“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.”
—Thomas Jefferson
This short article was inspired by an email we received today from a reader of the blog:
Dear Marc and Angel,
In one of your articles last week you asked your readers to think about a weakness they’d like to change. Mine is telling lies. Although they’re usually just little lies, I’ve gotten carried away. I lie about things all the darn time mostly to just make myself appear better than I am… because I want to impress people. But it’s getting harder! I feel like every little lie leads to another one, and it’s wearing on me. I’m sick of my own dishonesty! Please help me break this habit. I need some motivation to make a change once and for all. Your thoughts on this topic would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
A Dishonest Reader
Our reply (an open reply to everyone who lies to impress people):
Dear Dishonest Reader,
It’s time for a quick story about life…
Once upon a time, an aging king knew the end of his life was nearing, and he decided it was time to designate a successor. Since he had sadly lost his wife and children in a terrible accident, he chose to pass the throne on to one lucky child. So he summoned children from every corner of his kingdom and asked them to visit the castle immediately.
When the children arrived, he gave each of them one little brown seed. “I want you to plant your seed, give it sunlight and water, and take good care of it,” he said. “In exactly six months from today, return to the castle with the plant you’ve grown. The child who grows the most beautiful plant will be mentored by me to become the next king or queen!”
One of the lucky children who received a seed that day was a young girl named Skye. She immediately ran home and carefully planted her seed in a pot of nutrient-rich soil, and then placed it on a well-lit windowsill. Every day Skye watered and cared for her seed. A few weeks later several other children in her school began bragging about their beautiful plants, but Skye’s pot was still empty. Despite her constant care, her seed hadn’t grown at all.
Six months passed by quickly, and it was time for all the children to return to the castle to show the king the plant they had grown. Skye didn’t want to go with her empty pot of soil, but her parents told her to be honest about her failure. Discouraged and dejected, Skye listened to her parents and returned to the castle. She stood quietly at the very back of the room where the king would be evaluating everyone’s plants, and waited to be judged.
As the king entered the room he looked amazed to see so many beautiful plants. He then proceeded to walk from child to child admiring what they had grown. And the closer the king got to Skye, the more her eyes welled up with tears.
The king eventually stood before her and her empty pot of soil. “What is your name?” the king asked.
“Skye,” she said with a whimper.
“Where is your plant, Skye?”
Hanging her head in humiliation, Skye took a deep breath and then looked up at the king and told the truth: “Your majesty, I planted the little brown seed you gave me in this pot, and I gave it plenty of sunshine and water every single day, but the seed did not grow at all. I have failed.”
Suddenly the king’s voice thundered throughout the room, “Behold! My successor! Your next queen! Her name is Skye!”
Silence and confusion swept over the room as the king continued, “Six months ago, I gave everyone here a boiled brown seed that could not grow into a plant. Only Skye had the heart and courage to share the truth with me today. Soon enough, she will lead our kingdom very well!”
REMEMBER:
As friends, as family members, as teammates… too often we feel the need to lie about our experiences and accomplishments, simply to make ourselves appear bigger and better than we are. We believe that if we constantly show off the “beautiful plants” we’ve grown, others will love and respect us. But this is far from the truth (no pun intended).
When we share our truths openly and honestly, not only do we build the kind of trust that opens doors to deeper relationships and real opportunities, but we also make it easier for the people we spend our lives with to be more open and honest with us, which makes every moment together healthier, more productive, and more peaceful.
Sincerely,
Marc and Angel
Your turn…
Please leave a comment below and let us know:
How do you find the strength to stand by the truth, even when doing so is difficult?
Anything else to share?
We would love to hear from YOU. 🙂
Sarah Lowre says
Yeah, like so many of us, I’ve lied to impress others a time or three in my life, and I’ve mostly learned my lesson. I couldn’t agree more with the moral of your story: Honesty pays the best dividends in the long run!
A quote on (not) lying that I use as a reminder:
“Love doesn’t hurt. Lying, cheating and screwing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts.” — Nothing could be closer to the truth!
Dupinder Johl says
I wish this was read by each elected and or appointed member of our Gov. I wish they have courage to be honest for making and leaving a better world for our kids and grandkids . And we will love and respect and support them in all honesty to take care of our country and us before taking care of themselves.
Amen!
Ardith says
wouldn’t it be wonderful for all politicians to be “honest” and work together to make this world a better place. Things have gotten beyond ridiculous.
Howard says
Dupinder, exactly. First thing I thought of reading this. All the lies and bs coming out of certain people we’re supposed to trust. How can our children learn to have honor and respect? And tell the darn truth!
Kristine says
As a Grandma I always try to make every visit with me magical. My granddaughter was four at the time. I jokingly said to her, if you press your grandpa’s back his wings will come out and he will fly. She paused for a moment and thought about it and said, “grandma, God doesn’t like it when we tell stories(lies).” My husband and I looked at each other and laughed. There was nothing else I could say. She was right, even though I was just playing around. Your name and integrity are important. I stand on my integrity. The word lie makes me cringe and I can’t hold the truth in, my conscious always win. I love seeing the gleam in children’s eyes when they learn the difference between the truth and a lie. What a wonderful story for me to share with my family.
Annette says
All I can say of that story is WOW! I have an ex friend who is somewhat of a pathological liar. Some call what she does an exaggeration. I call it as I see it. There’s a difference between a big fish story and a whale story. Seriously. She’s insecure when it comes down to it and feels the need to exaggerate every story she tells. I honestly never know what is the truth and what is made up.
I hate lying! Little white lies are one thing, constant lies for no good reason are another. I’m so glad I have a lot of integrity and though I can’t say I have never lied, I sure don’t use it as a means to hurt others. I generally do it to CMA or to spare a friends feelings.
I’m definitely sharing…great post!
jambi g says
This is a great post. Yes we lie… I think most of the people who do it don’t even realize it in themselves until it goes overboard.And this realisation is saddening especially to the ones who do not hurt others intentionally. Our friends who are overwhelmed and disgusted by their own lies, sharing it with trusted/honest friends who are not judgmental can be very helpful, though they are very rare. Also accepting this flaw and deciding to seek improvement.
Marrissa Evans says
Wonderful story, thank you! I find that my own lies are not to impress others but more to fit what is accepted in our culture like showing appreciation for an ugly gift or issues at work where one needs to “fit in”. I guess it is more to be accepted than to impress. But your overall point still rings very true to me, and I will keep this in mind the next time I catch myself trying “fit in” for the wrong reasons.
Mary J says
I live a lie, I’m holding a secret that no one knows about, concerning someone I love. It’s painful, but not mine to reveal, I wish I didn’t know what I know, I’ve been made into a “liar” by default.. Would appreciate any words of wisdom on this at some point.
Angelcat47 says
If it concerns someone’s welfare and happiness, perhaps you owe it to that person to tell them the truth, especially if you love that person. No matter how you received the knowledge, it is now yours. I’m sure it will be difficult to reveal your secret, but perhaps you might ask yourself these questions: Would I want to know this secret if I were the one involved? Would it change the way I operate in the world or with this person if I were the one receiving the knowledge? I wish you relief and peace from this situation.
Lei Lani says
This article resonates with me so well! My son is one who tells ‘stories’. I worry that he is starting to not be able to distinguish what his life was REALLY like from what he has told everyone his life was like. The sad truth is he comes by this honestly. I spent years telling people things about me, my past, everything, that simply were either not true, or not totally true. I figured out early (with the help of some great therapists) why I couldn’t face my truth, and gained a lot of my own self back in the succeeding decades. (thankfully, before I had my son!)
My own little piece of advice – learn to live with yourself, in your own head, and your own body. It is okay to be who you truly are – no matter how much you feel like you can’t be who you are. It is hard to look in the mirror and see who you really are. Forgive yourself. But only after you decide to be who you are. It will not matter what you told people in the past, even if you still deal with them on a daily basis. Each day, each moment, is another opportunity to be your true self. I was amazed how many people understood (or at least accepted) that what they thought they knew about me was not true, once I started being me.
Yes, I am flawed. Yes, I have problems that stem from a very strange upbringing. But I own the truth about myself now, and do not feel the need to embellish my story, because I want it to be MY story, and all of the weird, horrible, wonderful chapters that have passed make me who I am today. And I am comfortable in my own skin.
Beverly says
Interesting post. I don’t tell lies to make myself look better but I often omit the truth, which results in the same thing. I hide traits I don’t like about myself (secret binge eating comes to mind). For years I told lies as a default, thinking I was saving other’s feelings or keeping myself out of trouble. My brothers and I had to lie to our parents to stay out of trouble and it became a bad habit. Changing this is a work in progress and I’m getting there. Now for the binge eating…which is basically me lying to myself.
Howard says
A wise person once said, “Stick to the truth. It’s easier to remember.”
Heidi says
This was a very meaningful message for me. I have a close adult relative I love very much who has never been able to grasp the difference between what is true and what she decides is true. I think it’s based on a combination of narcissism and self doubt. Sadly, she fits that expression; “How do you know when so-and-so is lying? – their lips are moving…..”
I’ve learned not only from this person, but others, just how impossible it is to have a ‘real’ relationship with someone who lies all the time. And I have learned that the more one lies, the harder it gets to even recognize the truth any more. It’s a sad, vicious circle. I’ve had good counselling to learn to deal with this reality, and I have other relatives who do not seem to share the behavior.
Most importantly for me – I’ve learned to constantly work hard at walking an honest path in my own life.
Laurène says
Amazing story that I will discuss in class with my students (aged 11 to 16). Thank you so much Marc and Angel.
Honey says
Loved this story!
I somehow knew how it was gonna end before I read the ending ~ strange….
I used to be a habitual liar in my younger years. Not sure why it started, but at first it was just a few little white lies. Then the little white lies happened more frequently, then it turned into bigger lies & really there was no reasoning behind them. Then, the bigger lies started happening, then they came out more & more.
By that time, the little white lies just flew out of my mouth, about anything & everything. The bigger lies keep coming & coming & before I knew it I had told so many versions of one lie I didn’t have a clue which version I had told to whom. So I would stress myself out trying to remember who I told what to. When you tell a lie, you never quite remember it exactly the same as when you told it the first time. So the more you tell it, the more it changes & after a while you’re not even sure yourself what the truth originally was. It just gets worse & worse until your entire life ends up as one big lie.
I ended up giving myself anxiety from this & that flowed over into depression. I was compromising my mental health now ~ and for what…? So I could feel worse about myself & not even know the actual reason this all started…?
This was me….
One day I looked in the mirror & I realized I didn’t like who was looking back at me. I knew in my heart (no matter what I told myself) that No One could change that but Me.
So I told myself ~ from this day forward I will be honest with myself first & when I don’t know how to take the next honest step forward • stop • breathe • relax • look into my heart & let my instinct & faith be my guide. This was extremely hard for me but i did it! I knew that I would feel better about myself & it would make my life much more simpler, enriching & gratifying. It didn’t take long & I realized how much better I did feel on the inside, how much more I was smiling & it made me a happier person. I couldn’t get enough of it, I was amazed!
I felt a freedom like I had never really known before.
So, there is some truth in what they say about ‘one lie just leads to another & another & another.
It is a vicious cycle, but it Can be broken. And trust me when I say ‘Life is so much more rewarding when you don’t stress yourself out trying to remember & sort a bunch of lies you’ve got stored up in your head.’
So, free yourself & be yourself!
You’ll Thank yourself in the end!
Lavonda Howard says
I really loved the story of the king. I took it all in.
Kelly Hodges says
What an interesting, incredible post. I had always wanted to write a book and call it either 16 with a question mark, or Who am I Really…
It’s a habit to lie to impress other people. I was a runaway and pretty much grew up on the streets. You had to lie just to survive.
Fast forward… I was able to survive the streets not a lot of females did. To look at me today you would never have thought I came from the streets. I had to lie about my life to “fit” in the circle of “hoity-toitys” thinking that’s the life I wanted. (I got a taste of it)But lie after lie trying to impress these people was overwhelming,tiring and beyond stressful. Trying to remember the lies you’ve told to people when you see yourself in the mirror on the way out the door to meet up with them.
If my feet were brakes they would have been smokin. I stopped looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I had become.
A fake. Everything about me was fake. Some of these people were truly friends.
And I wasn’t.
So be true to yourself.
My grandmother always said, “Treat others the way you want to be treated” Truthful, respectful.
Thank you for this topic.
David says
“If thou canst to thine own self be true. Thou canst be false to no man.” The love of Christ constrains us to stand by the truths we receive. That’s how the early Christians died and also those who are still dying today, they know the truth and they stand by it and are willing to die for it.
I used to lie a lot, it was simply a way of life to escape problems that I didn’t want to face. Although different difficult situations still do arise, I try to keep things honest in the sight of all men. I believe we’re all men of like passions. To tell little lies isn’t the end of the world, but it does take away from a person’s character. Standing in the light of the truth, on the other hand, builds character.
Thanks for the great lesson on honesty. Hugs.
Anne Marie Murphy says
I haven’t lied to feel better but certainly have felt uncomfortable with feelings of inferiority and then the need to feel superior. I recently came across a series of books by Ichiro Kishmi on Adhlerian individual psychology told through stories. They have really helped me with social anxiety, depression and anxiety. The first one I read was “The courage to be disliked.” I am currently reading “The Courage to be happy.” After that I think I will read “The Courage to be Ordinary.” They are very liberating.
SHELLEY Orr-Krause says
Absolutely love your post ! It’s so true if you don’t lie then you don’t have to remember what you said to whom . I do know several who play this game and always makes me wonder why. One really has to learn to love one’s self and believe me if you truly love one self you should not have any reason to lie. Please keep posting M&A. Also I would recommend your book “ 1000 little things happy successful people do differently “ to anyone – love that book!