrace what is while I still have the energy to do so.
Jana says
I desperately needed this. Everything you wrote about is so relevant. Answering your two opening questions:
I feel that I desperately try to hold onto all aspects of control in my life. Whether it’s my youth, certain tough relationships, work, any kind of hurt or stress my kids might feel – everything. But why?
It’s affecting me emotionally. I am always feeling stressed out and can’t take a deep breath. I never feel relaxed and always feel on edge. It’s wearing me down. I can see that affects my marriage and some days, my kids.
I am manifesting now to let some things go starting now. Thank you.
Heather says
The exercises and ideas above helped immensely — stopping and taking the time to really allow myself to ask and reflect, “What am I holding onto?”
Realizing that I didn’t get to say goodbye and thank my mom the way I really wanted to before she died. This is a tough one. Your emails are so incredible. If you provide one specific to this, I hope I read it.
The floating and breathing exercises are critical practices though for me right now.
Thank you once again.
Michelle Salas says
Thank you once again, M&A. I love when your wisdom arrives in my inbox right on time! These thoughts on letting go have been well received at my end. I have come to understand and accept that letting go doesn’t come as naturally to me as I would hope. I tend to hold on tight to almost everything, as you’ve said. This is especially true in my relationships. For example, while letting go makes sense, my emotional heart still strives to hold on and create an idea of who my husband is and what our relationship could be, despite the fact that my fantasies aren’t real. But even just reading these words reminds me that others too are struggling with this same issue in various ways, and that makes me feel less alone and gives me hope that I too can adjust my mindset and make better sense of things.
Shelley Modlin says
Thank you for this excellent insight today…I need to practice these and try hard to stick to them…I’ve been grieving badly for my mom for quite awhile..I ruminate about some guilty feelings I have and how I wish I could go back and make it different…I can’t, it’s too late.. but I’m going to make it a point to do the breathing exercises also, and find gratitude for the good and present opportunities in my life. I enjoy reading your ideas and look forward to them each time.
B says
Your short essay here hit all the marks for me as well. I needed to read this today.
Lately, my heart has been heavy because I wanted something I couldn’t have. My heart met another heart, and I felt something true and deep, but I needed to let it go because I was not free. I felt vulnerable because of love.
I need to breathe, learn, grow, and let go to give everything the oxygen it needs right now.
Thanks.
Bonnie Nemeth says
I am trying to hold on to a relationship that is basically over. Im so depressed. But reading this has really heiped me. I have to let go and move on. You have helped me to see that. Thank you.
David Cleroux says
1. When we let go, we allow ourselves to make the most of things.
A big part of your ability to be happy and successful in the long run relies on your willingness to let go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now, sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is, and then make the very best of it. Remember, when you stop worrying about what you can’t control, you have more time and energy to change the things you can control.
Right now in my life, the only thing I’m trying to hold on to is my relationship with the Lord and his Word. Hugs.
Rory Corsiglia says
Like your work so much.
-Rory
Geraldine Tucker says
I’ve not been successful at letting go of my daughter or a friend that betrayed me. My issue is control. I have a hard time forgiving and moving forward. This article gives me a lot to think about. Thank you.
Raveena says
This article is really helpful, I was stuck in similar situations but this reading shows me another direction of letting go. Thank You
Marie says
No. 6 I’ve been a people pleaser all my life, to the point I no longer realised I deserved to be happy & I’m still working on not feeling guilty when I say no.
I met a lovely lady at a coffee morning yesterday. She recently moved countries then her husband died suddenly, she didn’t stay long , she said she will come again but may stay 10 mins, 20 mins, ??
I’d been anxious about the coffee morning, because I thought I may be invited to more events that I would not want to go to, worried people would think me standoffish. This lady was taking care of her needs & being up front about it without worrying what people thought. She had a smile on her face. What an inspiration.
Another lady in the group did not want to split the bill because she was a pensioner & said she budgeted for only what she had to eat & drink. This too was inspirational to me, as I have been shamed before by family when I have wanted to do the same.
I’m learning that the people who respect themselves and their boundaries are joyously inspiring.
Marc and Angel thank you, because your books and posts put me on this path of learning.
Marielle Higler says
It is so easy to become overloaded with all the information, demands, and stimuli that come our way all day long. Letting go feels like taking my computer back to factory setting. All the triggers that were added on along the way, are deactivated, leaving space and time for the real me, and my true purpose.
Thank you for bringing it to our attention.