The goal is to change your response to what you can’t control — to gradually grow stronger on the inside, so less on the outside affects your inner peace and joy without your conscious permission.
The mind is the biggest battleground. It’s the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where we all develop thinking habits that put us in direct opposition with reality — where the things we fear drain us but never actually happen. It’s where our expectations get the best of us, and we fall victim to our own trains of thought, again and again.
Truth be told, in the game of life we all receive a unique set of unexpected limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you think about and respond to the hands you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof, or you can empower yourself to play the game sensibly and resourcefully, making the very best of each outcome as it arises, even when it’s hard to accept.
The bottom line is that when you can’t control what’s happening in the world around you, you must challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening, by better managing your habits of mind. Of course that’s much easier said than done though, because it’s hard to change the thinking habits we engage in mostly at a subconscious level. But we can get better by bringing more awareness to what we’re doing…
So today let’s take a look at three thinking habits Angel and I have seen draining hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees of their inner peace and joy, consistently over the past 15 years…
1. The habit of expecting things to be a certain way.
Imagine you had a ripe, juicy tangerine sitting on the table in front of you. You pick it up eagerly, take a bite, and begin to taste it.
You already know how a ripe, juicy tangerine should taste, and so when this one is a bit tarter than expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment, and swallow it, feeling cheated out of the experience you expected.
Or perhaps the tangerine tastes completely normal — nothing special at all. So you swallow it without even pausing to appreciate its flavor as you move on to the next unworthy bite, and the next.
In the first scenario, the tangerine let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations. In the second, it was too plain because it met your expectations to a T.
Do you see the irony here?
It’s either not good or not good enough. This is how many of us live our lives — unhappily and unsuccessfully. It’s why so many of us feel let down, drained, and unexcited so often…
Because nothing really meets our expectations.
Now imagine you try this instead: remove your expectations of how the tangerine “should” taste. You don’t know, and you don’t expect to know, because you haven’t even tried it yet. Instead, you’re genuinely curious, impartial, and open to a variety of possible flavors. You taste it, and you truly pay attention. You notice the juiciness, the texture of the pulp, the simultaneously tangy, tart, and sweet flavors swirling around on your tongue, and all the other complex sensations that arise in your awareness as you chew. You didn’t know how this tangerine would taste, but now you realize it’s different from the rest, and it’s remarkable in its own way. It’s a totally new experience — a worthwhile experience — because you’ve never tasted this tangerine before.
Mindfulness experts often refer to this as “beginner’s mind,” but really, it’s just the result of a mind-set free of needless, stifling expectations.
The tangerine, of course, can be substituted for almost anything in your life: any event, any situation, any relationship, any person, any thought at all that enters your mind. If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way, or be too plain and unexciting to even remember. And you’ll just move on to the next disappointment or unworthy life experience, and the next, and the next, and so on and so forth, until you’ve lived the vast majority of your life stuck in an habitual cycle of experiences you barely like or barely even notice.
2. The habit of inner resistance.
You might be surprised by how often you subconsciously resist life. If you evaluate your body and posture right now, I bet you can find some kind of tension. For me it’s often in my neck, but sometimes it’s in my back and shoulders.
Where does this tension we feel come from? We’re resisting something — perhaps we’re annoyed by someone, frustrated at life, overwhelmed by all our obligations, or just bored. And our inner resistance creates a tension in our bodies and weakness in our lives. Therefore, Angel and I often recommend this simple strategy to people who are struggling to relieve themselves of their resistance and tension:
- Locate the tension in your body right now.
- Notice what you’re resisting and tensing up against — it might be a situation or person you’re dealing with or avoiding.
- Relax the tense area of your body — a deep breath and a quick stretch often helps.
- Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.
Repeat this practice as often as needed. Face each day with less tension and more presence. Change your mode of being from one of struggle and resistance to one of flow and acceptance.
3. The habit of focusing only on what’s wrong.
The bottom line is that almost every situation imaginable has hidden beauty in it if we are willing to open up to it. For example, in the past, even as Angel and I coped with the death of loved ones, we discovered opportunities for us to appreciate life more, to celebrate the lives of those we’ve lost, and to tune in to the priceless time we’ve had, and still have, with people we love.
We do our best to embody this same mindset in every difficult life situation we encounter. When we get ill, it’s a chance for us to rest. When some unforeseeable event postpones one of our business projects, we spend more time with family. When our adolescent son throws a temper tantrum, we see that he’s expressing himself, asserting his individuality, and being human.
We choose to find what’s right, even when it’s hard to see. And we can all practice this on the average day. Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. Because while a small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Again, where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to not fall back into old habits of mind simply because they’re more comfortable and easier to access right now. It’s your turn to remember that you’re leaving certain thinking habits behind today for a reason: to improve your life — because you can’t move forward if you keep going back. And it’s undoubtedly your turn to reclaim your inner peace and joy, and make your time count going forward!
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Henly Dopo says
“Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance.”
I loved reading this. When going through the above situations, I don’t quickly tend to find the next better approach. Having more inner strength inside is better than pretending to show strength from outside.
Thank you for sharing.
Linda MN says
Hear hear Henly! That’s just what I was going to say! It is so empowering to concentrate our energies on what we Can control.
-Linda MN
Tammy Stella-marie Yurichuk says
Ditto…..even if I knew this, I need to be reminded to stay on track and affirmed!
Mike says
yes exactly, that is the section that touched me the most today
Thanks
Sharon K Hendricks says
This is my favorite part of the essay as well! Took a screenshot actually.
Beverly Barthule says
Today’s article seemed to be directed specifically toward me. I practice all 3 bad habits. This past year has been difficult as my situation has deteriorated and I find myself in a different place in my life. Recently I just made my life much more difficult by worrying about what might happen instead of paying attention to the present. I keep chastising myself about the bad things I do and I let them keep rolling over me. I truly need to learn how to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made in the past. My 85-year-old mother keeps telling me that I need to learn to forgive myself and she’s right. And these reminders here help me step forward a little today.
Barbara Altamore says
Big life changes ahead…at my own doing but it’s really happening. While my husband is resistant to this change, I’ve been excited to begin. It’s taking longer than I hoped so doubts and fears are creeping in. My back is feeling the tensions. I’m trying not to use lazy coping techniques, but they creep in there too. Then I beat myself up for it. I’m learning to accept the timeline as best as possible. I’m learning forgiveness of myself for my coping techniques. I’m learning to relax my shoulders, breath slowly, stretch more, and to just enjoy the journey of preparation and anticipation. Learning…not yet perfected. Trying to be excited and not scared. Wooo hooo! Almost there! (Thank you for these reminders. No matter how often they show up, they are just what I need to read and reread.)
Kaitlyn Rose says
I’m facing a life-changing situation, fraught with difficult decisions, and the hardest part has been facing change. I am reminded of what my mother said on leaving her much-loved home to enter a nursing home, “I’m grateful I got to have it and live in it all these years.”
It’s so seldom we face the indecisiveness of the future with gratitude for what is and has been, and an openness to what could be a time of growth and happiness.
If you think of change as a new chapter, it becomes a manuscript to write as you will. Your essay reminded me to start today, instead of holding on tearfully to what has been.
Thank you both for your insightful words, always spot on–and without preachiness!
naavya says
this is never surprised excruciatingly agonized and inflicted on mankind to see elsewhere, also unlikely to bring shift change in people. it is same recognized unjustifiable and unacceptable monopolized behavioural pattern and action of majority people in the progressive society that misfortunately has gained continued extreme tractional mobility and practice from their non-existent unlocated defunct subconscious and unconscious functions to turn into forced upon self made – help excessive knowledge and misinformation referenced as well from partaken sponsored iniative of the reckless driven, unregulated propagation by mainstream electronic media and internet to fetch several doubts and confusions then downplay push forward them in darken hollow domain, over every juncture of misguided directions and outcomes most times in the living circumstances. further conclude, cause and left with disappointed, unfulfilled sacrified, separated unharmonized relationships and community gatherings without unawaken alerted realization and regret of what is really matter, needed as cherished nurturing gratefulness and commitment has suddenly in short term disappeared and distanced during all this durational lifetime
naavya says
another clear fact which is unacknowledged, unexplained and unstudied by the affective and behavioural sciences till date. it is because of dysfunctional motor response capability and empathical receptivity, responsible for unapproachableness in people under neural reflexes system.
Chris says
Thanks for another insightful article! I discovered all three of these principles in the beginning of my recovery journey over a decade ago. They have been difference makers in my life!
Living without stiff expectations and being open to all possibilities just works so much better…
Monika Monhoff says
The mind is the biggest battleground, that is so very true for me. It often keeps me from sleeping. It also keeps telling me everything I have done wrong. It truly is a battle.
Frans says
Through my 60+ years of working, I have listened to so many complain about their work/Boss/ other employees. I have always taken the atertude, & tried to get others to see it as well (normally unsuccessfully), that almost every job can be as pleasant as you make it! In all my years of working, I can look back & say there is not one job I hated, & I have worked from sweeping floors, cleaning toilets, to senior management! Its all a question of mindset & how you view what you are doing.
Sereta says
Thank you for for your articles, they have made me look at my life in a more positive setting. Mind over matter as they say.
Pete Sacco says
Good morning guys. On point article as usual.
The mind only becomes a battleground when it forgets it’s part of a larger system. When thought is grounded in the body’s lived experience and guided by a deeper sense of purpose and trust, clarity replaces conflict. We may not choose the hand we’re dealt, but when awareness, sensation, and meaning move together, life becomes less about struggle and more about skillful navigation—this, for me, is the essence that I also wrote about in my book, Living in Bliss: Achieve a Balanced Existence of Body, Mind, and Spirit.
Susan says
Thank you Marc & Angel. This was particularly interesting to me for the simple fact as you say the mind is everything. I am one to think a lot, always wanting things to be better which is fine but realistically knowing that things are the way they should be. I am not in control. I am learning to be the best version of myself for my family, for my friends, for humanity. Lots of love!
Hilda D'souza says
Lovely article. To sum it all up.
1. Gratitude does wonders even amidst worst days.
2. You can only decide how to respond to a situation or person when you have no control over what’s happening around you. So respond in a manner that will safeguard your inner peace.
3. Do not have too much expectation from any person or situation and do not be outcome driven, just enjoy the process. Take each day as it comes, be conscious of the stress that builds up in your body and practice mindfulness.
Monica says
I really enjoy this newsletter. I find myself with journal prompts and healthy food for thought after reading each one.
I do wish that you offered a subscription based version without ads, that was easily printable.
Jody Montemayor says
I thought the essay was super informative. I’m not a big online reader but your posts often keep my interest throughout the whole article. Thanks for the tips and continued inspiration.
Mark Roewe says
I know number 1 is me going out to eat is that exactly.. it’s always not good or not good enough for THE MONEY I HAVE TO SPEND . once in awhile a great one happens and makes me happy.. going out to eat is not fun for me..
#2 didn’t mean much to me.. I work out alot my body is always in repair
3 is me n I work on that alot.. the negative n in this world it’s damn work to find positive.. my workouts some days can’t even fix that. I struggle with see good. So I work on that a lot.. just trying to not see the negative
chris says
Very helpful article. In today’s current social climate it is very easy to find yourself slipping into negative thoughts and habits.
JAMES MORIASI says
Thanks alot first this reminder of negative habits. Inner resistance, resonated with me most. This is after substantially accepting situations and loved ones, without expectations. I thought I had it right but at times the expectations pop up and I realize it’s probably responsible for the resistance. I noticed that this resistance is usually when I am at rest and thoughtful or even when I am in bed, causing me not to fall asleep. I will now prioritize mindfulness to diffuse the tension of resistance. Keep up the good work.
David Cleroux says
I agree with all 3 points, having experienced them 1st hand. I believe that we all find ourselves being a little negative at times about the little difficulties we encounter and we learn to grow out of those perspectives without much difficulty as we change and mature. Being an avid Bible reader, I’ve learned to handle those “feelings and experiences” from a perspective of faith and trust and looking at the bright side, the silver lining, of which there always is. Thanks and Hugs.
Lynda Booth says
That was easy to understand and made so much sense Thank you. x
Punam Khanna says
Your response is more important than your present circumstances…. says it all for me. Thank you for putting it in a capsule.
God Bless
Aarushi Thora says
This came as a sign to me, a reality check, an important area to think of which I am currently lacking and due to which, being faced with extremes or emotions and deteriorated physical health.
I had a word with one of my friend today and we were discussing something related to what’s going on, how our reaction should be such that it doesn’t affect us to an extent that we get ill, both mentally and physically, and after reading this, I have decided to start practising the good thinking patterns again in my daily life events by leaving the loop of negative thought pattern.
Shirish Mulay says
Very good.
Stube says
Good post in general, but in the following scenario, if expectations are removed, but the tangerine simply does not taste good to you, what is ‘wrong’ with acknowledging that the taste is not remarkable to you in any way and is not necessarily a worthwhile experience – just one worth trying?
“Now imagine you try this instead: remove your expectations of how the tangerine “should” taste. You don’t know, and you don’t expect to know, because you haven’t even tried it yet. Instead, you’re genuinely curious, impartial, and open to a variety of possible flavors. You taste it, and you truly pay attention. You notice the juiciness, the texture of the pulp, the simultaneously tangy, tart, and sweet flavors swirling around on your tongue, and all the other complex sensations that arise in your awareness as you chew. You didn’t know how this tangerine would taste, but now you realize it’s different from the rest, and it’s remarkable in its own way. It’s a totally new experience — a worthwhile experience — because you’ve never tasted this tangerine before.”