Earlier today, I was sitting on a neighborhood park bench eating a sandwich when an elderly couple pulled their car up under a nearby oak tree. They rolled down the windows and turned up some jazz music on the radio. Then the man got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, and opened the door for the woman. He took her hand and helped her out of her seat, guided her about ten feet away from the car, and they slow danced for the next half hour under the oak tree.
It was a beautiful sight to see. I could have watched them forever. And as they wrapped things up and started making their way back to the car, I clapped my hands in admiration.
Perhaps doing so was obnoxious. Perhaps I should have just appreciated being a silent witness. But I was so caught up in the moment — so incredibly moved — that my hands came together before my conscious mind caught on. And I’m sincerely grateful it happened just that way, because what happened next inspired the words you’re reading now.
The elderly couple slowly walked over to me with smiles on their faces. “Thank you for the applause,” the woman chuckled.
“Thank YOU,” I immediately replied. “You two dancing gives me hope.”
They both smiled even wider as they looked at me. “Us dancing gives me hope too,” the woman said as she grabbed the man’s hand. “But what you probably don’t realize is that you just witnessed the power and beauty of second and third chances.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“My college sweetheart — my husband of 20 years — lost his life to a rare illness on my 40th birthday,” she explained. “And then my husband of six years died in a car accident when I was 52.”
As my mouth hung open, we all shared a quick moment of silence. Then the man put his arm around her and said, “And I lost my wife of 33 years when I was 54. So what you see here before you — these dancing partners… this incredible love… this marriage of 10 years between two kindred souls in their mid 70’s — all of this is what happens when you give yourself second and third chances in life.”
Mindset is everything (especially in hard times).
I’ve spent the rest of the day thinking about that beautiful couple, about second and third chances, and about how human beings find the motivation to keep going… to keep loving… to keep living, despite the pain and grief and hopelessness we all inevitably experience along the way.
And this topic hits close to home too.
About 15 years ago, in a relatively short time-frame, Angel and I dealt with several significant losses and life changes, back-to-back:
- Losing a sibling to illness
- Losing a mutual best friend to a heart attack
- Financial unrest following a breadwinning job loss
- Breaking ties with a loved one who repeatedly betrayed us
- Family business failure (and reinvention)
Each of those experiences were brutal. And enduring them in quick succession knocked us down hard. For example, when Angel’s brother died, facing this reality while supporting her grieving family was incredibly painful at times. There were moments when we shut the world out and avoided our loved ones who were grieving alongside us. We didn’t want to deal with the pain, so we coped by running away, by finding ways to numb ourselves with alcohol and unhealthy distractions. And consequently, we grew disillusioned while the pain continued to fester inside us.
Getting to the right state of mind — one that actually allowed us to physically and emotionally move forward again — required diligent practice. Because you better believe our minds were stuck in the gutter. We had to learn to think straight again, so we could open ourselves up to the next step.
And we gradually learned that when you face struggles with an attitude of openness — open to the painful feelings and emotions you have — it’s not comfortable, but you can still make progress. Openness means you don’t instantly decide that you know this is only going to be a horrible experience — it means you admit that you don’t really know what the next step will be like, and you’d like to understand the whole truth of the matter. It’s a learning stance, instead of one that assumes the worst.
The simplest way to initiate this mindset shift?
“Notes to self” are the key.
It’s all about proactively keeping the right thoughts top of mind, so they are readily available when you need them most. For us, that meant sitting down quietly with ourselves every morning (and on many evenings too) and reflecting on precisely what we needed to remember. We used short written reminders like the ones below to do just that. Sometimes we’d call them mantras, or affirmations, or prayers, or convictions, but in any case these daily “notes to self” kept us motivated and on track by keeping grounded, peaceful, productive thoughts at the top of our minds, even when life got harder than expected.
We ultimately discovered that peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard realities to deal with; peace means to be in the midst of all those things while remaining calm in your head and strong in your heart.
Challenge yourself to choose one of the bolded “notes to self” below every morning (or evening), and then sit quietly for two minutes while repeating it quietly in your mind. See how doing so gradually changes the way you navigate life’s twists and turns…
1. Never assume that you are stuck with the way things are right now. Life changes every single second, and so can you.
When hard times hit there’s a tendency to extrapolate and assume the future holds more of the same. For some strange reason this doesn’t happen as much when things are going well. A laugh, a smile, and a warm fuzzy feeling are fleeting and we know it. We take the good times at face value in the moment for all they’re worth and then we let them go. But when we’re stressed, struggling, or fearful, it’s easy to heap on more pain by assuming tomorrow will be exactly like today. This is a cyclical, self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your future through that same dirty lens, and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that is worn out and false.
2. It is what it is right now. Accept it, learn from it, and grow from it. It doesn’t matter what’s been done — what truly matters is what you do from here.
Realize that most people make themselves miserable simply by finding it impossible to accept life just as it is presenting itself right now. Don’t be one of them. Let go of your ideals. This letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about something or someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only thing you really have control over is yourself in this moment. Oftentimes letting go is simply changing the labels you place on a situation — it’s looking at the same situation with fresh eyes and an open mind, and then taking the next step.
3. Use pain, frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Again, your response is always more powerful than your circumstance. A tiny part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
4. The most effective way to move away from something you don’t want, is to move toward something you do want, one step at a time.
The key is in building small daily rituals, and understanding that what you do in small steps on a daily basis changes everything over time. This concept might seem obvious, but when hard times hit we tend to yearn for instant gratification. We want things to get better, and we want it better now! And this yearning often tricks us into biting off more than we can chew. Angel and I have seen this transpire hundreds of times over the years — a coaching client wants to achieve a new milestone as fast as possible, and can’t choose just one or two small daily habits to focus on, so nothing worthwhile ever gets done. Let this be your wake-up call. Remind yourself that you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Small, repeated, incremental efforts will get you there.
5. Effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you more educated, more experienced, and stronger in the end.
When the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of struggle to get there. Again, it happens one day at a time, one step at a time. And the next step is always worth taking. No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will make it. Have an unrelenting belief that things will work out, that the long road has a purpose, that the things you desire may not happen today, but they will happen. Practice patience. And remember that patience is not about waiting — it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working diligently to make daily progress.
6. Don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being derailed by them.
As you strive to make progress, you will inevitably encounter road blocks in the form of difficult people. But realize that the greatest stress you go through when dealing with a difficult person is not fueled by the words or actions of this person — it is fueled by your mind that gives their words and actions importance. Inner peace and harmony begins the moment you take a deep breath and choose not to allow outside influences to dominate your thoughts, emotions, and actions. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
7. As you age, you’ll learn to value your time, genuine relationships, meaningful work, and peace of mind, much more. Little else will matter.
Remember this, especially when the going gets tough. Focus on what matters in each moment and let go of what does not. Eliminate needless distractions. Realize that too often we focus our worried minds on how to do things quickly, when the vast majority of things we do quickly should not be done at all. We end up rushing out on another shopping trip, or hastily dressing ourselves to impress, just to feel better for a moment. But these quick fixes don’t work. Stop investing so much of your energy into refining trivial areas of your life. Ten years from now it won’t really matter what shoes you wore today, how your hair looked, or what brand of clothes you wore. What will matter is how you lived, how you loved, and what you learned along the way.
Afterthoughts on deep loss and reinvention.
Before we go I want to briefly address the biggest elephant in the room. That elephant is losing someone you love. The elderly couple in the opening story lived through this kind of loss. Angel and I have lived through this kind of loss. And although there are no words to make it easier, I want those who are presently coping with this kind of loss to know that the journey forward is worth it. The end is always the beginning. There’s more beauty — a different kind of beauty — ahead.
You see, death is an ending, which is a necessary part of living. And even though endings like these are often ugly, they are necessary for beauty too — otherwise it’s impossible to appreciate someone or something, because they are unlimited. Limits illuminate beauty, and death is the definitive limit — a reminder that we need to be aware of this beautiful person, and appreciate this beautiful thing called life. Death is also a beginning, because while we have lost someone special, this ending, like the loss of any wonderful life situation, is a moment of reinvention. Although deeply sad, their passing forces us to reinvent our lives, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places. And finally, of course, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life, and to be grateful for the beauty they showed us.
That’s just a small slice of what living through deep loss has taught us.
Just a short piece of a longer story that’s still being written…
A story of second and third chances, renewed hope, and heartfelt dances.
And the reminders above will get you there, one day at a time.
Your turn…
Before you go, let me ask you a quick question:
- Which point above resonates the most with you right now?
And how might reminding yourself of it, daily, change your life?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Louise says
So beautifully said. Thank you! I lost my younger brother 6 years ago. He was 50 years old and we were very close. It has been a struggle dealing with his loss but unfortunately in addition to losing him, my sister-in-law has denied us any contact with their 2 young children. So for me and my family the loss has been multiplied. It has taken me a long time and I still struggle but am becoming more accepting to the way things are. I try to just move on with my life and realize that I cannot change the circumstances but have to keep moving forward. And your reminders here help.
Dustin H Randle says
But realize that the greatest stress you go through when dealing with a difficult person is not fueled by the words or actions of this person — it is fueled by your mind that gives their words and actions importance
This struck home the most. As I gazed at the moon this morning looking at this enormous celestial body I started to think about religion, space, self, the moon, the glow, and more. Then now sitting here feeling like giving my life another chance for love, new life, and success I thank you two for your story. I lost two growing friendships in February in a wreck. I must move on. I read a spiritual warfare book this morning and am aware of this bitter battle. Yes I fell forward on my bed moaning for comfort, feeling the heavy pain, believing again only in the little I know. This article speaks to me. I want to love again, to dance with my new boots, and escape this crazy maze. This concludes into the power of perspective. A positive well meaning attitude towards the circumstances will give me the power to grow and shine light even into my own world. I’m sorry for y’all’s losses, trials, and misfortunes. I believe you will make it and lead us all in this down to earth blog on hope.
Shirley says
I absolutely love when your blog’s emails drop into my inbox right when I need to read them most. Your work is always something I know I can turn to for inspiration and motivation when I really need it.
Thank you for that opening story and commentary, and for your closing thoughts on losing someone you love. I’ve been there, and I couldn’t agree more with what you’ve said and how you’ve said it.
Joyette says
I lost my first marriage through a painful divorce when I was 32. I remarried 5 years later to a wonderful man who I lovingly refer to as my “upgrade husband”. He passed away suddenly 6 years ago. The morning after his heart attack, I made a commitment to myself. I declared to “keep my heart filled with love and appreciation so there wouldn’t be enough room for grief to take over”. Dancing between pain and gratitude is easier said than done but what a great teacher it’s been! I’ve been a self proclaimed inspirational quote junky since my divorce years and consider those one liners posted awkwardly all over my living space my connection to the life I want to live. You are absolutely correct, they help! They serve as little reminders to focus on what we want more of – more love, more kindness, more joy. Thank you for the lovely reminder that second and third chances exist and worth the effort to to go after them!
TS says
I have found that Grief is simply Love in a different form. Blessings to you.
Julie Mae says
You will never know how much I needed this today. The 25th anniversary of my baby sister’s death is in two days and after all this time, it isn’t any easier. I am also reeling from the loss of my mother, step-father, and father-in-law over the past year mostly due to old age. I carry a lot of guilt that I couldn’t care for them all as much as was needed, so points 1 and 2 carry the most impact for me at the moment. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Caroline says
I lost my baby sister 2 years ago. It was so hard & still is.
I’m sorry for all your losses. I’m also sure you did the absolute best you could for your loved ones.
Sending you much love.
anon says
“Although deeply sad, their passing forces us to reinvent our lives”
My Mom passed recently, early at the age of 65. She set some incredible limits on my life course without realizing she did so. It is only in my mind by the things she said to me. I have been realizing recently that these limits should have been dissolved by her death, but it is easier said than done. I WANT to reinvent my life now, without her limits.
Thank you for helping reinforce that with your writing. It is much appreciated, and give me something to move toward.
Renée says
This article is just fantastic! I feel blessed to have come across it and have forwarded it to others! The points that stood out for me are:
– Effort is never lost…
– Small – CONSISTENT steps will get you there…
– Focus on what matters in each moment and let go of what does not. really resonate for me. I hope these points are written on the template of my mind!
I also thought the tips about moving through grief from death of a loved one can be employed not only in the departure of a love one, but during an unwanted relationship breakup.
Thank you for the gift of care and help you given!
Love Love Love this!
Robyn Mixon says
Thank you Marc and Angel for all the pragmatic and uplifting thoughts throughout the years. You are wise and super helpful–kind and caring too. Happy Easter to you both. I’m here for you as you are for me.
With love,
Robyn France
Tatiana says
Thank you for such a beautiful story and lessons. Your newsletters are truly inspiring.
I have had some losses in my life. Not so much death, but divorce, loss of my home and recently needing to move countries out of need. Your words help me keep going. Thank you for your genuineness and openness
Don says
I really needed this today. I feel like I have so much on my plate and im completely overwhelmed. You said we can’t lift 1000 pounds but we can lift 1 pound 1000 times. That describes where I’m at in my life. But I just dont know where to start. Im in a hole 30 feet deep with 10 problems to overcome for every foot that Im buried… so I suppose I have 300 problems ? but this article was full of wise words. I know I’ve got to take things one day at a time. Its just hard to see the big picture to know where to start. Im too young (43) to give up on finding happiness and finding a woman to share my life with, but its so hard to see a future where that happens. But thank you for this. I have bookmarked it and plan to continue to come back to it to read.
Martha says
I love the story, the personal touch, and the thoughtful reminders.
I think I’ve mentioned this before in a comment on a previous post, but it’s worth mentioning: Even when times are rough and I’ve lost my motivation, my top strategy is to stop myself from nagging and complaining. I just do the absolute best I can in the present, one tiny step at a time, just as you teach. This is probably the most important idea and strategy for living I’ve picked up from your course and coaching (although there are many) — it is indeed a strategy — a daily ritual — I use every single day of my life.
Tracy Farris says
That was the most amazing and heart touching article ever. I loved it. I lost my son 4 years ago from a drug overdose and it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Your words resonated with me on so many levels. Thank you for all the great inspirational comments and insights that have helped me in my senior years. God Bless you.
taya says
I LOVE your site. It helped me through my hardest time 8 years ago and now visiting you again, still inspired <3
Jeri Glosse says
Gratitude. I am so grateful in this moment to read your encouraging words. I am eighty years old, living in a nursing home. Without details, I will share that it was my own ineptitude, magical thinking and profound grief at my husband’s death that brought me to my lowest point. I lost everything. Everything, that is, that I could see, touch and hold. But my story did not end there. Somehow, the material loss provided me with insights and startling vistas of new horizons. I am by no means “fixed” … I am work in progress EVEN NOW. And I thank you both for your tireless inspiration. Your words resonate and stimulate hope. It is your gift, and I’ve been reading you for a couple years now in gratitude.
Ronald Del Buono says
My wife of 47 years passed away recently and I am having a hard time moving on. All the noteworthy days like today on Easter are my first alone in 48 years. I’m trying to take it one day at a time but not easy.
Lee says
To be grateful, for the life our loved one shared with us… someone told me that at my son’s funeral service. I stared back in disbelief…yet, the comment would haunt me… almost 10 years now…I still remember her words as I sit here today to write this! I am grateful, thankful, for every single day I was his mama. He brought so much JOY and happiness to everyone… I say this with tears… Love you son.
David says
“7. As you age, you learn to value your time, genuine relationships, meaningful work, and peace of mind, much more.
Focus on what matters in each moment and let go of what does not. Eliminate needless distractions. Realize that too often we focus our worried minds on how to do things quickly, when the vast majority of things we do quickly should not be done at all. We end up rushing out, or hastily dressing ourselves to impress, just to feel better for a moment. Stop investing so much of your energy into refining trivial areas of your life. Ten years from now it won’t really matter… What will matter is how you lived, how you loved, and what you learned along the way. ”
Well said and very true. That’s exactly how it is with me. Looks like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. Leaning to love and prefer others rather than myself. Hugs… and thank you.
V says
Really needed to read that. Thank you!
Rose says
I think all the points resonated with me
Well didn’t expect that response from the lovely elderly couple
It was great that you interacted with them
Sorry I’m abit slow to respond to your emails but very hard to focus when there’s constant vile cigarette smoking, they never even open windows to make it less bad
Anyway hoping the two of you had a lovely family Easter.
You’re such a caring couple.
Natalie Mullins says
I first want to thank you for the wisdom and passion of your work. I as a writer, appreciate the thought, time and effort you put into this heartfelt piece. I also admire the fact that, you see the beauty in others, not their hurt or pain. You embraced their trauma and wrote such a beautiful story!! I’m speechless!! I implore you to keep up the good work. Please know it’s a great pleasure to read your work. We the people would trade two Shakespeare’s and four C.S Lewis’s for you.
Jean says
Mindset us everything Yes even when things dont feel you can move on.
Leilani says
My husband left this life to be home in heaven a year ago. We were together 47 beautiful years. I speak to him daily. It helps me get thru each day.
I have good and bad days.
He was full of life, everyone loved him.
I have faith we will be together again.
Im thankful for good friends and family who keep in touch.
Thank you for your blog. It touched my heart.
Shelley Orr-Krause says
Presently reading your book 1000+ Little Things Happy Successful People do Differently. Absolutely love it !! Your above resonates with me also in three weeks will be a year I lost my brother , it still hurts so much . But thanks your writings help.
Rainy says
I feel so much better now.
Amie Lewis says
Use pain, frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
This connected. Not necessarily in a loss of a person way, but it called out how I have been living lately. I’ve allowed pain, frustration and inconvenience to be my limitations, to keep me stuck, to keep me from being accountable.
While I still feel somewhat blind to the solution, shifting my perception to look beyond the pain and frustration, to stop using as an excuse, opens up a world of possibility.
Kaisar Ahmed says
Having experienced divorces, deaths, and other tragedies, I have come to realize that we must:
1. Move on, but only after picking up some lessons from our negative(?) experiences,
2. Remember that good – maybe even better – things are right around the corner, and
3. Always do the right thing.
Lavaeda Bell says
Great read once again at the right moment when needed. I agree with we should not hold on to past failures, but grow & learn from them. And, understand each day with get ti begin again.