You won’t find your worth entirely in someone else — you’ll find it in yourself, and then you will attract those who are worthy of your energy.
Sometimes we try to show the world we’re flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone. But we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. Take this to heart. You won’t find your worth in someone else’s approval — you find it within yourself, and then you attract those who are worthy of your energy. Because when you embrace who you are and decide to be authentic, instead of who you think others want you to be, all the new doors that open in your life will be opening for the right reasons.
So just remind yourself that there’s no need to put on an act today. There’s no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You have nothing to continuously prove. And if you catch yourself doing so, remind yourself…
1. It’s important to honor your own needs and boundaries.
When you run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval. And be sure not to leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply give yourself some healthy space and let karma deal with the things they say and do, because any bit of time you spend on these people will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you in the end.
Truth be told, some people will always tell you what you did wrong, and then hesitate to compliment you for what you did right. Don’t be one of them, and don’t allow these people to constantly drain your energy and joy. Remember that distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your needs and boundaries, respectfully.
2. The people truly worth impressing want you to be yourself.
In the long run it’s better to be loathed for who you are than loved for who you are not. In fact, the relationships that often work well in the long run are the ones that make you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself, and without preventing you from outgrowing the person you used to be. So let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes!
By being true to yourself, you put something breathtaking into the world that was not there before. You are stunning when your passion and strength shines through as you follow your own path — when you aren’t distracted by the opinions of others. You are powerful when you let your mistakes educate you, and your confidence builds from firsthand experiences — when you know you can fall down, pick yourself up, and move forward without asking for anyone else’s permission.
Bottom line: Don’t change just so people will like you; keep learning, growing, and nurturing your best self, and pretty soon the right people will love the real you.
3. You are the primary person who can change your life.
In every situation you have ever been in, positive or negative, the one common thread is you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to recognize that regardless of what has happened up to this point in your life, you are capable of making choices to change your situation, or to change the way you think about it. Don’t let the opinions of others interfere with this prevailing truth.
What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends primarily on what you choose to do with your time and energy. So stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Just keep doing your thing. The only people that will fault you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.
4. Society’s common measurements of worth are flawed.
When you find yourself trapped between what moves you and what society tells you is right for you, always travel the route that makes you feel alive, unless you want everyone to be happy, except you. Seriously, no matter where life takes you, big cities or small towns, you will inevitably come across others who think they know what’s best for you — people who think they’re better than you — people who think happiness, success and beauty mean the same things to everyone…
They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that — material things don’t matter. Don’t just chase the money. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive. Go for the things of greater value — the things money can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth. If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them. Never sell yourself short! (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love and Simplicity chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
5. Life isn’t a race against anyone else.
Everyone wants to get there first and shout, “Look at me! Look at me!” But the truth is, most of your happiness and growth occurs while you’re moving, not while you’re standing at the finish line. So remind yourself as often as necessary that you are not behind. You are where you need to be. Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance.
And don’t overwhelm yourself. Remember that you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Small, repeated efforts will get you there…
Work hard. Rest well. Learn to disconnect. Engage in self-care. In the marathon of life, the key is learning to be mindful and pace yourself.
6. The path to success often passes through failure.
You are an ever-changing work in progress. You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong. Screwing up is part of the process. Not getting approval, or not even looking the part sometimes, is the only way forward. If you try too hard to impress everyone with your “perfection,” you will stunt your growth! You will spend all your time faking it and looking a certain way, instead of growing up and living a certain way.
Truly, it’s impossible to live without failing sometimes, unless you live so cautiously that you aren’t really living at all, you’re merely existing. And if you’re too afraid of failing in front of others, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful in your own eyes. You have to remember that it doesn’t matter how many times you fail or how messy your journey is, so long as you do not stop taking small steps forward. In the end, those who don’t care that failure is inevitable are the ones that make gradual progress. And YOU can be one of them.
Now is the time — it’s your turn!
Yes, it’s your turn to stop proving yourself to everyone else, because you don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now! You have nothing to prove. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. I promise you will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give to yourself.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Joyce says
Great reminders here. At 72, they all ring true to me. Some people try to raise themselves up by bringing other people down. I’ve dealt with this many times throughout my life so far. And I now understand the importance of being a bigger part of my own support system.
Lolly Schiffman says
Joyce, you must have been reading my mind. Thank you for your comment. It is exactly what I needed to read and what I was about to write myself. . in my own way.
D says
It’s taken me nearly 60 years to stop trying to prove myself to everyone. I spent many years of my life in unfulfilling situations simply because I wanted to win the approval of of the wrong people.
Honestly my most important life lesson I’ve learned is to not care what people think of me as much, and that I cannot please everyone no matter how hard I try. Now I have this mantra: “I am who I am, and if people can’t accept me for who I am, they can keep walking.”
BTW, I bought two of your books today and I can’t wait for them to arrive. I’m giving one of them to my daughter as a gift too (she actually introduced me to your site a few months ago).
Sue Finnerty says
I certainly can relate to this. I reached 70 this year and decided I only needed to give permission to myself for how I lived my life. Anybody else’s opinion didn’t really matter. For many decades I chased after people for their approval or validation and they really didn’t give too hoots. So empowering when you reach this stage of your life. It’s such a great feeling not to worry about what others think and just life your life how you choose.
Mary Ann Russum says
Oof is all I can say to this article that I wish I had access to MANY years ago. I worried far too much what other people thought of me and took far too many things personally. After a torturous 10 years at a job with people who I thought were my friends, and really they were more like frienamies, I had to regroup and find myself again. 10 years later, and now 58 years old, trust me when I say, that won’t happen again. I know who I am and who’ll associate with. I know my worth and I know my true friends and am lucky to have some great ones who’ll always be there for me. Anyway, thanks for this reminder to continue to be myself. I’m an artist and rebel at heart and I’ll keep on fighting that good fight till the end.
M. Inkwell says
I needed to read this today. I have been a people pleaser for most of my life. Overtime I started to give myself and all my quirks the freedom to be seen. I am not perfect but I am kind, brave, funny and wildly creative most of the time. That’s who I am. So I don’t look like a model or live in a mansion, but I am loved for me, not who I should be.
Nakii says
Thank you for this topic, I was told by my beloved mother since I can remember, to be who are I am no matter what…I am 62 years younger today and I still hold on to that. Me is me myself and I…..Amen
All your advice or do I call it teaching are all very much appreciated always. Never stop doing your best.
Liz says
For many years now I have used this phrase: “What you think of me is none of my business !!!” It always helps me to remember to stay true to myself .. Thank you for your amazing and inspiring columns and emails .. I have spread the word on how valuable they are ..
Hugs to you both, Angel and Marc, and everyone here who comments.
Gina says
Wow – this one was divinely timed for me. I am working on healing my heart and my relationship with myself and the world. The inner narrative that has hurt me the most, likely passed down by a broken parent, is the idea that I need to be approved or confirmed by others before I can believe that I’m good enough. I inwardly panic when people disagree or misunderstand me, especially if they show any kind of contempt or disrespect towards me. It makes me want to hide in shame and seethe in anger, especially in our current ideologically charged times. I am learning how to listen to myself and focus on knowing what makes me feel full and tender inside, and then approving of myself for following my own path. I’m trying to give myself the presence, openness, patience, kindness, encouragement and accolades I’ve sought from people who don’t understand my path and are walking a totally different one. It’s a slow and long process. But I’ll do my best to enjoy the climb. The words in this post, and in the comments above mine, make me feel more seen, and remind me it’s okay if not everyone sees me for who I am. Thank you, M&A
Lorna says
Great advice here! The fear of making a mistake and “looking bad” in front of others used to cause me to freeze and not do, or start, anything – by not starting, I wouldn’t risk failing.
Re-framing that fear with a new meaning that mistakes were opportunities for learning and growth helped me to see value in the process as well as in myself. And continues to give me the courage to step outside of my comfort zone.
Gloria says
For years I travelled a really rocky path… way back almost 30 years ago I promised myself to truly find out figure out who I am …years of seeking approval, years of wanting to be loved… no one could love me if I didn’t love myself self care was number one today I don’t look my age
I know why self care not knowing everything minding my own business… loving the me I am… I often wondered how others looked so beautiful it’s the inside out… I learnt all about me and have that today… there is a beauty in each of us. thank you for your emails. love them.
LaNeil says
What resonated with me the most is: The people truly worth impressing want you to be yourself. I just realized in my life how much of a people person I been since the age of 5 years old. I’m 40 as of now, and I’m getting really annoyed with performing for others. I have 3 children and the youngest are on the spectrum! And I know the love me unconditionally, they are also the happiest when I am myself and it truly is the only people I should be trying to impress! I pray everyday for peace with my situation I’m in and while I’m currently dealing with different struggles your articles and emails always give me that boost I need and the validation that I’m on the right track just keep trucking. THANK YOU.
Meenakshi Shivram says
Do I even know what the authentic ‘me’ is? It’s been a while since I thought about me in relation to my limited world around me. Thank you for this post and the comments above. At 64, there’s still time to stop ‘proving’ what I am worth! I am worthy of some peace of mind!
Harini says
Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself.
So true! I’m nearing 60. Spent all years of my married life defending people even when they were wrong, just to keep relationships strong. I’m a slow learner, but learning…
David says
I found this essay very truthful and uplifting. Every part of it spoke to me and I very much appreciate it.
Perhaps being content with knowing that failures are a part of life, and that their purpose is in making us the person that we really want to be speaks the loudest.
“What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth.” Life tends to work on making us just that. Thank you. Hugs.
Richard Kina says
Spot on. You’ve got to live for you not others.
Anne High says
The timing of today’s article and topic surely was not coincidental! I have worried about being liked and accepted for too long. My old friend constantly tells me to “open the barn door and let that bird fly out. You are worthy!” I am now 74 yet this yoke is manifesting itself with family members because of different opinions. I hope I can throw this off . It’s sad. This article is very helpful.
Rachna says
I am currently in a situation where many people are pointing fingers at me, trying to prove me wrong. In such times, I often feel the urge to retreat; however, articles like yours give me the courage to keep moving forward. Thank you very much.
Is your book available in Hindi as well?
Anil Somduth says
Thank for this article, it was very inspiring and helpful to understand why I am so unhappy because I am trying to please others, at the cost of my sanity. Now I know that I come before anybody else for me peace of mind. Thank you.
They say, you live and learn but when you have learnt there is no time to live. God bless to Marc and Angel.
Cathie says
“You are stunning when your passion and strength shines through as you follow your own path — when you aren’t distracted by the opinions of others.”
This really resonated with me – I was at a conference, I seized the opportunity to speak, and I was really passionate about what I believed – even though I worried I would be the only person in the room that felt the way I did. Turned out there were quite a few of them who felt like me, and those that disagreed were still enthusiastic about my belief – very invigorating!