Oftentimes you don’t even realize you’re blocking your own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.
It’s always necessary to accept when some part of your life has reached its inevitable end. Closing the door, completing the chapter, turning the page, etc. It doesn’t matter what you title it; what matters is that you find the strength to leave in the past those former parts of your life that are over, and those little ideals in your mind that simply aren’t meant to be.
Over the past 15 years, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the most common cause of human frustration on an average day is our stubborn propensity to hold on to things long after it’s time to let go. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.
So let’s take a look at some things we ultimately regret holding on to in life…
1. The way things “should be” today.
Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
2. The way things used to be.
You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, again, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.
Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.
4. That subtle desire to change the unchangeable.
Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
5. The fantasy of a perfect path (or perfect time to begin).
Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.
6. The need for constant comfort and familiarity.
Everything gets a bit uncomfortable when it’s time for a change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, step by step. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced in the long run. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.
7. Relationships that always make you feel less like yourself.
Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself, you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And remember that in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be. (Note: Angel and I discuss strategies for living true to these words in the Relationships chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. Those old chapters that are still lingering half-open.
You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really…you loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a wise person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page.
An exercise for letting go and letting things breathe…
In each of the aforementioned points above, the mind holds on tight to something — an ideal — that isn’t real. And after awhile the inevitable happens: unnecessary stress ensues.
So how can we stop holding on so tight?
There are many ways, but right now let’s begin by letting everything breathe…
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are… so you can be on your way. This is the foundation of what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to let go and let things breathe, so you can open yourself up to the next real and present chapter of your life. But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Jo says
“…it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.” I needed to hear that at this exact stage of my life. Thank you.
Sara says
Same here … this whole article resonated with me 100%, but especially that statement.
Thank you, Marc and Angel!
Karen says
Oh my gawd yes! Me too! Today I felt that deep down. Thank you!
Ayanda says
May I take this opportunity by thanking the both of you wonderful guy’s I believe it takes steps of faith by believing one will indeed pass this chapter’s i I’m in a process of change right now change on how i see things and people i believe I will grow in portion of letting of things i had been holding on tight to and are just bringing me pain i thank you so very much for words of encouragement you are always giving to people like us. Blessings.
Nancy says
Good one for me. I need to let go of some less important obligations…to take time to love my husband and not take him for granted in his 70th year. I need to take time and let loose and have a little more fun today and in the near future.
Evelyn says
So many points are useful, I can’t pick just one. You always write it in a way that is clear and motivating. Yet I personally still procrastinate on a lot of things. I need to keep rereading your posts. As it gives me the seeds to change. And bit by bit I’m able to start to transform how I see things. And lift myself to the Beauty and Peace that can be in my Life if I stop resisting what is.
Alfredo says
Well said. Very good to hear I’m not the only one thinking this.
Christian Mai Rodrigues says
That’s exactly what I intended to say.
Christina says
Amazing – so insightful and yet simple to practice! Why then don’t we remember to do it on a daily basis – I will do better.
Thank you also for the reminder that we do bring in peace by simply letting go and so helpful to remember after losing my darling husband a little over a year ago. This new life’s chapter is to let go and enjoy while being grateful for the love and life that God gives me.
Thank you again.
Monique says
Just today I had another tough conversation with an old friend I feel sad about because our lives are so different than when we met. I try to understand her better so we can find new ways to relate. The tug between trying to grow into a new level of relating through heartfelt empathy and letting go is fierce! I am 81 and have lost so many others to death that I fear another great loss. This essay helped ground me a bit I think.
Cheri Lind says
Thank you for this article. #8 resonated with me the most. The hardest lesson for me this past year or so was after retiring, thinking my relationships would co-workers and those I supported would still be the same…they were not. What I had to learn for myself was that I had changed, those relationships no longer fed my needs and I needed to open a new door. I look forward to your new articles whenever they arrive.
Maryann says
“When I’m no longer able to change a situation, I am challenged to change myself-to grow beyond the unchangeable”. A powerful reminder to continue moving forward despite the fact that my only adult child has died. My life will never be the same but I must take this pain and let it transform me… I no longer have him in my life, and that is unchangeable. I now must grow beyond the unchangeable. It’s a bittersweet pill I need to swallow.
INNOCENTIA says
Oh, dear Maryann, I share in your pain. I can relate with your situation. I also lost my Darling husband over 10yrs ago, but I am still here and doing well because I made a conscious decision not to allow the situation to define me.
Try to remain positive regardless and adopt the letting go process and everything will definitely be alright. Much love from here.
Bright says
I can feel your pain from afar Maryann, i believe you ‘d be fine…
I ll be here if you ever need a friend accross the border…
Hugs from Bright…..
Rebecca L Castile says
Thank you for this awesome essay about letting go! #7 and #8 touched my spirit! My favorite takeaways are:
It’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.
Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a wise person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page.
VERY POWERFUL!!
Terese Powell says
I deal with a lot of anxiety in the morning this definitely helps me!
Thank you so much
D says
Well having felt responsible for some of the pain and hurt feelings and letdowns of the past with people. It’s been a little difficult not to try to reconcile and show that I care. But as you mentioned here you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be and that this ending really is a new beginning. Well I take on that challenge today and forget those things that are behind and press forward to the things that are before. As you mentioned when you let everything and everyone breathe you just let them be exactly as they are you don’t need to control them worry about them or change them you just let them breathe in peace and you accept them as they are so that you can be on your way. The foundation of what letting goes all about. I’ll leave it at that. And thanks again for all your input it’s always a pleasure reading your essays and applying them to my life. Many hugs.
Jennifer Ivey says
“Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting.”
I really like what you said there. That makes so much sence but a lot of times that’s exactly what I do..wait for a path thinking it will be shown to me when the time is right. But the picture you brought to my mind with those words gave me a little wake up call and a little jolt of excitement. I can walk. I have every means available to do so. And even if it’s not the exact outcome of the path I may have been hoping for, at least I have made one and have moved forward towards something. Whatever it may be… Thank you for sharing this.
Denise murchison says
I really needed to hear that. It is very hard to close some doors especially relationships.
Cindy says
Thanks for this: when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
Someone in my circle is battling addiction and i al really trying to help but the last couple of months i realised that i cannot change the behavior the only thing i can do is be there for them when they need me and try to focus on my own life How hard is may be
Rachel says
Dear Marc & Angel,
I’m so grateful to have received this email today. It is very helpful and comforting during a the “in-between” time I find myself stuck and struggling with. One chapter has shut on its own yet I still cling to some remnants of that life. I have not yet figured out what to do next, but this article helps me to reframe how I am going through life at the moment and it gives me a light of hope for new beginnings and possibilities.
Thank you so much for all you do.
Love!
David says
“Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.” “There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it.”
Every new situation I find myself in as this new move, is always a challenge and a new start. I may not understand the depth of this essay at the moment, but I do see truth that I can relate to and apply to my situation right now in the 2 sentences above. Thanks, your essays are always a blessing. Hugs.
Bryan says
Beautifully written and absolutely correct. Easily the most wonderful thing I’ve read on this awful internet in a long time.