Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.
Letting go of a toxic friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend is one thing, and there’s plenty of advice out there for doing so. But what about letting go of a toxic family member?
Most of us are not in a position to just walk away, nor do we feel that we want to. And it might not be the right thing to do either. So what can we do when a family member is literally spoiling our lives with their toxicity? How do we deal with our feelings of obligation, confusion, betrayal, and heartache?
First and foremost, you must accept the fact that not everyone’s family is healthy or available for them to lean on, to call on, or to go home to. Not every family tie is built on the premise of mutual respect, love, and support. Sometimes “family” simply means that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some family members build us up, and some break us down. So just because someone is blood-related to you, doesn’t automatically make them the healthiest influence in your life.
Second, you must understand that a toxic family member may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically struggling, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their troubles, you may still need to protect yourself from their toxic behavior at times).
The bottom line is that every case of dealing with a toxic family member is a little different, but in most cases there are some essential principles worth remembering, for your own sake:
1. They may not be an inherently bad person, but they’re also not the right person to spend time with every day.
Not all toxic family relationships are agonizing and uncaring on purpose. Some of them involve people who care about you — people who have good intentions but are toxic because their needs and way of existing in the world force you to compromise yourself and your happiness. And as hard as it is, we have to distance ourselves enough to give ourselves space to live. You simply can’t ruin yourself on a daily basis for the sake of someone else.
You have to make your well-being a priority too. Whether that means spending less time with someone, loving a family member from a distance, letting go for awhile, or temporarily removing yourself from a particular situation that feels painful, you have every right to leave and create some healthy space for yourself.
2. Toxic people often hide cleverly behind passive aggression.
Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a nonverbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. Instead of openly expressing how they feel, someone makes subtle yet annoying gestures directed at you. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting them, they’ll find small and petty ways to take jabs at you until you pay attention and get upset. And sometimes it’s so subtle that you may not even immediately realize why you’re upset.
In a healthy relationship, a loved one won’t feel the need to hide behind passive aggression in order to express what they are thinking. So just do your best to be aware of passive aggression from family members when you experience it, and if the other person refuses to reason with you, and continues their behavior, you may have no choice but to create some of that space discussed above in point number one.
3. They may try to bully you and hold you back.
We always hear about schoolyard bullies, but the biggest bullies are often toxic family members. And bullying is never OK. Period! There is no freedom on earth that gives someone the right to assault who you are as a person. Sadly, some people just won’t be happy until they’ve pushed your ego to the ground and stomped on it. What you have to do is have the nerve to stand up for yourself. Don’t give them endless leeway. Nobody has the power to make you feel small unless you give them that power.
It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your family and friends. Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places. Be cognizant of how the people closest to you treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw. When necessary, confront them — do whatever it takes to give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.
4. Pretending their relentless toxic behavior is OK is not OK.
If you’re not careful, toxic family members can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because, well, it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their rhetoric. Don’t be fooled. Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this. Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing. Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior.
Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for someone’s continued belligerence. Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. If someone in your family is mentally stable and over the age of 21, and can’t be a reasonable, reliable, respectful adult on a regular basis, it’s time to remove yourself from the line of fire.
5. You do not have to neglect yourself just because they do.
Practice self-care every day. Seriously, if you’re forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to rest and recuperate. Having to play the role of a focused, rational adult in the face of toxic moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you…
Toxic family members can keep you up at night as you constantly question yourself:
- “Am I doing the right thing?”
- “Am I really so terrible that they despise me so much?”
- “I can’t BELIEVE she did that! I’m so hurt!”
Thoughts like those can agonize you for weeks, months, or even years. Sometimes that’s the goal of a toxic family member: to drive you mad and make you out to be the crazy one. Because oftentimes they have no idea why they feel the way they do, and they can’t see beyond their own emotional needs, hence their relentless toxic communication and actions. And since you can’t control what they do, it’s important to take care of yourself so that you can remain centered, feeling healthy and ready to live positively in the face of their negativity when you must — mindfulness, meditation, prayer, and regular exercise work wonders!
6. If their toxic behavior becomes physical, it’s a legal matter that must be addressed.
If you’ve survived the wrath of a physical abuser in your family, and you tried to reconcile things… if you forgave, and you struggled, and even if the expression of your grief had you succumb to outbursts of toxic anger… if you spent years hanging on to the notions of trust and faith, even after you knew in your heart that those beautiful intangibles, upon which love is built and sustained, would never be returned… and especially if you stood up as the barrier between an abuser and someone else, and took the brunt of the abuse in their place, you are a HERO! But now it’s time to be the hero of your future. Enough is enough! If someone is physically abusive, they are breaking the law and they need to deal with the consequences of their actions.
7. Although it’s hard, you can’t take their toxic behavior personally.
When a person is being obviously toxic, it’s them, not you. Know this. Toxic family members will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong. And because the feeling guilty button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Don’t let this happen to you. Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection.
8. Hating them for being toxic only brings more toxicity into your life.
As Gandhi once said, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” Regardless of how despicable a family member has acted, never let hate build in your heart. Fighting hatred with hatred only hurts you more. When you decide to hate someone, you automatically begin digging two graves: one for your enemy and one for yourself.
Hateful grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is for those who are strong enough and smart enough to move on. After all, the best revenge is to be unlike the person who hurt you. The best revenge is living well, in a way that creates peace in your heart.
9. People can change, and some toxic family relationships can be repaired in the long run.
When trust is broken, which happens in a lot of family relationships at some point, it’s essential to understand that trust can be repaired, provided both people are willing to do the hard work of self-growth. In fact, it’s at this time, when it feels like the solid bedrock of your relationship has crumbled into dust, that you’re being given an opportunity to shed the negative patterns and dynamics with each other that haven’t been serving you. It’s painful work and a painful time, and the impulse will be to walk away, especially if you believe that broken trust cannot be repaired. But if you understand that trust levels rise and fall over the course of a lifetime, you’ll be more likely to find the strength to hang in, hang on, and grow together. But it does take two. You can’t do it alone. (Note: Marc and I discuss this more in “1,000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships”.)
10. Sadly, sometimes all you can do is let go for good.
All details aside, this is YOUR life. You may not be able to control all the things toxic family members do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them in the long run. You can decide not to let their actions and opinions continuously invade your heart and mind. And above all, you can decide whom to walk beside into tomorrow, and whom to leave behind today.
In a perfect world we would always be able to fix our relationships with toxic family members, but as you know, the world isn’t perfect. Put in the effort and do what you can to keep things intact, but don’t be afraid to let go and do what’s right for YOU when you absolutely must. Life is too short.
Now it’s your turn…
I challenge you to put the short reminders in this article to good use — to tune in to your better judgement and improve the way you cope with toxic family relationships and circumstances, so you can feel more centered in the days and weeks ahead.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
What are your experiences with toxic family members? What have you done to cope with their toxic behavior?
(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)
Photo by: Patricia Bru
Sheila says
I always get so much out of reading your emails and articles, but even more so today.
We have been struggling for the past 3+ years to help our adult daughter with her issues, but the past 13 months have been a nightmare at times. We are going through a “calm” period at the moment, but we know through past experience things will go back to how they have been.
Your article made me realize just how toxic she has been and that I have to look after myself too. But it’s hard, she’s our daughter, we love her, but at 21 we have to consider that she maybe better being independent, but letting her know we are there if she needs us, I need my sanity back!
Thanks again for your though provoking & inspiring articles.
Cynthia Ortego says
I let go! She is 41 now & chooses her life style. Read The Serenity Prayer. Cynthia
Jane says
Perfect timing. I am in the process of letting go of a toxic relationship with my brother. My parents fell ill over the past few years and subsequently died and he could not have cared less. Until money became involved. He stood by and watched me give up a career, a life in the U.S., a home, friends and go back to the country I was born in to take care of my mother and subsequently her estate. Someone had to do it but it would have been much easier with two people. I don’t regret doing it for my mother but I certainly don’t want any kind of relationship with him. As time is starting to pass so does my memory of him. He is not somebody I would want as a friend let alone a family member. Thanks for posting this.
Boitumelo says
Thank you for tackling un-facebook’able and un-instagram’able aspects of our lives. Knowing that realities such as having to live with toxic family members are not these worse secrets that we to carry to our graves is a relief. Knowing that the confusion, split loyalties, guilt, shame can be dealt with in a manner that is loving to oneself is beautiful knowledge. These reminders help me. Thank you!
Melissa Wilson says
Thanks for this. It seems like one of the hardest things to deal with is when a family member is toxic for us. We either feel obligated to have them in our lives or we have no choice but to see them everyday. The best thing that I have found for dealing with someone like this is to have boundaries in place. Avoid talking to them about certain things if you know they are going to be critical or visit and speak with them less often. It’s not always easy, but just because someone is a family member does not mean that we have to be subject to their toxicity.
Ada Jones says
I totally agree with this article and it is very well set out. I have brother who is 3 years younger than me. He has absolutely no respect for me and is always rewarded for not changing. It’s an absolute disgrace there is an excuse for everything he does. He has this disgusting passive-aggressive approach, even when I talk to him he has this get away from me talk. Very defensive and unwelcoming and has no time for me even though I am older than him. There is absolutely no way he can change, he is encouraged to act that way by my parents and other siblings. Everything he does, it is me who apparently started it and I’m considered evil and ‘crazy’ because I ‘start’ everything. Just fills me with very negative energy and I don’t know how to deal with him because quite frankly I am fighting a losing battle there is no way you can win.
Anita Khan says
Its the same with my sister and I. She’s 3 years younger and we are both in our 30’s and I’ve absolutely had enough. In public she is lovely, but as soon as she is home the negativity kicks in and usually its targeted at me. She has a problem with everyone else and it can be something as little as being looked at for a split second on the train. With something like that, my response is that everyone usually looks at everyone on the train. She was looking as well otherwise how would she have known. This is a regular complaint. Also she currently has a problem with my skincare routine, and thinks its a waste of money, and that hers is better. I explained that our skin types are different and actually it works for me. I didn’t want to argue about something that was none of her business, so left the room. Later in the evening, I caught her bitching about it to my mum, and just asked her to mind her own business. A little later she had a full blown outburst with my mum and I almost had to call an ambulance. When I asked what happened, the response was that it was my fault. This continued with a chain of insults including calling me a failure, selfish, stupid, jealous etc She couldn’t understand why I was rightfully angry with her. I was angry because she physically harmed my mum. She had the audacity to call me sick and vile. It is clear from the events, that she is the problem. But in the end, somehow it was all my fault even though I had nothing to do with the argument. She is judgemental, narcissistic, toxic and incapable of taking responsibility for her own actions. I would leave, but I don’t want to leave my mum alone with her. And mum won’t kick her out, for reasons unbeknownst to me!
Leigh B. says
Three years ago, my sister and I had an argument, and I decided to end 50+ years of abuse and misery by not reconciling with her. With her went some of my other my family – her children and grandchildren, whom I love dearly. I cannot begin to describe how incredibly painful this has been, and how many people believe that I am the problem, not her. Toxic people are often Jekyll-and-Hyde; so nice to the rest of the world, and so awful behind closed doors. Worst of all, many friends and relatives do not understand that she and I have never had a classic sibling relationship; we have been fighting since day one. But they judge my decision on the basis of the good relationships they had with their siblings, and continually tell me I will regret this. I can’t talk about it with other relatives, so I seldom talk to them. All I know is that for the rest of my life, I want to be free of her drama, her lies, her victimhood (for which I have been cast in the role of perpetrator), and her abuse of other people in our lives. It’s about what I want my future to be, and not retribution for the past. But there is no procedural manual for a mess like this. What will happen if I show up to certain funerals? What will happen if I don’t? What am I obligated to tell her about other relatives she’s never bothered to maintain contact with? It’s a never-ending problem; I can’t get rid of it completely. I can only minimize its impact on my life, and that’s what I’m working on. Good reminders here for sure.
Hilary Diack says
HI Leigh I can well understand what pain you have suffered at the expense of a manipulative, toxic person. I have adult twin daughters. One of them is very toxic, the other is an enabler. I have endured a relationship with them for years but am now at the end of my tether and emotionally distraught. It is very sad but for the sake of my own mental health and well being I have to cut ties. It is not a fixable problem as you well know. There are always bridges to cross in a situation like this and the pain is always in the background because people judge and most do not understand as they have not experienced such a situation. I sincerely hope you will feel better in the coming months and years and learn to live free of guilt and remorse. I know how hard it is and how heartbreaking.
Katie says
My sister in law is completely toxic, a narcissistic nightmare. I’ve learnt you can’t win with these people. Manipulative, self-absorbed bullies, with no concern of others feelings aside her own. They cause you nothing but heartache as you work tirelessly to make them happy while they tear you down at every opportunity and never want to share in any joy you have.
I am yet to master how to deal with my sister in law but I’ve given up after trying to reach out to forgive, forget and move forward. These people do not change, do not apologise and twist it round on you and make out you’re the problem. What I’ve started doing is not rising to it when she’s goading my husband and I because that gives them power.
I think the only option for is for my husband and I to cut out my sister in law. BUT, is this even possible without coming off as the villain to other family members? (Particularly mother in law)
Why is it that her mother cannot see it and doesn’t challenge her appalling behavior? MIL often sits by while SIL is going off on one (and I’m sitting there in disbelief) then when SIL walks off in a temper, MIL makes ridiculous excuses for her.
Will her mother (and other family member that think the sun shines out of her butt) ever get to experience what we see? I.e. Eventually will someone like my sister-in-law ever out herself? I guess time will tell.
J says
In my case, the toxic person in the family feels they are the victim; not the other way around. Creating havoc, dysfunction, cruelty, and abuse within the family as a child, adolescent, and adult and then continuing with close extended family members (in-laws, nieces and nephews), causing such hurt, it became all too much for the rest of us leading to having to turn our backs on this person. Once that happened, this member went to other family members (aunts, uncles and cousins)with the sob story of how cruel we have always been to them leading to those family members taking this person’s side. This has caused a great divide within the entire extended family structure and, while there is a mourning period for the loss of these people, my immediate family has come to two realizations; our every day lives are much more peaceful and filled with love, and those family members who have taken this person’s side, without any effort to know the real story (and that is the case with most of them) are really not worth seeking out to maintain relationships with them as well.
While I have come to terms for the most part with the situation, reading this article and the comments have really helped a great deal so I thank the author for writing this (the passive/aggression side of it is so true in my case and really is the weapon of choice continuing to this day with the postings on social media against my immediate family). I also thank the commenters who have bravely poured out their hearts here. It is helpful to know and brings affirmation that sometimes what one has to do to remain “sane” is the right course of action and that it is much more common than you would think.
SB says
Cutting to the chase… I am “the pretty sister who’s smart & has a great! personality”. This is my sisters belief… the vain of her existence. I can admit that I am pretty… smart…. great sense of humor… now after 30+ yrs of living. I’ve been told this my entire life.
Quick examples of her deep seated jealousy of me:
1. over the yrs I gained weight. I finally decided to lose it. I got serious & lost a lot of weight. I encouraged her to join me (she’s bigger than me). She refused. I later learn she asked to be prescribed water pills for quick weight loss. IT’S ALWAYS LIKE THAT WHATEVER I DO POSITIVE SHE THINKS IT TAKES AWAY FROM HER.
2. I made new friends over the yrs. She’d dislike the person for some imagined reason & successfully turn my other sisters against my new friends. She’d accuse me of changing when that person came around. She’d have horrible energy & vibes around the person until I would unfriend the person. NOT ANYMORE. I HAVE FRIENDS THAT SHE HATES & I LOVE THEM STILL.
3. I am six one. She is five seven. We have the same parents. She adamantly accuses my mom of lying about her paternity because I’m much prettier than her. I’m tall. My hair grows longer. I have a diff texture hair than she does. My teeth are straighter. MY DAD SHOULD’VE BEEN A MODEL. MY MOM IS SHORT WITH GORGEOUS SKIN & CHEEKBONES. I AM A COMBO OF THEM. SHE IS MY MOM’S TWIN.
I’m tired of tempering my words, accomplishments, shrinking for her! I’m hurt so hurt that she’s so insanely jealous of everything about me. It makes me sick to think about it. She criticizes everything I do but she does it with a smile. She’s so toxic – literally! I noticed a pattern of when she suggests to us, at a girls night, a certain food or drink, that the food makes me sick, the liquor is too potent, I literally become ill the next day. Literally!
She’s very angry at me (really all ppl) & if the surface is scratched she blows up on me. I defend myself yet it catches me off guard because it’s unexpected & I have no idea why she’s so angry with me. She got pregnant by a man she only new for four weeks at age 19. Of course, he turned out to be a dead beat who is in prison for murder as I type. My kids dad was amazing super remarkable superb! Facts. She’s angry at me & throw jabs at me because I wasn’t a single mother.
A few weeks ago, I decided to distance myself from her. And I’m much happier! now, she is angry because she feels me pulling away. IDC.
I want her far away from me. Envy can be a very dangerous thing. And I fear her actions. I see the anger & dislike of me in her eyes.
So it’s goodbye for the foreseeable future.
Louiusa says
Bravo for you! I’m in the same exact situation. Literally. I blocked her out of my life for the past 3 months. Don’t miss her at all, and I’m considering my options for the long-term too.
Lindsey says
I am dealing with this now. I have a younger sister who I feel is toxic. Maybe not to everyone in our family, but to me, definitely.
We used to be very close when she was a child. That started to change when she hit puberty, and changed dramatically for the worse after our parents divorced. Mostly because of the laissez-faire approach that my mom has taken to raising her by since the divorce (in my opinion, anyway), she’s become very entitled, moody, and domineering—which she’s basically been allowed to get away with for years, not just by my mom, but by me too. Being someone who tries to be easygoing and avoid trouble, I’ve taken to just letting her go on and take the blame for things at times.
I’ve been living with her and my mom for about a year now (long story). During that time, I’ve tried to just mind my own business and let her mind hers. But we’ve fallen into a cycle. We have periods where we get along all right, but those gradually fade into periods where I can step into the room and I can just feel her immense irritation with me, like she’s just waiting for an excuse to jump all over me. It’s usually during one of these periods that something explosive happens. This is how it usually goes: she finds fault with something minor that I’ve done, whether I meant to or not (and I usually don’t), she confronts me, I apologize, she won’t just accept it and accuses me of making excuses when I try to explain my side of it, I tell her she’s out of line for saying things like that, she says I’m oversensitive (among other things), and we don’t talk for a while until the cycle starts all over again.
A few days ago, this happened with us. After two days of trying to get my feelings and thoughts in order, I was going to let her have it—all the anger and frustration I had toward her. But then I decided the only way to stop this was to just cut my losses and bow out. I told her, with as much respect and calm as I could while still being firm, that while we seem to bring out the worst in each other, I am not the only one to blame; that it would be in our best interests to simply leave each other alone completely, at least for now; and that if she ever decides she wants to work on our issues, I will be glad to meet her halfway. I did this just today, in fact.
It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make, and I can already tell that I’m going to be second-guessing myself a lot in the days ahead. I do love her, and I do want us to get along, but I just can’t handle the emotional havoc she wreaks on my life right now.
Kara says
Hi Lindsey!
Thanks for sharing! I can tell you are a sweet kind-hearted person!
I can relate to you. My situation is a bit different but there are lots of similarities. It sounds as though she is projecting how she feels about herself onto you. Blaming things on you, holding anger towards you…etc. It sounds as though she has something underlining going on such as emotional pain. Maybe due to the family dynamic and pressures. It is perfectly fine to express how you really feel towards your sister.
The best approach I find is to do everything with love and kindness. Sometimes it can be hard in certain situations and you may even have to just walk away from people or situations. Everyone has to take full responsibility of their own life. I believe you made a good choice as to distancing yourself from your sister. I would try not to feel guilty about it. You are doing what is best for you and there is nothing wrong with doing just that. Besides, you can love your sister from afar and not communicate.
I hope this helps!
Kara
Lucinda W says
Great article, but a lot of the suggestions are about dealing with passive aggression or bullying behavior. I have three adult siblings, and one of them refuses to take responsibility for herself, her finances, or her life — even in her sixties. She claims to have a variety of mysterious illnesses that keep her from working or taking care of her financial needs. But we all know she is perfectly capable, and her main problem is not knowing how to manage money. She depends on our elderly parents to subsidize her needs, and she expects the rest of us to pay the bills when we all go out to a restaurant. Because she is “poor,” she says, we are expected to cover for her financially. Her kids aren’t much help and play along with the charade. It’s hard for me to respect her for playing on our emotions, emotional blackmail, and I really find that distancing myself from her is the best way to deal with it. She is constantly asking for help and support, and never expresses any interest in us.
David Cleroux says
Because of some necessary decisions that I’ve made in the past and negative information from others, I’ve ended up being ostracized for the most part, from some of the people that I love. Although not entirely my fault, I’ve found myself in a state of limbo as to being of help to them anymore. Some have turned out to be a bit “toxic” and paradoxically I didn’t have to make the decision about being in contact with them, as they decided to cut me off and no longer talk with me.
I still pray to be back in contact and to be reconciled with them some day, but I can’t see that happening anytime in the near future. Maybe in times of great trouble and through intermediaries it may happen, but only time will tell.
I’m grateful for you covering the subject in this essay. Hugs.
Anne High says
Thank you today’s very pertinent topic. I never thought I would be looking at this very concept with either friends or family. With friends who are close by you can just ignore the topic or remove yourself. With family it might not be so easy. The subtle slam or passive aggressive subtle statement is difficult for me as I want to know why this type of behavior started. Did I do something wrong? You see, I fall in to that category of guilt, tell me what I did or did not do and why don’t people like me. A struggle.
Ramji Yadav says
The best suggestion is point number 8: so, I shall read it several times and try to practice it regularly.
“Hating them for being toxic only brings more toxicity into your life.
As Gandhi once said, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” Regardless of how despicable a family member has acted, never let hate build in your heart. Fighting hatred with hatred only hurts you more. When you decide to hate someone, you automatically begin digging two graves: one for your enemy and one for yourself.
Hateful grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is for those who are strong enough and smart enough to move on. After all, the best revenge is to be unlike the person who hurt you. The best revenge is living well, in a way that creates peace in your heart.
Avoid Kayiboni says
Thank you, Marc and Angel. These articles really help, and they remind me of my toxic family once upon a time, as well as a roommate awhile back. Before I knew what “letting go” meant, I struggled my whole life — it destroyed my happiness and my joy. The solution was simply to move away from them and decide not to speak with them unless there is a special opportunity or message.
Julie Smith says
Thank you Marc and Angel for this wonderful article on toxic family members. I really needed to read that. I enjoy all your articles. I have 3 adult children youngest is 35 and oldest is 41 and my oldest son is extremely spoiled and toxic and full of drama. Their father and i divorced 20 years ago and their dad involved them in our relationship and the divorce. My oldest has been extremely spoiled his whole life by his father and grandfather that he is extremely hard to be around. He thinks he’s the only one on this planet. He’s been a professional athlete from age 16 to age 36 and has a sense of entitlement that is unreal. He suffers from emotional and physical pain due to all the broken bones he’s had in his career as a motorcycle racer. I have since remarried and I continue to try and establish a relationship with him but he never responds. He’s had a number of failed relationships and struggles with alcohol and drugs. He’s also a successful tattoo artist and has so much to be thankful for but all he can focus on is his problems. He continues to disappoint me he tells me we’ll start with weekly phone conversations and that doesn’t happen and for the first time this year he completely forget my birthday. No call, no text, nothing. He doesn’t like my husband because my husband sees right thru his shenanigans and the only thing I can do is keep telling myself he’s ill (mentally) and needs help and he doesnt have the compassion to give regardless. I love him so much hes my first born and i have a hole in my heart where he used to be. I miss him and there’s nothing I can do except watch the train wreck from afar. If you could share any thoughts it would be greatly appreciated
Julie Smith
Alvin, Texas
Thomas J. Rickert says
Only recently, I have realized I must be the golden child. I am the oldest of my siblings, and have been the recipient of all the perks and benefits my mother wanted to provide, which virtually guaranteed my career success. Ever since undergraduate school, I knew I wanted to become a professor and with my mother’s total devotion to my success, it made sense. Along the way, we grew to be very close and she still means so much to me. This eventually led me to where I am today, Purdue University. Reflecting back I recall that all I really had to do in order to receive this love and support was to carry out every request she made regarding my younger brother. He was her scapegoat.
I never thought about it when we were kids, but my mother always hated my younger brother Just one example out of many is I remember when he was about 8 years old, for some reason, she made him eat his dinner off the floor while the rest of us watched from the dinner table. I remember thinking I’m glad it wasn’t me. There was a lot more though, like she would constantly talk about him horribly behind his back to his teachers and really anyone who would listen, so even from a very young age, he must have wondered why other adults seemed to immediately dislike him. She continued to do that for years well into his adulthood, and everyone in the family has never mentioned a word of this to him as we were instructed not to. Everyone in our family, even our father, must have been afraid of my mother, and so did everything they could not to upset her. She had unquestioned authority in the family, that is for certain.
Regardless, over the years she was able to fine tune her use of her scapegoat and when he began high school, she took her treatment of him to a new level. She said she had a long talk with my sister and determined that he had sex with her. She said it happened in the house when we were all at home, which was weird since no one heard anyone scream or anything you would expect if something like that took place, but she said it happened. She didn’t mention it to him, but for the rest of us, she gave us instructions on how to treat him from that time forward. Looking back it is interesting that she didn’t file a police report, or take my sister to the doctor, and she has never gone to therapy, so it was never documented in any official capacity. What she wanted to do was carry out a long term plan of revenge and we were to participate as instructed. She began by spreading rumors to all his friends, all our relatives, and everyone in town that he was an abusive pedophile rapist, but make sure not to tell him because he could become dangerous. She told the school principal to let all the teachers at the school know. It was a little strange, but she would always laugh when she told the rest of us about who she spread the rumor to next. I remember this continued after he went to college, the same college I attended. She asked me to spread the rumor all around campus even before he started his first semester, and I did exactly that. Some said that was betraying my brother and other people who liked him said why would you do that, your brother is a nice person. I said I was supporting my mother, and that is the right thing to do. I asked him one time about it, he said it wasn’t true. He said he wanted to take a lie detector test, but he wanted my mother to also take one. What a joke, that would never happen, I just dropped the whole subject and didn’t mention that to anyone. I wasn’t about to take that information back to my mother, it was just easier for me.
My goal was to become a college professor, so I went along with all of it, you just get used to it as time passes. When he went off to work, she would get me to find out where he worked, and she would call his employers and tell them what a horrible person he is. It must have had some impact and he never knew my mother and I were secretly working against him like that. My mother would laugh at the thought of him getting horrible treatment from his coworkers due to her handiwork, she said someday he will need therapy or worse. All these years have passed and I don’t know where he is now, he doesn’t communicate with the family. So, there are positive aspects to having a mother with narcissistic personality disorder, which I found lacking in how people discuss their upbringing. I didn’t think growing up with her was bad for me and still don’t. It actually worked great for me. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made and at times, that is the way my mother wanted it to be, it was best not to question it. Point is, look at me today, I have a prestigious position that I worked for and deserve. And my mother is very proud of me being a leader in the English Department at Purdue University.
Thomas J. Rickert