An acquaintance has a little something in common with you and merely enjoys your company for a short time. A fair-weather friend flatters you when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. A TRUE friend, on the other hand, has your very best interests in mind and would NEVER…
1. Criticize you for being flawed.
As flawed as you might be, as out of place as you sometimes feel, and as lacking as you think you are, you don’t have to hide all the imperfect pieces of yourself from a true friend. They see your flaws as features that make you interesting and beautiful. They celebrate your quirks.
The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. True friends love and appreciate each other just the way they are.
2. Walk away when times get tough.
True friendship and good character is all about how a person nurtures another person when they are vulnerable and can give very little in return. Thus, it’s not who’s standing beside you during good times, but the ones who stick by you through tough times that are your true friends.
So take note of who remains in your life when times get tough, especially the people who sacrifice the resources they have in their life to help you improve yours when you need it most. Seriously, when you come out the other side of a difficult period in your life, look around you. The people still standing beside you are your true friends.
3. Discourage you constantly.
Unfortunately, some people who seem like your friends will try to hold you back from your full potential. It may be difficult, but don’t let these toxic imposters bring you down. Don’t ever let your so-called friends turn your sky into a ceiling. Beware of friends who always try to belittle your ambitions. Small hearts and minds always do that. The greatest hearts and minds — the people you should spend time around — make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Remember, encouraging things happen when you distance yourself from discouraging people. Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.
4. Hold a grudge over your head.
Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be — that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved beyond them. They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past along until it catches up with you. Do not help them by acknowledging their begrudging behavior. Let go of their negativity, find peace, and liberate yourself!
A true friend never holds the unchangeable past against you; instead, they help your repair your present and future. If someone relentlessly judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to take matters into your own hands, and repair your present and future by leaving them behind.
5. Lie to you.
When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you begin to have a lot in common with this person… because you’re both lying and being unfriendly to YOU.
If you know someone who avoids the truth by telling you only what you want to hear, they do so for their own benefit, not yours! They are not a true friend and they don’t deserve to be treated as such.
6. Pretend like they have all the answers.
If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life — the ones who truly made a difference — you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones that tried to give you all the answers or solve all your problems. They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers, but stood beside you anyway.
Don’t look for a friend who will solve all your problems; look for one who will face them with you. (Read “Tuesdays with Morrie”.)
7. Take from you without giving back.
You deserve to be with friends who make you smile, friends who don’t take you for granted, friends who won’t leave you hanging. When you notice that a friend is always taking from you without giving back, you might need to distance yourself from them for a while. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand.
You should want to give, but you shouldn’t be forced to always give far more than you get. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, respect yourself enough to confront the situation. This doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with those who you feel are at fault, but you need to evaluate your friendships and realize where to draw the line when you give your time to certain people.
8. Bully you.
It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your friends. Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places. Be cognizant of how your friends treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw. When necessary, confront them or distance yourself from them — whatever it takes to give yourself some safe and healthy space.
Life’s too short to be hanging around people who try to control and manipulate you. Anyone who does so on a regular basis is not a true friend. Gain your independence by taking off the shackles and freeing yourself from these bullies. (Read “The Mastery of Love”.)
9. Make you feel like you’re burdening them.
True friendship is never burdened with empty promises and frustrating obligations. What true friends do for each other should be done because they care and because they want to do them. Period.
So don’t chase people. They don’t need to be chased. If someone is a true friend and wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever force yourself on someone who continuously overlooks your worth!
Afterthoughts on Taking Responsibility
The bottom line is that a true friend who understands your tears and troubles is far more valuable than a hundred friends who only show up for your smiles and joys. Because a true friend accepts who you truly are, and also helps you become who you are capable of being. And friendships like this require more than just finding the right person, they also require you to be the right person. When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down. True friendship is a sweet responsibility to be nurtured, not an opportunity to be exploited. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to take more responsibility in your friendships, and to look out for yourself! But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this list and its ideas. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
What would you add to the list? What’s one thing a true friend would never do you?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: JDConway
Vincent says
Ah, all the hard-hitting points. Also, a true friend would never stop trying to bring you back to a safe place. Sometimes I may be going through some rough patches and I’d want to close myself off. My true friends won’t disregard my pain and just give up after I try to push them away. They’ll give me some space, but subtly try to pick me back up.
Zikho Gcilitshana says
I am enlightened by these points will use them to evaluate my friendships.
Glen says
True friends would not:
-keep reminding you of your failures
-forget to five you credit when you succeed
-break their commitments
Sandra Hamlett says
A true friend does not abandon a friend in need even when that friend doesn’t know they’re in need. A true friend is loving and supportive and there for the long haul, not when it’s convenient.
Charlotte says
Marc and Angel, thank you for this! I just spent an evening (my last) with a person who has perfected items 3, 6, 8 and 9 from your list. I’ve sensed for a while that she really isn’t friend material but I thought to try one more time with her to see if her hostility, negativity and downer attitude towards me was temporary but now I see that is how she is and recognized how draining and damaging it is for me to spend time with her. I realized that I want a friend and she wants a kicking sack.
BRC says
#2 Walk away when times get tough.
I have been saying this for nearly a year…If you want to know who your true friends are, go through a crisis in your life!
I would also add – if they are a bad influence. I was drinking too much with a few women and now that I am limiting my time with them, I am feeling so much better and so much more productive. Drinking is something I know I need to watch, but I was actually pressured to party like I was 20. My mind is clearer now and my family appreciates it.
Dan says
I think it’s worth noting that humans make mistakes and that sometimes your “true friends” will actually slip up. It comes down to an in-the-moment choice about forgiveness. I see too many people throw away long-term friendships for minor slips.
That said, I totally agree with the overall concept of having high expectations of others and not compromising your values, ideals and self-respect for repeat offenders.
Barbara says
I think it is important to nurture friendships that energise you and don’t leave you drained. However I agree with Dan your friends are human too and sometimes they will slip up. Accepting that your friends aren’t going to be perfect is important too.
DR says
True friends would never:
1. Use your failings, shortcomings, or fears against you.
2. Allow someone to attack you without stepping up to your defense, even if you are not there in person.
3. Be afraid to say good-bye without saying I love you
4. List you as a “go to” person to care for their children in an emergency, even over your local family
KP says
Gosh, my husband does 1, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9 to me. Warning bells!!!
Jutta O'Brien says
KP, proud of you for seeing the signs! Your path of reconciliation will be difficult, but it will be a path you choose and you can adjust it as you get stronger and stronger. I found support groups and private counseling to be very helpful. Stay strong by surrounding yourself with good friends and try to reach out and help others. Always a good way to combat the old feeling sorry for yourself blues.
Linda says
This is so timely for me. I’m in the process of letting go of a friendship. Items #7 and 9 are the big reasons why I’m doing the right thing. It just hurts to let go and not feel like I failed in some way. I truly love this person and was the best friend I knew how to be, but sadly, the sentiment really wasn’t returned for a decade or more now. Seeing things laid out in this blog help me know I am not alone.
Beatrice says
For those of you that have mentioned your spouses do the things mentioned above… I am less than one year out of a marriage with a man who acted that way towards me. But I was emotionally terrified to leave him. I doubted myself to the point where I had no voice or self worth. I am still recovering from the years of his emotional mistreatment of me. But I will heal and you can too. Make the courageous step to end the toxic marriage. It can be done and recovery is slow, but forthcoming. No one deserves to be with someone who doubts ANY part of you. This blog has re-affirmed the inner voice inside of me. I know I’m going to be ok. And you will too. <3
Emma says
Reading this made me realize how precious true friends really are and makes me appreciate the few I do have even more!
Bill says
A true friend would not take over a month or more to return a phone call.
A true friend would not endlessly make excuses for years on end as to why they are too busy to visit you, especially when those excuses are crap.
A true friend would not completely abandon a 20+ year friendship once they got married.
Sadly this happened to me a couple years ago. And it still hurts.
Kim says
I’d add –
They don’t walk away when your life gets good. They celebrate your victories as much as they support your struggle. They can hold space for you in your good times too – even while they may desire the same for themselves. Instead of pulling away they lean in. And celebrate you and your journey!
Canaan says
Friendships take hard work, just like a marriage. And often old friendships become more fragile over time, rather than stronger. Don’t know why that is, but it’s true. I’ve lost too many good friends over the years over stupid one-time mistakes (both mine and theirs). I’ve also lost friends when one of us in the relationship has changed. Friends who share addictions (drinking, smoking, shopping) are particularly at risk when one in the friendship opts out of the behavior. Friendships are complex and old friendships often survive because there is distance between the parties – literally and figuratively. Familiarity often breeds contempt. That being said, good friends try not to hurt you, stay by your side when the going gets rough and hopefully forgive you if you screw up.
Donna says
I recently lost my husband suddenly about 18 months ago. I know now for sure who my true friends are…the ones that call (or email) at least once a week to see how I am. Then they listen. Those fair weather friends brought a meal and a hug the first week, and nothing ever afterwards. Sadly they live just around the block.
(My husband was my true best friend for over 40 years.)
Milly D says
Thank you for this… It has reinforced that I’m not the only person who thinks this way about friendship. I hold it as a sacred bond, and believe I am a true friend to the people in my life – I am SO sad to think the people I treat with respect and support and love, don’t do the same in return. My only “true friend”? My husband. Thank the God for me stumbling across him!! Much love to all. xx
David says
“Don’t look for a friend who will solve all your problems; look for one who will face them with you.” “Because a true friend accepts who you truly are, and also helps you become who you are capable of being. And friendships like this require more than just finding the right person, they also require you to be the right person. When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down. True friendship is a sweet responsibility to be nurtured.”
I believe a true friend will always be praying for your wellbeing and never forsake you in your time of need.
A very good essay on friendship and much appreciated. Hugs & a prayer.
Samantha says
What about the friend who insists certain topics like religion and politics are off limits or doesn’t want to hear your views because they don’t agree with hers. Or she is offended when you move something in your house that she arranged perfectly in her view. Or her world evolves around the hours her husband keeps so spontanaity is lacking and her eating habits are so strict that you can’t enjoy a standard meal out with her. Is this a friend? Should I accept everything about her when she doesn’t want to hear anything from me that just might expand or differ from her universe.