In a relationship, selfishness and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.
This morning I saw a middle-aged woman slam the car door in her husband’s face and storm off into a grocery store. Then an hour later I couldn’t help but notice two 20-something friends sitting next to me at a local coffee shop, the man staring down at his phone the entire time his friend shared with him her concerns about some seemingly complicated family matters. And just now I came across someone’s rant on social media about their significant other that concluded with, “ALL MEN are exactly the same!”
Most of us have likely done similar things at some point too, because relationships aren’t easy, and sometimes we get distracted or upset and then we make mistakes. In fact, let’s be honest, we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another. None of us are immune to occasional missteps and mood swings. But that doesn’t excuse what we do to each other.
With practice, we can do better.
Over the years, through our coaching practice, courses, and live events, Angel and I have worked with hundreds of individuals and couples looking to fix their difficult relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to make this happen. One of the most significant realizations is the fact that almost all the drama within struggling relationships (both intimate and platonic) arise from the same toxic habits and behavioral patterns. I’m sharing them with you today in hopes that doing so will help you catch yourself in the act, so you can course-correct when necessary.
1. Giving the silent treatment.
Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc. All variations of the silent treatment don’t just remove the other person from the argument you’re having with them, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship you have with them.
When you’re ignoring someone, you’re really teaching them to live without you. If that’s what you want, be clear about it. And if not, it’s time to change your approach!
2. Using hateful gestures as a substitute for honest communication.
Frequent name-calling, threats, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, hostile teasing, etc. In whatever form, gestures like these are toxic to a relationship because they convey hate. And it’s virtually impossible to resolve a relationship dispute when the other person is constantly receiving the message that you hate them.
Also, keep in mind that if someone you love makes a mistake and you choose to forgive them, your actions must reinforce your words. In other words, don’t continuously use their past wrongdoings to justify your present righteousness. When you constantly use someone’s past wrongdoings to make yourself seem “better” than them — “I’m better than you because, unlike you, I didn’t do XYZ in the past.” — it’s a lose-lose situation.
Replace the toxicity with positive communication. Because the truth is, if you’re throwing hateful gestures at a person instead of communicating with them, there’s a good chance they don’t even know why you’re being so mean. And when communication between two people isn’t open and honest, there’s also a lot of important stuff that never gets said.
3. Using complaints and disagreements as opportunities to condemn each other.
Complaints are OK. Disagreements are generally OK too. These are natural, honest reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior. But when complaints and disagreements spiral out of control into global attacks on the person’s character, and not on their decisions or behavior, it spells trouble. For example: “They didn’t call me when they said they would because they were busy and forgot, but because they are a horrible, wretched person!”
Remember, there’s a big difference between who someone is and what they sometimes do.
4. Denying responsibility for your role in a relationship.
When you deny responsibility in every relationship dispute, all you’re really doing is blaming the other person. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem here is never me, and it’s always you.” This denial of accountability just escalates every argument, because there’s a complete and utter breakdown of communication.
The key thing to understand is that you have a choice. Either you’re choosing to be in a relationship with another person, or you aren’t. If you’re choosing to be in, then you are responsible for it. Denying this means you’re giving up all your power to the other person — you’re their puppet or victim, regardless of the circumstances (positive or negative), because you’ve given them 100% of the responsibility for the relationship that you have with them.
So remember, even when the behavior driving a relationship dispute belongs to the other person, the only way to find common ground, or simply create more healthy space for yourself, is to first own the fact that you are 50% responsible the relationship at all times. Once you do, you have the power to make progress one way or another.
5. Using emotional blackmail.
Emotional blackmail happens when you apply an emotional penalty against someone if they don’t do exactly what you want them to do. The key condition here is that they change their behavior against their will as a result of the emotional blackmail. In other words, absent the emotional blackmail they would live differently, but they fear the penalty — and the drama — and so they give in. This is an extremely unhealthy relationship behavior.
The solution, again, relies heavily on better communication. There should not be a penalty, just an honest conversation. If two people care about each other and want to maintain a healthy relationship, they absolutely need to be “allowed” to openly communicate all of their feelings to each other — their true feelings — not just the perfectly agreeable ones. If this is not allowed or supported by one or both people involved in the relationship — if one or both people fear punishment for their honesty — lies and deceit will gradually replace love and trust. (Read “Emotional Blackmail”.)
6. Keeping secrets.
Being honest is the only way to be at peace with yourself and those you care about. Trust is the bedrock of every healthy relationship, and when trust is broken it takes a long time and commitment on the part of both parties involved to repair it and heal. The key thing to remember here is that secrets can be just as deceitful as openly telling a lie.
All too often I’ll hear a coaching client say something like, “I didn’t tell him but I didn’t lie about it, either.” This statement is a contradiction, as omissions and secrets are lies. If you’re covering up your tracks or withholding the truth in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth comes out and trust in the relationship completely breaks down. So speak the whole truth, always.
7. Neglecting a relationship the minute things get hard.
When your marriage, friendship, parenting, etc. gets difficult, it’s not an immediate sign that you’re doing it wrong. These intimate, intricate relationships are toughest when you’re doing them right — when you’re dedicating time, having the tough conversations, and making daily sacrifices.
Healthy, long-tern relationships are always amazing, but rarely easy 24/7. Resisting the hard times and seeing them as immediate evidence that something is wrong or that you’re with the wrong person only intensifies the difficulties. By contrast, finding the patience and mindfulness to view the challenges as an opportunity to work together will give your relationship the energy and strength needed to transcend the problems and grow even stronger in the long run.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to practice. If you can relate to any of these toxic relationship habits, remember that you aren’t alone. We all harbor some unhealthy behavioral patterns that have the potential to sneak up on us sometimes. As mentioned above, the key is awareness — practice recognizing these tendencies and then course-correcting when necessary.
And before you go we would love to hear from YOU.
Which point mentioned above resonates with you the most right now?
Please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive two new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Patrick Hades says
M&A, your emails and blog posts have been nothing short of amazing lately! This one is such valuable reference for anyone in a relationship of any kind. There’s actually a married couple I’ve known for well over a decade that’s in the process of divorcing because their relationship fits several of these of these behaviors to a T. It’s so sad, and yet I saw it coming.
I’ve been married for 28 years, and it’s because my wife and I work on it, and compromise, and communicate daily. It’s worth the effort–it really is! I think this blog post could be a terrific exercise to sit down with my wife and say, “Let’s talk about these behaviors. Let’s be aware of them.”
Thank you guys!
Teya says
Such a perfect summary if important reminders for me, Angel and Marc. After attending your event in Orlando a few years ago, and using the self-inquiry tools you taught me, I gradually got a hold of my tendency of condemning my husband’s character. I was absolutely holding every one of his flawed character traits against him, and defining his entire character in my eyes by these traits that frustrated me. And everything I loved about him was just ignored. But not anymore. It’s taken me awhile to shift my thinking, but doing so has improved our relationship tremendously. I’ve learned to think and communicate more compassionately, and have healthier conversations that actually ease tension instead of creating more of it.
Jacqueline says
Thank you for some excellent relationship advice. I used to call my marriage “dysfunctional” but have stopped saying that word it’s so negative and brings things down even further. I am separated from my husband now and we both did a lot of things wrong. Trust and respect go a long way but sadly that was never built into our marriage. I think one reason was fear and not being true to myself. It has taken years for me to stand up for what i believe in and be true to myself. Sometimes when we are crushed inside, we have no voice and when asked “what do i want”…questions like that floored me. But thankfully i started to respect myself first and i think that is the beginning to any healthy future relationship.
Take care.
KC says
Excellent essay, as always. This one has really got me thinking again about how many of those behaviors happened in my marriage, and how I also want to make sure I don’t carry them into my current relationship. I now realize it wasn’t just one of us who was toxic–it certainly wasn’t just him. We both contributed to the mess and ultimately allowed all the petty toxicity to take the place of love and listening. And it all lead to a divorce that I never wanted. It takes two to be in a relationship–good or bad. None of us are perfect. I’ve sure learned that I need to be aware of the toxic stuff I’m giving as well as the toxic stuff I’m getting. Stopping such behaviors before they begin is hard, but important.
I don’t always comment on your posts, guys, but I do read them all and I own your 1000 Little Things book, and I’ve given it to friends and family as gifts. What you write is always such a blessing! Thank you, and I hope to see you at one of your live event sometime in the future.
M says
Thank you so much for this. I sometimes get so carried away in an argument, just because my partner did something I did not like or that hurt me. even when they try to apologize I just keep attacking and then give the silent treatment. I am hoping that keeping these points in mind will help me. I do not want to lose the love of my life.
Sindy says
I think another good point is that relationships are difficult enough without having a bunch of other people involved. While they might mean well, it usually only leads to misunderstandings. I personally feel that couples also need time alone together to truly connect and be able to reveal their true selves. I’m the guilty party here for not making time for the other person and I realize now how much that probably hurt, so I know I have to try harder.
It’s also important to note here that a lot of the times, our doubts are unfounded. The complaints aren’t always about them! The key here is direct communication and real connection, not just on paper. Give it a fighting chance! And sometimes compromise and meeting each other halfway also helps!
No guilt, no blackmail, no ultimatums, just a simple request for connection…
John Jurkiewicz says
In my line of work, I work with other people helping them identify and build their careers. I have been doing this for 18 years and I have found that when a personal relationship is toxic it clouds all of the other aspects of ones life including their career. I get a very uneasy sense when working with someone if their energy is strained or blocked. Until they find some peace in their relationship everything else remains out of balance. Thanks for this piece. I’ve shared it with my community
Becky says
The timing of this article could not be better! I was just looking for a couples coach in my area when this email showed up in my inbox.
My partner and I have been struggling for quite some time….3 years. Your articles on How to love someone who is grieving and How to love someone who is depressed helped me immensely. I am barely hanging on right now. We have zero communication and although he has agreed to counseling in the past, I think when it comes right down to it, he is going to resist. He has been through a lot and it has changed him so much and it has damaged our relationship. I feel like I am always giving and compromising and supporting him through his challenges, yet never getting anything in return. I feel very unloved, unappreciated and unwanted.
Petronella Mwape says
You are right I felt like that also. My husband was just like your husband, and not until I asked him for divorce did he start showing love. But it’s been difficult for me to tune my mind backwards for I already told myself this is it–the end of the road. Nevertheless this article has helped me.
Sandy says
This couldnt have come at a better time. Thank you!
My dysfunctional reaction to conflict has nearly cost me one of the most important relationships in my life. I can now see my part and choose to do something different. I appreciate your work and your generosity in offering this info through your emails and blogs.
Stan says
I recently discovered I was hurting someone’s feelings when I made what I thought was just playful little jabs at them. I honestly was just joking around, and didn’t realize they took the tease seriously. I am trying to replace this behavior with building the other person up when I can.
Now that I’m aware I was hurting someone I have stopped this practice with everyone as I didn’t want to be hurting anyone’s feelings. When you’ve done this for a long period of time it really is hard to change the behavior. The odd response I’ve received from some has been, “Aren’t you going to tease me about……?” Again, a good wake-up call for me.
Mary says
My deceased husband did this, but unfortunately never stopped even days before his death. Years of little hurts here and there and his comment was always…”you’re just too sensitive”
David says
I haven’t been in a relationship in a very long time, but I have earned a lot from past relationships and of course, this essay helps to emphasize what I’ve learned, thank you for it. One thing I’ve noticed about relating to others is that I haven’t been honest and open enough to really cultivate a “tight” relationship.
As for today and in any future relationships, the following paragraph applies for me.
“So remember, even when the behavior driving a relationship dispute belongs to the other person, the only way to find common ground, or simply create more healthy space for yourself, is to first own the fact that you are 50% responsible the relationship at all times. Once you do, you have the power to make progress one way or another.” Hugs.
Ramji Yadav says
Most of the times an individual is engaged in his own thoughts and work, though for females it’s not true, they care about all meant for them, so, because of self-centred atitude the opposite side feels like being ignored. Therefore, before this situation gets escalated to unmanageable level one should step-in and start applying the suggestions Marc and Angel suggested in this essay. Really all the points are very practical and powerful to practice on regular basis to have wonderful relationships with their loved ones.