Many moons ago, after I was ruthlessly bullied by a couple kids in elementary school, my grandma found me in tears on my bedroom floor. She sat down next to me, gave me a hug, and let me vent to her. Then, after there was silence between us for a prolonged period, she said, “Those bullies just want to make you feel bad all day long. That’s their goal. And if you continue to feel bad about their foolish antics, they win. However, if you let go of their foolish antics, and instead focus on feeling good and helping other people feel good, you win. There’s always a winner in these situations. And it’s always your choice.” I hugged my grandma again and said, “Thank you.”
Regardless of our age or social status, there will always be some difficult people out there who want nothing more than to bully and belittle us. Sometimes they’re colleagues at work, sometimes they’re people in our neighborhoods, sometimes they’re the mean kids at school…
And just as difficult people will always exist in the world, so too will our power to choose how we respond to them. Do we let them make their pain our own? Or do we choose to transform that pain into personal growth and strength? Do we let them win? Or do we choose to win?
It’s hard to make wise choices in the heat of the moment. But when we choose to win and transform our momentary pain into personal growth and strength, we aren’t just improving our own lives, we’re also improving the lives of the people we love, and the people who look up to us.
With that said, however, sometimes handling difficult people — and “winning” — is, well, difficult! Angel and I have worked with hundreds of live event attendees and coaching clients over the past 16 years who were struggling through this very predicament. And gradually, we guided them through several effective strategies that work wonders. I want to briefly review a few of these strategies with you today, in hopes that you find value in them too…
1. Practice detaching yourself from other people’s bias opinions.
You may not be able control all the things people say and do, but you can decide not to be distracted by them. The way people treat you is their problem, how you respond internally is yours. What you need to remember is that the things people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, biases and past experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re worthless, again, is more about them and how they view the world.
Now, I’m not suggesting we should be self-indulged narcissists and ignore all the opinions and commentary we receive from others. I’m simply saying that incredible amounts of hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives come directly from our tendency to take things too personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and insight as your guide.
2. Wish them well and move forward with your day.
Don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being disappointed by them. There’s no reason to expect others to always treat you the way you treat them — not everyone has the same heart as you. Meditate on that. Let it sink in deep. You never know what someone has been through in their life, or what they’re going through today. So just do your best to be kind, generous, and respectful, before moving on.
Remember that all the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as a baby. That’s the tragedy of living. When people are rude and difficult, be mindful — be your best. Give those around you the “break” that you hope the world will give you on your own “bad day.”
3. Model the behavior you want to see.
When someone insists on foisting their hostility and drama on you, be an example of true grace. Ignore their outlandish antics and focus on compassion. Communicate and express yourself from a place of peace, from a place of love, with the best intentions. Use your voice for good, to inspire, to encourage, to educate, and to spread the type of behavior you want to see in others. This, of course, is much easier said than done. It takes practice.
Even with several years of practice behind me, I sometimes catch myself being rude to people who are rude to me — I behave badly because they behaved badly. And even if the situation is absolutely their fault, my behavior only escalates the situation. So I do my best to take a deep breath and set a good example of how to deal with anger and frustration. I try to be patient and compassionate with them — to demonstrate a positive way of handling difficult people. And doing so always helps me make progress, even if it’s not instantaneous.
4. Take positive control of negative conversations.
It’s okay to change the topic, talk about something positive, or steer conversations away from pity parties, drama, and self-absorbed sagas. Be willing to disagree with difficult people and deal with the consequences. Some people really don’t recognize their own difficult tendencies or their inconsiderate behavior.
You can actually tell a person, “I feel like you ignore me until you need something.” You can also be honest if their overly negative attitude is what’s driving you away: “I’m trying to focus on positive things. What’s something good we can talk about?” It may work and it may not, but your honesty will help ensure that any communication that continues forward is built on mutually beneficial ground.
5. Proactively establish healthy and reasonable boundaries.
Practice becoming aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t possibly help others if you’re incapacitated.
In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries with difficult people will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you, so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most, not just the difficult ones who try to keep you tied up in needless drama.
6. Make extra time for yourself.
Difficult people who wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions are obviously hard to handle. They want others to join their 24/7 pity party so they can feel better about themselves. And you may feel pressured to listen to their complaints continuously simply because you don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a compassionate ear and getting sucked into their emotional drama.
If you are forced to live or work with a difficult person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate. Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of relentless moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, their toxic attitude can infect you. So remember that even people with legitimate problems and illnesses can still comprehend that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
7. Let them know that you, respectfully, do not care.
This one is essentially a last resort. If you’ve tried your best to communicate respectfully with a difficult person, or to gracefully distance yourself from them, but they insist on following you around and attacking you for whatever reason, it’s time to speak up and tell them that their words are meaningless. In such situations, I challenge you to make this your lifelong motto: “I respectfully do not care.” Say it to anyone who relentlessly passes public judgment on something you strongly believe in or something that makes you who you are. And remind yourself that you did nothing wrong. Some people will inevitable judge you no matter what you do, and that’s OK. You affected their life; don’t let them affect yours.
Afterthoughts… on setting an example.
It doesn’t help to tame all the difficult people in your life if you’re not ready to foster genuine relationships with good people. On occasion, you may find that the difficulties between you and someone else drain away rather quickly when you start being less difficult yourself. And I’m not trying to preach; this is something I’m working on in my own life — it’s a lifelong practice.
Make that first call, offer a genuine compliment, schedule a fun outing with another person’s preferences in mind, send that ridiculously funny text message for no real reason — there are tons of ways to nurture relationships with good people who are worth the extra effort and sacrifice. And when good people and good intentions surround you, it’s amazing how unnecessary pettiness, toxicity, and difficulty simply evaporates from your conscious awareness.
This really goes back to the point above on modeling the behavior you want to see. Just as light will dispel darkness, your light can be a shining example to everyone around you, including those who mean well but don’t realize their difficult tendencies. And even though you’ll likely need to limit your exposure to some people, don’t underestimate the possibility that your example may influence them for the greater good, one way or the other, in the long run.
Now it’s your turn…
How have difficult people affected your life and relationships?
Do you have any additional thoughts or insights to share?
We would love to hear from YOU. Please leave a reply below.
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Photo by: Kristina Flour
Therese F. says
Thanks for this post, Marc & Angel. For the longest time difficult people held me back. Or better yet, I didn’t spend enough time around others who supported my ambitions, and I also didn’t dedicate enough of my attention to working on the things that mattered to me. One of the important lessons I learned from your coaching and course is that I don’t have to exile unsupportive friends and family from my life to make room for other good people who do support me. I’ve put your advice into practice and simply shifted my focus a bit. I’ve made it a daily priority to focus a little more on the relationships and activities that support the growth I want to see in my life.
Rhonda L. says
That’s an interesting way to put it, “exile,”also called “no contact.” I recently had to cut off communication with a family member. We were stuck in a toxic vicious cycle in relating to each other because of my pain and her mental narcissistic fire-setting. I want to let this person back in my life on a limited basis, but haven’t known how to do it. Shifting the focus, and knowing I have good people around me who appreciate what I can do for them, and overlook my failings is giving me courage to be my best self in future encounters. I will have ideas on how to view her little rude comments. Sometimes being a medium chilled “gray rock” is the recommended course. I’m actually grateful for the negative experience I have had with her, because it has revealed the ways that I’m difficult myself.
This piece is so helpful, Marc and Angel, thank you. And thank you, Therese, for your comments.
Dennis says
I absolutely love when your newest posts arrive in my email box when I’m in need of some healthy self-reflection. This one reminds me that most arguments aren’t worth having, and that my own inner strength is a vital part of the healthy relationships I’m attempting to maintain with others. Difficult people, and difficult moments, will always come up, but they don’t have to defeat me. Excellent reminders!
Yvonne says
This is an excellent post. My children are grown up now, but I would always tell them that people who feel good about themselves help other people feel good about themselves. So, when someone is mean to you, they’re telling you that they don’t feel good about themselves, so it has nothing to do with you and you can feel sorry for them. You can tell them how their actions made you feel, but if the behaviour doesn’t change, it’s okay to walk away. For myself, growing up where there were no boundaries, I’ve had to learn to put healthy boundaries up, and some days I’m more successful than others.
Michelle Stevens says
I just wanted to leave a quick comment and say thank you, Marc! I read your weekly posts, and even read excerpts from your 1000 Things book as positive morning affirmations, but I’ve never left a comment here say thanks. So THANK YOU and keep being a source of hope and healthy guidance to others. My attitude, relationships, and life in general have benefitted greatly. Honestly, the difficult people in my life have gotten a lot easier to deal with, as I’ve gradually learned better ways of coping from you and Angel.
Renee says
Wow. Thank you so much for this post. It is so timely. I have been dealing with a difficult business partner all week and I had to remind myself not to be rude just because he was being rude. It is easy to become rude to other rude people; their negative attitude can get to us so easily unless we decide to not let it, and this is really a lifetime practice. I love how realistic you are Marc. I had to calm down and become the ‘bigger person’ by responding positively and I believe it was a good example from me. Takes slot of practice and determination handling difficult people in this life.
Frank A. says
It is basically FORGIVENESS. If one does not forgive, you cannot escape the captivity of the offending person.
Shelly says
Thank you for this amazing post! I appreciate your candidness about how you personally struggle to hold it together in the face of a difficult and/or rude person. Thank you for sharing. It is such a struggle! Especially with people who are close – like family and office mates. I liked that you touched on detachment, but it would be great if a future article could dig into this a little deeper. How do you “detach” from close family? What does that look like? Thank you again for your thoughtful articles.
Ramji Yadav says
Most respectfully, you are asking how to detach from family, in fact we should learn how to be detached from our own thoughts and body. Because, in reality we are souls not body or mind. Most of our problems get automatically be solved or reduced, if we consider ourselves as peaceful soul. Our problems, our thoughts, our possessions, our conflicts with others are temporary and fleeting but we (souls) are eternal. So be compassionate with the fellow beings thinking that we are peaceful souls on eternal journey. With this kind of mindset, not only you will feel Okay with hard people but your own life will be blissful…. Sorry, I have gone a little bit stoic but if one can venture stoicism, life can be amazing.
Carrie-Ann Orser says
See, I would have been really upset but not rude to those bullies and your advice really hit the nail on the head! Thank you! Right at the right time and I have been reacting in a way that I do not want to and do not want to be that person! I will definitely practice being mindful that it is not my issue. Funny because a friend of mine was helping me change my room around and I said: “Wait for me to move the dresser because I do not want the mirror to fall and break!” What does he do try to move it alone saying I just want to see if I can. Well lucky I caught it in time fast reflex. But he done the same thing will a wall unit and 3 glass shelves, smash smash
smash. Lucky my neighbor gave me 3 the exact size. Hard not to be upset but I was provided for to fix it. Yes, God and the Universe and Angels are there. 3 glass shelves the exact size. Amazing! So I should be mindful because things do work out and it is better for health and makes me a better person, the one I want to be! Thank you again and have a great day!
Paul Henzey says
Words of wisdom. I’m going to read this post a few times. Well thought out and written! Marc and Angel, your blog postings are one-of-a-kind, just the very best out there. The way you combine mindfulness techniques, positive cognitive approaches, and heartfelt sincerity, compassion, and love with plain ole common sense is simply wonderful. I too look forward to your emails each day. Thank you for all that you give to others!
Regina says
Everything is connected; we are One…
As I forgive and love my imperfections I can love people as they are and more clearly see them without my limiting projections. I appreciate you and your relationship, Marc and Angel. Thank you for being my Guides…even though you probably didn’t even know you are. You are beautiful…
Ellen Riley says
Hello Marc and Angel,
I was bullied in elementary and high school. I was the oldest of four siblings and the smallest. Being shy didn’t help either. I tried to ignore them, but they got right up in my face, blocking me from what I was doing. Rather than say a nasty remark back to them, I asked them to please take my lunch tray, empty trash and return it to the bin. They walked away quickly and only tried to harrass me one more time and I did the same request. They moved to another table and never bothered me again. I used similar techniques in other situations, and I always won. You told your son the truth about toxic people. He’s young and has two of the best role models anyone could want.
Jessica says
A large thank you to your post for helping me to reflect and ponder on how to deal with people and relationships. Sometimes we receive mean comments and opinions that differ from ours, and it’s easy to feel frustrated and get drown by overwhelming feelings. Yet, more often than not, what other people has said is not real—it’s not their actual meaning. We tend to view it as negative because we take it too personally. How to strike a balance between emotion and sensitivity is a tough challenge, but a must-learnt lesson that should be constantly reminded of.
Jen says
Thank you for sharing!
Dealing with difficult people is not easy, especially when you or a loved one are targeted.
Something I practice and encourage my son to do as well is compassion for the other person’s pain, remembering that so often the bullying or hurtful attack really has nothing to do with me. Whether expressed silently after the conflict or directly during the encounter I offer a variation of this: “I am sorry for the pain steering your actions. May you realize inflicting pain on others will not bring resolution of yours so that you invest that energy in healing and peace.”
Kate says
I had a situation where someone I don’t know was angry with something I did (and probably rightly so). I offered to talk about it, and address this person’s concerns but they weren’t having it. Under different fake social media accounts (and by telephone), they continued to harass me. Since I was partially in the wrong (and felt bad about it), I allowed this person to continue harassing me. I finally said my piece months later (I was still direct but civil and compassionate) and voila, the harassment stopped.
David says
For the greater part of my life, I’ve shied away from confrontations and from strongly opinionated people. But recently, having to live in a situation with a person like that, I’ve learned to take a stand and to not allow myself to be intimidated. I still shy away from anything that’s controversial, but I do my best to be positive, strong and true. The moral for me being, difficult situations can often strengthen character. Thanks for the great essay. Hugs.
Anne High says
Wow, it seems this issue comes up with family members.,especially in today’s wildly divisive atmosphere. So many contemptuous thoughts in today’s world are relayed via social media platforms. I received a “slam” this week from a sister in-law . Easy to make a slam when delivered through a keyboard. I flew around the kitchen and so wanted to respond in kind to her. I decided to keep busy, breathe and let the angry minutes turn into an hour. I decided ignoring was the best response for my peace of mind. I also decided to ” consider the source” of the comment and decided it was not worth responding to her. Is that self preservation on my part ; am I being unkind and judgmental of her or maybe I really don’t care. Thankfully my brother and she live 1800 miles away. Ultimately it is my brother who matters and I am not going to continue building the wall of contempt and strain that relationship. Thank you for reading.
Avoid says
Thank you so much, Marc and Angel.
This article speaks directly to the situation I am in.
I hope to work on it so that it does not affect me.
I was sure that Monday, 24 August would be the day I resign, but I am not going to do so.
Thank you for sharing things that truly exist in our lives.
Ramji Yadav says
If someone comes to you to fight only for whatsoever reason, be loving, compassionate and show kind gestures to him, he will immediately loose his powers to fight. In fact he will be perplexed, what to do next.