Too often we overestimate the significance of one big defining moment and underestimate the value of making a little progress every day.
You’re probably familiar with what’s known as the Serenity Prayer. It goes like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
There’s an important lesson here — one that’s very often glossed over…
When a chaotic reality is swirling around us, we often try to relieve our anxiety by exerting our will over external things we cannot control.
It helps us stave off one of the most dreaded feelings: complete powerlessness.
With that in mind, I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that generally speaking, almost everything is outside your control. What other people do, whether it will rain tomorrow, whether or not your efforts will be appreciated — all of these outcomes depend on factors that aren’t YOU.
But that’s also the good news.
The friction and frustration created by trying to change things you cannot change is the crucible where a ton of unhappiness is born. Accepting that most things are outside your influence gives you explicit permission to let them unfold as they may.
Stoic philosopher Epictetus put it this way:
“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our actions.”
Overcoming the “three big un’s” that so many of us struggle with daily — unhappiness, unconvinced things will ever change, unsure what to do next — begins with understanding what you can control and what you cannot.
The mental shift here is not easy. Most of us have spent a lifetime worrying about things that we can’t control. Society practically encourages this. For most, it’s a bona fide habit — one that should be replaced with a healthy understanding of how much we can actually change. Again though, it’s hard to get your mind wrapped around all this when you’re constantly hearing…
“Why don’t you just get over it?” or “Just let it go.”
We’ve all heard some flavor of this advice before. And it passes the sniff test, to a certain extent.
I mean, “time heals all wounds,” right? Well, yes… sort of. But wounds heal differently depending on how they’re treated.
Left alone, a gash in your skin will leave a large scar and be vulnerable to injury again in the future. This is why we get stitches — it helps the wound heal in a way that limits the chance of re-injury down the road.
Emotional wounds work the same way. Given enough time, most emotional pain will diminish — that’s true. But…
Just “Getting Over It” Leaves Scars
In the emotional sense, scars equal baggage — baggage we carry with us into every aspect of our lives. These scars grow and accumulate until one day you wake up suffering from one or more of the “three un’s” (unhappiness, unconvinced things will ever change, unsure what to do next).
So, don’t get over it. Go through it, one step at a time.
Honestly, I understand the desire to “get over” difficult experiences or situations rather than facing them. Revisiting painful memories or facing our present demons is really, really hard. And we as human beings are hard-wired to not cause ourselves pain.
However, as our parents taught us, ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away.
And in addition to the scars, to ignore or downplay a wound puts you at risk for infection, emotionally as well as physically.
Unresolved issues in your life take up residence in your mind and influence your decisions, your relationships, and your attitudes. They rob you of your happiness and potential.
Of course, doing the hard yet necessary things to resolve your issues and heal your wounds can feel impossible. This is how Marc and I felt a decade and a half ago when we were knocked down and stuck in a rut after simultaneously losing two loved ones — including my dear brother — to self-harm and illness. It was nearly impossible to move anywhere significant when we didn’t feel we had the strength to push forward.
So if you’re feeling this way now — like it’s impossible to make significant progress today — you aren’t wrong for feeling what you feel. In many cases, you’re right: significant progress comes gradually with time and consistency. It’s all about taking one tiny positive step at a time, and staying the course.
Consider the following section, which is an excerpt from “The Good Morning Journal”:
The Power of Tiny Changes
Think about the fact that it only takes a one degree change in temperature to convert water to vapor, or ice to water. It’s such a tiny change — just one step in a different direction — and yet the results are dramatic. A tiny change can make all the difference in the world.
Now consider another example where a tiny change is compounded by time and distance. Perhaps you’re trying to travel somewhere specific, but you’re off course by just one tiny degree in the wrong direction…
- After one mile, you would be off course by over 92 feet.
- If you were trying to travel from San Francisco to Washington, D.C., you would land near Baltimore, Maryland, over 42 miles away from your desired destination.
- Traveling around the world from Washington, D.C. back to Washington D.C., you’d miss by 435 miles and end up landing near Boston instead.
- In a spaceship traveling to the moon, a one-degree error would have you missing the moon by over 4,100 miles.
You get the idea — over time and distance, a mere one-degree change in course makes a significant difference…
This same philosophy holds true in various aspects of our lives. The tiniest and most fundamental things we do each day — positive and negative alike — can make all the difference. They either bring us closer or farther away from where we ultimately want to be. And yet, we mostly ignore this reality. We default to behaving as if our daily actions won’t ever be significant enough. Or, again, we try to exert control over the bigger things we have no control over.
Think about it…
- How many people uphold unhealthy and unproductive habits?
- How many people wait around and procrastinate on the next positive step?
- How many people live every day of their lives moving one degree away from where they ultimately want to be?
Don’t be one of them!
Truth be told, everyone travels 24 hours a day whether they’re moving in the right direction or not.
How much richer would your life be if you committed yourself to making just one degree of effort toward improving something about your situation each day?
And even though it will surely be harder than doing nothing, it doesn’t even have to be anything that hard. You just need to muster up the courage to break free from the status quo and take one small, fundamental step forward today, and then do it again tomorrow.
Pick something tiny and productive to improve upon, and then make it a daily habit.
Doing so will make all the difference in the world — it could literally change your life — just a few short weeks down the road.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to focus on those fundamental yet effective steps today. So give yourself some credit right now for how far you’ve come, and then take the next step forward.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Barra says
I absolutely love the one degree of change analogy. It made me look at things differently and I needed that turn around. I’ve appreciated all your advice and insight over the past year or so. Keep it coming!
Kimberly says
So often I feel like the day got away and I didn’t do enough..now this article has me thinking about what really matters. Self care is rest and play..take time for something you enjoy. Also, things that seem too difficult although important, can be incremental..
Maryann says
Wow can I relate to this!
You often hear about making that first step, or one step at a time… that one degree of change is very relavant right now.
I work for myself as a graphic artist and have really struggled in the past year and a half. I lost a big client back in March who provided a steady monthly income, lost a contract job recently due to budget cuts and have had multiple other great opportunities fall through the cracks for various reasons that I had no control over. Through all this I feel like I’ve taken 3 steps forward and 8 steps back. It’s been very frustrating as freelancer and business owner and has caused a lot of financial strain.
You are SO correct in saying that making that 1 percent change can be just the thing that will change your course. I know I fret a LOT about work and money. I know I fret a LOT about what to do next and all that does it just keeps me stuck where I am. Thanks for the encouragement to just make those baby steps to keep life moving forward. I’m sure in some ways I do that but honestly, I need all the encouragement I can get these days!! Thank you!
Waterlover says
I’m 72 and five months ago I decided to completely change my life and move to a different city; to close my past and start a new life. Needless to say this is been a daunting task. An endless stream of disconnected events been overwhelming. Although all of Marc and Angel’s articles have been bountiful, this one really fit, especially today. There are so many loose ends that I have to tie up and I’m overwhelmed. This advice was exactly what I needed today… Just get a certain amount of small things done every day and they will amount to the big picture. Thank you so much! Please continue to post and publish for us in the trenches.
Margret Howard says
Hello Waterlover.
I’m writing to you from hot & sunny Southern Australia. I can identify with everything you wrote (about closing your past & moving to a different city). All went well for 6mths then reality set in. I wasted 18mths adjusting to ‘the big move’ & have only recently started to make small shifts/changes to my new routines & habits.
Thank you Marc&Angel for describing ‘one degree change in course’ … now I have an achievable plan!
– Grandma of 4
Rose says
Thank you for your comment and thank you, Marc and angel, for this essay and your constant wisdom. It is so lovely to feel that there are people just like me working on our lives– that I am not alone. I am blessed by the community. And I’m blessed by your comment, so enjoy sunny Australia. That sounds like a huge move to me, in the USA.
Pea says
I am in the same boat as you at this time (moving to a completely new city) and it is SO true that even a tiny step is better than standing still.
Dolly Ragust says
I believe that this article came to me today intended. As I really needed this insight badly today.
I’m very down in the dumps and feeling badly.
As an 81 year old I am seeing many friends leaving. Some through death; some through relocation, some going to assisted living, some through sickness.
It’s a hard thing to lose these friends that has been important to your life.
I became very lonely and depressed and had no energy left inside me.
But I have always been a dreamer and fighter.
So I pushed myself to go to the library and see if I could find some activities.
I did find a Seniors group. The people were very nice. I signed up for a day trip and met two nice ladies and we exchanged telephone numbers.
I left there with hope in my heart and feeling so much better.
It was hard taking that first step and putting myself out there. I am proud that I did it. I am feeling renewed and looking forward to making some new friends and not being so sad and lonely anymore.
One step at a time!
Thank you for such inspiration!
Alice says
Good for you for trying new things and meeting new people! My mother-in-law who I loved dearly used to talk about how hard it was as she got older to lose lifelong friends as they passed away. She did make new friends in her Assisted Living which I think helped. Good luck to you moving forward and enjoying your life with new activities and new people.
Jody says
Thank You!!!
Susan K says
Hi Dolly, You inspired me today to take some small steps, too, to keep visiting my Mom. She is 93, and in the hospital, and all is out of my control. I just pray she comes out okay, and have to remember that it’s out of my control. I can visit, so that’s what I can do.
Gina says
This is one of the best articles I’ve read from you recently, Marc and Angel. Recognizing the things I cannot control and letting ‘go’ as best I can. Caregiving for both of my Parents, whom I adore (Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother) and their eventual deaths has been overwhelming in every way. But I have faith. God has never let me down. Including giving you the inspiration for this essay and making the essay available to me just when I need it. Grateful.
Randy Grady says
I received a framed picture with the Serenity Prayer on it around 1995. I managed a work operation that was very chaotic for the next 30 years. I hung the prayer near my closet door so I saw it every morning before going to work. It gave me a perspective that changed the way I handled the chaos from that time on. Serenity, Courage and Wisdom. After reading your article… I believe your full explanation of the prayer makes sense how I could read the prayer and easily perform my job!!
Kimberly Richmond says
Marc and Angel, I don’t know if you will read or see this message, but I NEEDED to read these words today. I have been on a hamster wheel at work, pulling 14+ hours days, non stop travel and going and going and going. I don’t know how to say “no”, but my body has finally FORCED me to slow down. I’ve been extremely ill for three weeks now which has forced me to take time of work and I believe this was a blessing in disguise. I’m viewing this as an opportunity to re evaluate my work/life balance (I currently have none.) It’s been MAGICAL not opening up a laptop, being on a plane or in a million meetings a day. I am taking care of me and am going to make some changes.I think I needed to read this to give me the courage to know it will be okay. I truly appreciate you guys and your work on this site.
Nancy says
Ha! Funny yet not funny how the perfect message arrives at the perfect time. I was struggling yesterday and decided to do two things:
Accept my icky feelings as being okay, just feel what I’m feeling.
Focus as often as I remembered on the beauty in the present moment.
The day ended well.
Today I read your post, see exactly this message, and feel proud of me for using the situation as an opportunity. Life is OK.
Tom Franco says
I’m in a very dark place right now. There are many things out of my control that are affecting my wife and me. Your advice makes so much sense. She and I need to stop trying to change what we can’t and take those tiny steps where we can. We may not be able to change somethings but we can control how we respond to it. Thank you for the essay today.
Bailey Whitney says
Oh my, just like the “1000+ Things Happy Successful People Do” book, this was just what I needed to read today. And just like the book, every morning your emails seem to just open to what I need at that moment. Thank you so much for the email linking to this post today. I have been struggling a little lately and know that I can make small one degree changes and this reminded me of that.
Thanks
B
Monty says
THANK YOU, Angel! You’ve added another great credo to my daily recitations: “Significant progress comes gradually with time and consistency. It’s all about taking one tiny positive step at a time, and staying the course.”
I relate to MaryAnn, one of the commenters above. I cherish my livelihood as a music services provider and instructor, but I LONG to also finally bring to reality a self-publishing endeavor for growing musicians. Tight schedule, tight pocket & tight expectations make it feel daunting, but you & Marc have helped me to see that conscious choice of faith and small, effective little steps can TURN THAT AROUND! Thanks again!
James Moriasi Ongati says
Thanks for the reminder about what I can change and what I may not change. Having been a subscriber for more than three years, the concept of external circumstances we have little control over is now almost grasped. However once in a while it’s not uncommon to find myself steeped in worrying about how things should be, largely due to societal demands. I have jerk myself out of that at times, by reminding myself that each person have their path, not to compare myself to peers, siblings and so forth. This reminder will definitely help me to steer my progress towards the correct direction, one step at a time. Kudos for the great encouragement.
Janet says
Hi Marc and Angel,
I’m a “newbie” here as I subscribed about a week ago. It’s wonderful that you can share your ideas, including your personal struggles, and publish your words to help others!
Thanks for sharing your gifts of wisdom and insight in an easy to read, succinct and comprehendible manner. I imagine your families and friends feel blessed to have you close in their lives. You must be great to have at a party!
Please keep up the good work inspiring us!
Heidi says
I really like the “one degree of change” metaphor. I’ve known intellectually this is true, but I get seduced by our society’s attention to the big splashy effort/event that changes everything and then become too overwhelmed to actually start anything because I can’t instantly produce fabulous flashy results. The analogy of what happens when you consistently make a tiny change is something I can visualize and use for inspiration. Thank you!
David says
“The tiniest and most fundamental things we do each day — positive and negative alike — can make all the difference. They either bring us closer or farther away from where we ultimately want to be.”
So true. You’ve often mention this positive attitude, and it’s proven true. It’s a matter of taking one step at a time diligently, and keeping that vision and goal clearly in mind, which I’m inclined to do. Hugs to you both.
Meljie Sonie says
Thank you.
Jamie says
I said to myself this morning after an awful morning with my husband who has dementia. I said…just handle this different one time and set a new pattern…next time it will be a bit better because I will have a new way to deal with the potty issues that are so draining and well…gross. I can not control what is happening but I could control my reaction to what’s happening. Im gonna clean it up either way so why not just keep my mouth shut and thoughts to myself and make that little change in attitude. Then after cleaning everything up and laundry in the wash I read your post…just one degree of change can correct this course I let myself go too when this happens. It’s gonna happen again I will be given the opportunity to step up to the challenge.. JUST ONE DEGREE to correct course. I like that way of looking at it. I accept the challenge! Thank you for your post it was exactly what I needed to help me get a better handle on my life. Funny isn’t it…I read all the other replies. We are all the same just different issues to face. Words matter…thank you for yours.
Mike says
My wife and I have no family that could help us if we get sick. We are 75 years old and are moving to a very nice retirement community nearby. We’re fine now and will be living there independently in a modest cottage. But as things inevitably change we will have resources and options to help us with our care. We have been planning this for 3 years and moving forward a bit at a time. It has been daunting but ultimately reassuring. Thank you for putting this in such clear perspective as usual.
Shankia Neko Brooks says
I was married once and divorced. I have made so many steps towards making my life right. This is my 3rd year in college. I am determined to get my doctorates degree in biomedical engineer technology w/ pre-med. I am a single parent of a set of twins. They are now 3 years old. I am so hurt. It seems like all hope is gone.
I speak to myself, if I can just finish this semester strong, maintain a 4.0 G.P.A., focus on my overall good health, I will be able to provide a bright future for my beautiful children. I feel so stuck right now. I have much room to grow when it comes to self- care. I can do so much better in these areas of my life.
Now, I will go ahead and give myself some credit. I will start working on my business and book, but most importantly, my self care. I just needed a little nudge to move forward. What would I do without Marc & Angel?
Thank you so for sharing this essay.