As human beings, we subconsciously tell ourselves stories pretty much every waking minute of our lives. And these stories don’t just change how we feel, they actually change what we see, what we experience, and what we know to be true. This is one of the primary reasons multiple people can go through the same experience but interpret it differently. Each of us may enter a shared experience with a different story echoing through our mind, and our unique story — our inner dialog — alters the way we feel. So each of us exits this shared experience with a different perspective on what just happened. And sometimes these differences literally make all the difference in the world.
If we want to get on the same page with each other, and garner a better understanding of reality, we have to do a little work…
Perspective is Everything
In a way, the stories we tell ourselves narrow our perspective. When we enter an experience with a story about how life is, that tends to be all we see. This phenomenon reminds me of an old parable in which a group of blind men touch an elephant for the very first time to learn what it’s like. Each one of them feels a different part of the elephant, but only that one part, such as the leg, trunk, side, or tusk. Then the men eagerly compare notes and quickly learn that they are in complete disagreement about what an elephant looks like.
Something similar happens through our wide-ranging, different past experiences. Some of us have been deeply heartbroken. Some of us have lost our parents, siblings, or children to accidents and illnesses. Some of us have dealt with infidelity. Some of us have been fired from jobs we relied on. Some of us have been discriminated against because of our gender or race. And when we enter a new experience that arouses prominent memories of our own painful story from the past, it shifts our perspective in the present — it narrows it.
When a negative past experience narrows our present perspective, it’s mostly just a defense mechanism. Every day of our lives we are presented with some level of uncertainty, and our innate human defense mechanisms don’t like this one bit. So our minds try to compensate by filling in the gaps of information with stories we already feel comfortable with. We end up subconsciously trying to make better sense of everything in the present by using old stories from past experiences as filler. And while this approach works sometimes, other times our old stories and past experiences are completely irrelevant to the present moment, so they end up hurting us far more than they help.
This is where a little reframing can work wonders.
Over the past 16 years, Angel and I have successfully guided hundreds of our coaching clients and course students through various reframing tools that have been proven to change our thoughts, broaden our perspectives, and shift our story lines in a positive direction. Doing so has helped these students feel better, think better, and gradually get their lives and relationships back on track. Today I want to take a brief look at one of these reframing tools with you…
“The story I’m telling myself…”
Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”
And while that question alone can help us reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase “The story I’m telling myself…” as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created more “aha moments” for our students in recent times. Here’s how it works…
“The story I’m telling myself…” can be applied to any difficult life situation, or any circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you.
For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you on their lunch break when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase:
“The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me simply because I’m not a high enough priority to them.”
Then ask yourself:
- Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?
Give yourself the space to think it all through carefully. Mull it over, mindfully.
On the average day, I bet your answer to question #1 is “no,” and your answer to #2 is “not very good.” And I hope question #3 gets you doing more of…
“I don’t know why they haven’t called yet, but maybe…”
- “…they’re extremely busy at work today and barely had a lunch break.”
- “…there was a misunderstanding and they were waiting for me to call them.”
- “…they forgot due to unforeseen distractions that popped up, but it’s nothing personal.”
Challenge Yourself to Think Differently
“The story I’m telling myself…” and the three related questions gives you a tool for revisiting and reframing the troubling or confusing situations that arise in your daily life. From there you can challenge the stories you’re subconsciously telling yourself and reality-check them with a more objective mindset, which ultimately allows you to make better decisions about everything.
Detach yourself from the stories you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself. Go deeper into reality. Don’t just look at the surface. Investigate and observe without presupposing. Change the way you see the world…
Who knows what you’ll see when you stop looking through a lens drastically narrowed by half-truths, and you start seeing things with a clearer mind. Maybe you’ll start seeing things you never saw before. Maybe you’ll start experiencing things you never experienced before. Maybe you’ll learn lots of new lessons you needed to learn. And maybe you’ll gradually become the person you always knew you could be.
We Make Our Own Life Stories
At the very least, I hope this post reminds you that positive thinking isn’t about expecting the best to happen every time – it’s about accepting what happens every time, being mindful, and making the very best of it.
The way you think about things makes all the difference!
So, I’ll leave you with this…
A puppy thinks: “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a warm, dry home, pet me and take good care of me…
… THEY MUST BE GODS!”
A kitten thinks: “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a warm, dry home, pet me and take good care of me…
… I MUST BE A GOD!”
Same situation, different thinking.
To a great extent, we make our own life stories by our thoughts. The reality we ultimately create is a process of our daily thinking. And when our daily thinking is right, our daily actions can’t be wrong in the long run. (Note: Angel and I help readers establish a daily habit of perspective change in “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to make your own life story today, with the right perspective!
But before you go we would love to hear from YOU.
Which part of this essay resonates with you the most today?
Please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive two new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Meg says
Marc and Angel, I actually attended your live Think Better event in Orlando a few years ago, and this post reminded of the self-inquiry reframing tools you introduced there. I’ve actually been applying self-inquiry on a regular basis and it’s really shifted my perspective in a positive way.
The story I kept telling myself is that I wasn’t good enough or educated enough to take the next step in various parts of my life. But with your guidance and the tools you provided me, I’ve been pushing past this story over the past few years and I’m seeing results. 🙂
Jay says
Wonderful! The simple phrase and questions you’ve provided will certainly change my thoughts and spare some unnecessary pain when my wife and I get caught up in future disagreements. Too often I take her bad moods personally. For example, if she pulls away from me, or if I feel like a kiss I gave her isn’t reciprocated, I tend to get upset. In the heat of the moment, the story I tell myself is that she’s doing this on purpose to me, when in fact she’s just dealing with her own issues–her own bad mood. And sometimes the reverse situation happens too–she takes my bad moods personally.
Anyway, I’m going to share this post with her, and hopefully we can work through your suggestions here together. This won’t be the first time either… We actually enrolled in your happiness course together last year, and implemented some of your suggested daily rituals into both our personal relationship and our side business we run together. And we’ve seen incredible progress on both fronts. We haven’t done any reframing exercises yet, but after reading this, I see incredible value in doing so.
Thanks, as always.
C Schwartz says
Couldn’t agree more….I might add that improving our ‘daily perspective’ can be as simple as changing and forming better daily habits…it’s easy to begin each day carrying over the negative thoughts from yesterday (whether it’s bitterness towards something that ‘happened to you’, the current political climate, or even your favorite team lost a tough game)…starting each day with positive habits can change your perspective…immediately upon rising each day I make an entry in my Gratitude Journal (‘what am I grateful for today’)…what a difference maker! I then look to read something inspiring (which today ended up being this post!)…the new day begins so differently with just a little adjustment in behavior…
Jody D says
Excellent essay and reminders here, M&A. I often have to remind myself that I could be operating on old or misguided assumptions. I put a note in my work-space that says “Have you visited your assumptions today?”
Sometimes we form an opinion about someone or some idea and then cling to it from then on. I’m amazed at the number of people who absolutely certain that their point of view is correct and refuse to consider new information.
Kim says
The timing of this was amazing. I know I have to be vigilant in the story I tell myself which are rarely true and cause me to take things personally when friends or family fall short of my expectations. The story I keep telling myself is that “I don’t matter” I am not appreciated or “they don’t care”. These aren’t based on the truth but on my own insecurities from a rough time in my childhood. To make things worse I often react instead of respond and the end result is I feel hurt and so does the person at the receiving end, all of which could have been avoided had I asked myself the question ” what story am I telling myself” Thank you for this wonderful tool.
Kris Morgan says
I think we’ve met. Somewhere, sometime, not sure when but i feel like some of the writings are just for me or about me. I used to be optimistic then i was married, beaten, broken and then divorced. I was a single mom and learned pretty quickly that I was the only person in my life that I can count on. The other thing I learned is to never get your hopes up because disappointment is devastating. Its better to not have expectations but if you do then expect the worse. Often your pleasantly surprised when it goes well.
I cant break this mindset. I dont know how snd everyone tells me I shouldnt be this way but no one tells me how to not be. They certainly dont try to change my mind either.
So i enjoy your writings. Thank you for the encouragement or glimpse of what could be.
Rex Obada says
Perspective is indeed everything.
Thanks a lot for these tools and reminders!
Your emails have become some of my favorite to read each week.
Tina Mathewson says
I have enjoyed your story today. I have some of the same thoughts and feelings of some of those people in above comments. Thank you 🙂
David says
A good essay and very factual. Usually I try to go by first impressions, but I have worked on reliving events and seeing it from a different perspective mainly how the other person might have seen it. It’s being a help in understanding things and focusing on forgiveness and my own betterment in dealing with future situations.
“To a great extent, … the reality we ultimately create is a process of our daily thinking. And when our daily thinking is right, our daily actions can’t be wrong in the long run.”
It may not make me perfect, but in the long run the power of positive thinking will help in decision-making. Hugs.
David says
I sent in my reply to this essay, but accidently hit the post comment button twice. I’m not sure if you received my reply, but I was emphasizing the power of positive thinking in daily decision-making. I hope this helps.
JAMES MORIASI says
Thanks once again for the reminder about stories I tell myself. It’s so applicable in almost every situation that I feel offended in relationships, whether it’s loved ones, work place or social settings. I need to reinforce change of perspective each time I think negatively. I think it’s related to the the ‘me’ mentality. I need to be on the lookout about the enemy that’s my subconscious! Thanks again. Keep up the reminders!