“Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars.”
— Violeta Parra
It’s a dull sensation when your heart is breaking, like the muffled sound of a distant gunshot. It doesn’t actually pierce your skin or tear you to pieces, but the sensation is physically present — the paralyzing discomfort of realizing that something you took for granted is leaving for good.
Although it’s hard to accept at first, this is actually a good sign, having a broken heart. It means you have loved something, you have tried for something, and you have let life teach you.
Life will attempt to break you down sometimes; nothing and no one can completely protect you from this reality. Remaining alone and hiding from the world won’t either, for endless isolation and solitude will likely break you with unhealthy nostalgia and yearning.
You have to stand back up and put yourself out there again. Your heart is stronger than you realize. I’ve been there and I’ve seen heartbreak through to the other side. It takes time and patience.
Deep heartbreak is kind of like being lost in the woods — every direction leads to nowhere at first. When you are standing in a forest of darkness, you can’t see any light that could ever lead you home. But if you wait for the sun to rise again, and listen when someone assures you that they themselves have stood in that same dark place, and have since moved forward with their life, oftentimes this will bring the hope that’s needed.
It’s so hard to give someone advice when they’ve got a broken heart, but some words can heal, and this is my attempt to give you a little hope. You are stronger than you know!
Please remember…
- The genuine, loving emotion that breaks your heart is oftentimes the same emotion that will heal it, gradually, over time.
- The person you liked or loved in the past, who treated you like dirt repeatedly, has nothing intellectually or spiritually to offer you in the present moment, but more headaches and heartache.
- You can mull it over and obsess and obsess about how things turned out — what you did wrong or should have done differently – but there’s no point. It will NOT change anything right now!
- Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure. There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to hold on to what’s not meant to stay.
- Seven letters. Two words. One saying. It can either cut you open to the core and leave you in horrific pain, or it can free your heart and soul and lift an incredible weight off your shoulders. The saying is: It’s over!
- When you don’t get what you want, sometimes it’s necessary preparation, and other times it’s necessary protection. But the time is never wasted. It’s a step on your journey. (Read “The Road Less Traveled”.)
- Someday you’re going look back on this time in your life as such an important time of grieving and growing. You will see that you were in mourning and your heart was breaking, but your life was changing.
- Transitions in life are the perfect opportunity to let go of one situation to embrace something even better coming your way.
- One of the hardest lessons to learn: You cannot change other people. Every interaction, rejection and heartbreaking lesson is an opportunity to change yourself only.
- Be determined to be positive. Understand that the greater part of your misery or unhappiness from this point forward is determined not by your circumstances, but by your attitude.
- Life and God both have greater plans for you that don’t involve crying at night or believing that you’re broken.
- It’s always better to be alone than to be in bad company. And when you do decide to give someone a chance, do so because you’re truly better off with this person. Don’t do it just for the sake of not being alone.
- A broken heart is often just the growing pain necessary so that you can love more completely when the real thing comes along.
- When someone rejects you it doesn’t mean you need to also reject yourself or think of yourself as less worthy. It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever want you anymore. Remember that there are billions of people in the world and only ONE person has rejected you. And it only hurts so bad right now because, to you, that one person’s opinion represented the opinion of the whole world. But that’s not the truth.
- Sometimes it takes a broken heart to shake you awake and help you see that you are worth so much more than you were settling for. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
- Anything that hurts you today also has the ability to teach you a lesson that makes you stronger in the end.
- When you lose someone or something, try not to think of it as a loss, but as a gift that lightens your load so you can better travel the path meant for you.
- In the end, grief is the price you pay for love. And it’s better to have loved, lost and learned, than to have never loved at all.
Afterthoughts
You are human, and the human heart breaks sometimes.
Don’t fight it.
Fight through it!
Give yourself a chance to love again, to feel again, and to truly live again…
You are here to risk your heart by putting it into something you believe in, as many times as it takes.
And remember, one of the keys to life is to practice changing your response to what you can’t control. To gradually grow stronger and stronger on the inside, so that less and less on the outside affects your heart and inner spirit without your conscious permission.
Now it’s your turn…
In what ways have you struggled with heartbreak? How have you coped?
Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Sarah Tett
Dee says
I love all of the encouragement wrapped up into this one post. #13 is my absolute favorite. I have experienced this in my own life and hope to encourage others with that belief too. To start I will be sharing this with a close friend who is presently brokenhearted.
I love your website and emails. Thank you for spreading positivity and healthy guidance.
DRapp says
I think some aspects of heartache were not captured in this excellent post. So I’ll make some additions and put some thoughts out there:
1. Heartache is real pain that must be dealt with in order to process all the way through it. It HURTS! If you do not process the pain, the wound will not heal properly. Just like a broken toe or a sprained ankle, if you ignore the pain it will only get worse.
2. Find something to do. Sitting around, hanging around, and focusing on your pain with over-analysis creates and endless loop of poor thinking. Clean your closets, clean your car, call 15 people you have not called in a month or more, or visit a friend.
3. Certain ideas and platitudes will not be received well without an open mind and calmer heart. #10, #16 and #18 will drop flat if you are in full heartache, they play best later in the process.
Stephanie says
Right before reading this message I was sitting in my car in the parking lot crying my eyes out. I’m dealing with the loss of someone who I’ve been with for six years and thought for certain I would spend the my life with. And just like that he was gone…with another woman. Some days are better than others but as I quietly envy other couples and their joy I suffer in silence daily.
Your post today was the very first thing I saw when checking my email. Coincidence? My heart is breaking and has been for some time but reading this has given me some hope. I’ve reread #1-18 several times this morning and will continue each day until my breakthrough happens…I really hope it happens. Thank you Marc and Angel for the words of wisdom and for speaking light to many of us who have been suffering in the dark. Even if it’s for a moment.
Ramji Yadav says
Definitely it will happen. Be courageous and optimistic. Be a little bit prayerful to God. Ask Lord Jesus to guide and give strength to love everyone around, this will improve your patience and one day definitely you will get a better person in your life that too with elated spirit and loving soul.
Take this heartbreak as if it happens to broaden your understanding of life.
Joanne says
I just want to say “thank you” for all of your inspiration, M&A. The last 10 years of my life have been extremely challenging, an emotional roller coaster to say the least! Fortunately, I found your books, especially “1,000 Little Things”. I have hope again, am learning acceptance, gratitude and some appreciation for the hard journey. Thank you!
Jefff says
I very much needed to see this one. I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up over my failed marriage and I’ve spent too much time feeling broken and somehow unworthy. Reading this isn’t going to heal me in the long run though. I need to take the next step and actually believe these things. It’s been a slow process.
Jennifer Ditmarsch says
Jeff, I too felt like a failure when my marriage was ending. One perspective shift that helped me was that the marriage failed, not me. A marriage is the union of two people and takes the full effort of two people. Both people have to be willing to meet somewhere even if it’s not halfway. Recognize the effort you put forth to meet your partner and remind yourself that you couldn’t have done it all. That’s not a partnership. I have found self discovery is a slow process but very rewarding.
Thank you Marc and Angel for the reminders about heartbreak. It’s not always about people. The grief experienced by losing a pet, an identity or a dream is very real.
Marcy says
I have had a huge amount of betrayal and resulting heartbreak in my life, starting in my tender years. I can relate to the feeling of why, what’s wrong with me and what now. What I have learned through the years is that heartache is inevitable and you can’t avoid it. I have had to learn to be patient with myself, let myself feel it and remember it won’t last forever. In other words I am not AFRAID of feeling it. That doesn’t make it any less painful, but at least I’m not actively trying to control my life to the point I stop living it. Be brave, don’t be bitter, and keep going. I also agree that it all has made me a better person. How I handled it when I was young is so much different than it is now. It is a journey. I love the wisdom you guys post at just the right moment to help me get through stuff that comes up. I have been reading for years.
Lois says
What really resonates with me today is your statement “Grief is the price you pay for loving” I struggle with prolonged and ambiguous grief as my husband of 60 years now has lived for the last 1 1/2 years with ailments. He is still alive but unfortunately not the person he was once was! But he still loves me and I too. I’m still thankful I spent so many years with him when we were well.
Payal says
My ex-husband went through heartbreak because of me. He loved me a lot, but I left him. I had my reasons, and I felt he needed to be with someone who loved him like he deserved, and I did not see myself as that person.
He was heartbroken, still is. I think he is strong enough to go through it and emerge as a winner from the other side, but he does not think so now(understandably). I have been tempted to go back to him many times, but I know it will not make him happier in the long run. May god give him strength to endure all The grief I caused him.
This is a great post and I do want to send it to him, but I think I am the last person he needs advice from.
Mary pat says
I think it is a kind idea at first to want to return to him to heal his heartbreak, but in the long run, I think you should do what you’re more inclined to do for yourself, and that’s to set him free…You both will find new people who will fit you better…Good luck, Dear…
Son says
Thank you Angel and Marc for these great insights. My old best friends, including the one I loved, left me forever about 10 years ago. But now, I have made new friends. They like and respect me for who I am and not what they can make me into. New life, new hope. 🙂
roxy says
So happy for you! I wish to get there!
Son says
Thank you. It’s very difficult to move on. I have been crying my eyes out for months. My best friends don’t answer my calls, don’t reply to my messages and the one I love(d) smacked the phone call on my face. Then I met friends who really want me and help me out. They helped me smile and have fun again. Life has many people and many great things. Can’t afford not to enjoy life just for the sake of a few people who hurt you.
Christopher Edwards says
It amazes me how timely this article is. I guess it goes to show that at any given moment in time, heartache and the human condition are colliding.
For 5 years we dated off and on. Fighting. Breaking up. Making up and being blissfully happy in between. When things were good they were amazing. We could laugh at so hard at something silly that we would have to pull the car over. We could explore an antique mall or flea market for hours, me never tiring tiring of looking at her and thinking “She’s with me. Look at how beautiful she is.”. Our kisses were like none I have ever experienced. It felt as though we were truly meant to be in each other’s arms. We fit perfectly and the feeling of peace and contentment were, at time, overwhelming. Our physical passion was based on honest communication and total selflessness. And it was spectacular.
After an 8 month break-up, in which we both saw others, we reunited and married 3 months later. We both agreed to make this work, that the issues we had previously had to be addressed. We could not fall back into that relationship.
But as time went on, cracks began to form and old habits, on both sides, began to surface again. Even though we were married, she liked to go out as if she was single. Going to bars with her single friends and drinking too much. She always drank too much. She would be vague about when she would be home.
No. I don’t think she had an affair. But this need to go out, be seen and constantly drink too much was causing problems and she was unwilling to do anything about it. We tried councilors, and as long as the microscope was on me, she would be open in our session. As soon as the focus was her drinking, she stopped going and became very defensive
After one year, we separated. Being true to our history, we never really separated. We lived apart, but ping-ponged back and forth between happiness and break-ups. I always felt as if we could make it work, but it takes two for that and I was one.
Three weeks ago it ended and my heart has not stopped breaking, my soul hurting or my eyes crying. The dull, constant hurt is like nothing I have ever felt. I can think of nothing except her and our lost dreams. I think about she and I laughing, cooking dinner, kissing and exploring together.
I printed this article and will carry it with me in my paper planner/journal. Sometimes it will help, I’m sure. Sometimes it will not be enough to keep me strong.
Why?
Because I miss her.
Merci says
You guys are great people. You molded me with your articles and books to the person I’ve wanted to be. Thanks for everything! No 15 strikes me most. I’ve just ordered your books for a very close friend going through a difficult time in her marriage. Without you guys, my divorce early this year wouldn’t have been possible. I’m a better person today.
Those two words of yours “it’s over” helped me to turn the page and since then so many pretty pages have been opening in my life. This year is really a year of liberation and growth for me. I have two favourite books today, your book and my bible.
I still find it difficult to believe myself today. I surprise myself and everyone around me.
-MERCI from Toulouse France.
Hillary says
I found out a few days ago, via an anonymous text, my boyfriend of 6 years has been cheating on me for over a year with a co-worker. I’m utterly destroyed…and then this blog shows up in my email. It has literally given me the strength to get out of bed every day. I know it will be a long road but I’ll travel it. Thank you Marc and Angel.
Ramji Yadav says
Yes, that should be your spirit “it will be a long road but you will travel”.
Amy says
The need for approval and permission have dominated my entire life. I have sacrificed my heart’s desire, my dreams and even my dignity because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or take a chance of not being accepted. I thought by saying “yes” to you and your desires and “no” to what was important or best for me was what Jesus was saying in The Beatitudes, in The Sermon on the Mount. All I wanted in return was for you to love me. I have been so sick with a broken heart since my husband of 23 years told me he wanted a divorce 5 years ago. I have been holding on to that rejection and pain unwilling to let him go. I literally feel like I could die from the pain I feel because I wont let go. I turned to drugs and toxic relationships looking for relief and only brought on more pain. I’ve been to treatment facilities, have had several trips to jail and have been to prison in the past 5 years because I wont let go. When I read this article I felt so relieved because you knew exactly how I feel , what I’ve been doing my entire life, and you gave me permission to stop it. Thank you. And I was about to apologize, out of habit, for such a long comment because my husband made it clear to me over the years that he would much prefer me to sum up my thoughts and feelings in just a few words or none at all if possible…but I decided not to.
Dylan says
I’m going through crippling heartbreak right at this moment. I let go the only person I truly ever loved because of my own inexperience and stupidity. We had a great relationship. We were both great to each other. We built our relationship on honestly, communication and respect. I feel I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life letting her go and I’d give anything and then some to have her back. I’m overwhelmed with regret. I’m 25 and feel like I’ll never ever meet anybody like her again. I just can’t see this light in the dark forest people are talking about. It feels like I’ll be lost forever. And have this lifelong regret. I ended our relationship because I felt we weren’t growing as a couple. Always dealing with the same issues and never moving forward. She shut down on me and stopped communicating even when I asked her about it because I could always tell when something was wrong. But in my inexperience I feel I made a mistake. I feel I should have been more patient and tried to work harder. Gosh, I’m still feeling lost, but this post does bring me some perspective.
David says
Well, to be honest with you about heartbreak. I’ve developed a lot of faith in God’s wisdom, love and concern for each and every one of us. As for myself, heartbreak really doesn’t come into the picture as much as maybe someone who doesn’t have faith. Over time, I’ve learned that all things work together for good. Although there may be a little pain at times, I know that he loves me. Whatever he allows to happen he does in love and that therefore is my consolation. As it says in Proverbs, “Trust in the Lord with all thy heart.”
Hugs.