“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
— Ann Landers
You are changing. The universe around you is changing. Just because something was right for you in the past doesn’t mean it still is. This could be a relationship, a job, a home, a habit, etc.
It happens to you slowly as you grow. You discover more about who you are and what you want out of life, and then you realize there are deliberate changes you need to make to keep up with the changes happening around you and within you. The lifestyle you’ve been living no longer fits. The specific people and routines you’ve known forever no longer align with your values. So you cherish all the memories, but find yourself letting go and moving on.
If you’re currently dealing with this process you may feel a bit uneasy about it, and that’s OK. This feeling is normal. I’ve been right there with you, pretty recently again too.
Reasons to Let Go and Move On
- Someone’s negativity is rubbing off on you. – You are the average of the people you spend the most time with. In other words, who you spend your time with has a great impact on the person you are and the person you become. If you are around cynical and negative people all the time, you will become cynical and negative too.
- You have grown apart from someone. – Sad but true, no matter what you do or how much you explain yourself, some people will gradually evolve away from your core values. As time goes on they will prove over and over again that they are committed to misunderstanding you and clashing with your needs.
- You are truly unhappy with your current circumstances. – It’s always better to be struggling at something you love than succeeding diligently at something you despise.
- Your goals and needs have changed. – What was right for you then is not necessarily right for you now. Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather realizing that you have changed, and then learning to start over with your new truth.
- Fear is holding you back. – Part of letting go and moving on is facing the fears and disappointments of the past that are binding your spirit.
- You catch yourself living in the past. – If all you do is attempt to relive something that has already happened, you’re missing out. The mental space you create by letting go of things that are already behind you gives you the ability to fill the space with something fresh and fun.
- An old grudge is still hurting you. – Holding on to the weight of anger, resentment and hatred will not only hold you back, but also block your present blessings and opportunities. You’ve just got to drop some things to move forward.
- You aren’t learning anything new. – Living is learning. All positive change is the end result of learning. If you aren’t learning, you’re simply dying slowly.
One Light Example of Letting Go
We had been friends since grade school — nearly 15 years at the time — when I finally told one of my childhood friends, “Enough is enough!” Although we had basically grown up together, we were now on different planets when it came to our goals and dreams. He believed there was one right way to do things — go to college, get a degree, get a job, and dedicate every waking moment of your life to it. I had other plans.
Although I did get my degree and a job after college, in our free time Angel and I started writing articles on the blog you’re reading now. As the blog’s reach grew, my friend discredited our success. Whenever I shared one of our small success stories, he would say something negative like, “Whatever. It’s just a blog. I have one too.”
When Angel and I quit our jobs to work on the blog full-time, my friend basically told me we’d fail. “That’s ridiculous! You two had a good jobs,” he said. “You’re just playing with fire in this economy if you ask me.” To which I replied, “I’m not asking you!”
That was the beginning of the end of our story as friends. Years later, our relationship is now a mere shadow of what it was and my life is honestly far brighter for it. Letting my friend go wasn’t easy, but it was necessary for my own well-being and growth.
One Heavy Example of Letting Go
Let’s take a moment to address an obvious elephant in the room — the fact that letting go infinitely easier said than done when tragedy strikes. For example, when someone you love passes away too soon, that’s undoubtedly one of the most difficult and heartbreaking endings to cope with. Although it takes a lot more time and work, the general principles for coping with this kind of tragic ending are applicable. Let’s visualize this together…
Imagine a person who gave meaning to your life is suddenly no longer in your life (at least not in the flesh), and you’re not the same person without them. You have to change who you are — you’re now a best friend who sits alone, a widow instead of a wife, a dad without a daughter, or a next-door neighbor to someone new. You want life to be the way it was, before death, but it never will be.
Angel and I have dealt with the loss of siblings and best friends to illness, so we know from experience that when you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open. And the bad news is you never completely get over the loss — you will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news.
You see, death is an ending, which is a necessary part of living. And endings are necessary for beauty too — otherwise it’s impossible to appreciate someone or something, because they are unlimited. Limits illuminate beauty, and death is the definitive limit — a reminder that you need to be aware of this beautiful person or situation, and appreciate this beautiful thing called life. Death is also a beginning, because while you’ve lost someone special, this ending, like every loss, is a moment of reinvention. Although deeply sad, their passing forces you to reinvent your life, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places. And finally, of course, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life, to be grateful for the priceless beauty they showed you, and to let go and begin again in their honor.
Ways to Practice Letting Go
Holding on is like believing that there’s only a past; letting go and moving on is knowing in your heart that there’s still a bright future ahead. Let’s take a look at eight ways to design the latter.
- Accept the truth and be thankful. – To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s changes, to trust your intuition, to learn as you go, to realize that every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward. (Note: This process is something Angel and I discuss in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
- Distance yourself for a while. – Sometimes you need to take several steps back in order to gain clarity on a situation. The best way to do this is to simply take a break and explore something else for a while. Why? So you can return to where you started and see things with a different perspective. And the people there may see you differently too. Returning where you started is entirely different than never leaving.
- Focus only on what can be changed. – Realize that not everything in life is meant to be modified or perfectly understood. Live, let go, learn what you can, and don’t waste energy worrying about the things you can’t change. Focus on what you can change, and if you can’t change something you really don’t like, change the way you think about it. Perhaps re-frame what you don’t like into a reason to focus more on something else you’d like create in your life.
- Claim ownership and control of your life. – No one else is responsible for you. You are in full control of your life so long as you claim it and own it. Through the grapevine, you may have learned that you should blame your parents, your teachers, your mentors, the education system, the government, etc., but never to blame yourself. Right? It’s not your fault… WRONG! Your life is your responsibility! If you want to change it, if you want to let go and move on with your life, you’re the only person who can make it happen starting now.
- Focus inward. – It’s important to make a difference in the world. Yes, it’s important to help people, but you have to start with yourself. If you’re looking outside yourself to find where you fit in or how you can create an impact, stop and look inside yourself instead. Review who you already are, the lifestyle you’re currently living, and what makes you feel alive. Then nurture these things and make positive adjustments until your current life can no longer contain them, forcing you to grow and move beyond your current circumstances.
- Change the people around you. – Some people come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without them. They are supposed to be part of your memory, not your destiny. The bottom line is that when you have to start compromising your happiness and your potential for the people around you, it’s time to change the people around you. It’s time to join local meet-ups, attend conferences, network online, and find a more supportive tribe.
- Take a chance. – When life sets you up with a challenge, there’s a reason for it; it’s meant to test your courage and willingness to make a change and take a chance on something new. There’s no point in continuously denying that things are different now, or being fearful of the next step. The challenge will not wait even if you hesitate. Life only moves in one direction — forward. This challenge is your chance to let go of the old and make way for the new. Your destiny awaits your decision. (Read “The Untethered Soul”.)
- Focus on today. – You can decide right now that negative experiences from your past will not dictate your present or predict your future. Figure out what the next positive step is, no matter how small, and take it. Ultimately, the only thing you can ever really do is to keep moving forward. Take that small leap without hesitation, without looking back. Simply focus on the six inches in front of you right now!
Above all, remember that a big part of practicing letting go is gradually renewing your own faith in yourself. This “renewed faith” means finding the willingness to live with uncertainty, to feel your way through each day, to let your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark. It’s about standing firmly on your own two legs in the present, without the crutches you’ve been holding on to, and gradually taking small steps forward.
You are strong enough to take those steps!
You’ve got this!
So what if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough and you are enough in each and every moment? What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough to move forward one step at a time? What if, for today, you choose to accept people exactly as they are, and life exactly as it is? What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to let go and celebrate your daily progress? And what if, tomorrow, you choose to do it all over again?
Practice making those choices…
Practice letting go and renewing the faith you once had in both yourself and the world around you, so you can move on.
Now it’s your turn!
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this article. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
What are you holding on to that’s holding you back? What’s the first step you need to take to let it go?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Jill says
Nice article. I am dealing with a sister who is angry and will not talk to me after a serious blowout between us years ago. I’ve done all I can to make amends for my half – and I absolutely know I am not responsible for more than that. Things have blown over to the point of her being willing to attend the same holiday gathering and maybe say hi begrudgingly; however, she makes it clear she is not going to open her heart to me or make any effort to repair the relationship. I have been tolerating this with the hope that time will somehow soften her heart; however, something has unexpectedly shifted in me after our family Christmas holiday. With an intense sense of grieve, I sense a clarity that things are not going to change, that she is not going to come around. As painful as that reality is, I also know that I did all I could to reconnect and I am no longer willing to be around someone who does not value my existence. I just won’t. I love my sister and would be open to her if she ever genuinely wanted to have a relationship with me again. Yet, I am not going to subject myself to what feels like hatred or abuse until then. There is no reason for me to do that to myself. It will not change anything. This article helps reinforce my decision to move on and take care of my own well-being. Thank you for the validation and encouragement! It is extremely helpful to know I am not alone in the pain of moving on.
Mai says
Thanks for all your words of encouragement. All that you say is true but yet soo hard to do. All that you say echo in my head over and over and how to let go and move one. They all hit me soo hard. That’s the question I ask myself everyday and yet have not found the answer. It’s hard when you have kids involved. But I believe that I need to search in me more deeper to find that answer but I just don’t know how long or when that will be. I just feel stuck and yet I don’t know if I’m rushing the process or not. Sigh…
Thank you!
Yamlaksira Begashaw says
This article made my day. I was crying when I was reading half of it. letting things go and looking within our selves is not an easy task but mandatory for a better present and future. I want to let go of everything that I am holding on which is causing me so much pain, I can’t even breath sometimes. I want to let go of the idea of seeing myself as a victim. I know that all the power in my life lies within me and that it is my decision to make today and tomorrow better for myself.
Thank you for sharing this words with us and showing us where to start.
Laura says
This is exactly what I needed in this part of my journey. Thank you
Regina says
I was so in love with a man and waited for him for 3 years to be with me as it was a long distance relationship but He was never ready . He finally chose his house over me. Even now, I can’t let him go. This is such a painful experience and your article has given me hope and the steps to let go.
Elisa says
I’m dealing with shame. And i am having a hard time forgiving myself. I believe i am having hard time letting go because the shame i have lived in has affected my daughter. I need help forgiving myself and moving on. This post gave me some hope today. Thanks.
Brianne says
Feeling lost but hopeful for the future.
I consistently feel like their is a dark cloud over me. Like I’m always playing catch-up and then something else knocks me back down. Or I keep waiting for my next life moment to happen and it doesn’t, meanwhile everyone around me is getting their moments; engagements, weddings, babies, buying a house, new cars, etc. I am happy for them, but I feel so jealous and sad on the inside. Like when is it my turn to be happy. And I realized the other day that I can’t wait for someone else or something to make me happy, it’s up to me to do that and be happy with where I am in life.
My expectations are so high for myself and for others, that I usually let myself down and feel so disappointed in others when they don’t live up to my expectations. I want to be happy. I don’t want to dwell on the negative things or the crappy people who continue to fuel my self sadness. I want to move on from those that have hurt me and learn to forgive even when I disagree.
Learning to live a more positive and forgiving life.
Mike says
This article was quite helpful for me this morning and so I will share my story in the hopes that even one person can relate; it helps to know that others go through similar struggles.
Eight months ago I ended my first committed relationship and this morning I struggled to get out of bed – I even called in sick. I was paralyzed by feelings of anger and sadness and could not stop the circular thoughts of “should I have done….what if…..maybe he will still…maybe we can still…” and so on – I’m sure you know what I mean.
And this is where reminding ourselves that acceptance is so critical to our well-being. When I allow myself to get caught up in these circular, repetitive thoughts I am not accepting the present moment as it is without judgement or criticism. It is when I am able to accept things (including accepting when I am feeling angry or sad or regretful) that I can begin to train myself to let go.
Thanks so much for sharing everyone!
Michelle says
This article is what I needed as I’m trying to decide to stay in my rut or to move and get a new job. I can’t seem to let go of my apartment because I’ve lived here 29 years. My mom passed away and I’ve been holding onto this place because it reminds me of her. But I’m holding myself back in doing that. You’ve opened my eyes and helped me see, it’s just stuff. Who knows, I may love my new town and job a lot. If I stay here unhappy, I’m missing out on it.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Williams says
I have been in denial for ten years thinking the father of my children will marry me and be a family together in the same house. For the past three years he haven’t taking me out, no birthday present, no holiday gift, ,and he want invited me to his home. Pain is killing me inside holding on to a man that don’t want my love. Thank you for helping me to realize I don’t have to depend on this person to live a better life. Time to move forward for ME!
Stephanie says
Thank you for your words. I am struggling with a husband who is nothing like he used to be. Married 21 years, 2 kids. He was amazing for so many years. The best dad, and husband, but for the last 5 has been emotionally abusive cheated, and frankly mean. He’s nice one week, then cruel the next. He has pulled me into a hole I find very hard to pull out of. Trying to live his new life with him to avoid conflict. Drinking, gambling, not being the mom I used to be. He doesn’t want change, but I desperately do. But at what cost? I have to let him go to move on, he doesn’t want to change. He was an awesome dad, but now is a horrible role model and a horrible husband spending many nights at the bar til the wee hours of the morning. I need to let go. It feels almost impossible, but your words tell me what I need to do. Thank you!!!!
Tania Lennartz says
I stumbled upon your blog when I was looking for inspiration on how to move forward from a friendship that fell apart. You see I have a friend that I’ve known since we were in kindergarten. The last 3 years we had reconnected and became extremely close, like family actually. My kids even came to know her as an Auntie. She has had a rough go of life in the last 3 years as well and over time has become increasingly angry and rage filled. A month and a half ago she had a breakdown, involving threatened self harm and a whole chaotic event of police involvement. Thus consequences arose threatening her career in law enforcement and the trickle down effect as such. In turn I put my life on hold for a month and did everything in my power everyday to help her. It was exhausting and scary but I did it and wanted her well again. Once settled back into her home I continued to help. Until one day her request for a renovation consisted of numerous angry outbursts as things didn’t go her way. I knew this to be apart of her personality but as of late it had been so much more elevated. It all came crashing down when a simple common mishap from my 3 and 5 year old (they tangled her cord on her blinds when left to their own devices on and off for the day of renos) resulted in her verbally attacking them and me and completely losing her composure. My mama bear came out, as I’m sure did the mounting exhaustion of my helping over the last month and a huge HUGE argument ensued. We haven’t spoken since. I’ve attempted once at conversation and was ignored. I am a nurturer, I like to have things nice and fixed and happy. I can’t fix this and it’s tearing me up. Reading your blog above makes so much sense. I just hope I can figure out how to apply it.
Cheers
Nisha says
This article is brilliant, but letting go is tough. I had been engaged with a guy and then he got married , we were on and off on talking but now suddenly we have interacted a lot and I have come to know that there were some reasons that he got married. Now he has shown interest in me, and as I am getting closer to him it’s hurting me. So finally I told him that we should not talk. But this has torn me apart as the idea of not being in touch with him leads me to depression. How do I let this feeling go in spite of knowing that there is no future? I’m struggling with this.
Misty says
I’m so glad I stumbled across this today. Reading the article was just as powerful as reading all the comments! Thank you to everyone for sharing part of your life. I truly have gained perspective. I’m blessed in life, and my focus on always wanting to be better & do better is making me focus on the negative (things I want to & am trying to improve). I need to approach things differently. I cant stand negative people & am realizing that on my quest for greatness I can tend to be that person. Thats a crappy realization, let me tell you! The bottom line is that I am incredibly blessed & need to be thankful for my life & look forward to what the future holds.
Jenny says
It’s been a long journey to this current place in my life where I am seeing with new clarity that the key to my happiness is living each day from my own truth. Overcoming years of being a people pleaser and giving up my own power has given me the insight that living your own truth really does set you free. BUT….my biggest challenge was overcoming the people in my life that wanted to pin me to my old ways and not let me forget my past. I still get very tired of going through this ritual in conversations of listening to them tell me how I was. I walk away carrying a very heavy layer of negative sludge. I wear it for a few days. I am aware of it but it takes time to work it off. Thanks Marc and Angel for this article. It brought me so much enlightenment and comfort in reconnecting with my present truth. I love your book. I keep it on my coffee table and reach for it daily. I appreciate your journey.
Linda says
Living in the past has been a struggle for me. I often think about past events and try to recreate them with the ending that I prefer, as opposed to accepting the past, learning from it and moving on from it. I appreciate the advice of #1: “…Accept the truth and be thankful. – To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow…” I have struggled with being thankful, especially for a painful experience. I am now learning to be able to look back on a painful experience and to learn the lessons for it, while being thankful for getting through it. I still struggle with being thankful for what I perceive are negative experiences. However, I find that you can learn from any and all experiences. Thanks.
Laurelee says
Each of us needs to take control of and responsibility for our own decisions. You cannot change a person but, at times, you can help them to grow. A book I read that helped me is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My perception of how love is communicated (can be through physical touch, affirming words, acts of service, gifts or quality time) is different from those around me. Knowing how I perceive love and how those around me are showing me their love has helped me to be more understanding. Sometimes those who are negative are trying to show their love but doing it in a fear based negative pattern. Been there, done that.
Love your neighbor as yourself. To me, this means before I could truly, unselfishly love anyone else I needed to love, honor, respect and forgive myself. As I changed, I attracted those type of people into my life, and you will too. I set boundaries as to what I will now accept. Thankfully I am not the same person I was when I was younger and can feel truly happy for others peoples successes instead of feeling diminished or threatened by it. I have been blessed that my husband of 28 years and my friends of a lifetime have given me the room to grow and change. It doesn’t mean it has always been easy but it has been worth it.
I want to add encouragement to all of you for having the courage to make changes in your life. It is much easier to sit back and wish for someone to rescue us than to realize it is up to us, and only us, to make decisions we need in our lives.
David says
The moral of the story.
“So what if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough and you are enough in each and every moment? What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough to move forward one step at a time? What if, for today, you choose to accept people exactly as they are, and life exactly as it is?… And what if, tomorrow, you choose to do it all over again?
Practice making those choices…
Practice letting go and renewing the faith you once had in both yourself and the world around you, so you can move on.”
I do feel a great measure of trust and I’m reminded of a very dangerous situation I was in when I was very young when all I could do was to trust and keep moving. Actually there were several times that come to mind, when although I didn’t know or understand how to rectify the situation, I just knew it would turn out right. That led to a peace like I have now. That I’m letting go in a spirit of trust, but I still have to keep moving… and that is what I’m doing on a daily basis. Trusting and obeying the best I can through it all. Hugs.
Melinda C. says
A very timely article — thank you. I’ve been struggling with an old but one-sided friendship that seems to have run its course now that I’ve matured. For years I was the one who provided the most support in this friendship, almost always being the one to reach out, listen deeply and help out when needed. I remembered birthdays with cards, lunches, and presents — even though my birthday was often overlooked. Likewise, my emotional struggles were never considered as important as my friend’s many “crises.” I also watched while this old friend treated their other friends with more respect than was given to me.
After so many years of this, I’ve started to see that I was being used and taken for granted. Most important of all, I realized that I deserve better and found a much more supportive group of friends. Friendship should be reciprocal, a street that goes both ways. If not, it might be time to let go.
Joanne Essen says
I have been married for nearly 30 years to a man that I don’t love, respect and most often, don’t even like. He does not know how to communicate, our attempts at talking turn into explosive arguments with him yelling at me and him saying disrespectful things. He stays with me because I’m his main financial support. He doesn’t take me anywhere, we never do anything together, he’s not supportive. I feel like he wants a mother, cook, maid instead of a life partner. We sleep in separate bedrooms. Whenever we discuss divorce, he tells me he we have to sell the house, he wants half, he wants half my pension, half my 401k, and half our savings. He doesn’t contribute to the household bills, I pay all the bills, he’s a handy man who loves sitting in front of the tv. I am the main bread winner. He is using me, he has been verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. He scares into staying by saying we will each end up renting a room and there will be no inheritance for the kids and grandkids. He manipulates, I should have left him 25 years ago.
Jen says
I am so sad. My best friend told me she doesn’t want to be around me because my “life is too perfect”. In the last year and a half, I have lost 40 pounds and have returned to school to get my master’s degree. My marriage is honestly fabulous, and I have great relationships with my kids. I am very fortunate not to have to work while I am in school. My friend has a loveless marriage and has a strained relationship with half of her kids. She is heavier than she would like to be and stuck in a very stressful, dead-end job. I have tried so hard to be there for her through the hard times. She remains willing to do nothing about her marriage and job situation, even though it is ruining her health. I have only suggested possible solutions but never forced anything on her, and I’ve tried to be supportive of her in whatever ways I can, even if it’s just listening. Now she doesn’t even want to talk to me. I’m trying to improve my own life, but I didn’t know that I would lose her in the process. I keep texting her to say I’m here whenever she is ready, but she never texts back. I miss her so much and I don’t know how to let go.