It is better to be alone than in bad company.
A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with. Sometimes luck controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let stay, who you pursue, and who you let walk back out.
Ultimately, you should surround yourself with people who make you a better person and set boundaries with those who don’t. Here are some general warning signs you’re in the presence of the latter:
1. They want you to be someone else.
Spend time with people who see you just the way you are. Spend even more time with those who truly know about you, and who love and respect you anyway. And if someone expects you to be someone you’re not, take a step back…
Remember, it’s wiser to lose relationships over being who you are, than to keep them intact by acting like someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to nurse a little heartache and meet someone new, than it is to piece together your own shattered identity. It’s easier to fill an empty space within your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space within yourself where YOU used to be.
2. They hold your past against you.
Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be — that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved past them. They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they try to drag your past to catch up with you. Do not help them by acknowledging their toxic behavior.
Remember that holding on too tight to an unchangeable past is a waste of energy and serves no purpose in creating a better day today. Keep moving forward. And if someone continuously judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to repair your future by leaving them behind.
3. They only make time for you when it’s convenient for them.
It’s obvious, but any relationship without regular interaction and communication is going to have problems, especially when there’s a lack of commitment. So don’t waste your time with someone who only wants you around when it’s convenient for them. You shouldn’t have to force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they truly care about you they will gladly create space for you.
Being in a relationship with someone who continuously overlooks your worth isn’t loyalty, it’s stupidity. Never beg someone for attention. Know your worth and establish boundaries.
4. You feel trapped.
Healthy relationships keep the doors and windows wide open. Plenty of air is flowing and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this kind of environment. You can come and go as you please, but you choose to stay because where you are is where you want to be.
If you want to be a part of someone’s life, all the open doors and windows in the world won’t make you leave. If someone has closed them all in an effort to trap you into something you don’t want to be a part of, it’s time to find the strength to kick down the door. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in detail in the Relationships and Self-Love chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
5. They discredit your ideas and dreams.
What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends on what you choose to do with your time and energy. People will throw all sorts of assumptions your way about what’s possible or impossible. Look beyond their assumptions and inner limitations, and connect with your own inner compass and ambitions.
Life is ultimately a blank canvas, and again, what you create comes from what you expect to create and what you work to create. So don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. Keep creating. Keep living your truth. The only people that will get mad at you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.
6. They have lied to you again and again.
Love is a verb, not a noun, and it’s an active function in all healthy relationships. And love is more than just feelings of passion and romance between lovers too; it’s a daily behavior among friends and family. If someone lies to you, they are unlovingly disrespecting you and your relationship.
When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person — you’re both lying and being unloving to YOU! Bottom line: Those who avoid the truth and only tell you what you want to hear, do so for their own benefit, not yours. Don’t put up with it as a long-term habit. (Read “Emotional Vampires”.)
7. Their negativity is rubbing off on you.
The truly negative people in your life don’t just behave negatively towards you, but towards everyone they interact with. What they say and do is a projection of their own reality — their own inner issues. Even if they say something to you that seems personal, and even if they insult you directly, it likely has little to do with you. This is important to remember because what these negative people say and do shouldn’t be taken to heart.
Although you don’t have control over what people say and do, you do have control over whether or not you allow them to say and do these things to you on a daily basis. You alone can deny their toxic words and actions from invading your heart and mind. If you feel like these people are getting to you, take a break and give yourself some space to breathe. Positive things happen when you distance yourself from negative people. And doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you’ve decided to respect yourself.
8. They are obsessively envious of what you have.
A little bit of envy is OK, but when someone is obsessively envious of what you have, there’s a good chance what they really want is to take it from you….
Obsessive envy usually doesn’t tell you how much someone admires you, it tells you how much they dislike themselves. If you can, try to help lift them up, but also be careful that they don’t pull you down. Sometimes no amount of kindness, or promises, or proof from you will ever be enough to make them feel better about themselves. For the broken pieces they carry are pieces they might have to mend for themselves. Happiness, after all, is mostly an inside job.
9. They motivate you to be judgmental or hateful.
No human being is universally superior to another. No faith, race, size or shape is universally inferior. All collective judgments about others are wrong. Period! Only judgmental hypocrites make them.
If you judge others by their skin color, their body size, or solely based on their outer beauty, you will miss EVERYTHING about who they truly are. It’s amazing the quality of people you will learn about and meet in this world if you can simply get past the fact that lots of people are not looking, dressing, and living the way you do.
So make no mistake about it, people who motivate you to judge or hate others are as bad as bad company gets. Again, make sure you establish boundaries. (Read “The Mastery of Love”.)
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn starting today. I hope you found value in the reminders above, and that you will use them to both protect yourself and check yourself, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to mindfully accept and grow from the relationship situations you can’t change. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this crazy world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Bhumika Bhatia
Miss Kitty says
This article was so helpful for me. I recently had to let go of a “friend” who had been sucking the joy out of me day by day. She was needy and clingy. She never had anything pleasant to say, ever. Everyday she’d use me as her personal dumping ground. She was also extremely narcissistic. All we ever talked about was her. After knowing her a little over 2 years, I learned in all that time she knew nothing about me! It was a lopsided friendship, me doing all the giving of both my time and even tangible things. I just never got anything back from her. I only did this a week ago, and have been a little lonely with her out of my life, but honestly I feel so much better mentally without her constant downer attitude. Great article! You have such a way with words. Your messaging is spot on without all the psychobabble you see on other sites and social posts. Thank you.
Flower. says
The only thing I can add to this beautiful list of “eye opener” warning signs is that if we learn to love ourselves, we will never have to deal with those situations because when you love yourself you are able to spot the flaws right from the get go. Hence, improve your “own self” all the time and then you will start to live live to the fullest leaving behind all the negative persons, liers, controllers, free loaders, selfish and envious people. I am sixty and have live my own share of deception just trying to fit in or believing on empty promises or deceptive people. You will never know people’s agendas and feelings. The only thing is sure is what you need, what you want and what you feel.
Michele says
And if the offenders are in your family… it is way harder to separate from this but the answer is the same – you need to at least create a safe distance from them.
I grew up with two parents that did and still do have an extremely dysfunctional, toxic relationship. They fool themselves into believing they are ‘normal’ people, but they are not. I could fill a book with all the ways this has screwed my head up, and the battle its been to get out from under their metal and emotional oppression.
I have spent half of my time here on earth wasted in careers I hate, second guessing my own judgment and ability to think. I have wasted years my time in toxic, abusive relationships, romantic and otherwise, all because they brought me up to believe I didn’t deserve proper boundaries. I was brought up to think I didn’t deserve any better. How could I even know what proper boundaries were? – I had no examples of it ever displayed before me and my mother would put up with anything.
It’s been a long hard battle in which I had to make some very difficult decisions. They have effected me in ways that have severely impeded my quality of life. Even a brief phone convo feels as if poison has been shot directly into my veins. I have two sisters who are still under their spell, who do not even realize how twisted their thinking is and who try using the same tactics on me as well. I don’t speak to them anymore. I thought this would leave a tremendous void in my life and that I would miss them terribly. I don’t. But this of course makes me the big bad black sheep of the family. I don’t care.
I now am extremely careful who I let into my inner circle, and have made a concerted effort to steer my own children in a very different direction – I have realized that its up to me to break the cycle. Still, its a battle every single day to ignore the negative voices in my head and to trust my instincts and not second guess myself and my decisions.
My parents, however, are old now. Still, I keep them at arms distance. If they need my help, I will help them, because of course I still love them, but I have done lots of work to emotionally separate myself from them. Still, when I do see them, I am screwed up for at least a week, a week I’ll never get back to live my life in a positive, productive manner. I am very careful in sacrificing my sanity for them anymore.
If I’m going to be completely honest, I must admit, that the only reason I stay in contact with them at all is because they are old, and I don’t need to feel that inevitable guilt I will feel when they pass away. So I guess my reasoning for staying in contact with them is, in a way, selfish. I don’t want their toxicity controlling me from the grave.
Lisa says
Another thing is to consider is this:
If they always come to tell you about the ‘ill’ being spoken of you from other people, they gotta go. Sometimes you have to play ‘Shoot the Messenger’ … Why are they telling you this? Why should you care? Why was it OK for others to talk bad about you in their presence, and they did not defend you? Why can’t they disclose the sources (the people and their names) where this information came from? Seriously, what is the real deal behind all this?
Bottom Line: Don’t tell me what they said. Tell me what YOU said to defend me. Tell me why it’s was OK for them to talk about me and for you to report back to me. Tell me why it was OK for them them talk about me in your presence so comfortably.
BEWARE of the Messenger who obsessively tells you of the ill that’s been spoken about you from other people.
Minnie says
It took me a long time to finally realize that my family was toxic for my life. I couldn’t understand the why I was feeling stupid, insecure, and unimportant around them until one day I decided to go back to school and their response to this was- you are too old for that!
I have been criticized about my spirituality, my personality, my morals, and values… everything about me, according to them is/was crazy. I needed to be confident for the career I chose and to strengthen my ability to NOT second guess my decisions at work, so while working on acquiring confidence and self-love, I find out that these people (so call family) did not have had my best interest, love, respect, and appreciation; therefore, I do not talk to them and ever since I made this decision, I have been happier, more confident, and motivated to achieve my goals and dreams without having to feel inadequate because of their opinion. Just because it is family does not mean that you have to sacrifice your happiness.
Ivy says
Add to list:
If they do not let you into their life, keep you a secret, do not introduce you to friends &/or family, and do not offer reasonable explanations after a consirable amount of time with that person.
Johnny says
I’d like to add something. Have you ever found yourself listening to someone gripe about one thing or another and then offering your constructive, unbiased opinion from an outsiders point of view only to find that when you feel the need to vent the same person whose problems you were polite enough to listen to, basically says they don’t want here you complain. I’ve experienced that recently. It’s unsettling to me how little consideration some can have, and its unfortunate but the last thing anyone needs is to give their positive energy to some one who, not only gives none back, but actually gives off negative vibes.
Ellz says
I’d have to say, if someone steps over my boundaries more than 2x, & they KNOW what they are, & have been warned that this behavior is unacceptable to me.
Example…telling one friend a version of a story, and me another, or manipulation of me for their own devious ends, or hurtful unfounded gossip about someone we both know…..
Unfortunately, one person was guilty of all three of these boundry violations and I had to cut all communication. Sorry, Charlie, you were warned. In the past, in other friendships, I would’ve put up with this behavior longer, but people like this don’t seem to learn…I have learned; not to stretch out the process, or I’ll be the one lied about or gossiped about….hard lessons.
Marie says
A few of these points really describe the two people my husband and i decided to let go in our lives. We’ve given these two so many chances, but the disrespect was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Particularly this friend who used to be my husband’s ex (we all became friends) who cannot seem to let go of the past and keep bringing it up with my husband. I think that’s inappropriate and already crossed the boundaries. My advice to people who are friends with exes: if you still feel resentment or have unresolved issues, it’s either you deal with it in the beginning and get it over with, or don’t be
friends at all. This is out of respect to your ex, the spouse and their families, especially when everyone is nice to you. No one deserves to be exposed to your decades old drama and no one has the time to deal with old issues concerning you. People have enough problems of their own without you adding to it.
Melany says
Ask yourself: “Do I shrink or grow in his/her presence?” Yikes or Yay on eh average day!?
Kim says
My two cents: Avoid the three A’s; aggressive, arrogant, abusive. If someone always expects you to put their needs and wants above your own, and they talk over you, or you feel fearful to express your own opinion because they might get mad, then stay away from them. Don’t spend your time with anyone who treats you like you are inferior.
Ramji Yadav says
“It is better to be alone than in bad company.” This saying is the most beautiful for us. Being alone may give a chance to reflect on our problems and solutions, means, no waste of time is guaranteed as its a sheer waste of time and chances are there to be inflicted with negativity by being in bad company.
Loise says
This article is invaluable, especially the part that points out me lying to myself, that sank deep. Never thought of it that way before.
Thank you.
Lucinda says
All of these are good points — but the one that resonated most with me is the one about friends who only see you when it’s convenient for them. I’ve been trying to deal with a couple of friends who have trouble committing to plans. They typically leave me hanging and/or they cancel out at the last minute. It’s as if they are waiting to see if a better offer comes along, and it makes me feel disrespected. Worst of all, they seem offended if I am not readily available on the spur-of-the-moment when they decide they suddenly have spare time for me.
I realize that I need to de-prioritize these friendships. I want to spend my time with good friends who are willing to be there for me, friends I can count on. Your article validates my feelings and my decision. Thank you.
David says
I suppose number nine, as the most meaningful to me right now. It’s it’s revealing about negative people. I’ll have to pay more attention when I’m on Facebook because they are on there. I only have one person who is negative around me, I try to be a good sample by staying positive, but it’s up to him to desire to be positive and he’ll have to sort that out. Thank for bringing these points to my attention, I’ll pay extra attention on the internet and try to avoid the negative and condemning attitudes. Hugs