Don’t let toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and get them out of there.
Surviving the ups, downs, and lightning storms of other people’s moodiness can be quite a challenge. It’s important, though, to remember that some moody people may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their moodiness and negativity, you may still need to protect yourself from their behavior at times).
But there’s another type of moody, negative behavior: that of the toxic bully, who will use his or her mood swings to intimidate and manipulate. It’s this aspect of moodiness that inflicts enduring abuse and misery. If you observe these people closely, you will often notice that their attitude is overly self-referential. Their relationships are prioritized according to how each one can be used to meet their selfish needs. This is the kind of toxic behavior I want to look at in this post.
I’m a firm believer that toxic mood swings (like classic chain letter emails) should not be inflicted on one person by another, under any circumstances. So how can you best manage the fallout from other people’s relentless toxicity?
1. Move on without them.
If you know someone who insists on destructively dictating the emotional atmosphere, then be clear: they are toxic. If you are suffering because of their attitude, and your compassion, patience, advice, and general attentiveness doesn’t seem to help them, and they don’t seem to care one bit, then ask yourself, “Do I need this person in my life?”
When you delete toxic people from your environment it becomes a lot easier to breathe. If the circumstances warrant it, leave these people behind and move on when you must. Seriously, be strong and know when enough is enough! Letting go of toxic people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm — it simply means you care about your own well-being.
A healthy relationship is reciprocal; it should be give and take, but not in the sense that you’re always giving and they’re always taking. If you must keep a truly toxic person in your life for whatever reason, then consider the remaining points below…
2. Stop pretending their toxic behavior is OK.
If you’re not careful, toxic people can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well, it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric. Don’t be fooled. Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this. Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing. Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior. Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued belligerence.
Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. If a relatively healthy person over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable adult on a regular basis, it’s time to…
3. Speak up!
Stand up for yourself. Some people will do anything for their own personal gain at the expense of others — cut in line, take money and property, bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc. Do not accept this behavior. Most of these people know they’re doing the wrong thing and will back down surprisingly quickly when confronted. In most social settings people tend to keep quiet until one person speaks up, so SPEAK UP!
Some toxic people may use anger as a way of influencing you, or they may not respond to you when you’re trying to communicate, or interrupt you and suddenly start speaking negatively about something dear to you. If ever you dare to speak up and respond adversely to their moody behavior, they may be surprised, or even outraged, that you’ve trespassed onto their behavioral territory. But you must speak up anyway.
Not mentioning someone’s toxic behavior can become the principal reason for being sucked into their mind games. Challenging this kind of behavior upfront, on the other hand, will sometimes get them to realize the negative impact of their behavior. For instance, you might say:
- “I’ve noticed you seem angry. Is something upsetting you?”
- “I think you look bored and annoyed. Do you think what I’m saying is unimportant?”
- “Your attitude is upsetting me right now. Is that what you want?”
Direct statements like these can be disarming if someone truly does use their moody attitude as a means of social manipulation, and these statements can also open a door of opportunity for you to try to help them if they are genuinely facing a serious problem.
Even if they say: “What do you mean?” and deny it, at least you’ve made them aware that their attitude has become a known issue to someone else, rather than just a personal tool they can use to manipulate others whenever they want.
And if they persist in denial, it might be time to…
4. Set boundaries and enforce them.
Your dignity may be attacked, ravaged and disgracefully mocked, but it can never be taken away unless you willingly surrender it. It’s all about finding the strength to defend your boundaries.
Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled. To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call truly toxic people (the worst of the worst) out when they’ve continuously insulted me. The best response I’ve received is a snarky, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.” Much more effective has been ending conversations quietly with just plain abruptness. The message is clear: There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end.
Truly toxic people will pollute everyone around them, including you if you allow them. If you’ve tried reasoning with them and they aren’t budging, don’t hesitate to enforce your boundaries, vacate their space, and ignore them until they have something reasonable and respectful to say.
5. Don’t take their toxic behavior personally.
It’s them, not you. KNOW this.
Toxic people will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong. And because the “feeling guilty” button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Don’t let this happen to you.
Remember, there’s a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. Even when the situation seems personal — even if you feel directly insulted — it usually has nothing to do with you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based almost entirely on their own self-reflection. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
6. Practice practical compassion when doing so makes sense.
As mentioned in the introduction, sometimes it makes sense to be sympathetic with toxic people whom you know are going through a difficult time, or those who are suffering from an illness. There’s no question about it, some toxic people are genuinely distressed, depressed, or even mentally and physically disabled, but you still need to separate their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. If you let people get away with ANYTHING because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, or depressed, even, then you are making it too tempting for them to start unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a means to an end.
A couple years ago, I volunteered at a psychiatric hospital for children. I mentored a boy there named Dennis, a diagnosed Bipolar disorder patient. Dennis was a handful sometimes, and would often shout obscenities at others when he experienced one of his episodes. But no one ever challenged his outbursts, and neither had I up to this point. After all, he’s clinically “disabled” and can’t help it, right?
One day I took Dennis to a local park to play catch. An hour into our little field trip, Dennis entered one of his episodes and began calling me profane names. But instead of ignoring his remarks, I said, “Stop bullying me and calling me names. I know you’re a nice person, and much better than that.” His jaw literally dropped. Dennis looked stunned, and then, in a matter of seconds, he collected himself and replied, “I’m sorry I was mean Mr. Marc.”
The lesson here is that you can’t “help” someone by making unwarranted pardons for everything they do simply because they have problems. There are plenty of people who are going through extreme hardships who are not toxic to everyone around them. We can only act with genuine compassion when we set boundaries. Making too many pardons and allowances is not healthy or practical for anyone in the long-term. (Read “Who’s Pulling Your Strings?”)
7. Take time for yourself.
If you are forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate. Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of toxic moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you. Again, understand that even people with legitimate problems and clinical illnesses can still comprehend that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to.
You deserve this time away. You deserve to let go and think peacefully, free from external pressure and toxic behavior — no problems to solve, boundaries to uphold, or personalities to please. Ultimately, the key is to refill your bucket on a regular basis. That means catching your breath, finding peaceful solitude, focusing your attention inward, and otherwise making time for recovery from the chaos and toxicity around you.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to take the next step with one of the aforementioned points. But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay and its ideas. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
What are your experiences with toxic people? What have you done to cope with their behavior?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week. And if you’re looking for a deeper dive specifically on the topic of dealing with toxic people, this book is an insightful read (but a bit outdated with it’s examples and stories).
Photo by: Monkeyc
Aleigna Tejada says
Thank you for this, Marc! The timing of when I read this post is so spot on. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with someone who’s been so toxic to me for the longest time (worse, she’s part of my immediate family) and this helped shed some light on what I need to do. I’ve been stressing over it for the past 3 days so reading this now helped me a lot. Thanks again! 🙂
NC Bonura says
Thank you for ALL of Your Wonderful Words of Wisdom. They ALL WAYS come at The Most Opportune Moments in My Life.
Susan Rae says
Your book has actually helped me eliminate a truly toxic relationship from my life in the past year. One of the points you and Angel make in your book is to evaluate your principles against the company you keep. Understand those principles and live them. In a natural fashion toxicity will gradually fade from your life and if your principles are true to you, the universe will shape positively around you.
I have found that this principle applies to both friendships and intimate relationships. I’d rather have fewer friends than have endless toxicity in my life.
Thank you as always.
Dev says
I love the balanced approach of putting your foot down with boundaries, but also practicing practical compassion. Like Susan, your book has helped me find this balance. I’ve since made it a point to surround myself with people who inspire me, and also work through some toxic issues with those people who I know are worth it.
Zalika says
My 76 years tells me that’s some good advice. I believe the people you hang out with can make or break you. I had read somewhere, that a person is always the summation of the five people he or she spends most time with, and I believe that to be true. My strategy of dealing with toxic people is to get away from them and focus least on them. You’ll soon attract the best people for you.
Freddie says
Thank you for this enlightening article. I’ve been dealing with someone whose behaviour could be considered toxic. He’s a young adult with high-functioning autism who still has severe tantrums and is extremely self-oriented. Although he’s trying desperately to figure out the world of social interaction the rest of us take for granted, he still can’t seem to put into action what he understands intellectually. This is enormously frustrating and results in his violent and abusive (sometimes physically abusive) outbursts.
I find myself dragged down into his dark world on a daily basis, often suffering physically from having to listen to the tales of his abuse towards his immediate family and others. I now wonder if I have actually been enabling his effect on me by not stopping it in its tracks. I thought I was being the shoulder he needed to cry on, at my own expense, when what I may have been doing was sanctioning this toxic behaviour by allowing it. Maybe I need to employ a bit of tough love to help both of us have a more normal relationship. And, almost counter-intuitively, maybe help him find his way in our strange world of social interactions that he finds so hard to fathom.
Gary says
I was married to a toxic person. My wife was the perennial negative bully. Problem was, she was an expert at making you feel bad utilizing logic and reason. It was not a fair fight, she has a PhD and even used her credential against me when we disagreed on how to help our young son with his homework. We have since separated and the peace and calm in my life and this house is wonderful. Your words, Marc, are spot on. Distancing myself from this individual was the correct decision. She never listened, everything was about her, her ego was fragile, she felt threatened if you disagreed and made you feel stupid for disagreeing. I am free!
James watts says
The timing of this post is so relevant for me and has given me guidance in my time of need. I am living with a toxic person at university and all the points are extremely helpful. Thank you.
tara dillard says
Working in my garden, over a decade ago, a pure unbidden thought arrived. “You decide which plants to put in your garden, choose which people to put in your life.”
Eject button, almost the same instant.
Some family members were included.
Still feels good, this many years later. I love, adore, appreciate who is in my life now.
Garden & Be Well, XO Tara
Amandah says
Great post!
If I wrote about my experiences with toxic people, this would be a 2,000 word comment. 🙂
Anyway…
I’ve learned that it’s not about me; it’s about them and what is happening in their life. Just because I’ve worked on myself and continue to work on myself, doesn’t mean others are ready to face the fact that they’re responsible for their lives. I send toxic people lots of love and positive vibes and send them on their merry way. 🙂
Grace says
My mother is this toxic person. I am 37, and it wasn’t until I was 34 that I finally came to the realization that the problem was her and not me. For 34 years, all her insecurities were thrust upon me and were made to be my insecurities. She has said things that no person should ever say to another, especially a mother to her daughter. And any time I tried to speak up I was reminded that I needed to “listen to your mother” and to “always honor your mother”. I spent the first 34 years of my life believing everything she told me. One day a few years ago, I had reached my breaking point and for the first time ever, I stood up to her and for myself. We didn’t speak for months, and even to this day I’m convinced that she still doesn’t understand what happened… From that day on, I set boundaries that she’s no longer allowed to cross. I’ve come a long way with her, but more importantly with myself. I know I have a long way to go, but at least now I have an understanding that the issues she has are hers, not mine, no matter what she says. It’s difficult when the most toxic person in your life is your own mother, and I’ve tried offering words of encouragement and advice when it’s asked for, but she would rather be miserable. She chooses her behavior because people still enable her and cater to her as outlined in #2 above, but I no longer take part in that. While I can’t change what happened the first 34 years of my life, I can choose to learn from it.
As always, thank you for this post, Marc and Angel. Your words help more than you can ever, ever know.
Cody Wheeler says
I’ve unfortunately had to do this with a few people in my life after these toxic people simply refused to ‘grow up’ and became pretty negative influences in my life. It was hard to do, but I can honestly say I’m better because of it, and I truly do feel for these people.
Marion says
Informative article and great advice. I understand my background and childhood environment that helped me select bullies in my life. Wanting to be accepted and loved, I tolerated abuse from my ex husbands. I walked away from those men and never looked back. It helped my self esteem and I selected someone much more compatible to me, loving and kinder. However, after 20 years of marriage, he too became abusive. I left him and came back when he understood I would not sacrifice my well being for the problems he faced (health, income). We worked it out, and the outbursts are now infrequent (~twice a year). When he forgets, I use the “you’re much better than this” line and he snaps out of it. He knows I will leave. After 30 years, he’s worth hanging in there for.
My nature is friendly and understanding. Bullies tend to use this type of person. I have learned to assert my needs so I am less vulnerable.
Each of us is different and so are the bullies and situations. We have to try different methods of getting through to them. Ultimately, moving on works best when all else fails.
Melissa Webster says
I had to distance myself from my family for years to really find myself and get strong enough to be around them without taking their toxic behavior personally and to make it clear there were boundaries they couldn’t cross, because I couldn’t just let them go and move on. But I did purge a lot of friends out of my life who dragged me back down and prevented me from growing or being myself.
I had to get in the mindset that I was only going to surround myself with people who lifted me up and encouraged and supported me. It hurt and it was hard and my circle of friends is really, really small now, but it’s made me a much stronger, happier person, and I’m a lot more selective about who I interact with.
Though some toxic people still manage to get past my guard. It took two different friends telling me I was being bullied and the other person was the negative one for me to actually see the last toxic relationship, and it took me months to realize there wasn’t something wrong with me.
So a good rule of thumb I actually wrote out and pinned to my eraser board to recognize toxic people whenever I find myself in this situation again is this:
1) If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells in every conversation, because you’re constantly worried about how this person is going to react to whatever you say, then they’re toxic.
2) If you find yourself apologizing on a regular basis over every conversation, while they apologize for nothing and show no mercy or forgiveness, then they’re toxic.
3) If almost every conversation goes in circles with nothing but drama over the most petty things, then they’re toxic.
4) If “the silent treatment” is a regular occurrence and your communication efforts are ignored, and then you’re blamed for the misunderstandings and communication issues, then they’re toxic.
5) If they consider it your responsibility to anticipate their reaction to whatever you say, and they expect you to anticipate whatever it is they’re in the mood to hear, and then blame you for not complying, they are toxic.
6) If they use “the silent treatment,” anger, criticism and being the “rational adult” for the purposes of controlling, manipulating and “changing” you into compliance, then they are toxic.
7) Emotional abuse that undermines your confidence and steals your mojo is always, always, always toxic. No exceptions and no excuses.
It’s definitely taught me to lose all tolerance for toxic people, and I’m better at walking away and moving on, but I’m still struggling with getting my confidence back and not blaming myself. And I’ve found it’s better to just distance yourself or walk away completely from these people. The last time I called someone out on their behavior, they proved me right by threatening me, and still blamed me for their behavior. People like this have control and power issues, and it’s not worth it.
Stella says
Great, timely article. Thank you!
I recently re-engaged in a toxic relationship because of a death in the family. This woman and I had been quite close in years past, but I had distanced myself a few years ago because I was a miserable, depressed person. In the interim, I had worked hard on my own issues to become healthy, happy, and actively engaged with family and friends and with life.
Within three months of having this woman back in my life, I am again neurotic, unhappy, constantly explaining myself to people and apologizing for the slightest imperfections in myself. I am finding fault with others and am focused on my disappointments in life. I have lost a significant amount of weight and can’t bring myself to think of eating regularly. I needed the reminder that this isn’t what friendship or love looks like.
I am truly sorry for her loss, but I have known for the last several days that it is time for me to distance myself again. The guilt I feel over “abandoning” this woman in her time of need has been overwhelming.
But enabling the destructive behaviors isn’t helping her. It isn’t helping me. It isn’t leaving the world a better place than I found it. With that peace of mind, I can let go again.
Lynda says
I am 56 years old, and had encountered many “toxic people” in my life. I have recently gone through a ending of a long term relationship, and the betrayal of two people I thought were my friends. It left me depressed, confused and extremely lonely, and it took the love of people in my life to pull me back from the edge. I am embarrassed to admit that I was in such a dark place. But, now I need to begin again. My problem is that I now realize I have never learned to establish boundaries in relationships.
I am a kind, loving, compassionate woman, and so I am an easy target for “toxic people”. How at 56 do I learn to establish boundaries, and enforce them? A part of me wants to never let a man get too close again. But, hiding from life isn’t the real me. I have just begun therapy, and hope that I can learn the tools that I have never learned. I have spent my whole life pleasing people.
Being the good daughter, the good sister, the good wife….and so on. There are times when I hate myself for accepting so little from people to whom I give so much.
I find your articles to be so timely, they arrive just when I seem to need them most. Thank you for the gift you constantly give to your readers.
JLS says
Great advice, thank-you. It’s difficult dealing with parents who are toxic – as their children we want to have happy healthy relationships with them and their grandchildren to have with them too, but sadly, the reality is this cannot always be possible. By choosing to distance myself from them I’m sometimes labelled by the rest of the family (who enable them) to be the one who upsets them by not giving in to their demands, which is completely not true. I simply want to live my life with peace and free of the unnecessary drama. It’s hard to sometimes not feel the guilt that the others are always trying to impose upon me. I suppose they’re possibly a bit jealous of my strength to be able to remove myself and refuse to put up with it, but it is also not always the easiest path to travel either.
bebe says
I am proud to be the black sheep in my family because we are the distractors who recognize what others do not, cannot or refuse to see. I am grateful for such a gift.
Bee says
Thank you for this timely post and also all the good responses from everyone. I have been involved with an unavailable person for the last 4 years in a mostly distance relationship – everything has always been on his terms, has caused a lot of hurt and has affected my already low self esteem. Last Xmas he dumped me by email as he had found someone else. I reacted very badly to this and became a very toxic person as I tried to hurt him back. I know this was from all the anger I had repressed and a number of other issues that were triggered by his neglect. But I still kept in touch with him (the new relationship did not last) and started seeing him again a few months ago – but only every 6-8 weeks in a neutral location.
I still have anger over what he did but realize I also have an addiction issue when it comes to him and need to accept some responsibility for what happened. I have just spent a week with him and felt it went OK but obviously he did not feel the same. He picks up on every little thing and uses it against me which I find very difficult. I also opened up on some personal issues with him and he also used this against me in the airport departure lounge. This was when I was saying that I was not prepared to hook up every few months unless he committed to making things more workable. From the way he spoke to me I realize I am just being used (even though he denies this) until the next one comes along. maybe he is even getting his own back on me. I was left crying in the departure lounge and on the trip back to where I am based. I have put my hand back into the fire too many times. I am sick of his destructive behavior. The day has come to leave him far behind and to deal with my loneliness more effectively.
Mary says
I’ve had a situation where I shared something personal with someone whom I hold high esteem for and this person keeps bringing it up at social gatherings in front of others. I love this person very much which makes belittlement even more sad.
I did invite my friend over and asked her if I had upset her in any way for her to bring up such a personal topic. Her response was flippant as if I was making a big deal out of it. I let it go but found that I am in control of the situations I place myself in. I’ve distanced myself and learned a valuable lesson, be very careful with personal information, not everyone who is nice to you is your friend.
Mel says
This toxic person is my older sister. I have spent thousands of dollars (to foolishly try to buy her happiness, love and approval) as well as decades to try to reach an even ground with her. Alas, just when you think everything is going fine, she’ll pull up a memory of decades ago — something she thought you did or said that hurt her — and the gauntlet has been laid before you to go on the defense. E-mail is her favorite tool to deliver punishment. I finally had to say “enough” last September, and we have not spoken since. I am truly sorry to say — my life has been FAR BETTER without her, and I am indeed much much happier every day. It has included avoiding her at family gatherings (meaning, my wife and I did not go) like TG, Christmas, our own Mother’s Birthday, etc. … but it is the only way I have been able to avoid having her pull me into another verbal altercation.
All of this is sad, yes, but true.
Lauren says
Thanks for a great article, and so many suggestions and also the honest, down to earth statements. You have really clarified the issues surrounding toxic friends/people. I had a toxic “friend”, who put me down in front of others, flaked out at the last minute, was a “no show’ at times with no apology, and no explanation, and other things also.
I tried to overlook these actions, to forgive her and to go on being her good friend; but eventually I had enough. I finally realized she would never change for the better, and I let her go. she kept trying to reach me , but I had had way more than enough. I guess she needed someone to put down, who knows.
I have felt so much lighter, and happier and so much more self confident since I let her go. What a relief.
Thank you again for such an honest, and very helpful article.
Steve R. says
Marc,
Great article and thank you, very much, for offering your informed perspective. You managed to summarize and encapsulate the challenges I’m having in my relationship. I have, for quite some time, indulged my spouse’s misbehavior because we have two wonderful children. While I’m not sure I could (or should) absent myself from the situation, I’m going to try your strategies for shutting down the negativity, criticism, thinly-veiled threats, barely concealed insults, and gut-wrenching passive aggressive behavior I’ve experienced for far too long.
Thanks again.
Oscar says
Fantastic article, spot on. I have someone in my friendship group who fits the description of a toxic person to the letter.
Constant snide comments to lower your confidence, then out of no where will act friendly.
Uses relationships with people for personal gain, and only interested in moving up the social ladder… a bit pathetic really.
bebe says
Thank you, yes timely indeed. I had “one of those” moms and nothing was good enough, and she was critical and demeaning. As a child, I told myself that it was easier for me to change than her, so put up with her cruel comments. It was painful and although I knew it was her, I ran into other persons who had that unhealed anger. Not that I was perfect, as in my younger years, I recognized my own judging people around me. I’ve always worked on myself because I am so curious about why we do what we do. I am now much more cautious when I see toxic personalities and am compassionate and kind, as I have learned that we are responsible for our own healing and not theirs. We cant do it for them.Trying to help someone who is not interested in changing but would rather be a victim is none of my business if they don’t want to be encouraged or supported. If they don’t know how to change and expect that the world has to change for them and make no effort to find out that there are better ways to live or they are not ready to be open, we cannot make them change. We just have to keep working on ourselves. I make better choices and notice much sooner when I’m being sucked in and trying to help someone who takes what they can and leaves me exhausted and on the verge of resentment when I’ve stepped into it. I value my peace and know that I deserve it. I disengage politely, and walk away, lesson and warning received. Our thoughts create our lives.
bebe says
And by our own healing, since we are all interconnected by energy, we become the catalyst for others to heal too.
David says
I’m grateful not to have any toxic people in my life right now. The boldness to confront people like that is a very good point if I’m ever in that kind of a situation. Thanks & hugs.