When we are judging everyone and everything, we are learning nothing.
One of the most incredible changes I’ve made in my life, which has undoubtedly made me a happier person and a better friend, is learning to let go of judging people.
Now, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t ever judge others. We all have a tendency to do so by default — it’s a human instinct, and I’m not the exception. But I have learned to catch myself, and to recognize how judging is harmful. Notice I say “harmful” instead of “bad,” because instead of judging myself, I’d rather observe that the act of judging causes harm.
What underlying harmful conditions are indicated by my tendency to judge people? It varies, but in many cases these points apply…
- I don’t know everyone’s full story and I’m therefore ignorant of what most people are going through.
- I have unrealistic or unjustified expectations of people.
- I believe that I’m somehow better than the people I’m judging.
- I’m being a bit self-absorbed and egotistical.
- I’ve lost sight of being grateful for my own blessings and compassionate to those who aren’t as fortunate.
- I’m not being curious or willing to learn, but instead I’m judging and rejecting people who are different than me.
- I can’t possibly help the present situation from a place of judgment.
How Judging Someone Transpires
Let me give you a personal example of how judging someone plays out so we can see how the harmful conditions above transpire:
I visit an old friend who is actively neglecting his own health — he is overweight and has extremely high blood pressure, and yet he eats junk food every day and never exercises. I know he can improve his health by changing his daily decisions. So I judge him for what he’s doing, get irritated with him, indirectly insult him with my opinionated commentary, and then dismiss him when our conversation turns sour. This kind of situation occurs all the time in relationships all around the world — just tweak the details a little and then substitute my old friend for someone’s husband, wife, father, mother, colleague, friend, etc.
Now, lets take a closer look at what’s really going on in my situation…
First of all, I’m a bit ignorant of what my old friend is going through, as I don’t fully understand his point of view. The truth is, he has been deeply depressed about his poor health, feeling ugly, unwanted, scared, and untrusting of himself to make better decisions. Because of his depression, he desperately tries to avoid thinking about anything related to his health, and therefore makes himself feel better through snack food, binge-watching TV shows, and other unhealthy distractions. He’s just trying to cope. And in fact, I have done similar things many times in the past… I have failed. I have dealt with hardship. I have felt depressed. And I have comforted myself in unhealthy ways. So I’m not really any better than him, even if I believe I am.
What’s more, I’m being ungrateful for the amazing human being he is, despite his health issues. He truly is wonderful – which is precisely why I’m friends with him – but by judging him, I’m not appreciating him at all. Instead, I’m being self-absorbed by focusing on how much “better” I am, how I think he “should” be, how he’s irritating me, how my irritation is more important than all the pain he’s feeling inside. I’m not being curious about what’s really happening in his heart and mind, and what he’s going through and why. Instead, I have simply judged him. And from this position of close-minded judgment, I can’t help because I have stopped communicating effectively, and have dismissed him as unworthy of my effort.
How to Stop Judging Once You Start
First and foremost, you must bring awareness to the fact that you’re doing it. Doing so takes practice, but there are two crystal-clear signs of judging to look for in yourself:
- You feel irritated, annoyed, or dismissive of someone
- You’re complaining or gossiping about someone
After you catch yourself judging, pause and take a deep breath. Don’t berate yourself, but simply ask yourself a few questions:
- Why are you judging this person right now?
- What unnecessary or idealistic expectations do you have of this person?
- Can you put yourself in this person’s shoes?
- What might this person be going through?
- Can you learn more about their story?
- What’s something you can appreciate about this person right now?
Once you’ve done that, offer your kindness and compassion. Perhaps they just need someone to hear them, someone to not judge them, someone to not control them, someone to be present without an agenda…
But in any case, remind yourself that you can’t help them at all from a position of judgment. And you can’t help yourself either, because judging people is stressful.
Quotes to Stop You from Judging
Since I intellectually understand everything we’ve discussed above, but often forget when I’m in the heat of the moment, I’ve implemented a simple strategy to help me alleviate my judgmental tendencies. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself NOT to judge. Anytime I’m heading into a social situation where I feel judgment stirring inside me, I read a few of the following quotes to myself before I leave the house…
- Look within first. When two people meet, the edge on communication goes to the one with the most self-insight. He or she will be calmer, more confident, and more at ease with the other.
- Don’t be lazy and make snap judgments. Be kind. Ask about people’s stories. Listen. Be humble. Be open. Be teachable. Be a good neighbor.
- There is a story behind every person. There is a reason why they are the way they are. Think about that, and respect them for who they are.
- The way we treat people we strongly disagree with is a report card on what we’ve learned about love, compassion and kindness.
- Do your best to maintain sincere love in your heart. The more you see the good in other people, the more good you will uncover in yourself.
- Be present. Be kind. Compliment people. Magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses. This is how to make a difference.
- We all take different roads seeking fulfillment and joy. Just because someone isn’t on your road, doesn’t mean they’re lost.
- It’s OK to be upset. It’s never OK to be cruel. In disagreements with others, deal only with the present situation. Don’t bring up the past or any other form of drama.
- The most memorable people in your life will be the ones who loved you when you were not very lovable. Remember this, and return the favor when you’re able.
- No matter what happens, be good to the people around you. Being good to people is a peaceful way to live, and a beautiful legacy to leave behind.
Now it’s your turn…
How has judging people affected you and your relationships? Do you have any thoughts or insights to share?
We would love to hear from you. Please leave a reply below.
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Lisa Wollek says
Marc and Angel,
I believe your site was posted on Facebook and appeared in my feed this morning as a gift to me from my mom. Yesterday was her first birthday in heaven and I miss her dearly. I have also been struggling, and dialoguing with her internally, about some regret I have regarding judgment and how it impacted my interaction with her the last few years. I was already beginning to have some insight into my role in this, and doing my best to make post dated amends… But I’m glad I read a few articles and clicked over to this piece as it addresses it in a specific, articulate and illuminating way for me. And will be my roadmap for doing better moving forward.
So thank you mom, and thank you Marc and Angel.
Blessings.
Marc Chernoff says
A big hug to you today. And happy birthday your mom. May her memory continue to inspire you.
Beverly says
M&A, your thoughts on issues like this continue to move me forward. After my marriage came to an end four years ago, mostly due to the relentless emotional abuse (driven by my judging and insecurities) that I had inflicted on my ex-husband, I found your blog, book, and video lessons. And it took me some work, but I now realize my flaws and mistakes. And I also realize how many others make similar mistakes. As long as we continue to live as if we are what other people think about us (judgments and all), we will continue to be filled with our own judgments and condemnations. We will remain addicted to putting people in their “right” place, and ultimately ruining the relationships we have with them.
Thank you for the reinforcement.
Marc Chernoff says
Beautifully stated, and cheers to noticing your progress, Beverly.
Sandra says
Beverly,
This statement really spoke to me, to the extent that I copied and pasted it into a ‘Quote’ file that I keep (giving you full credit, of course!):
“As long as we continue to live as if we are what other people think about us (judgments and all), we will continue to be filled with our own judgments and condemnations. We will remain addicted to putting people in their “right” place”
I might add that this is also true of what we ‘think’ other people think of us. For example, if I think that other people think I am somehow ‘lesser than,’ my initial reaction is to a) feel intimidated, b) judge them as elitist, with no regard for ‘regular’ people, and c) feel the need to defend my value. (Fortunately, this interaction generally takes place in my head!)
Yeah, I really need to work on that…
Thanks for the clarity!
Robert says
This post reminds me of a quote Angel recently shared in one of her emails:
“Judge tenderly, if you must. There is usually a side you have not heard, a story you know nothing about, and a battle waged that you are not having to fight.”
And I could not agree more with what’s said in both that quote and in this post. I used to judge everyone, including myself. It was a dark and lonely period of my life — one that lasted nearly three decades.
Megan Kirby says
Such an important reminder for all of us: Let’s STOP judging each other!
None of us have it all figured out, especially not the when we are acting like we do and judging others because of it. And surely not when we’re trying to be something we aren’t because we’re trying to please a bunch of other judgmental hypocrites. Judging is not on the path to happiness or peace.
Thank you for your emails and virtual support via your Getting to Happy course, Marc and Angel! You are making a difference.
Nicki D. says
Terrific article! I am very quick to judge, unfortunately, though am making a conscious effort to catch myself. Example: At a public transit bus shelter yesterday, there was a man inside, sitting down, who blew his nose onto the ground and wiped his hands on his pants. I had some pretty harsh, automatic judgements about him! However, within a few minutes I was able to turn my judgements around and send him silent blessings, because really, who knows what his life is like, how he was raised, etc.? That doesn’t mean the act wasn’t disgusting, because it was, IMO especially post-pandemic, but that doesn’t make ALL of *him* a disgusting or worthless person. It’s very challenging, though, to catch and stop those automatic judgments in the heat of the moment.
Isabella says
Nicki D., thank you for sharing your story and perspective! This distinction between the action and the person who performs is VERY important. Personally, I pay attention to my thoughts and most of the times I try to be sympathetic, to catch myself, to try to put myself in the other person’s shoes, but this sheds a new light on everything (it was not so automatic for me). Also, this allows me to accept my reactions and perceptions, because pretending not to feel disgusted for the sake of being non-judgemental would be rejecting/judging myself. And besides, it makes me wonder about the times my own actions have been considered “bad” generally speaking, or offensive, or have actually offended people without me even realizing. Some food for thought…
Diana says
I have struggled with trying to not judge others all my life. Like you I catch myself doing it in spite of being aware so I am glad you made this list. I actually judge people for judging other people (LOL). Maybe I can share this list with them.
Ahmed says
I have been very judgemental in the past and am even now, though I have realized its a harmful practice for myself. It all started when the realization got into my head that I was smarter and more intelligent than others and I was hence better than others. I shunned people who did not look as bright as me and only engaged with smart, aware, environmentally-responsible, politically correct people. After some time I began seeing flaws in them too. Soon I isolated myself from everyone and created an aura of mightiness about me. Of course then nobody cared about a proud, prudish, self-important person like me. I continued to think too highly of myself but also kept looking for perfect people to engage with. I never found any. Years went by like this and I turned into a socially-awkward, reclusive, self-styled nerd no one really felt attracted to. I also started feeling depressed and watching dirty vids, etc.
I have realised that I am not perfect and nobody else is either and I must learn to live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. Ever since then, my outlook on life as a whole has improved considerably. But I am still socially-awkward and it continues to give me stress and regret about past.
Trey says
I feel you. I am in a boat not too different. Though I have found another way. Pray continuously. How many will judge me for this comment…..and all they will know of me is that I do pray. Praying allows me to spit out the anxiety of life. And to give these words to MY Lord and creator…in the hope He will take them from me. My hope is reliant upon my beliefs. Right or wrong …you choose the direction of your own life. Good luck Ahmed.
Tia Shurina says
M&A,
You’ve both have been helping me on my path for quite some time. As a result, in part due to both of your angelic-like assistance, I’ve been blessed by the writing of a memoir that discusses that very path.
After being stunned, stolen from, & selfishly violated on the subway just a few eves ago, I allowed that encounter with a complete & total stranger to ripple out & serve as a catalyst for feelings of devastation & betrayal by some close to me that have disappointed & drained me as I have made my way. In that weariness, Ive struggled mightily recently, with so much, including the temptation to cast judgment. Your posts, as always, somehow seem to speak right & perfectly to exactly what I need to hear in the moment. As Ive allowed myself kindness to work thru some powerful emotions these last few days after that sudden experience, reading your words reminds me of some important powerful stuff…so powerful it helped me change my life, & that force enough this special morning to re-turn me to a more beautiful, benevolent & certainly more bountiful road. Thank you so very much for your insightful words. May the force stay with you both as you continue to inspire & encourage in such an important way.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for the extra kindness, Tia.