You think 60,000 thoughts a day. Don’t waste 59,000 of them on negative, unproductive thinking.
A person does not have to be behind bars to be a prisoner. People can be prisoners of their own concepts, choices, and ideas. This is how countless intelligent people waste the majority of their lives. It’s sad, but true.
As life coaches, Marc and I speak with these people every day, and every day the same thinking traps reveal themselves. When we bring these thinking traps to the attention of our clients, most of them can’t see their faults, at least not initially. Because it’s hard to admit that the way you’ve been doing things for the past decade or more has been holding you back.
So that’s what I want to discuss with you today — nine of the most common (and heartbreaking) signs that you’re wasting away with a mindset that’s keeping you trapped, and some tips to help you take a step forward.
Even if you are generally comfortable with your present life, take a look at the list below. As I’ve said, many of the people we’ve worked with over the years, who came to us because they felt stuck, initially refused to admit that they carried these beliefs and behaviors, even when the evidence stacked against them was undeniable. It’s worth taking a few minutes to see if any of these points are holding you back from your full potential.
1. You’ve been wasting time believing you aren’t good enough yet.
Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible down the road. From now on, you’re going to bring attention to and challenge those limiting beliefs that keep you stuck and running in place…
A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it’s an idea that holds the mind. Know this! There will NEVER be a perfect time to pursue your dreams and goals. You will never feel 100% ready, because you will never be 100% complete. You’re a human being that learns, grows, and changes every day. You just have to find faith in yourself right now. Faith means living with uncertainty, feeling your way through life, and letting your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark.
So what if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough, you are enough, and that you’ve come far enough to be worthy? What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough, wise enough, kind enough, and loved enough to move forward? What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to believe that you did a pretty good job? And what if tomorrow morning, you choose to believe it all over again?
2. You’ve been busy trying to satisfy everyone else’s expectations.
Way too many people are living a life that’s not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them — they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them… to what their friends, their enemies, their teachers, their employer, and the media thinks is best for them. They ignore their inner voice and intuition. They are so busy pleasing everyone else and living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need… and eventually they pretty much forget about themselves altogether.
Remember, you have ONE life — this one right now. You must live it, own it, and do your best to NOT let other people’s opinions distract you from YOUR truth. (Read “Choose Yourself!”)
3. You catch yourself complaining about things constantly.
Your constant need to complain about those many, many, many things — those people, situations, events, etc. — is doing nothing but making you unhappy and keeping you stuck.
Remember, nobody else can hold you down for very long; no situation can continuously make you miserable and unproductive unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers your default daily response, it’s how you choose to look at it all. This may be hard to accept, but it’s the truth. Your life on the average day is as YOU see it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking (and positive action)!
4. You have a habit of blaming everyone else.
Give up on that habitual pattern of blaming others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your power away and start taking responsibility for your life. I may sound like a broken record right now but…
Either you own your problems, or they will own you! Period.
5. You’ve been more focused on not failing than actually succeeding.
You are comfortable with mediocrity — you choose not to try. Because it’s safer. Because it’s easier to talk about learning that new skill rather than actually learning it. Because you think everything is too hard or too complicated, so you will just “sit this one out,” or maybe you’ll “do it someday.” Because you hate your job but won’t apply for a new one… because it’s easier to reject the possibility of rejection.
Snap out of it!
While you’re sitting around failing to try, you really need to be out there trying to fail, challenging yourself, learning new things and failing forward as fast as possible. Your desire to succeed must overpower your fear of failure. Because if you are too afraid of failure today, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful in the long run. (Read “The Up Side of Down”.)
6. You’re stuck on wanting to be right.
There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong, wanting to always be right, even at the risk of ending good relationships or causing needless stress and pain in our personal and professional lives. And it’s just not worth it. Whenever you catch yourself diving deeper into an argument over who’s right and who’s wrong, ask yourself these questions:
- “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?”
- “What difference will it make in the long run?”
- “Is ego the real problem right now?”
Bottom line: You are an ever-changing work in progress, and so is everyone else. You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong. Screwing up, for all of us, is part of the growth process. Being wrong and looking like a fool sometimes is a part of the path forward. So practice walking away from those arguments that just aren’t worth it.
7. You keep letting your fear decide your future.
Fear is a feeling, not a fact. It’s just an illusion that doesn’t exist — you created it. It’s in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place…
As Franklin D. Roosevelt so profoundly said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” So never let your fear decide your future. Let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions louder than your words. No risk, no reward. No pain, no gain. You’ve heard this before.
Human beings don’t become wise by reading books and thinking about things — they become educated. Living out experiences firsthand in the real world, one day at a time, is what gives birth to wisdom. Ultimately wisdom is what you get when you test out the waters for yourself. This kind of life experience is the most valuable asset you own.
And sometimes on the road to acquiring wisdom life will beat you down, but you have to stand back up. Because nothing is more sincere and powerful than a soul who has weathered and grown through life’s inevitable difficulties. In the end, it’s not what you have been through that matters; it’s how you got through it that defines your life and your legacy. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. You think the best is behind you.
You have to let the past GO! I know, I know… it’s not easy. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present, and the future looks so uncertain. But you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. And the past you are now longing for — the past that you are now dreaming about — was mostly ignored by you when it was the present. Don’t do this to yourself again. Don’t repeat the cycle…
Don’t waste your present with a past that has no future!
9. You’ve been actively resisting change.
As Oscar Wilde so profoundly said, “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
Living a positive and productive life hinges on your ability to accept the fact that everything is constantly moving forward, away from everything that previously existed. Not only do you have to emotionally detach from things, but you also have to willingly thrust yourself forward into the unknown. You have to open yourself to trying new things, especially those that you’ve previously never thought of doing, or had been too hesitant to attempt. This is how you open doors of opportunity for positive growth.
So many people live within the confines of unhappy situations and yet refuse to take the initiative to change their circumstances. They are conditioned to believe that the only choice is the current choice, because it’s the life they know. Their comfort zone blinds them from the truth — that nothing is more damaging to the human spirit than a mind that resists progress and change.
All of your personal growth and much of your joy in life will come from your encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater commitment than to embrace an endlessly changing horizon.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to make the best of what’s in front of you. And if you can relate to any of these points, remember that you are not alone. We all struggle with faulty mindsets sometimes. The key is awareness — recognizing these thinking traps and stopping them before they stop us. So I hope you will have an inspired day today, that you will dream boldly and dangerously, that you will make some progress that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.
And please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)
Photo by: Eliot
Dawn says
#3 My current supervisor loves to complain daily and I’m in the same office space with her. I’m trying to take baby steps to make sure I dont fall into that trap by looking at the positives in everything. I’m recently separated and I have found great strength from your blogs and book over the past 6 months. Thank you! It’s a long road ahead, but whenever I get overwhelmed I remind myself of a few things…I cant control others, only myself, and live in the present moment. Some days that is more difficult than others. Your blogs always bring me back to where I need to be…thanks again!
Dan says
Points 3, 4 and 9 are my areas for improvement! I am struggling through the aftermath of a messy breakup, and am really struggling to move on. I have always resisted change, trying to keep the past going (despite the realization that what was the past has already changed). And I realise I have been stuck in a rut blaming my ex-partner for making me feel so down, when it is my own thoughts about the situation that are bringing me down. Trying hard to focus on the positives! Your work helps so much!
Tyler says
Reading this article is something that I needed to read this morning. Currently I am trying to finish up my degree in school and it’s to the point in my college career, where I am constantly being tested on my knowledge. The subject is very challenging and I have been considering whether I should keep going.
Point #5 hit the nail right on the head for me. I have been afraid of failing so much that I am unable to start succeeding. My mind has done this to me whenever things get hard and it wants to give up, throw in the towel. I tend to over analyze and look at the big picture instead of breaking it down to its core where it’s not as scary.
I figure as long as I am consistently seeking improvement and learning to love failure, then I will be successful and win out my own worst enemy.
Thank you to Marc and Angel for this blog post!
DR says
Fear is an emotion, which means there is a thought preceding it. No matter how brief, there is a thought. Outside of physical danger, your thinking creates the fear. It’s the same with anxiety, confusion, etc. I do this all the time, and bi-polar folks like myself are particularly prone to it. If you do it over and over again, it becomes a belief. So I disagree with the difference between a thought and a belief.
But the theme of this post is taking a step forward. So what is the step we are talking about? Is it to recognize and change your thinking traps? Or is that a precursor to taking the next, unidentified, step?
I’d like to adjust the context of taking the a step forward into the unknown. Instead of thinking it as an overcoming fear process, look at it as exploring. If you were on vacation in Hawaii, would you stay in your hotel room for a week? Just go to the pool? NO! You would explore because its fun! So go have some fun and explore!
Kelly Almond says
I like that! I have forgotten how to be adventurous. As a kid I was forever exploring and trying new things. Now I’m older not so much, there arw some deep seated beliefs which I really need to let go of. Thank you
Dee says
You guys are hitting closer and closer to home with every post I read. Or maybe I’m moving “home”, closer to where it belongs. Either way, I’m appreciative.
Harika says
Hi, I enjoy your posts, and think it offers great advice, so thank you very much! I have a few suggestions to make it even better, I believe it’d be better to summarize (with actual subheadings) to remind and wrap them up in the end and keep the posts a bit shorter (I know it is hard) and digestible for readers having less time to be able to read them all. Thanks a lot!
Marty says
Great post. I am the opposite of #4. I don’t blame others, I blame myself. I know this all relates back to #1….feeling as if you are not good enough. It is something I work on every single day. Most days I succeed at getting my thinking right. Some days, not so well.
@Harika from directly above – I disagree. Trying to keep all posts “short and sweet” just doesn’t always work. Frequently, the “point” of each item doesn’t necessarily hit me as something that applies to me. But in reading the examples and explanations, I find that a lot of the time, it DOES apply to me. And many times it will take all the “extra words” to get it to really sink in, at least for me. We all have limits on our time. I often have to just save these to read later, sometimes days later. For me, they are important enough to read that I will make time.
Beth Chandler says
I totally agree with the remarks about not shortening the articles. I make time.
Steve says
This is another great and poignant list of ways of thinking and being.
For me, every time I read such a list, it further reinforces my new ways of thinking and being. This is the type of list I will print and refer to again and again. And underlying all of these lists, readings – my new ways of thinking and being – is my willingness and acceptance that I do need to have reinforcement to achieve my new ways of thinking and being, by reading such lists, and other aspirational writings. No one gets to a place where they’re ‘fixed’, I bet even Marc and Angel 🙂 But I can (and everyone who wants to can) put in place reminders of the way I want to be knowing that my new ways of thinking and being is a progression, a journey, that lasts the rest of my life. Once I realized this, I stopped discounting the moments and myself for the times I backslid into my old thoughts. I simply became better at catching myself, reframing my thoughts or actions, and re-continued again forward. Now, backsliding still happens, but less often, and for lesser amounts of time. I am happier with myself every day.
Colleen says
I am a recent widow… I’m caught in all of these, and I appreciate the sources of insight and self-reflection you have been providing for me in your articles and emails over the past several months.
Shella says
I, too, am guilty of allowing my life to be run by others as in actively seeking, lobbying for & waiting for approval to move forward with what I wanted to. Perhaps this is what happens to women who are raised to be submissive? Well, after 20+ years of not feeling good about how things had been going (including unfinished college, lagging career, hobbies, home improvements, and personal friendships), I chose a different path – one where I am self-empowered to pursue my interests without waiting for the “blessing” of my nearest and dearest. I no longer allow myself to be victimized by questioning statements like “Is what you want to do in the best interest of the family?” If it makes me a better, more fulfilled, more qualified person it is absolutely in the best interest of the family!
Captain Kirk says
Marc and Angel…
You are talented and gifted writers – and life coaches.
After reading this post, the most compelling truth is your BOTTOM LINE:
“All of your personal growth and much of your joy in life will come from your encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater commitment than to embrace an endlessly changing horizon.”
Eloquently described and applicable to all of us!
And in return for your affirmation, I offer one for you and your audience:
Live daringly, boldly, fearlessly, and embrace the challenges…so you may feel the exhilaration of VICTORY!
Thank you for stimulating our minds…and moving our hearts.
Kathryn Bryant says
Couldn’t have put it better myself! Great article and totally agree with it all. Too many of us live our lives according to other people’s expectations rather than what we actually want for ourselves, but we don’t even realise we’re doing it. It’s all about making the conscious decision to change things for ourselves starting with our thoughts and then our actions. and working through the fear. We have one life so let’s make the most of it.
Sherry Nist says
At 75 I agree. We all make a choice, every moment of each and every day. That choice is attitude towards our world and what is “happening” to us. That choice can be positive or negative; the outcome shall conversely follow. Only “we” control ourselves; life events and other people do NOT control us, UNLESS we choose to let them. When we truly realize this, we are free to live forward despite the often difficult choices we must make in removing toxic people and influences in our lives.
Becca Britten says
Sometimes we all get stuck. I’m 68 now and going through another tough patch with a family relationship. It’s in the moving forward that life seems to count the most. Even when it’s painful to realize we’ve had it backward for a long time. Thank you for posting yet another wonderful and deep piece.
Ramya says
Agreed, and also it doesn’t take a penny to be empathetic to everyone. Please try to understand about what others might be going through and help them as much as possible.
David says
“You have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. And the past… was mostly ignored by you when it was the present. Don’t do this to yourself again. Don’t repeat the cycle…” “All of your personal growth and much of your joy in life will come from your encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater commitment than to embrace an endlessly changing horizon.” Amazingly good insight, and something that I’ve incorporated into my life, thanks to you. Every day is getting better. Hugs.
Don’t waste your present with a past that has no future!
sally says
I recently had to sell my home of nearly 30 years and move. No job, no house. I felt, perhaps, no future either. However, after speaking to my counsellor, she pointed out that I did this by myself, which required great strength and determination. I had one really awful week prior to handing over the keys. But I kept going, because there really was no alternative.
I was shoved out of my comfort zone and I still have no idea where I am heading, but it really isn’t as scary as I first thought. This was meant to happen, even though I feel extremely sad about a lot, there are worse things that could have happened and I have been through and survived before, I’ll do it again.
I was just existing; now I need to live. Thank you Oscar Wilde!