10 Things You Do NOT Need to Be Happier in Life

Don’t wait until everything is just right; it will never be perfect.

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. I don’t think anything could be closer to the truth, and yet all too often we find ways of complicating things for ourselves. We look for happiness where it does not exist. Marc and I were unexpectedly reminded of this recently when we met a family of six staying at a hotel near our neighborhood…

We saw them hanging around outside the lobby, sharing stories and laughing together. As we walked by, Marc and I said hello to them and asked where they were from. “Oh, we’re from here,” the mother said. “Our house burned down to the ground yesterday, but miraculously all of us made it out safely. And that makes today a bit of a celebration for us.”

Talk about a wake-up call! Some people might say they had lost everything, and yet this family knew better — they knew they almost had it all. Because there really is nothing like joyful tears and deep breaths after a long, hard laugh with the people you love — nothing in the whole world like a sore stomach for the right reasons and a grateful heart to back it up. That’s a situation where happiness is surely found.

And of course there are plenty of other possible sources of happiness as well. But again, there are also lots of common traps — general desires and goals that we think will bring us happiness, but they do the exact opposite. Recognizing these traps is critical. So with that in mind, consider the ten points below. Each of them discusses a generally popular desire in our culture, and thus a common goal in our collective lives, but rather than contributing to our happiness, they deplete it.

So say it out loud with me:

“To be happier, you do NOT need…”

1. You do not need more control over everything.

You can’t calm life’s storms — what you can do is calm yourself, and the storms will gradually pass. Let that sink in. Sometimes we put too much energy into trying to control every tiny aspect of our lives. Learn to relax and ride down the path life takes you sometimes. Incredible change will happen in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you do not. And by freeing yourself from trying to control the uncontrollable things, you also open yourself up to experiencing more of the surprising goodness around you. In fact, some of the greatest joys are often the unexpected surprises that arrive when you are flexible and open to life’s twists and turns.

2. You do not need everything to be easy.

You have to do hard things to be happy in life. The things no one else is doing. The things that frighten you. The things others can’t do for you. The things that make you question how much longer you can hold on and push forward. Because those are the things that define you. Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living, between knowing the path and walking the path, between a life of mediocrity and a life filled with happiness and success.

3. You do not need absolute certainty and 100% guarantees.

Some people build too many walls in their lives and not enough bridges. It sounds crazy, but they would rather be comfortable being miserable, than risk being happy. Don’t fall into that trap! Open yourself up. Take chances. Run free. To accomplish amazing things, you must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe. Be a dreamer, a believer, and a courageous and open thinker. Be a positive motivator, a productive doer, and a go-getter who keeps her head in the clouds and her feet on the ground. Let the spirit of progress and possibility ignite a fire within you to do something worthwhile today and every day. (Read “Daring Greatly”.)

4. You do not need to be better than anyone else.

The size of our universe shrinks dramatically when we place ourselves at the center, when we think everyone is our competition, and when we think we have to be richer, smarter, and more attractive than the person sitting next to us. Such goals just keep a person alienated and tirelessly running in place. Now on the flip-side, take someone who doesn’t keep score, who’s not looking to be richer, or smarter, or more attractive, who has not the slightest interest even in being better than anyone else: she’s free. So just keep reminding yourself that you are not behind. You are where you need to be. Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance. Give yourself credit for how far you have come, and take another small step forward again today.

5. You do not need to please everyone.

You can’t always say yes. That’s how people take advantage of you. And that’s how you lose track of your priorities. So don’t give in. Sometimes you have to set boundaries. Sometimes saying no is vital to your goals, growth, and wellness. When you go around pleasing everyone but yourself, you are the one that gets hurt in the end. The late and great Herbert Bayard Swope said it like this: “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” That is spot on advice if you ask me. Because truthfully, you are never going to please everyone anyway. At some point you will hold an unpopular opinion — one that gives your life meaning and makes you feel alive. And when you find yourself at such a crossroads, do your best to center yourself, tune out the noise, and take a step down the path that feels right to YOU.

6. You do not need more big moments and fancy plans.

Graduations, wedding days, lavish vacations — these times are often fun-filled and deeply celebrated, but these times pass, because time passes. This is something we tend to forget. True happiness is found daily in the appreciation of all the smaller moments. For me, there are random moments — a quiet morning, a long hug, coming up the driveway to our home, clean bed sheets, watching the moon rise over the ocean, hearing a giggle from my son who’s playing in the other room… This is often my truest happiness: arbitrary moments of sudden, throbbing appreciation for a life I feel privileged to lead. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Simplicity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

7. You do not need constant external validation.

Relationships are essential, but happiness originates from within. It is not exclusively dependent on external validation. You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend entirely on the behavior and actions of others. Keep this in mind. Never give all of your power to anyone else. Until you make complete peace with who you are, you’ll never be completely content with what you have or who you’re with. Learn to love and respect yourself first, before loving the idea of other people loving and respecting you. And remember that taking a step back to gracefully walk away from situations that threaten your peace of mind, values, morals, or self-worth, is almost always a healthy and necessary step forward.

8. You do not need perfect harmony in your relationships.

Harmony in relationships is nice when it’s sincere, but too often we try to fake it. Effective communication is king and queen! You have to talk it out sometimes. After all, the only way to be happy in life is to live with integrity. This means: Not settling for quiet tension. Being clear and asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create occasional tension. Listening to others. Being open to compromise. And generally behaving in ways that are in agreement with your personal values. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Boundaries & Expectations chapter of “1,000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships”.)

9. You do not need a better time, place, or circumstance.

The reason many people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past as being better than it was, the present as being worse than it is, and the future as be more complicated than it will be. The key, of course, is to do the opposite. Appreciate the past without reliving it, handle the present with patience, and face your future without expectations of how everything has to be in order to be good enough for you. Life is simply too short to spend at war with yourself. Letting go of needless rumination is your first step to happiness and peace in the present. Realize that you are today where your thoughts and actions have brought you, and you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and actions today take you. Bottom line: You can’t stop the future. You can’t rewind the past. The only way to live is to press play, and dance!

10. You do not need to feel happy at all times.

Absolutely no one is happy all of the time. Because you simply can’t be happy unless you’re unhappy sometimes. This is a harsh truth, but just keep in mind that it’s perfectly normal to experience considerable fluctuations in your level of happiness and joy from day to day, month to month, and even year to year. Believing and expecting otherwise will only lead you to dark places. The trick is to embrace life — to make peace with it even when it’s messy. Don’t wish away all your days waiting for better ones ahead. Just accept and appreciate where you are. You’ve come a long way, and you’re still learning and growing. Be thankful for the lessons. Take them and make the best of things right now.

. . .

And let me leave you with this to think about: According to a recent study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, overall levels of happiness decline from one’s teens until one’s forties and then pick up again until they peak in one’s early seventies. So the chances are that your happiest days are yet to come. Hopefully that gives you something to smile about today.

Now it’s your turn…

I challenge you to put the short reminders in this article to good use — to catch yourself looking for happiness where it doesn’t exist, so you can get out of your own way in the days and weeks ahead.

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Which of the points in this post do you resonate with the most?

Your feedback is important to us. 🙂

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